Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

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countrywife2
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Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby countrywife2 » Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:19 pm

I came out of a domestic violence situation and barely escaped with my life. I was living on the streets and my now-husband was scared for my safety and opened his home to me to prevent me from winding up a statistic. I went through a horrible divorce from my abusive ex-husband who was able to take everything from me, because he had an attorney and I had nothing. I spent thirteen years in hell, enduring emotional, verbal and finally physical abuse at the hands of a man who cheated on me and treated me like a worthless dog and lost everything (including my children) except the clothes on my back.

The man I am married to now is wonderful and does so many nice things for me. He is kind, gentle and loving. He is everything that my first husband was not. There is a bit of age difference between us. Although we lived under the same roof before our marriage we did not have a sexual relationship at all. DH said that once we were married that we would have a healthy sexual relationship.

He did struggle with watching internet porn and masturbating to it but after he finally realized how much it hurt me to know that he did it he was able to stop. Now he spends most of his computer time on Facebook or looking at antique cars, planes, etc...

When we got married, we only had the weekend for a honeymoon. There was no sex on our honeymoon and he didn't even try to touch me at all. It hurt me tremendously because he had talked it up for several days before about how good the honeymoon was going to be. Then he got a message from his sibling about some family business that had to be taken care of within a certain amount of time and he spent the entire honeymoon stressing out about it. We've been married almost 6 weeks now and we've only attempted PIV once and it didn't work well because I was on top and couldn't maintain the position because of my bad knee. He didn't even try another position, just went to sleep. I did oral sex on him once and that has been it. In other words, if I had been a virgin when we married, I would still be a virgin!

I love him so much and want to be with him. I just wonder if I'm so ugly and fat that he just can't bring himself to perform sexually with me? My first husband used to blame his performance issues on me/my body.

I hurt so much emotionally and I've let him know through notes, etc... with no response. I just don't know what to do. He seems to think that all the nice things that he does for me outside the bedroom should make up for the lack of things in the bedroom. That is kind of like going to a buffet and being able to look at the food, smell it, touch it, put it on your plate, but not be allowed to eat any of it and expect it to assuage your hunger.

Maybe I'm just whining. I don't know what to do.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:34 pm

I can imagine the hurt you feel. Have you asked your husband why? Have you tried to communicate with him about this? That's the only way you are really going to begin to see what's going on in his head. Have you shared how you are feeling and thinking with him? He could be having his own struggles and believing his own lies that will just continue to grow when they are kept secret. Open up the lines of communication in this area, and then you might have a better idea of what step to take next.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby countrywife2 » Mon Apr 27, 2015 1:21 pm

I've tried communicating with him about it. He either doesn't respond or blames things on not feeling interested in sex because of stress at work, worrying about things, or the medication he takes for high blood pressure. I take the same medication and lots more besides and I also have lots of stress so I can understand where he comes from there, but I also know that the endorphins released in sex can help with stress. I think it must just be because he got used to looking at porn stars and I'm ugly and fat compared to those kind of women. Maybe he just doesn't know what to do with a real woman instead of a fantasy one. I'll try talking again even though I doubt it will do any good.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Apr 27, 2015 1:29 pm

countrywife2 wrote: I think it must just be because he got used to looking at porn stars and I'm ugly and fat compared to those kind of women.

This doesn't quiet compute with me. Why would he have married you just 6 weeks ago if that's how he felt about you? I don't know, but I would guess there is something going on within him, that more than likely, has nothing to do with you. He could be dealing with ED and he is humiliated and doesn't want to expose that to you. People will even try to shift the blame onto others or other circumstances to cover up what's really going on with them... don't except that blame if he does that.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby convicted » Mon Apr 27, 2015 5:57 pm

How long since your divorce?
How long have you two been romantically involved?
How long have you been living together?
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby countrywife2 » Mon Apr 27, 2015 8:37 pm

I fail to see why that should matter to you. The marriage to my first husband died when he insisted that I abort our unborn child for the simple reason that his mother was going to be angry because I was pregnant. I had already endured being cheated on barely two months into the marriage. His mother interfered in the marriage so much that she might as well have slept between us at night. When he cheated again while I was pregnant I could not and would not take it anymore. We lived as two separate people under the same roof for another four years before the police responding to yet another domestic violence call finally convinced me that his temper was getting the best of him and that one of the next times they came out I was going to be leaving in a body bag. It was the wake-up call I needed to realize that my life was important.

