One Frustrated Fella.....

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
L0501
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One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby L0501 » Sat Dec 19, 2015 1:40 am

Why at 40, is my wife is now so very interested in sex??? Background to my frustration here is as follows........

When we met she was beautiful. [mod edit] We messed around lots and she was always into it. Although intercourse was off the table until marriage (which I was perfectly fine with). When we got married, physical encounters got weird. Immediately. For such a big deal, she showed little interest in sex on our wedding night - left everything to me, wasn't suggestive, didn't plan any particularly stimulating underthings (same ole same ole), etc. Our honeymoon was more of the same. She seemed barely interested. Shy, ashamed, whatever it was.......it was not good. It took one of her long-time girlfriends to buy her the only pair of sexy underwear (as a shower gift) that she brought along. But when she did put them on she acted like it was stupid and she was embarrassed about it. Contrast here is that before we married she often wore sexy stringy thong undies regularly all on her own.

I even got turned down one night of the honeymoon - at one of the most cliche romantical beach harlequin romance novel moments I could ever possibly imagine. Then her period. Said she was embarrassed by this - but I would have thought our wedding and honeymoon (or period) would have been planned for NOT this monumental moment. So needless to say, not much sex occurred.

Right from go, sex was barely a monthly occurrence. I held her close every single night for months at the beginning - one arm over her hip and hand cupping her lower front and the other arm under her body with hand cupping a breast. But nothing. Not a move. Not a peep. At least she slept naked I guess. But I eventually gave up on that. Tried to talk about the issue and even received what I thought was understanding - but nothing changed. She started wearing jammie pants to bed. Then a top eventually.

We had a child after a couple years. Sexual encounters of ANY kind virtually dried up completely at that point. Her tummy was pretty badly damaged during that pregnancy but it honestly didn't bug me much. She was gorgeous, had a great rear end still, was still trim, and I couldn't complain about the nursing boobs that's for sure. She always seemed to have a shyness about her naturally small breasts. [mod edit] Now they were fuller. I told her she was beautiful (all over), even bought her lingerie to show her I still thought so. It must have sat in its package on the dresser for weeks. Long enough that I had to ask about it. It got worn eventually, but with massive reluctance.

We agreed this situation wasn't good but I never got a clear explanation for the reason. We together decided to buy a book of suggestions that scheduled and planned encounters for us. I did my part to prepare and be available. She waited until the last minute almost every time (even missed it once or twice), then flubbed something together in a hurry. It was so lackluster I couldn't believe this was what her "assignment" was. In a weak and frustrated moment I snuck a peak at her "secret tasks" - what she did barely resembled the instructions and she even skipped many of them - ones she didn't feel comfortable with.

We had another child a few years later but not much changed in the sex department. I was getting a clear message that any amount of regular sex would be for baby making time only. She had her tummy surgically repaired and I hoped that might help something, but again, it didn't bother me to look at - even now with the surgical scars it doesn't. Nothing changed.

Ten years came along and I booked a holiday to the very same resort we honeymooned at. I thought a do-over on both our parts would be a good thing and a thoughtful situation. I did flowers, special room turn-down requests with champagne, etc, etc. She planned pretty much squat. So other than arguments erupting out of tension, it was basically a repeat of the first time. We eventually went to couple's therapy that I later found out was actually "sex therapy" under a guise of "relationship councelling". I say guise because not once did our sessions touch on sexual issues. Not once.

So here we are. Fifteen years in a few months. She has now somehow developed a desire for sex recently. But should be a good thing, right? Except I think I've mentally disassociated her from sexual desire and intimate physical encounters altogether. Even her naked body doesn't say sex to me anymore. Maybe because there was never that link. Either way, it`s now a chore for ME to get into it. And of course now she's frustrated with me and feels defeated. Of course she would be. When I ask where this new desire has come from in defense of my involuntary disassociation, she says it's quite common for women to be more interested when they reach their thirties and forties.

Seems like a cruel life trick where the sex belonged with the younger body [mod edit] and the lower libido with the aged one.

