Wife will not have sex with me

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
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The Twit
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Re: Wife will not have sex with me

Postby The Twit » Thu Jul 07, 2016 1:23 pm

Stop talking about setting a timeline of leaving or even divorce. Stop and listen to your wife. Ask her what she needs to heal.

I know what it takes to heal from a major incident and be physically and emotionally hurt. It takes time for you and for all people around you to heal. For some it is 2 months for others it takes a few years.

Also I know what not being there for my wife has done to my marriage and how making changes and really listening does pay off. Just read my story. There are set backs but I am seeing progress.

Do not stop working on your marriage. Some of what I am reading is trying to justify why you have stopped working on your marriage and want to chuck it all. That is bad.

What is also bad is that you will lose out so much if you divorce. You will might get joint custody because you had a mental illness and relapses. You will not get primary custody because of that illness and you are a man. Sorry but that is the cold facts. I have seen it first hand in several aquaintences.

So my advice and take it for what it is, one former sex staved man to another. Stop take a weekend and get away. Do not expect sex. Expect to talk, a lot of crying, listen, and create an action plan. I stress listening, we do hear each other but part of listening is hearing then act or react. So a big part is to hear exactly what is said, do not fly off the handle in anger, but ask for clarification, confirm what was said, and create a plan of action based on what you heard. Share with your wife what you have gone through and what your thoughts are. Do not make fun of or demean each other's feelings or thoughts. But review and correct wrong impressions. My wife and I had to do this a couple of times before we both finally understood each other and were able to develop our final plan of attack but we did it. Now we are on the road to recovery. But the key is let each other grow and to intentionally grow your marriage at the same time.

Yes I have heard all your statements. But you need to listen to the person you state you love. Just like listening to God, who is to be your first love, you need to listen to the person he gave you. This sickness part has caused a wedge. Help her heal and let her heal. She needs you more than you can imagine. So shut up and listen to her just as God listens to those who follow Him and call on Him. He listens and responds, not always the way we want, but he responds. This also may be a training in you for patience. Do not be like those who pray for patience and want it immediately.


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Unfulfilled
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Re: Wife will not have sex with me

Postby Unfulfilled » Thu Jul 07, 2016 3:31 pm

Tiger.

I understand your frustration. But two sessions is barely a start to counseling. There was not even a connection between the counselor and you guys. Yea you can blame that in your wife for cancelling. But dont bother counting two sessions as giving counseling a real try.

My point is that if you want to put your foot down with a solid boundary. Demanding that she attend counseling with you for at least 10 if not more sessions is I think a better step to take than packing your bags and walking out.

At the very least your wife sees your honest attempt to work it out. Rather than seeing you walk out. I think you can make it pretty clear to your wife your seriousness and that you are approaching the end of your rope.

Trust me. I'm in the struggle of my own frustration with my own marriage situation with DW who APPEARS to me to not be putting forth much of any effort. But it is entirely possible the work being done is internal to her. And those changes are INVISIBLE to me. And I'm doing my best to give her the benefit of the doubt. Having no way to know of progress is being made or not. But I do have doubt and I certainly do have major frustrations. And I am going on two years of this formal process and decades of discussions prior. And my wife also quit counseling back end of last year. So I know where you are coming from. I feel your pain. In fact I share a great portion of the same pain. And I too struggle with the pain overcoming me.

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LovesHisKitten
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Re: Wife will not have sex with me

Postby LovesHisKitten » Thu Jul 07, 2016 4:08 pm

Tigerman,

I've read through the entire thread. Here is what I gleaned:
    You are in a sexless marriage and are understandably frustrated
    You went through 7 cycles of instability in the first 10 years of marriage
    You are ready to toss a bomb in the middle of your family

Unfortunately, that doesn't give any of us enough information to give decent, informed advice to help you improve your situation. In order to do that, we really need to know more about the entire relationship.

    Was the sex ever good?
    Is your financial position stable, and are you the primary income earner?
    Are you the primary leader of the family, or is she?
    When was the illness initially diagnosed (before or after the wedding)?
    Aside from the illness, are there any other critical moments of neglect on your part?
    Are there any other medical issues for either of you?

TBH, I suspect that there are one or more major issues in addition to the medical situation that are preventing a working relationship in general. And if you don't have a working relationship outside the bedroom, you'll never have one inside of it.

Praying for you and your family.

LHK
"Some say, that he is one of the protons in the Large Hadron Collider, AND that he creates miniature black holes every time he sneezes."

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Hiswifeagain
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Re: Wife will not have sex with me

Postby Hiswifeagain » Thu Jul 07, 2016 6:01 pm

Tigerman, you seem quite set on getting out. Have you met someone else? I only ask because that's why I was so set on getting out, and of those I've known that are unwilling to try to work on the marriage that has been the case.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

tigerman
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Re: Wife will not have sex with me

Postby tigerman » Tue Nov 08, 2016 1:00 pm

An update..... Nothing has changed but we are planning two trips away in the next six weeks. It will just be the two of us on both of these trips.....here's hoping things will change for the better. I think "TilWeHaveFaces" put it best early on in this thread in this post.

Unfulfilled
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Re: Wife will not have sex with me

Postby Unfulfilled » Wed Nov 09, 2016 8:11 am

Here's to praying for your upcoming trips and your DW "wake up" and conversion.

tjw
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Re: Wife will not have sex with me

Postby tjw » Wed Nov 09, 2016 9:02 am

Amen and prayers. You're "going the extra mile" which Jesus commanded. Neither of my previous marriages ever provided sex for me but
I have no regrets that I stayed faithful until God called the end. I don't regret doing that at all. Getting out would have made things a lot worse,
meeting someone else would have made things horrible.


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