Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

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doug-h
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby doug-h » Wed May 10, 2017 8:49 pm

It's up to you, of course, but I would keep trying.

I've never seen this thread before, and I am sorry you struggle so. Still, it was a blessing to me to know that I am not so alone with fear.

I know how hard it can be. It seems the more I work on the symptoms of my anxieties, the more clear it is that most of what I have accomplished is little more than behavioral modification, and my fears have hardly subsided, if they have at all.

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby tjw » Thu May 11, 2017 3:36 am

I had never seen this thread either, and wanted you to know that I, also, have no victory over self-loathing, and have accomplished little more than behavioral modification over my 65 years. I fully understand that I will most likely die with a broken heart and never be able to be proud of myself for anything.

I fully empathize with you and am so sorry that life must be this way for some of us. I've learned that it has quite a lot to do with our temperament. But have no idea whatsoever how to "solve" the problem. I tried counseling, thank God, I didn't waste a lot of my time or money on that. I was fortunate to have found a counselor who actually told me the TRUTH about what she had to offer. She told me the fourth time I went to an appointment that she "could not change" any of the things about me which cause my problem. She could only help me "feel better" about being worthless.

I understood that the counseling sessions would, from this point onward. "devolve" as you have experienced, into things which had no relationship to the original goal. I chose to not continue.

I take drugs. It's the only thing I've found that keeps me functional. That, and batteries, as I am now 100% dependent upon a pacemaker.

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Hiswifeagain » Thu May 11, 2017 5:20 am

Did you ever do that Bible study, Breaking Free by Beth Moore that mentioned 2 years ago? How about the drinking? It sounded like you knew that you were supposed to stop. If you haven't yet given it up that keeps you trapped. It gives the enemy access to your heart and mind. I'm praying for you today, OML :)


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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby SeekingChange » Thu May 11, 2017 7:01 am

OML doesn't seem personal enough, Listen to me my sister in Christ, no offense to our brothers offering empathy, and this message can be for them as well ... but, You. Can. Be. Free. This is why Jesus came. This is why He died. By His stripes we are healed. Believe God, don't focus on what others say. Like the woman who bled, reach out and touch the hem of Jesus. As Jesus once asked, "Do you want to get well?"...the fight is worth it! Pleading the blood of Jesus over you right now.

I, too, could give you some Bible studies or resources that could help you in this journey. But a simple way to start is getting in your Word and studying healing. Seeing what Jesus said and did.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby seeking perspective » Thu May 11, 2017 7:58 am

OldMarriedLady wrote:So - here I am still bound by fear and self-loathing, years after I sought counseling for these problems. Does any of this really matter though? As long as DH is content with our sex life (and he definitely is), should I just give it up and stop trying to overcome my past?


Yes, all of this matters--because YOU matter.

Chase after freedom for yourself. I'm glad your husband is content--but you are not. You are just as worthy as contentment and joy as your husband is. Pursue freedom from your past hangups. While it is good that your therapist considers you stable, that does not mean you are healthy or healed.

And why on earth can't you pursue an education at this age? Even if you don't want to pursue a degree, take some classes that you think would be interesting or fun. Do things because you would enjoy them.

Don't give up on yourself.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Kilarin » Fri May 12, 2017 8:20 pm

yes it matters.

I'm sorry your husband's response was insensitive. But this isn't just about him, as everyone else has been saying, its about YOU.

The marriage bed isn't a place where we should all be pretty. Sometimes we aren't pretty.

We see our lovers when they first wake up in the morning, with messy hair and morning breath. It's not always pretty. We expose ourselves to our spouses so that they can see, not a perfect Greek statue of ideal human form, but our REAL body, with every blemish, every flaw, and every ounce of extra fat. It's often not pretty. We swear to love honor and cherish, till death do we part. The vows might as well say until breasts begin to sag, wrinkles form, erections get weaker, and our bodies lose tone all over. It can be very far from pretty. Our partners see us, not at our very best, but at our very WORST. When we have a cold, when we can barely drag ourselves into bed because we've been working all day, when we are angry, when we are sad, and when we just don't feel like putting in the effort. At times, it can be down right ugly.

We even open our hearts and minds so far and so wide that we reveal our deepest and most secret desires to them. We let them inside, deep inside where they can find the things we want and hunger for that we would be so humiliated if anyone else ever found out about. We let them see our faces when we are in the uncontrollable throws of ecstasy, when all of our defensive shields are down and the real us shines through. And what they see, what they KNOW of us, is often too silly to be pretty.

The marriage bed isn't about pretty. The marriage bed isn't the place where we should strive to be pretty. The marriage bed is the place where we should feel SAFE.