But here's my questions........ Am I alone in this situation? What do I do?? And why on earth (now that her butt isn't near as great as it was, her hair isn't as beautiful, her breasts are now spent from nursing our children, and all the other natural physical changes that come with age) would it be normal to develop a sexual desire at this stage of things????

Oh, and before anything is posted asking me about my contributions to our life together....... I have always been honest and faithful to my wife; I do my share of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, vacuuming; I am handy (by trade); I hang out with our children; plan fun events; sign them up for their sports, music, etc; and I have always brought home the vast majority of our family income.

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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby SLS » Sat Dec 19, 2015 1:51 am

Welcome to the board L0501. Wish you were here under better circumstances.

It is true that the sexual peak for men tends to be around 18-25 while for women it is 30-40.

In terms of her "transformation" from someone who seemed to be gung ho for sex before marriage to a non-existent drive within marriage I am wondering if she carried some guilt from fooling around with you before marriage? Perhaps her embarrassment and shame was due to never acknowledging and asking forgiveness for what happened before the wedding.

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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby 2pack » Sat Dec 19, 2015 5:42 am

L0501 wrote:But here's my questions........ Am I alone in this situation? What do I do?? And why on earth (now that her butt isn't near as great as it was, her hair isn't as beautiful, her breasts are now spent from nursing our children, and all the other natural physical changes that come with age) would it be normal to develop a sexual desire at this stage of things????


I'm not sure it matters whether you are alone in this situation. If you've spent much time reading here, you'll find all kinds of situations with a lot of similarities, yet their own nuances.

What do you do? Well, you have an opportunity that many men cry for. I can understand feeling used or slighted, but usually with sexual openness comes some transparency. Ask her about those years but in a way to build on the future and your relationship, not to be bitter about the past. Your 40. That's hardly old. I am in my mid 40 ' s and we are just finding the best sex in our 16 years of marriage.

You also wrote some critical things about her appearance. Those words surprised me. Is that just years of distance coming through in your words?
I'm a moth flyin' into the light of it's doom - You wrap me up in your love cocoon...

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One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby Husband_In_Training » Sat Dec 19, 2015 7:29 am

L0501 - You are definitely not alone. Your story sounds nearly identical to mine. From the before marriage high interest and underwear choices, weird honeymoon, total change of desire in marriage, sleeping naked at first (until kids) but little desire, tummy issues, poor body image but you love her desperately and think she's the most beautiful woman in the world. Everything you're saying hits home with me. We're also in 40's and married 15 years.

One big difference though is your wife's new interest. (Is this really possible?) As one other poster said, many other husbands are crying for your current situation. I am for sure.

Whatever you need to do to get yourself back to your earlier self and take advantage of this time in your life, do it!. This may be the only chance you have to be at this stage of marriage. You have the opportunity of an incredible marriage full of love and passion. Don't throw that away!

As I've learned the hard way, you can only fix you. You've been living with one of the most difficult things to fix imaginable and now you have this awesome opportunity. Go get yourself in shape, get some counseling, get your T checked, whatever you need to do.

You have control of this blessing God has brought to your marriage.

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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby be64 » Sat Dec 19, 2015 9:29 am

While I wouldn't say that my situation has been like yours. Sex has always been good in our marriage but has gotten better with time. My wife has become more willing and interested in it with time. After nearly 28 years of marriage we are having the best sex of our lives.

A few years back I started feeling regret for things I felt I had missed out on sex wise earlier on in our marriage. I decided I would change things so that when I was old and perhaps unable to have sex I would not look back on middle age with regret.

I worked to make sex better for my wife, and worked on techniques that made it better for me. We are now having twice as much sex as we did early in marriage, about 16-18 times a month and we are both enjoying it more than ever.

My advice to you would be that regardless of what happened in the past, embrace your wife's new found interest in sex. Never turn her down, and make each encounter great for each of you. Don't let regrets of the past spoil the present. Make a new year resolution to make your sex life, and marriage, the best it has ever been.

