Help break cycle

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
smokejumper
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Help break cycle

Postby smokejumper » Mon Jun 01, 2015 8:53 am

I think I am just going to vent for now.
I have been married to my DW now for ten years this October. Neither she nor I waited for marriage to have sexual relationships. We are both Christians and attend church with our children and try to raise our children right. For most of our married life we have pretty much been in a sexless marriage maybe about once per month. At the end of our first year of marriage we got pregnant and that one time dropped to 3-4 times per year and that stayed that way until the past year or so. We are now back to about 1-2x per month (maybe) because I have been in her words nagging her (I hate mercy sex). This past January I laid it on the table about how I felt about sex and intimacy and it changed some but that only lasted a month or so. I feel now she is only having sex when we do because she feels a sense of duty to fulfill the Christian duty of taking care of her husband. This duty (mercy) sex is the absolute worse. I just want her to want me. Our entire marriage I think she had only initiated sex two times.

Me: I am over weight but working on that I am down 40 or so lbs over the past and I have packed muscle on. I think I did this because I feel I am fat so she doesn’t want me and I need an attractive body. I was diagnosed with low t in 2009. It has taken me about 4 years to truly get my T levels in check by finding the correct doctor. My levels when I switched doctors, I stayed of Testosterone for 3 months before switching and my levels with my current doc were at 98 when we started. My last checkup I was at 1100. So my sex drive has gone from 0-60 and I want it all the time but get very little. I have thought about “stepping out” but I could never do that, I just isn’t in me to cheat. I have thought about leaving but that is not what I want to do either. I masturbate though I don’t think my DW knows because she is always asleep by 10 or so. Right now I feel really depressed and just low. I often try to fill the void by doing activities and hobbies to take my mind off sex such as play xbox, workout, teach night classes to decrease the time I have to be at home.

Wife: On birth control, Zoloft, is overweight some (I don’t care, but I think she is self-conscience about it), and works a demanding job. She is tired all the time and says she doesn’t have the energy for sex. We have two kids that are high maintenance, with our younger daughter just moving out of our bed. I thought having our bed back to ourselves would help to increase our intimacy but I feel it has got worse. She is very reserved in ML, no OS, no manual stimulation, only on top and missionary positions and she never takes control. Now she has been ok with me introducing some toys (vibrating rings and small vibratos but not much else), I want to the liberator wedge and ramp but haven’t pulled the trigger yet.

Right now I am just going to spend some time trying to improve my faults. I am going to cuddle on the couch with her, keep the house cleaner, stop some hobbies, and anything else I can try. I am going to try to get her to listen to sexy marriage podcast and see if she will go through the marriage bed website.
I am sorry to ramble on but I am really lost.

Unfulfilled
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Re: Help/venting

Postby Unfulfilled » Mon Jun 01, 2015 10:38 am

Both zoeloft and birth control can massively kill a womens sex drive.

Also the fatigue as well as weight gain etc could POSSIBLY I dicate a low thyroid condition.

Low thyroid also will inhibit sex drive and depression.

So it may make good sense to at least get her thyroid checked. And you HAVE to get the following three blood tests. Do NOT be satisfied with only testing for TSH which is a nearly worthless test although most Drs will say and believe that it is the gold standard test. It is not. Demand the following tests as a minimum:

1) FREE T4
2) FREE T3

Make sure they are designated to be th "free" test. Otherwise they will test "total" and the "total" test is outdated and of little value. The body only uses the free hormomes that are free from being attached to a protein.

Other tests that also contribute to fatigue if low are:

3) vitamin D3
4) vitamin B12
5) Iron
6) Ferritin

Iron and ferritin are both needed to properly metabolize thyroid as well.

smokejumper
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Re: Help/venting

Postby smokejumper » Mon Jun 01, 2015 10:53 am

My wife has been on Levothyroxine for 12 or so years now for her thyroid. I don't know her numbers but they are low without the Levothyroxine.

Unfulfilled
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Re: Help/venting

Postby Unfulfilled » Mon Jun 01, 2015 12:47 pm

It is extremely common for drs to keep people undermedicated.

Also some people have trouble competing between T4 and T3. It is important to know that your body's cells ONLY use the free T3 hormone. So it is ansitwly critical to get the free T3 test and numbers.

You if you want can Private message me for further discussion or to lost off her numbers and I can help evaluate them for consideration.

And as far as your vent. Believe me I know what you mean. I am living the same story for the most part.