The marriage bed is where you don't have to be pretty, because there, with your spouse, with your other half, you are safe. They've seen what you look like in the middle of sex, and yes, they may have even giggled at you, but you giggled right back, because sex IS silly. And with your spouse, it is safe to look silly. With your spouse, its safe to have your hair in a mess, its safe to have a less than perfect body, its safe to relax and let your face go into whatever contortions happen during orgasm. Because, with your spouse, its safe to be vulnerable.

So, yes, your husbands response was far from ideal. And that is disappointing. But you know what, You can't fix him. You can only, through the power of Christ, fix YOU. YOU are working on being fully exposed and vulnerable in the marriage bed. YOU are working on opening up and revealing yourself fully and completely. YOU are working on making your marriage bed a place where both of you can feel SAFE. And that, regardless of how your husband responds, is WONDERFUL. Because you are working to make your marriage better.

Are you perfect yet? Of course not. But you are making progress, and that is all that matters!

Keep working on your side of the marriage bed, its the only side you have to work on, and by improving it, you ARE improving your marriage. And as you make your side better and better, perhaps his side will continue to improve as well!

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Tue May 30, 2017 8:41 pm

Kilarin wrote:We even open our hearts and minds so far and so wide that we reveal our deepest and most secret desires to them. We let them inside, deep inside where they can find the things we want and hunger for that we would be so humiliated if anyone else ever found out about.

Um, no, we haven't done that. :oops: After 37 years together, I still have things I can't confide to DH, and I am certain that there are things he will never share with me.

Thank you, those who have been praying for me. I have gotten the drinking under control finally. I'm so ashamed to admit this, but there were two instances where I had sex with DH at bedtime and couldn't remember any of it the next day. ::help That scared me into stopping the drinking. I was a teetotaler for all my life until about 3 years ago, and then everything just came to a head and I couldn't deal with it. ::bh I am now clean and sober. ::cool ::clap

I did the Beth Moore Bible study, but I guess I just didn't get from it what I needed to get. ::help I should probably go through it again in a clearer state of mind.
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed May 31, 2017 10:07 am

So glad to hear this encouraging update, OML!


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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby seeking perspective » Wed May 31, 2017 2:36 pm

I am so glad you are in control of the drinking. It sounds like it was pretty extreme, so that was a wise step for you to take.

I've sometimes found that I need to go through a study more than once to really get it--but sometimes, a study just isn't a good fit for what I need.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby OldMarriedLady » Wed May 31, 2017 7:40 pm

seeking perspective wrote:I've sometimes found that I need to go through a study more than once to really get it--but sometimes, a study just isn't a good fit for what I need.

I'm relieved to hear you say this, because I thought something was really wrong with me that I wasn't finding any benefit from the study.
seeking perspective wrote: I am so glad you are in control of the drinking. It sounds like it was pretty extreme, so that was a wise step for you to take.

It was extreme, but in some respects it wasn't. I never drank before 5:00 PM, that was my "rule". (I managed to drink enough between 5:00 PM and bedtime though. :oops:) I NEVER went to work under the influence, whether I was working 1st shift or 2nd. I knew better than to risk losing the job that I've had for 39 years. Somehow I never woke up hung over, even after those episodes where I blacked out the night before. (I wish I had, because I would have stopped sooner.) I only drank at home and never got behind the wheel of a vehicle under the influence. I guess I was a "binge drinker" according to the NIH. When I saw my primary care physician every 6 months and he went over my lab results, everything was fine - liver function was great, kidneys great, no indication whatsoever that I was poisoning myself. I wish there had been some indications that he would have picked up on, because that would have also helped me to realize that I was going down a very evil path.

My dad was an alcoholic, so I may have had a genetic predisposition towards it. That's not an excuse by any means. Like I said, I've been alive for almost 56 years now, and only 3 of them were spent having a problem with alcohol. I've had the same psychological problems for decades, but never felt the need to self-medicate them with alcohol until recently. I remember being so frustrated with DH when he was abusing alcohol (some of my earlier posts in this thread, as a matter of fact) but when I started drinking he never saw any problem with it, until I told him about the blackouts. ::bh He thought I was "fun" when I was drunk. :roll:

I found out today that I am going to need total knee replacement surgery soon and I will be off of work for 3 months. That will GREATLY alleviate my job stress and help me to continue down the path of sobriety. I do worry though that my employer will see that someone else can do my job better than me during those 3 months and they will want to reassign me when I get back. ::help
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

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Re: Irrational self-consciousness/embarrassment

Postby Kilarin » Sat Jun 10, 2017 7:06 am

OldMarriedLady wrote:After 37 years together, I still have things I can't confide to DH, and I am certain that there are things he will never share with me.

BUT, again, you are trying to be more vulnerable and open. Through the power of God, you ARE making progress. You are improving the communication and openness in your marriage. And I applaud you for that!


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