Again I would say that unwise is the husband who would ever turn down sex from his wife.
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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby L0501 » Sat Dec 19, 2015 3:52 pm

Thanks for the replies everybody.

I also need to clarify that her new found desire could hardly be described as insatiable, aggressive, or even extroverted much at all. Barely goes beyond a naked body standing or lying nearly actionless.......... the same as before. With a demeanor not far from the same also. And I'm not about to sex on a ragdoll. That's awful in so many ways.

SLS -I don't think we're at all eye to eye on the pre-marital thing.
Guilt from fooling around?? No, of course not. Asking for forgiveness?? For what? We managed to deny the natural desires God himself gave us and avoided intercourse pre-marriage out of sheer responsibility. Responsibility toward the possibility of bringing a child into the world outside a cohesive commmitted family unit.

2pack - I have asked about those years. It's mostly "I dunno" responses. So I can't see how an unwillingness to acknowledge a falter or acknowledge mistakes could possibly help build on a future. The future itself is built on the past and present. We learn, adapt, evolve, improve, and grow based on personal experiences. Starting again at practically the same point with practically the same actions? More of the same = more of the same.

Not sure how it's surprising that I described changes in physical appearance. Those changes are very much relevant to my state of desire and the state of our sexual relationship. Her physical appearance used to be arousing all on its own. Now that's changed. Relationship maturity and mental states make up for those changes that time puts to all of us so we don't end up confined to sad state of "doing it in the dark". But there's a combination of those things that were either never there or are now damaged. That makes her physical attractiveness pretty dang relevant at this point. So I suppose it's years of distance together with years of ageing.

Husband_In_Training - There's the rub I suppose .......getting myself back to my earlier self. Nothing low about my T (trust me, I have no lack of desire or erection difficulties - oddly even still dream sexy dreams about my wife), I'm in better shape now than when we met (always been athletic, but now actually trimmer than I was in my twenties, no beer gut, hairline still where it's always been, dress well).

I guess my own personal councelling is the only thing I haven't tried. I'll have to check into that.

be64 - I would never dream of turning her down. Never have, never will.......intentionally. That would be flat out disrespect and crushing for certain. I'm referring to the signals that she sends being a very unefforted attempt at getting my attention after programming me for well over a decade that she just isn't into it. Ignoring that programming is very VERY difficult, and most times I realize her subtle advances only in hindsight. This is immensely frustrating for me because I am quite sure it is regarded as a "turn-down".

In conclusion....... I love her, want to please her, and want great sex with her. But it sounds like I may have to let go of that last one and just do it out of husbandry duty. That cliche phrase, "Too little, too late." seems to be unveiling with personal meaning for me know.

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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby be64 » Sat Dec 19, 2015 5:28 pm

I don't mean to make light of your situation, but I've never heard a man taking about performing "duty sex". I live for sex so for me it never seems like a duty.
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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby doug-h » Sat Dec 19, 2015 6:29 pm

L0501,

Please don't take this the wrong way, but your thread is a bit confusing. You lay all of your difficulties in the past on your wife, including her not "planning" her period around your honeymoon. :shock: You seem to be infatuated with the body she once had, and instead of celebrating the sacrifice she made bearing and nursing your children, you make disparaging remarks about the way it has changed her body. Honesty is one thing, but your remarks seem designed to be downright cruel. Not only that, but in the entire thread, I didn't find a single kind or generous remark directed towards her. I read nothing in there that you were ever, in any way at fault. Maybe that's true, but I doubt it. From what I read in a few paragraphs, I would be willing to wager that she has picked up on a few points over the last 15 years that just might have influenced things negatively. I am not saying it is your fault, only that you may well have contributed.

I am not saying that the way you were treated was right. It was completely wrong. It was also in the past, and you have a very real opportunity to leave it there, but from what I can tell, you are stuck in the past as well. No hope for you there, Brother.