As for romantically involved with my husband about a year. NOT SEXUALLY involved. We lived under the same roof out of necessity only. If you paid attention I was homeless and in danger. I am still hiding from my ex husband and his family because they are still a threat to me.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby Alistair » Tue Apr 28, 2015 2:01 am

Hi Countrywife welcome to the forums

It seems you were a little put out by convicted Questions

A lot of people come by here with various problems/issues if we were face to face we almost certainly not ask such direct questions upfront but here on the forums we cut to the chase fairly quickly due to the anonymous nature of the forums and because we are all very busy people. When you come here I would not take offense at the questions as we are trying to just get a broader picture.

If you think the questions are irrelevant to your situation it is Ok just to ask why they are interested in this information. I have seen A LOT of wisdom on these forums and a fairly active oversight committee to check that things don't get out of hand. To get the most of these forums I would just answer as honestly as possible and wait and see the answers come in and then prayerfully reflect what answers are helpful to you. The ones that aren't you can discard after all it is YOUR life.

My prayer's are going out to you tonight.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby poetess » Tue Apr 28, 2015 7:35 am

Country Wife,

Questions are relevant to understanding your situation. The fact is no one can say for sure "why" in answer to your question, but the more information we have, the more likely we are to give an intelligent answer.

If your husband-to-be couldn't find anywhere else for you to live the last two weeks before your wedding, so he let you move into his house while he lived somewhere else, for example, that is a very different situation than both of you living under the same roof (just the two of you) for a year.

If your husband had come onto a board like this a year ago and told us he knew of a young woman who needed a place to live, and he had a space she could stay but he was a single man, most of us would have cautioned him and told him that his desires to protect her (you) were noble, but he was not the right person to take in a single woman.

If he had admitted that he had romantic interest in you, I personally would have told him that he could find an inexpensive place for you to live, or have you live with other single women or a family, or that he could offer his home while he himself lives somewhere else, but the two of you living together, just the two of you, was not a good idea. (If he rented a room in a boarding house that had both men and women, on different floors of the home, that would be a different situation.) I would also have said something like this: Taking her into your home is likely to bring sexual temptation, and it could hurt your reputation and hers. Also, let's say for the sake of argument that you live together for a year or two and then get married, and you never have sex (or any sort of sexual contact) before you get married. It still is not a good idea. Why? Partly because other people will still assume you are having sex, and it sets a bad example. But also because it sets a bad foundation for marriage. Sexually, you either tell your bodies "yes" and you sin, or you tell them "no" and you get into the habit of the daily close contact of living together without sex--which may make it really hard to flip the switch to "yes" once you get married. Or maybe you tell your bodies "this much sexual contact, but no more"--you still run the high risk of that becoming ingrained as your bodies' stopping point." Personally, I always counsel "Don't be alone behind closed doors before your wedding day."

Now, obviously this is all past, and these decisions were already made--but it's still possible to look back and see "in what way did these decisions affect our married life?" Did he see you as someone to protect but not ever really see you as someone he desired? Or was he so concerned with being honorable (protecting you from harm but also not sinning with you sexually) that he squelched any desire? Or was the whole reason he was able to live with you for a year without sexual sin because he has low testosterone or low libido from some other reason? I'm guessing that the reason is one of these, or some combination--and whatever the reason, the way you came together is part of the story, and probably part of the reason. So the questions are important. (You don't have to answer any question that feels irrelevant, though. I personally don't say on here how many stepchildren I have, what my husband does for a living, where we live, etc. You have a right to decide what information to keep private. But the questions can help us help you.)
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby convicted » Tue Apr 28, 2015 7:52 am

countrywife2 wrote:I fail to see why that should matter to you. <snip> If you paid attention I was homeless and in danger. I am still hiding from my ex husband and his family because they are still a threat to me.

I paid attention, which is what gave rise to my questions. Please don't hear condemnation or chastising.

It's important because I wonder what you've done to heal and to get healthy. I wonder what he's done to insure that he was & is healthy.
Reading your post I come away with the idea that you went from one unhealthy relationship into another without developing the skill set to set, maintain and exercise healthy boundaries and behavior. I'm divorced in my second marriage. I got married about 10yrs after my divorce yet hadn't done the work necessary to ensure I wouldn't repeat or participate in other unhealthy behaviors. My wife (current) walked right in to unhealthy relational behavior with me.

