I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

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IM_a_Farmwife
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I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Sat Jan 30, 2016 9:55 am

Since I have started this crazy schedule of more than 50 hours a week, things have changed. We were used to almost daily sex for the first 27 years of our marriage. We are now down to only weekends. I have expressed my concern about this new pattern since I started working off the farm to Farmer. He has told me he doesn't have the heart to push me with more things to do because I'm so, so tired.

The typical working day starts off early in the morning. I try to make french toast or something for the boys before I leave. I put something on the stove for Farmer's midday meal. I drive a stress-free half hour to work. I live in the country and only drive country roads to work. That part is very enjoyable. Once I'm at work, I work until noon, then I'm off to a different location. I work there until three or so. Then I arrive back to my first location and prep for the evening. I squeeze my lunch somewhere in that time-frame. I work until eight at night, then drive a half hour back to the farm. Then I make supper. By the time my body hits the Lazyboy recliner, I'm beat. I will sometimes fall asleep upright. Farmer wakes me up to go to bed. I have told him that when he leaves me there and goes to bed without me, I feel abandoned.

I have repeatedly told Farmer that I need him physically. I don't care how tired I am, not one iota. My need for him is two-fold. I need him because my love language is primarily physical touch. I am also thinking of Farmer's prostate health. I have read that it's good to have physical release often because it keeps the stuff moving out which then reduces the chance for cancer to take hold in his prostate.

My dad died from prostate cancer. It is a very slow and cruel dead. Basically, the cancer spread to his spine and crushed it in several places. My dad died as a quadriplegic and was in severe pain non-stop until his death. That is nothing I would wish on anybody, let alone Farmer. Farmer's father also developed prostate cancer but did not die from it. Too bad for that (that was whole 'nother can of worms). With all this stuff floating in my head, shouldn't I be concerned about our drop in frequency, hence Farmer not keeping his prostate healthy? He's against mbing. Is it harmful for Farmer to not have sex for five days?

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby Vanna » Sat Jan 30, 2016 10:17 am

Weekly release should be fine. Most instances are related to extreme and extended cases. That said- your own wellbeing and intimacy is taking a hit with this new schedule. How long have you been working this way?
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Sat Jan 30, 2016 10:35 am

I had the increase of hours in November when I got hired, before that, it was only volunteering. My boss puts in more hours than me and she has two young children. She told me that she thrives on it. Me? not so much. In November I was still working weekends in our construction business. That was unsustainable and soon after I was replaced. Can you see me doing the happy dance? :D

My biggest concern is having someone I love get prostate cancer. I would dread that. Thanks for the reassurance, Vanna.

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby Unfulfilled » Sat Jan 30, 2016 12:20 pm

Your quest and reason for work is only financial. I understand debt and desire to get rid of it.

But it sounds to me like the hours you are putting in is doing a far greater damage to your psyche and your marriage and in your spirit of who you are as a person than it is worth.

At least truly look at and evaluate whether all these hours is with the cost to yourself and your marriage.

I cannot answer that question. Only you can.

Offer that question up to God I prayer and listen for His answer. But you might already know that answer as you feel it in your heart already.

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby happilymarriedkate » Sat Jan 30, 2016 12:46 pm

This is very interesting...how old were you when your father died? Has this fear of not providing the release for the prostate been around since his death or prior? This thought seems so anxiety producing and stressful. As though you alone are responsible for whether your husband will die of prostate cancer. The drop in frequency seems reasonable given the circumstances. I can certainly understand missing the closeness. The fear of prostate cancer because of this decrease is what concerns me more.
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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby MayDayGirl » Sat Jan 30, 2016 1:14 pm

Statistics show that the majority of couples 'only' have sex once per week. Making sure your DH eats a low-fat diet is probably going to help him the most, if you are worried about cancer. I think you are putting undue stress on yourself about all of this.

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Sat Jan 30, 2016 6:45 pm

You could say that seeing my dad have to deal with prostate cancer for 15 years affected me. Just trust me, it was torturous seeing him suffer. He died in 2009 and I drove up to visit him almost every day during the last 4 months of his life (3 hours round trip). That was much more draining than what I am doing currently.