Let me make this easy for you. Change your heart towards your wife. Tell yourself she is beautiful, and believe it. I can trace every stretch mark, every scar, every change in my wife's body, and every grey hair, and love her, and her body even more because of them, because I know where they came from. There is nothing ugly about them. They are all beautiful to me.

I love her, want to please her, and want great sex with her. But it sounds like I may have to let go of that last one and just do it out of husbandry duty.


That sounds like a choice you are making, not the reality as it has to be. If you equate great sex with a young bride, then you are in a hopeless situation. If your wife is willing, and you can get past your own hangups, then you can have great sex. I had the best sex of my life with a 53 year old woman, and I am looking forward to even better sex with a 54 year old. Your problem may be rooted in the past, but your problem is you, in the present.

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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Dec 19, 2015 6:51 pm

As a wife, whose body has done some major changing in 21 years of marriage, there were some things said that make me cringe, but I wanted to just point this out....
be64 wrote:I don't mean to make light of your situation, but I've never heard a man taking about performing "duty sex". I live for sex so for me it never seems like a duty.

There have been multiple men on here who prefer NO sex, to sex with a wife who acts like this...
L0501 wrote:I also need to clarify that her new found desire could hardly be described as insatiable, aggressive, or even extroverted much at all. Barely goes beyond a naked body standing or lying nearly actionless.......... the same as before. With a demeanor not far from the same also. And I'm not about to sex on a ragdoll. That's awful in so many ways.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby poetess » Sat Dec 19, 2015 8:11 pm

Pulling those last two posts together, though . . . I can imagine it would be hard for a wife with a newly awakened libido to become uninhibited overnight. And she isn't going to get there with a husband who doesn't find her physically attractive. Tell her you love the way her eyes light up, or that she has a beautiful smile, that you just adore those nipples . . . whatever you can say honestly, but find things to say, parts to revel in, and pray for God to increase your awareness of the beauty of the rest of her.

A wife needs to feel cherished and desired if she's to feel confident and uninhibited.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby be64 » Sat Dec 19, 2015 9:38 pm

I am on record as saying that I believe each individual is responsible for their own sexual satisfaction. If things aren't going how you would like then it is up to you to make a change to create the situation that will make you happy and satisfied. You can't sit back and expect good sex to come to you, you have to go after it and make it good.
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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby Husband_In_Training » Sun Dec 20, 2015 5:11 am

L0501 wrote: Ignoring that programming is very VERY difficult

I guess I don't really understand this. I've spent the past 15 years hoping and praying every day that tomorrow the switch would turn on and my wife would want something more than twice a month quickies in a the dark wearing a ratty t-shirt that she won't take off. Despite that - I love her and realize she's the wife God gave me and is very likely the only sexual partner I will ever have.

I used to be really conflicted by my anger over her indifference combined with my inability to say no when she DID want sex - in an effort to get back at her. Then I would feel bad for taking advantage of her and swear I would never do that again - until the next time. Then I discovered this board and realized that God ordained sexuality in marriage and that it was perfectly fine to enjoy whatever form of sexual intimacy was available. I guess you could say the bondage of my anger fell away and I am now able to just enjoy what I do have.

So by your hanging on to this, "I'm programmed to avoid intimacy with my wife" story, what are you accomplishing in your marriage? I look at life in similar terms as the business mantra of "Grow or die". How can you use this to grow your marriage? Maybe if you are able to enjoy what she's willing to do now, and adore your wife - showing a genuine joy for her advances - it will encourage her to maintain her appearance (or bedroom attire or whatever it is that makes you find her attractive these days)

Not sure how to tell you this, but in all grace and kindness of our God, get over yourself and enjoy the wife He gave you. Inside she is still the same hottie you were hot for back in 2001. God can change every heart. I'll be praying He can change yours and help you appreciate what your wife is willing to provide to your marriage. As some of the older folks here keep saying, some of the best sex of their lives happens in their 50s 60s and beyond, so hang in there.

I'm still praying for this miracle too ..