I have some hope as both DW and I are getting counseling. But it is still not easy by any means.

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SeekingChange
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Re: Help/venting

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Jun 01, 2015 1:21 pm

Some, if not most or all, is a heart issue, only God can change that. If her heart was right, it wouldn't matter what the external circumstances are. As you work on changing yourself, seriously intercede for your wife and that the Spirit will work in her.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

smokejumper
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Re: Help/venting

Postby smokejumper » Tue Jun 02, 2015 6:16 am

In my daily Bible reading I have just started reading Philippians. Today reading Philippians 2:5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus (NKJV). The NLT has it "you must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had". I am taking this as we can choose or should choose our attitudes. I have now idea how I can choose to be happy for warm when I feel so bad. I know I should but sometimes I want to be angry (this is so negative).

These past weeks have been really hard for me spiritually. I accepted Jesus as my savior when I was younger 7/8, I can't remember. For the last six months, though I have been really convicted that I need to be baptized in water. I had a really hard time with this as I have always been taught the water doesn't matter as much as accepting Jesus. Well, I heard the messages differently in the six months and knew I needed to do it. For the two weeks prior and still now almost a month later I feel I am being attacked spiritually and it's non stop. This is making this all the more worse.

Can anybody recommend a good sexuality bible study my wife and I could do at our house together?

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Nvr2Late
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Re: Help/venting

Postby Nvr2Late » Tue Jun 02, 2015 6:23 am

smokejumper wrote:My wife has been on Levothyroxine for 12 or so years now for her thyroid. I don't know her numbers but they are low without the Levothyroxine.


A ha! Synthetic T4. Also, with thyroid meds, "low" can be a misleading categorization, as with TSH, higher is BAD while lower (to a point around .1 or .2) is good. If this seems confusing, rightly so. Many MDs do not even understand how to optimally treat the thyroid! I've been fighting this battle since 1985.

I encourage you both to educate yourselves on the workings of the thyroid gland and how it literally affects every system of the body. This will put you in a better place to understand what she is facing and how to go about restoring her metabolism and her health.

Here's a link to a site that will help you understand that if your wife is on levothyroxine (aka Synthroid) there is a possibility that she is woefully undermedicated which will lead to many of the problems you mention: http://www.stopthethyroidmadness.com/
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sd595
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Re: Help/venting

Postby sd595 » Tue Jun 02, 2015 6:24 am

smokejumper wrote:For the last six months, though I have been really convicted that I need to be baptized in water. I had a really hard time with this as I have always been taught the water doesn't matter as much as accepting Jesus. Well, I heard the messages differently in the six months and knew I needed to do it.


Do it. Get it done. Be obedient to what the Holy Spirit is calling you to do.
Get out your bible and see what He says. Pray to Him right now and ask Him for His wisdom in the matter. He will not fail you if you put your faith and trust in Him.

smokejumper
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Re: Help/venting

Postby smokejumper » Tue Jun 02, 2015 6:35 am

sd595 wrote:Do it. Get it done. Be obedient to what the Holy Spirit is calling you to do.


I am sorry if I was misleading. I got baptized on mothers day. For the two weeks prior to the baptism and up till now I feel a lot of temptations and external forces working on me. I am taking this as the devil didn't want me to be baptized and now is trying to make life harder. I realize this and know what is happening, but it doesn't make it any easier.

sd595
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Re: Help/venting

Postby sd595 » Tue Jun 02, 2015 8:01 am

smokejumper wrote:I got baptized on mothers day. For the two weeks prior to the baptism and up till now I feel a lot of temptations and external forces working on me.


Excellent, praying for you that He strengthens you!
Get out your bible and see what He says. Pray to Him right now and ask Him for His wisdom in the matter. He will not fail you if you put your faith and trust in Him.

Unfulfilled
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Re: Help/venting

Postby Unfulfilled » Tue Jun 02, 2015 10:39 am

Smokejumper,

I know where you are. I too am having struggle right now. Maybe the hardest in my life.

Satan list of things he hates are people who are moving closer to Christ and people who are working to heal wounds in a marriage. These nearly top the list of things Satan hates.

Therefore those of us who are making the effort to walk with Christ and improve our marriage (which the devil uses to drive a wedge between) may as well have put a HUGE target on our back with a sign that taunts Satan to take aim directly at us.

We are not alone as I'm sure others here are fighting the same battle.