Mom and Dad were both very devout Catholics. I asked mom and she could not remember the last time they had sex. It was not on her radar. If they truly followed the old-fashioned ways of the Catholic traditions, then they rarely had sex. What a crying shame. If I can help keep that type of cancer at bay, I will do my best to do so. Yeah, it's been in the back of my mind since we lost an old car buddy to prostate cancer in the early nineties. But seeing the full effects of prostate cancer on my dad was the nail in the coffin, so to speak.

I wasn't worried at all until our frequency dropped to weekends only. I will snuggle next to Farmer before we sleep. For now that will need to fill my desire until the weekend comes.

Unfulfilled, I have been given a chance to do a 180 degree turn in my career path. In fact, the very school that I went to for computer training ended up hiring me. I never left the school. All this work is counting toward my license portfolio. Someone thought that I was good enough to take a chance on. Pinch me. The work I do changes people's lives forever. Talk about having a positive impact on the world! See? It is truly rewarding. I'm told what a good teacher I am...daily from different individuals. I have passion and that's something you can't learn in college. I no longer have my body go through wear and tear in our shop. I'm still dancing about that. If I'm going to work the rest of my life, I might as well do something I enjoy. I believe there is wisdom there.

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby Unfulfilled » Sat Jan 30, 2016 8:30 pm

Where is the statistics or data that report only once a week is normal?

I've read articles that for "happily married" couples it was two to three times a week. Maybe the "extra" 1 to 2 times a week may make the difference between being simply married and happily married. IDK

I'm just unsure what the correct number is. Or even if there is a "correct" number.

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby Leah » Sat Jan 30, 2016 10:06 pm

That's not the real issue here. This is a sexually generous wife who has had a change in routine to help her husband. She has their best interests at heart.
Leah

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby padsnd » Sun Jan 31, 2016 5:50 am

Unfulfilled wrote:Where is the statistics or data that report only once a week is normal?

I've read articles that for "happily married" couples it was two to three times a week. Maybe the "extra" 1 to 2 times a week may make the difference between being simply married and happily married. IDK

I'm just unsure what the correct number is. Or even if there is a "correct" number.


As Leah said, that Isn't the situation here. To answer your question though averages aren't really beneficial anyway each one is unique and, even if one is looking at the average as a gauge of whether this case is way off of it, a median or mode is more useful. In sexuality they often use averages, but consider the following ten couples:

1-2: 3 times per week
3-5: 2 times per week
6: 1 time per week
7: 2 times per month
8: 9 times per year
9: 1 time per year
10: zero

The average above us about 1.2 times per week, but we would call three of those sexless marriages.



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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby ghostrider » Sun Jan 31, 2016 8:33 am

FW, as a guy, my recommendation would be to quit cooking all the meals. You are working full time and then some - and you say you are enjoying that. So cut something else out. Let the DH and boys make themselves fried eggs or cereal and fruit for breakfast and you sleep a little later. And share the dinner duties as well. It doesn't sound like your boys are too young to cook - we've had our middle schoolers making tacos, or grilling steak, hamburgers, etc for multiple dinners each week for the past several years.

I agree that 2x a week is probably enough to keep your DH from getting prostate cancer, but I'm not a Dr (and I did read an study once that said daily is best - though not sure if that's compared to monthly or to something else nearly as frequent.) But regardless, you and he do need the intimacy more often than just weekends. Be creative - and remember it doesn't have to be everyday to be an improvement from what's going on right now. Maybe plan something in your head on your drive home 1 or 2 nights a week - whether that's taking your husband to the bedroom as soon as you walk in the door, or just mentally preparing yourself to stay awake longer that evening.

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby Vanna » Sun Jan 31, 2016 9:23 am

There is a good chance that after several months she'll adjust more physically and emotionally to the rigors of the new schedule and develop more stamina allowing for more intimacy. As we get older, it can take more time to get physically acclimated, it has just been over two months- I figure in another month or so she'll get a little more situated.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby jokerman » Sun Jan 31, 2016 9:34 am

ghostrider wrote:FW, as a guy, my recommendation would be to quit cooking all the meals.



That also jumped out at me. Along the same lines, cook big pots of things like chili on weekends, and the family can heat it up during the week.