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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby Redsman » Sun Dec 20, 2015 6:46 am

doug-h wrote:L0501, Let me make this easy for you. Change your heart towards your wife. Tell yourself she is beautiful, and believe it. I can trace every stretch mark, every scar, every change in my wife's body, and every grey hair, and love her, and her body even more because of them, because I know where they came from. There is nothing ugly about them. They are all beautiful to me.

I would tend to go with this....there are two people in marriage after all. I have heard and witnessed many people say "well, if my spouse would just do this", when they had some things that, if they made a change, their spouses "this" would improve dramatically.

My wife has been and is an LD DW. BUT, I have found that texting her things that are complimentary throughout the day, even giving her a prolonged kiss as she heads out the door, help to significantly change her overall demeanor. Things that I do, not that she does, help her feel loved and sexy. If I give her mental, emotional and physical "nourishment" with words throughout the day, she is more apt to be open to anything, even if its just taking a shower later on.

Also, I must remove the plank in my life before I can consider removing her speck. If I have unconfessed sin, no matter how "small", that also interferes. The little foxes cause the biggest problems in our mb.

Praying for you, brother.

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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby FoxluvsBunny » Mon Dec 21, 2015 12:02 pm

poetess wrote:Pulling those last two posts together, though . . . I can imagine it would be hard for a wife with a newly awakened libido to become uninhibited overnight. And she isn't going to get there with a husband who doesn't find her physically attractive. Tell her you love the way her eyes light up, or that she has a beautiful smile, that you just adore those nipples . . . whatever you can say honestly, but find things to say, parts to revel in, and pray for God to increase your awareness of the beauty of the rest of her.

A wife needs to feel cherished and desired if she's to feel confident and uninhibited.


YES Poetess! :) I don't have much to add, but i have to second the wealth of good advice given here. A young woman's body might be outwardly beautiful, but there is so much more to beauty and sexiness than the outward (not that i understand the male mind, but i'm sure other deeper traits are as or more sexy than a figure... right guys?).

Sure... Her body isn't as perfect as it was when she was 20 because it nourished and carried your children! And a woman's body changes more than a man's over time, due to hormones, and sometimes it's beyond her control to stop these changes. Honestly, as a woman who struggles with body image issues this kinda made me cringe. If i had a husband who was so critical of my body (which you describe yourself as being), I probably would be reserved about sharing it with him and would feel very sad and unloved. I feel most sexy and desire my husband most when I feel cherished and that he desires me!

I'm sure your wife, having all of those changes in her body might feel self conscious and needs to feel that you think she is at the very least somewhat desirable for you. Your attitude sounds like a female mood killer (and might actually be why she had desire issues in the past)- if my husband was so critical of my body, I would be very reserved to give it to him.

Sometimes i feel very self-conscious (and i am a young woman with no kids in my 20s)... and need to hear that he actually finds me beautiful cause i honestly have a hard time believing it and need to see and hear it. I'm sure if we are blessed with children, my body will change, and I will feel more self conscious and will need even more assurance, but Lord willing hopefully there will be a new kind of beauty that my husband will see after those changes, or I can tell you now, our sex life would suffer!

I suggest you examine your attitude, consider what you found attractive about her when you met, what you find desirable (and it doesn't have to be physical) now. Find ways to cherish your wife. And maybe after that you can work on some of the physical together (like working on eating healthier, and maybe exercising together and not telling her it's because you want her image to change), but i really think that's the secondary issue here.
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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby JHB » Mon Dec 21, 2015 2:09 pm

The immediate dismissal of the possibility of sin from pre-marriage having any consequences in the marriage is indicative.

You honestly think that as long as you don't have PIV sex with a woman you aren't married to that you haven't sinned against her or with her, sexually? You think that the Bible's commands against lust, adultery, and fornication are simply to prevent children out of wedlock?

I would look at that first.

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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby FoxluvsBunny » Mon Dec 21, 2015 7:50 pm

Hey again... i know everyone is sounding kinda harsh and you are new here. I wanted to add to what i wrote, i was pondering your post as i drove home work and i can see your perspective too, sorry if i only slammed you, because i can relate and can understand strongly how your wife might feel as a woman who struggles with body image issues.