Take this difficulty as a badge of honor and bear the weight of this cross and persevere.

I understand completely that even knowing this does not make the weight of that cross lighter. Consider it a test. And you know that the truth will always win despite the valleys.

BTW: this is all meant for me as much as you as I need the pep talk as much or maybe more than anyone right now.

You are not alone brother! Fight on! Semper fidelis. (Always faithful)

tjw
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Re: Help/venting

Postby tjw » Tue Nov 08, 2016 12:21 pm

On birth control
Zoloft
is overweight some (I don’t care, but I think she is self-conscience about it)
works a demanding job.
Neither she nor I waited for marriage to have sexual relationships.
two kids that are high maintenance
She is very reserved in ML
She is tired all the time
she doesn’t have the energy for sex


Wow. With all these "strikes", I don't think it's any mystery why she doesn't care about sex. It's a very low priority, to her, compared to all the other activities which burn all her energies. To you, it's a high priority, so the conflict ensues.

We are not alone as I'm sure others here are fighting the same battle.


Yep. Sounds very much like DW and me. Except, we have an empty nest.

smokejumper
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Help break cycle

Postby smokejumper » Tue Nov 08, 2016 12:38 pm

This past year has been pretty good in regards to our sex life. In the past, my wife has had problems with having an orgasm due to her Zoloft and typical birth control. Sex for her is difficult and sometimes painful. The past six months have been a lot better for our sex life; she was switched off of ortho tri-cyclen and placed on Minastrin 24 Fe, and she stopped taking Zoloft (she told me she hated feeling nothing, so she stopped). We have been averaging close to once a week or close (still not enough for me but better than once a month or so). During this time with no Zoloft and a different birth control she was a lot more active love maker, she had initiated, was more vocal, and was able to orgasm easier. About six weeks ago her anxiety came back with a vengeance along with bad migraines, zero sex drive and her feeling like she can’t feel any stimulation at all in while love making.

At this time she restarted the Zoloft (we discussed it and felt it was the best) and she made a mistake and missed a day of the birth-control. After the missed day of birth-control, she went into a full blow period and was basically in bed one entire day with the symptoms and head-ache. For the past six weeks, sex had been a fight, and she again said she wasn’t going to take the Zoloft because it makes her dead to emotions. This time coming off the Zoloft has not helped her feel like sex and cannot feel any sex stimulation. The last time we had sex she couldn’t orgasm at all. She feels like she is broken because of the lack of sexual desire. All this time her headaches have been getting worse even though she has been put on Imitrex and naproxen for the migraines. This past weekend she had a major blow-up, and I was grabbing my keys to leave when she said she wanted to talk. From this talk I know everything is going to get better, we are going to see a councilor (or at least she is for now) and we will make this work. I have some questions I would like to ask:

1. Has anyone had any experience with Minastrin 24 Fe?
a. If so how is it?, I have read some reviews online and feel this may be the source of her current depression and headaches.
2. She feels she needs to see a councilor a few time by herself to fix herself, should I try and make her do this as a couple or give her space in this? She’s not saying we aren’t going to do consoling together, but she said she needs time to “fix herself.” I think I will get myself some counseling at this time to work on my issues as well.
3. She doesn’t want to take the Zoloft, is this ok.

I know this is rambly, but I needed to get this all down.

Please pray for us.

tjw
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Re: Help break cycle

Postby tjw » Wed Nov 09, 2016 6:43 am

should I try and make her do this as a couple or give her space in this?

Give her space. Allow her the time and help that she needs. Brother, the fact that she has recognized her own issues and is seeking her own help independently from you is MAJOR cause for rejoicing and thanks to God.

I think I will get myself some counseling at this time to work on my issues as well.

I think that is a very good idea.

She doesn’t want to take the Zoloft, is this ok

Yes, it's absolutely ok, but it should be titrated down under the direction of her doctor. If she finds that she continues to need an anti-depressant going forward, a couple of them have not much effect on sexuality. She could be switched to one of these. Again, professional management is necessary.

I'm so happy for you and your wife, brother, and I thank God for answered prayer. Prayer will continue.

smokejumper
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Re: Help break cycle

Postby smokejumper » Wed Nov 09, 2016 9:41 am

TJW: Thank-you very much for the reply. I plan on adding to this forum for as long as it takes to work out our problems. Sometimes reading these forums can be depressing because we read about the bad, but often we dont get to the point of things getting better, which encourages readers.

Again thanks


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