Being healthy doesn't just happen, it requires intention and I don't get that from what you've revealed. I'm wondering if the time necessary for that has been allowed. it doesn't appear to me that it has. It appears to me that you are still an unhealthy sister in unhealthy relationships, although they appear to be healthier than the one you are in-hiding from. <--Hard to hear, I know & I'm sorry.

If I'm correct and it's acknowledged then it gives a frame work from which to properly build a healthy relationship. Which is what my wife and I have benefited from.
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby countrywife2 » Tue Apr 28, 2015 11:51 am

I am still hiding my location from my ex and his family because his mother has made threats on my life. I still don't trust my ex not to show up at the front door nor do I put it past his family to send a couple of hired goons over to rough me up. In my ex mother-in-law's mind you don't mess with her boys because they can do no wrong and I ruined her son's life when I left the marriage.
I tried shelters and all kinds of places for help but everybody was full or would not help me because I did not have a photo or hospital documentation to show them of me with stitches or me covered in blood. He was smart - he knew how much to hurt without leaving a bruise. My own friends would not even help me because they were afraid if he found out where I was, he would come after them and their own families would be in danger. My now-husband tried to get people to help but they either just said they would pray for me or they gave the excuse of my being a stranger and they were afraid I might rob them blind.
I had no job, no money, nothing but a car full of clothes and some pictures and my medications. That was another reason some of the shelters didn't want to help me - I was a big risk for getting robbed because I take several medications every day including anti-seizure drugs and they didn't want to be liable if something happened to me under their care.
I've had counseling. I'd be much better off if I could cut ties with my ex completely but I can't because he has my kids. I still see them, with a chaperone in case he decides to try something.
five years ago I almost took my own life because I could see no way out of a horrible marriage. Four years ago my ex would have killed me.
I probably should have just let him.
General consensus seems to be that I was wrong to take shelter where I did, so in taking shelter I was wrong to get involved, etc...
Guess I shouldn't complain about what my husband wants or doesn't want - I must be getting what I now deserve.....

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby seeking perspective » Tue Apr 28, 2015 12:21 pm

My heart hurts for you, countrywife2. I can't imagine living with the constant fear you describe. It must still be overwhelming at times.

You were in an unhealthy situation, and you did what you needed to do at the time. Best options aren't always good options, though. My guess is that every option in front of you could have led to some problems. If you'd made a different choice, you might be facing bigger challenges than you are.

You did what you had to, and we'd like to help you move forward from where you are.

People here are just trying to get a sense of the context for your marriage, and they're giving you examples of why that information helps us help you better. We're just trying to unwind the situation a bit to get an idea of what suggestions might actually be helpful. Otherwise, we might be flooding you with lots of advice that simply doesn't apply in your situation.

If your husband isn't doing what he should be as a husband, you have a right to express your frustration and try to make some change.

Please push the "getting what I deserve" phrase from your mind and heart. What you deserve is a happy, healthy marriage. We want to help you build one.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby InHisEmbrace » Tue Apr 28, 2015 12:24 pm

I want you to know that I am praying for you. The enemy has come and is still coming at you to bring destruction, but thankfully we have Christ on our side! Take heart my friend, He has overcome the world. The Lord has already won the war against the destruction and pain that the enemy brings.

countrywife2 wrote:five years ago I almost took my own life because I could see no way out of a horrible marriage. Four years ago my ex would have killed me.
I probably should have just let him.
General consensus seems to be that I was wrong to take shelter where I did, so in taking shelter I was wrong to get involved, etc...
Guess I shouldn't complain about what my husband wants or doesn't want - I must be getting what I now deserve.....


