HD Wife having several issues

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
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HD Wife having several issues

Postby PhoenixFire » Mon Aug 10, 2015 5:35 pm

As a bit of an introduction, my husband and I have been married for a little over two months now. I'm 24, he's 29. He's a wonderful man. Very generous with the kisses, hand holding, hugs, and gifts. He loves to cuddle and is all the time doing sweet, thoughtful things for me. I'm not quite as on top of it in the gifts and little things department, but I'm trying.

We attended marriage counseling before we were married and took the 5 Love Languages test (and both came out with Physical Touch as our highest language). We discussed sex and expectations shortly before the wedding. Of course we were both looking forward to getting to that aspect of the marriage. When we talked about expectations for frequency, we agreed that we both wanted multiple times per week, almost everyday - sometimes multiple times per day. He was concerned about not doing it right or being bad at it, so I reassured him and said it's a learning process because sex will be new and we won't be good at it for a while. I felt like I had reasonable expectations.

Fast forward to wedding night. We made it to our hotel at around six, ate dinner and went back to the room around 8:30. I was ready to go after showering and changing. He said he was too tired and wanted to wait until the next night. Well, I finally got him in the mood, so we ended up having sex that night. Throughout the honeymoon, I felt like I was having to do a large part of the initiating. We never had sex more than once a day, and even skipped a day. I was disappointed, but thought that when we got back from the honeymoon, things would settle down and we would get into a groove with some regularity.

When we got back home, I came to a definite conclusion. I was the high drive spouse. After the honeymoon, he initiated less, and it seemed like less of an expectation that we would have sex on a given night. It seems like now I'm the initiator 90% of the time. If I don't hint at it during the day, or make an obvious suggestion around the time we're winding down for the night, he's just happy to cuddle.

That's not saying that we're having sex infrequently. It's just that the frequency isn't enough for me. We're averaging maybe 3 nights a week, sometimes 4, but it doesn't seem like it.

I have talked to him multiple times about the frequency I would like. I've told him that first thing in the morning and before we go to bed aren't the only two options for sex. I've asked him if he even thinks about sex during the day (he says he does). It's just as if there's no outward sexual desire shown other than affection (holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc.) I've asked him what I can do to get him in the mood (He doesn't know).

Usually if I initiate, he'll go for it and be in to it, but then there's little to no foreplay. I don't think he fully realizes that if we go from 0 to 60 - from nothing to intercourse, then I'm nowhere near ready and if he doesn't use lube, it hurts! I have had to ask him multiple times to use lube, but I don't think he really gets why. I've encouraged him and suggested different things for him to try, places to touch, and what to do, but after a while, he says he just doesn't know what else to do. I will do OS and MS for him, which he enjoys, but he says he just can't do oral for me (he says he can't get over the smell if he tries going down there, even if I shower right before). He has tried manual a couple of times, but has been too rough and it's not worked out yet. I've asked him to try again, so we'll see if that goes anywhere.

If I give him OS or MS, he's fine and ready to go to sleep or chill out - no thoughts of sex or helping me out. This really frustrates me because I feel left out.

If I bring up any of these points or suggestions of things we can do or try, or if I try to share what I'm feeling and get a little upset, then gets upset and usually ends up crying - he's more sensitive than me. He says that he's frustrated because he hasn't made me O yet and he feels like he's not pleasing me. I try to reassure him that these things take time, but then the discussion just turns from a discussion to me consoling him.

And to top it off, I'm the HD spouse. I'm the one who really thinks about sex and really desires it, yet I barely get any pleasure from it. I haven't had the big O yet, and the only time I feel anything from PIV sex is if I am on top - and then that good feeling lasts for about 10 seconds, then abruptly stops. I'm to the point now that it's like only my brain is desiring sex, because my body has stopped feeling things in anticipation of sex. That tingly feeling I used to get when we would start kissing or doing anything intimate - I haven't felt that since the honeymoon.

I know it's still early in our marriage and that we have a long time to figure this out, but I feel so frustrated and sad about our sex life. I am a very optimistic person usually and I'm trying to keep my husband optimistic also, but sometimes it just gets too much and I have to vent. Sorry about the long post, but I've been keeping this inside for a while now and I don't really have anyone I can go to about this particular topic.

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Re: HD Wife having several issues

Postby MrsBouman » Mon Aug 10, 2015 8:01 pm

I am the higher drive spouse as well, but only by a bit. I was devastated on our honeymoon when on the fifth or sixth day (after probably having sex 8-10 times the days before) he asked if we could skip the day.

