Married over 4 years with no intercourse.

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
shivore
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Married over 4 years with no intercourse.

Postby shivore » Mon Dec 21, 2015 12:19 pm

I don’t know if there is anyway you guys can help me but I’m feeling at my wit’s end here.

So we were married 4 and a half years ago. I'm 27 and she's 26. We still have not had intercourse at any time in our marriage.

Please don’t misunderstand, we are very sexually active and free with each other, but there has been no penetration. We regularly snuggle together in the nude almost daily, we bring each other to orgasm a few times a week by hand (I rub her outside, no internal manual stimulation), and occasionally we do some oral play.

However we don’t do penetration. At first we thought it was because we couldn’t get the angles right. Over time I’ve realized though that that’s not the issue. We think the issue is she’s not comfortable with something inside of her, she won’t even wear tampons.

Over time we’ve tried various things… we’ve tried playing with just one finger, then over time moving to two, then three… we’ve tried working with a dildo… most recently we got a set of dilators for treating vaginismus. It’s not that any of these things haven’t worked, but it’s that they aren’t given the chance to work. She won’t stick with anything for more than a week or two.

She doesn’t have any interest in intercourse. Out of love and concern for me she will start these exercise plans, but it never lasts more than a couple of weeks. Like with the dilators most recently… it started the smallest size was ok but she could take no bigger, then she worked up to the next size… and the next… we were seeing progress. But then just stopped having time for it, stopped remembering to do it, etc.

I don’t think she will ever take the time to finish working up to the proper sizes without either me riding her about it daily, or her getting an interest in intercourse. She is perfectly fine with just going on as we have… I can almost always bring her to orgasm by hand, and she gives me hand jobs and in her mind that is enough.

For my part I tend to pretend to myself that we’re fine. Every few months I breakdown as bottled emotions and frustration come out, usually this ends with her attempting some kind of stretching technique again but then stops and we don’t talk about it again for another 6 months or whatever until I just can’t take it anymore and have another breakdown.

I know most people probably say we need counseling, but we can’t afford that. I think the heart of the issue is she’s never had intercourse so she doesn’t feel like she’s missing something. She’s not the kind of person to really care about trying new things in general. I’m more adventurous and regularly I will push her to try something new and sometimes she loves it, but she wouldn’t go out to try it by herself. It’s just not her personality.

She really cares about me and can see how much it hurts me when we discuss it. The problem is after a week or two I’m back in my shell and not showing it and it’s easy for her to forget. Sometimes I wonder if just refusing any sexual activity until she finishes a dilator set would make sense to show how serious I am about this, but I don’t know. I don’t want it to seem like a punishment to force her to do her exercise “chores” you know?

I’ve tried suggesting she make a daily reminder on her phone to keep her on track, but she never does. It’s like I have to keep her on it every day or it’s not going to happen, and I don’t want it to be that way… I’m not even sure if it would work that way as I know this kind of thing is often more mental than physical.

Any help, ideas, suggestions out there? I don’t know how to help her.

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SeekingChange
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Re: Married over 4 years with no intercourse.

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Dec 21, 2015 12:27 pm

Welcome! Sorry for the reason you are here. :(

Does your wife have any desire for children?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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jokerman
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Re: Married over 4 years with no intercourse.

Postby jokerman » Mon Dec 21, 2015 1:37 pm

shivore wrote:
-At first we thought it was because we couldn’t get the angles right.

- they aren’t given the chance to work. She won’t stick with anything for more than a week or two.

- then just stopped having time for it, stopped remembering to do it, etc.

- in her mind that is enough.

- usually this ends with her attempting some kind of stretching technique again but then stops and we don’t talk about it again for another 6 months or whatever until I just can’t take it anymore and have another breakdown.

- It’s just not her personality.

- it’s easy for her to forget.

- I’ve tried suggesting she make a daily reminder on her phone to keep her on track, but she never does.



It seems she's a champ about rationalizing this situation, or maybe I'm seeing that you are using language that gives her a pass. "It's just not her personality" -- I'm sorry, but sexual intercourse is one of the essential acts of marriage. To the point that you can make a case that your marriage has never been consummated.

I isolated the various excuses and attempts to pretend this major problem is just not that big a deal. "It's just not me . . . I totally forgot about sexual intercourse the last four years" are evidence of something deeply wrong. And she hears your heartache and then does nothing about it.

I can't tell if this is mostly a physical problem that she's avoiding, or if this is a psychological issue. It's seems like a mix of both. While I understand counseling isn't cheap, there has to be some attempt made at getting some help for this. It's already gone on far too long and needs to end, for the health of your marriage.

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Job29Man
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Re: Married over 4 years with no intercourse.

Postby Job29Man » Tue Dec 22, 2015 9:33 am

Shivore,

Those are good words from Jokerman. You may be surprised to hear that we have had several such cases on TMB in the past few years. Maybe someone who is good at searching the archives could find these "failure to consummate marriage" threads and post the links here. I think you would benefit from reading those threads.

Jokerman also pointed out that technically your marriage was never consummated. So .... technically you are still stuck on your Wedding Day, at that awkward "Wedding is over, but the sex hasn't begun yet" phase. That's a great time of every marriage ... and it's exciting when it lasts for only four hours, or mayyyybeeeee four days. But 4 years? Not so great eh? :roll: (Sorry bro') :(

If you want to have a real marriage, you need to get past this point; you need to consummate it and begin having regular, frequent PIV intercourse. It is very understandable for you to reach your limit and "lose it" from time to time. A husband is not expected to be celibate in marriage, period.

This is not really your fault, but friend you do have a responsibility to help your bride (because technically, she is still the bride in the car going to the honeymoon hotel, not yet a wife IMHO... no rabbit trails please... it's just a side comment) through this. This is when you as the groom (not yet a husband, but the "groom" still driving the car to the honeymoon hotel) need to show leadership. Make it your complete responsibility to do 100% of the reminding and coaching to get her through all doctor visits, stretching exercises etc that are needed. Make it YOUR job to see that neither of you go to sleep each night until the action step for that day has been done. (whatever you decide together that action step should be)

This is just my opinion but... IMO your marriage will not survive the long term if you don't have sex. I believe you will wind up divorced eventually if you don't solve this, and the sooner you solve it, the better.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.


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