I think if my handsome hubby had low desire for sex for years and then once he was fat and bald he suddenly wanted it, i'd be disappointed at what i missed out on for years esp if i had a hard time being attracted to him anymore after he aged (and i was for years and couldn't have him). At the same time, I think I'd need to pray about a change in my perspective with the situation at that point, and hopefully i'd come to a place of gratitude and enjoyment of the new closeness I can share with my husband and for God doing a work in him after all these years, not in my timing but His. Something to think about. :) merry Christmas and welcome here
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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby OldMarriedLady » Tue Dec 22, 2015 1:45 am

Moderator note: the rabbit trail has been removed. Please stay on the topic of the issues discussed in the OP - male weight gain was not one of them.
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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby Job29Man » Tue Dec 22, 2015 8:26 am

L0501,

Buddy, at least you have something to work with now. Here's where you pull on your leadership hat once again (as you tried but were thwarted earlier in your marriage). Time to lead her into the understanding that "sex takes effort by BOTH spouses."

She used to reluctantly submit to sex like a rag doll.
Now she wants sex, and still acts like a rag doll.
The problem now is the rag doll effect. She needs to be taught about sex as if she has no clue about it. Start from the beginning... "Honey, sex is mutual, a two-way street. I would LOVE to please you in bed, but you can't be a rag doll any longer. Now that your libido is waking up, your intellect needs to follow. You need to retrain yourself about what sex looks like. Real sex looks like two people seducing each other."
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Re: One Frustrated Fella.....

Postby FoxluvsBunny » Tue Dec 22, 2015 1:24 pm

Job29Man wrote:The problem now is the rag doll effect. She needs to be taught about sex as if she has no clue about it. Start from the beginning... "Honey, sex is mutual, a two-way street. I would LOVE to please you in bed, but you can't be a rag doll any longer. Now that your libido is waking up, your intellect needs to follow. You need to retrain yourself about what sex looks like. Real sex looks like two people seducing each other."


I want to say on thing about that that may have some insight for L0501. You said that you guys "messed around before marriage and she was always into it". I have a thought about that. Perhaps that set the precedent for the "rag doll effect" that you describe. We messed around lots before marriage, intercourse was the only thing off the table too. I had more guilt than my husband about what we were doing. He was more sexually experienced than I was. He had had oral sex with another girl and was more involved, while I had been somewhat physical w/ my 1 exboyfriend (in terms of kissing and he touched my breasts, but it didn't get that sexual in terms of genitals- that's where i drew the line w/ ex BF), I was inexperienced, naive, and had never seen or touched a penis when i started dating DH. I was awkward and a bit weirded and hesitant about his private areas cause it was all new to me. Oral sex on him was gross to me at the time (i love giving him it now :) ironically i now like to give it and getting it is a total turn off... opposite of before anyhow ).

Early in our dating relationship, my husband pushed for sexual things and it awakened a hunger in my body i never knew i had. After a time of pushing it away I started actually loving when he'd fondle me. Yet for some reason there was more guilt and shame for me when I'd play with him, so I didn't do that much of that. He would pleasure me but then he'd want my help pleasing him (hand jobs oral and stuff) and i'd shut down "what am I doing?!?!"... It set a bad stage, that I"m working to break now; a pattern of sex being about me and my needs and him pleasing me. I've only been married for 7 months, but i'm coming to this place where i'm realizing that it hasn't been a 2 way street, and i really want it to be. I'm finally in the last few months coming to a place where I truly love pleasing my husband as much when he pleases me and a new understanding of all of this, and how having it be all about me most of the time, is really shallow sex! Could some pattern be set by you pushing for her to be physical before marriage and she had some hesitation about it?
<3, Bunny
Just a Bunny learning everyday what it means to Love and Live Harmoniously with a Fox

But if you tame me then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world.~TLP


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