Our conversations leading up to our wedding led me to conclude that every other day was our goal, but all of my education about men had prepared me to have it every day or even more often. I wasn't prepared for a husband who physically only desires sex every other day or so. (He wasn't exactly prepared for this either because a bachelor leading up to a wedding is certainly going to jump at the idea of sex every day!) It took me several months to drop my expectation and settle into sex every other day for the most part (when I'm ovulating my pheromones make him go crazy so sometimes it's every day or twice on a day). And now I'm quite happy. I don't *need* it more. Would I enjoy it more? Sure! I waited a heckuva long time to be with this man and he's the only man I'll ever be able to do this with so I would do it five or six times a day if we had time! But we don't and I enjoy the times we have sexy and I enjoy the things we do together when we're not having sex.

As far as oral, to be completely honest, many women orgasm most frequently from oral. I reliably have orgasms from oral only (I've only had two from intercourse in the 14 months we've been married). It took my husband a couple months to warm up to the idea as well. He thought he would love it and then when he got down there the first time he just wasn't impressed. Haha. But he got over it. Flavored lube helped A LOT. He still uses it most of the time. And we usually only do it immediately after the shower (and no matter how clean a woman is, sometimes even fresh after a shower a vagina still smells like a vagina). After he got over it, it still took 3 or 4 tries before I orgasmed the first time. It's a hard skill to learn!

Those are all my experiences, but here is my advice: as far as orgasms, when he brings up his feelings about not being able to do this for you, strategize with him. Have you tried flavored lube? Have you tried different times in your cycle when your chemistry is different and you smell different? Orgasms from oral don't actually have to involve the vagina at all in many cases. Maybe encourage him to make friends with your clitoris. If oral is completely off the table, maybe start talking about trying to find a vibrator that works for you. I have no knowledge in this area to share, but it could be an option! In terms of sex, like I said earlier, I rarely orgasm from intercourse, but there are certain positions that yield TONS of pleasure for me and I actually enjoy them more than intercourse. How many positions have you experimented with? Find the one or ones that drive you wild and encourage him in those! Make them a regular part of your repertoire.

In terms of initiating, I don't have too much to say. I experimented a little bit with just not bringing it up for a couple of days to see where his threshold was. In nearly every healthy marriage, the higher drive spouse waits just a little longer than they'd like and the lower drive spouse goes just a little sooner than they'd like. You have to find the middle ground. You haven't been married very long (neither have I for that matter!), so give it some more time. We had three or four tearful fights where I thought I wasn't sexy enough or didn't do a good enough job for him to want me more often before I realized that's just not how he's made and set my expectations at a more realistic level for my man and my marriage. That doesn't mean the lower drive spouse is always right or always calls the shots, but you can only change you and so my advice to you is work to find that middle ground and remember that God made the man you love different than you and probably a little different than you expected. And you likely can find a place of peace and harmony within that if you're willing to work together.

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Re: HD Wife having several issues

Postby MayDayGirl » Tue Aug 11, 2015 5:53 am

I can relate to a lot of what you are dealing with, especially in the first decade of my marriage. One thing I would caution you about: the male ego is a VERY delicate thing. Criticizing his low drive is probably the worst thing you can do. I totally agree with everything MrsBouman said, especially about only being able to change yourself and learning to make peace.

With that said, I would make it clear that if you initiate OS or MS on him, you do not want to be left high and dry. If you masturbate, I would encourage you to show him what satisfies you and teach him how to help you O that way.

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Re: HD Wife having several issues

Postby Unfulfilled » Tue Aug 11, 2015 10:48 am

I think a BIG part of your DH issue is what he told you his fear was before marriage and has since told you. He is afraid of doing it "wrong" and the fact you have not O'd yet is proof to him that he is inadequate and is failing you. The fact he tried and failed at OS further "proved" to him his failure.

If each time you had sex you felt like your a failure, how often would you initiate or want to even have sex versus avoid it?

I like be wrong but he seems to have voiced his fear pretty clearly and in his mind his fear has come to fruition.

You guys are EXTREMELY early in your marriage. There is a TON of things to learn and sex certainly is one huge area to learn and grow in.

They are right that a man's ego is EXTREMELY delicate in the hands of their wife. Others words will bounce off of him, but the exact same words from his DW will devastate him.

I would recommend reading the Book "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggrichs o recmend that book to anyone who is about to get married, newly married oromg time married. It is equally important for both spouses. While not specifically about sex, there is some discussion about sex and the importance. Understand that the book is written for the stereotypical male/female. So the book is written with the man being more high drive. But the concepts and principles remain the same even if some roles are flip flopped.

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Re: HD Wife having several issues

Postby Dgenerous » Tue Aug 11, 2015 12:35 pm

Friends, can someone please ear yen me to come back to this if I forget?

OP, your story sounds *exactly* like mine. I think you should try to get some counseling. You might read my story by clicking on my user name, but keep in mind that mine is after years of the situation not improving. After a lot of work, our sex life is wonderful! But I wish I would have trusted myself enough to press for counseling sooner.
I have found the one whom my soul loves.

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