Past sexual relationships affecting sex in marriage

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
rbklmk30
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Past sexual relationships affecting sex in marriage

Postby rbklmk30 » Wed Aug 26, 2015 7:43 am

I'm new and not sure if this is the correct place to post this.

I'm curious if anyone can provide me some insight or signs to look for, etc. My wife and I both had sex with others before marriage however she had more sexual relationships than I. Honestly mine were mostly one night stands. I'm not proud of it and regret it but that is the truth. Before meeting her in college when we were both 21 I never wanted a committed relationship. Anyways we're both 40 have been married 15 years. I'm the HD and she the LD (I hope I am giving the correct acronyms. I can't locate the legend). Our sex life, pretty much since marriage has been boring. It's always in the bedroom with the lights off. Generally there's no foreplay and we go straight to PIV because she wants it that way and gets annoyed if not. When she will allow me to, I give her OS. In addition, 90% of the time it's missionary and much of the time she O's first. However, after she O's, she seems like she just wants me to O and get it over with. She also only gives me OS maybe once a year, probably once every couple years. When she does its only for 30 seconds or so and she has never done it until O. It's always bothered me but I've just kinda let it go. When we first began dating almost 20 years ago she claimed that she had TMJ, which is some type of jaw disorder, and way back then she would actually complain about the pain of it from time to time. However she hasn't complained about it since we've been married and still won't do it.

After giving a brief background, my question for the board is, and I have just begun to wonder this. Do any of you have experience with past sex affecting current sex? Could that be part of the problem? Are there particular things or signs to look for to determine if it is? I know the easy thing to do would be to just ask. But I don't think she'd admit it if it was. We've had some problems in our marriage but only within the last few years. This has been going on pretty much since the wedding.

Thank you all for your input and thoughts.


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SeekingChange
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Re: Past sexual relationships affecting sex in marriage

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Aug 26, 2015 8:26 am

Sexual past definitely can affect the marriage bed. I would guess that is not the only thing going on, but it is more than likely part of the issue.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Past sexual relationships affecting sex in marriage

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Aug 26, 2015 5:47 pm

Premarital sexual experiences were a big factor in my own marriage. They created a shaky foundation and made it hard to respond appropriately when unrelated problems showed up in our marriage. I shared some of that in this thread: Premarital sex a cause of the lack of sexual priority?

If past sex is affecting your wife negatively, she may not even be fully aware that it is. Still, a conversation might be helpful in encouraging her to think--especially if it begins with a sincere apology for your own past sex.
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Re: Past sexual relationships affecting sex in marriage

Postby C_Brown » Wed Aug 26, 2015 6:46 pm

There could be a lot of factors at play causing her to act that way. Really you need to talk with her about it, or at least put your thoughts into an email to her and try to have a conversation that way. TMJ is something a dentist can do something about I think, but really the issue seems to be with something in her heart or in her head. May have nothing to do with any past relationship she had, and if it does it is likely related to guilt over it.
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rbklmk30
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Re: Past sexual relationships affecting sex in marriage

Postby rbklmk30 » Thu Aug 27, 2015 5:24 am

I really appreciate the advice. We have other problems to work through too. I used to look at porn a lot and have only recently become aware of how hurtful it is to a spouse. I honestly thought everyone looked at it when helping themselves and that it wasn't that big a deal. I feel horrible about it now. I also had an addiction to painkillers that caused a lot of problems. I've been clean for over 3 years now but she still has trust issues, which I understand. She had an affair right after we got married. I had always had suspicions about it but she admitted a few years ago and said it was because I was looking at porn. So I have had trust issues with her as well. To be completely honest, I wonder whether she has ever completely trusted me and I her, and I think it may be because of the past sexual relationships.

Needless to say, we have some serious work to do. Thank you again for your thoughts. I am so glad to have stumbled upon this site. I have learned so much in the last few weeks, about myself and my actions, her and her actions, as well as what a marriage should really be. I had no clue for 15 years and I don't think she does either. You can probably guess that communication is a major problem. I take a lot blame because I shut down and hold everything in. But I love her and am committed to trying to make things better and now I know how to. I don't know how committed she is but I will find out soon enough.

Sorry for the rant.


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