Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.

Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby countrywife2 » Wed May 13, 2015 8:14 pm

To Mrs Tommorrow:

We had been actively involved in church activities and in gospel music activities and each of us are church members but have not been in active church attendance recently due to malicious gossip that was being spread about me by my ex-husband and also by some "friends" of my current husband.

Our relationship outside of the bedroom is wonderful. We have open communication and get along wonderfully. It is when it comes to sexual issues that he shuts down.

As for family, I have none that I can talk to. My parents are in a nursing home in another state. I don't have a car until he gets home from work so my access to transportation is very limited. I was really stupid and lost my car last August after having major surgery on my leg/ankle.
Friends that I can talk to in person about it, maybe but it would be hard to coordinate.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby Mrs. Tomorrow » Wed May 13, 2015 9:01 pm

I have a couple of suggestions.

First, I wonder if you would feel comfortable writing him a letter detailing your feelings about you lack of sexual intimacy, and then sit down and read it to him, or have him read it, followed by a period of discussion. It would be best if the letter focused on the situation from your perspective and don't make assumptions about his perspective ("it's probably because I'm ugly and fat"). Write about the facts from your perspective. "We've been married x amount of time, and have not had any sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy is very important to me and is an important part of marriage. I feel x about it; it is important because x. I propose that we come to an agreement on a regular frequency, etc." You could make it as brief or as detailed as you want. This might help jumpstart the dialogue. And don't wait, the longer you wait, the more awkward/unpleasant it will get.

The second suggestion I have is find a new church. Get as involved as possible. Surround yourself with people and don't become isolated. You need friends and community now more than ever, not to mention spiritual guidance. Some churches offer free counseling, or a pastor might be able to have regular meetings with you and/or your husband. It sounds like you don't have enough support in person right now, and especially with the situation with your husband on top of everything else, you need godly people in your life.

I'm praying for you.


Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby countrywife2 » Wed May 20, 2015 8:58 pm

Well, I sat down and wrote DH a note from my perspective on things last week about why the intimacy was important to me, etc... He read it but we never really got to discuss it because someone called about a friend that got admitted to the hospital. I think he tended to dismiss it as the ravings of a PMS-crazed female because of course dear old "Aunt Flo" showed up the next day. I did make the comment to him a couple days later that I really hoped he would not dismiss my noted to him as the rant of a PMS-influenced individual and he said nothing.

He has a really rotten boss who stresses him to the max. I wish that he could find another position that pays better and where the management would actually treat the employees like they matter instead of like a bunch of stray dogs. He vents alot about this boss and his job to me. Our two-month anniversary has passed and still nothing has really changed.

My daughter from my first marriage called me this evening and needed to talk to me about some "girl stuff" and asked me to please come and braid her hair for her. She is in that stage where she has a lot of questions about her changing body and there are just some things a girl needs to talk to her Mama about. 99% of the time DH goes with me when I go to see her but tonight he asked me if I was OK going alone. I would rather he had gone with me but I just took the dog with me instead for protection in case my ex-husband decided not to behave himself appropriately. Little guy is usually rather docile but if he feels his person is at risk he turns rather vicious in a hurry.

I can't say for sure that DH did go onto some porn sites while I was away from the house but since that is usually what would happen in the past when he was really stressed and I would leave for a little while I will say that the chances that he did are pretty high. The computer had been re-booted when I got back. I'm just about ready to throw in the towel and give up. There has got to be something wrong with me for things to be this way... :(

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby poetess » Thu May 21, 2015 6:14 am

There has got to be something wrong with me for things to be this way...

NO, there doesn't have to be something wrong with you for another person to sin against you. Is there something wrong with God that we sin against Him?
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby randdallen » Thu May 21, 2015 7:57 pm

There has got to be something wrong with me for things to be this way... :(

I think I'd challenge this notion.

Jesus routinely encountered situations that were caused by the broad fallen state of the world, rather than specific "sin." When Jesus encountered
a dead Lazarus, he didn't sit there and figure out who sinned, He wept ---- wept over the condition of creation.