You need to know that your life has meaning. You are loved, regardless of how you feel or have been treated. I haven't been in your EXACT situation, but I know the fear and torture of being physically and emotionally abused. I know what it's like to be threatened by my husband and his family. I know what it's like to have my loved ones threatened because I was not responding to the threats of harm to myself. It is something very hard to explain to other people who have never dealt with that. You are a child of the Lord and your struggles (old and new) are known by Him. Taking shelter with another person is understandable. I have to ask this- did you take shelter and refuge in the Lord? Did you hand it all over to him? I didn't. I wish I had, though. His love NEVER fails. People (and therefore the Church) are imperfect just like we are. Not everyone knows how to handle a situation like you've been in, but the Father knows every tear you've cried and every tear you held in to not let your abuser see. My heart hurts for you and I want you to know that I am glad you are alive! People can threaten you all they want, but the Great Protector will shield you if you trust Him. My husband once said he was going to kill me and my parents because I escaped to their house ... My dad's response was "He can think that and can try all he wants, but my God is big enough to stop him from even starting his car." I learned that fear is crippling and God will protect me. He will also protect you. Has he not protected us already? Bruises fade and physical wounds heal. YOUR LIFE has a great purpose.

Your pain from your first marriage is real and it is still being used to hurt you. The struggles you have in your new marriage relationship are also real and I don't want to ignore that, but you need to heal from the old before you can deal with the new.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby convicted » Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:02 pm

countrywife2 wrote:General consensus seems to be that I was wrong to take shelter where I did, so in taking shelter I was wrong to get involved, etc...
Guess I shouldn't complain about what my husband wants or doesn't want - I must be getting what I now deserve.....

No sister, you've heard incorrectly.

2 Corinthians 10:5
5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Could better choices have been made? of course. but that's not what you are here for, nor is that what we can address or change. You've made choices and those choices have consequences. the question is is your relationship redeemable. To that I note that Christ is in the business of redemption. That's a bit cliche' but seems appropriate.

You never deserve to be abused and no one believes that being "here", where you are currently in your relationship, is a just end and where you ought to remain. The exact opposite.

Our goal is to help equip and empower you to be able to do the things you need to do so that Christ can redeem your relationships so that you beloved <---say that over more than a few times, can experience the fullness of the life He has intended for you.

There's this permissive idea or concept that we each need to do what works for us. Not true. We are designed to function in a particular manner which means we are responsive to a rather narrow set of influence. Do relationship the way you are designed to do them and your relationships will be better than not. There are other people involved and their behaviors affect the success of your efforts however they aren't here and you can't fix them anymore than we can fix you.

We can advise you on things you can do that can help get you healthier, much if not all of it learned from personal experience. (Rom 8:28 seems applicable here.) Is that what you want?

I'm aware you came here wondering why your husband isn't pursuing you sexually. I'm sure you are overwhelmed in both your "real life" and with the response you've received here. I suppose we could give you 20 things to try and tell you you've obviously used them wrong when they fail. <---they will fail. or we can assist you in getting down to the heart of the matter and help you discern what to do about that.

the direction is yours to decide. Know beloved, that here you will find genuine hope for your best good.
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby poetess » Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:36 pm

Any discussion of what you "deserve" in life or marriage is irrelevant. (None of us deserves a good marriage, to be honest. But that has nothing to do with the fact that we should strive to love our spouses and honor God, and grow as marriage partners.) Looking at your background might help people understand some of the reasons for where you are today (e.g., a woman who was abused in the past will naturally have more trouble trusting), but the goal for all of us is to see you move past the point of pain where you are today.
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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby TilWeHaveFaces » Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:50 pm

seeking perspective wrote:Please push the "getting what I deserve" phrase from your mind and heart. What you deserve is a happy, healthy marriage. We want to help you build one.


This!

I've volunteered at a local women's shelter (basically just hanging out with their kids so they could go to a Bible study), plus one of my past clients is a big homeless recovery ministry doing permanent supportive housing, so I know for a fact that those situations are horrible and tough -- so many people with your story end up homeless, and it is a blessing that you did not. I know you did what you had to do to survive. I can't even imagine what that must have been like.

I can't speak to why your current husband is treating you the way he is, but helping us understand better might help us (well, probably not me -- this is above my pay grade) to at least hazard a few good guesses and point you to resources to push for better. Sexless marriage is not right, no matter what the context, and nobody "deserves" it. Please don't take the questions as value judgments.

Anyway, I will retreat back to lurkdom, but I did want to chime in to affirm what SP said. You are a tough, resilient person for having survived your situation with health and wits intact, and no matter what your ex or others may say, you are a child of God and a treasure, and deserve to be treated as one.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby JPoster » Sat May 02, 2015 3:57 pm

No, you don't deserve to be abused, or mistreated, or wish your ex had killed you. Please stop thinking that way.