Very honestly, I'd challenge you to:
- believe in goodness
- believe in yourself

I didn't say "worship" goodness or "worship" yourself --- but yes - to believe in them.

To be candid - this is a "physician heal thyself" situation (I need to be more optimistic, myself).

Just my opinion.


Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby countrywife2 » Sat May 23, 2015 8:59 am

DH was up earlier than me this morning and I walked unexpectedly into the room where he was on the computer. Wish I hadn't. He wasn't on a porn site but he was watching videos that might as well have been on one. He completely closed the web browser when he realized I was in the room and started playing a card game.
Why am I not good enough for him? Why does he prefer a video over a real flesh and blood woman? Am I really that ugly to him?
I wish I had a heart of stone, so then this wouldn't hurt so bad.
And yes I have told him before that this hurts me. I wish I could just disappear

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby SLS » Tue May 26, 2015 11:58 am

I am so sorry countrywife2. Know that it is NOT your fault and that you are more than good enough for him. The fact that you are taking care of his needs sexually while yours are going unmet shows how unselfish you are and how lucky he is to have you as his wife. You are good enough for him!

When people look at porn or have sinful sexual fantasies it is an expression of selfishness. It is basically about having sex with themselves. If that is reinforced over and over it becomes an addiction and it can become difficult for that person to have sexual intimacy with another human being. This has nothing to do with how you look. It is his selfishness that is the problem.

Praying for you and your DH.

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby Nvr2Late » Wed May 27, 2015 3:01 pm

It pains my heart to hear you so down on yourself, and I can relate to your feeling 1000%.

I'd like to suggest something to you, FOR you. We still can't say for certain he has a porn problem, but it kind of looks like he does, or that he's at least substituting "something online" for time with you. See if you can find a S-Anon group nearby. An all women's Christian group would be my choice. I can't begin to tell you how healing my group was for me. There are a few other women here at TMB that will concur.

I just think you need that kind of loving support and at the very least a sponsor to whom you could turn for advice, support, counsel and working on yourself.
How we handle our spouse's shortcomings reveals more about our own character than theirs. * I’ve already told you more than I know.


Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby countrywife2 » Mon Aug 03, 2015 2:59 pm

DH has low testosterone, like really low and is getting treatment for it. However nothing has changed with the relationship. I feel like just a roommate and not a wife. I get a peck on the lips in the mornings, one in the evenings and again at bedtime. Maybe the occasional hug or hand holding but that is it. Marriage still has not been consummated and our 5 month anniversary will be this month. I've tried being loving and affectionate. Whenever I am touching him and my touching becomes sexual in nature, he immediately finds an excuse to get up off the bed - his sinuses are filling up and he can't breathe thru his nose, etc... :roll: So interesting that this happens so fast after I come along and start trying to initiate something with him. :x
I am so sick and tired of rejection. It is affecting my daily life now. Being in charge of elderly parents care, and all the other things I do in life everyday is stressful enough but then to feel like I simply must be the ugliest woman on earth because my husband avoids me at all cost in the bedroom is taking its toll. There are times that it feels like falling asleep and never waking up again would be a blessing. Would he even miss me at all? Probably not - the women on the internet would always be there and that seems to be what he wants instead of me anyway so
I tried to find a s-anon but they don't like to give out a lot of information. Maybe I should just disappear. If I had any money I would. Just run away somewhere where nobody could find me. :(

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Aug 03, 2015 3:24 pm

It sounds like you would qualify for an annulment (in the US), have you considered that?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

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Re: Husband doesn't want sex with me. Why?

Postby sexwithinmarriage » Wed Aug 05, 2015 4:44 am

You aren't alone, and it's not you. By my estimate, about 10% of wives are actively refused sex by their husbands.
I wrote a post a while back called I want my husband to want me because I was seeing this pattern over and over again. Over 100 people read it every day, presumably wives. Like I said, it's not you, and you aren't alone.

That's all I wanted to say.
My little blog on marriage, intimacy and sexuality, from a Christian perspective:

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