I think you and your husband need some counseling. You each have stuff to think about, talk about and work through. His medications and stress may be the problem but I suspect there is something else going on in his head as well. It may not even involve you specifically. It may be the way he relates to himself and women. If it is just issues of medication then he could still perform (whatever it takes) for you and your needs.

Your past is also still intruding into your present. Counseling, and I don't mean only counseling about sex.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby countrywife2 » Wed May 13, 2015 1:42 pm

Husband was married once before and spent 23 years being single again before he and I met. During his marriage his first wife would often berate him in the mornings if he had woken her up in the middle of the night for sex and complained that she was a light sleeper and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I think they spent a good part of the last 5 or 6 years of their nearly 16 year marriage sleeping in separate rooms. She treated him like the proverbial red-headed step-child while he did everything he could to treat her like a queen. She wanted the divorce and demanded it - he didn't want it but after some time realized that there was no way to make her happy any other way. He had girlfriends after his divorce was final and before we met. Some of them he was sexually involved with and some not. A few of those women treated him like dirt, especially one of the last who really broke his heart. Suicide was never an option for him but he often prayed on his way to work for a semi to cross over the median and take him out to end his misery. IDK what she said or did to him but she must have really said some cutting things because he thinks he is very small if you know what I mean and he isn't. He sometimes has had issues with ED but his doctor is aware of it and told him it was likely from the medications that he takes. Even gave him some pill samples. The pills are still in the bag they came home from the doctor's office in, untouched. I went online and bought something from a online store to help and it is still in the box, unopened. He doesn't care for lingerie, or at least when I wear it. (I threw all I had out in the trash and will NEVER buy another piece again!) He just seems to think that ED is part of the men's aging process and there is nothing that can be done for it, despite his doctor's suggestions and all the articles I've given him to read to prove otherwise. It is something easy to deal with and there are so many options for dealing with it but he just seems to be like he has just given up. He often says that he hopes the love and care and extra things he does for me outside the bedroom make up for the things he "can't" do in the bedroom.
::arg Well they are nice but it doesn't really make up for it. In the meantime, he uses masturbation or oral sex for his needs and mine go unmet. It really hurts and makes me feel like I am ugly, fat, and unwanted. I don't know how much more of feeling like this I can take. Getting that trip to get his parents estate cleared up helped him un-stress a bit but didn't really change anything else like I hoped it would. I'm back in college now when many people my age are sending their kids to college and he will be age-eligible for retirement in a few years. I'm finished with classes for the summer and am job-hunting so finding something until classes start again in the fall might be interesting. Thinking about finding a summer job somewhere away from home - either he would miss me enough that things would change or he would go back to his ::xx porn girls. Maybe a change of scenery would do me good - a Christian summer camp, maybe. As for counseling as someone already suggested, there is no money for that. I have no insurance and he only has minimal coverage and they don't cover that stuff. I doubt there is anybody (minister) that he would talk to about it - he won't even talk to me about it so why anybody else?
::bh

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby randdallen » Wed May 13, 2015 2:01 pm

CW -----

A friend of mine was in a similar situation. My friend (the guy) took in a woman who was in a horrible situation.

He took exceptionally good care of her ----- and then married her.

My friend had a hard time seeing her sexually, since he had created for himself a care-giver role, instead of a lover role.

My friend still watches porn (I scold him for that ----- "Man you got the real thing right around the corner waiting for you ---- what the heck are you doing????") I think that's just
because it's easy, --- and enjoying her would bring forth far more complicated emotions. (the porn doesn't rob her ---- I suspect he simply can't imagine intimacy with his wife, due to her history).

Yeah - he married her - yes - he cares about her ----- but no - he can't handle looking at her that way.

If you ask my friend, he'd say "I did the right thing....." Personally, I'm ready to bop him in the nose.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby Alistair » Wed May 13, 2015 2:21 pm

If that is the view maybe the truth to get across is sex is caring for ones partner...

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby Mrs. Tomorrow » Wed May 13, 2015 2:40 pm

OP, my heart aches for you. I have a couple more questions, if you will answer them, to better understand how to advise and pray for you.

Are you currently involved in a church? Is your husband?

Do you have any additional support (i.e. friends, family) close by that you can talk to in person?

What is your relationship with your husband like outside the bedroom? Are you able to converse freely about most topics? Are you good at communicating clearly and concisely with each other?


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