Our older kids make their own breakfast each morning.

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby Learning1 » Sun Jan 31, 2016 10:09 am

^^^^
Stood out to me as well. Agree with ghostrider & jokerman on this....Older kids can make their own French Toast. They can fend for themselves for a complete meal or two. Also make a crock pot of something on Sunday and place in zip locks and they can reheat during the week for one or two meals.

Farming Wife is one of the most generous wives on TMB and I think the larger issue is her fear and/or belief that her farmer will die similar like her Dad died and she wants to do everything in her power to prevent that from happening. I do not think that is realistic.

You could have daily sex and your DH could still get prostrate cancer. No one can prevent cancer from happening to another. The best we can do is try to live a healthy live style which includes diet, exercise, encouraging healthy habits and discouraging unhealthy ones.

Farmingwife, you are wearing yourself out and that is not healthy for you, time to delegate more household tasks to the kiddos.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Sun Jan 31, 2016 2:11 pm

I know this is off the main subject (about daily sex...or lack of, and prostate cancer) but I want to address something about the roles in our marriage. For 27 years I did all (and I do mean all) the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and dishes. I worked with Farmer in our shop. I helped doing daily chores with all the animals. And I home-schooled the kiddos. I also stepped up to the plate by taking care of my Fil before he was placed in a lock-down unit. I am not complaining at all. I married a man who shows me Christ-like character daily. I love to serve him. That's what in my heart.

In our marriage now (since November) Farmer has undergone a change in roles. He used to have a 1950's June Cleaver wife, but now has a working woman for a wife. It's not what we agreed upon when we first got married. He wants it back to the way it used to be, very unsustainable financially. I waited for the last kiddo to graduate so the boys would have no changes through their college years. It's taking baby steps. Anything more than that might throw the apples out the cart. I know exactly what I'm doing with my time. I get up a little earlier. It's peaceful. I might throw something in the slow cooker. Dinner is done for the day. It just takes a few minutes more to put something on the stove for his mid-day meal. It's on simmer until noon. I've packed a cooler for me and away I go. If I have nothing for at night, I at least have hamburgers. Easy. Farmer is a low maintenance man. He's even happy with grilled cheese and veggies. I have even left him to fend for himself by cooking his own hamburgers for the noon meal. I still remember the first time he cooked for himself (2015). My last words to him as I headed out the house was, "The pan with the hamburger is in the frig. I hope you cook it up or you might starve today!" Baby steps.

Farmer now does his own laundry. I never asked him to, but he does it on his own. I cringe when I think about him putting soap in the softener dispenser, but, hey, it gets done. He thinks he's helping me out and that's what matters. The boys have done their own laundry since they were about 12 or so. My one son used to pay me to do his laundry because he hated doing that "mindless work". He eventually got over it when I became too expensive. I do laundry on the weekends. I have a dishwasher that is amazing. It will consistently clean all the dishes where they are spotless. I love that. I do pans on the weekend too and sometimes in mid-week.

I have nothing to do with the animals now. I look at them, and that's about it. Farmer grinds feed without me. It's too dark when I get home. It's too dark for me to help bed cattle too. I don't help in our shop anymore either. The shop work was too hard on my body. I didn't want to have physical problems in my fifties, I'm so grateful that I no longer help in these two areas. It's hard work and I'm getting older. My skinny husband runs around like he's still 20. Good for him. I do not miss this type of physical work at all. I have stayed at a size 16 since 2012. I now fit into size 14's (since starting these long hours). I still have a serving of ice-cream daily. It's my only treat.

There...you have it. It's been compromising on both sides. I want the balancing act of keeping the apples in the cart. I love to serve my Farmer. I will take the advice of taking Farmers hand up to bed the minute I get home (or shortly after). That is, after his belly gets full. Farmer is different than most men I've read about on here. Farmer says, "Take care of the belly first, then comes the sex!" I guess that's what happens when you can count on sex daily. And, yes, I will be pushing for daily sex once again. Hogan's Heroes can't be that interesting, can it?

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby InGodsGrace » Sun Jan 31, 2016 2:57 pm

A few things on prostate cancer:

1. There are early warning signs.
2. There are blood tests that can be done.
3. My father was a serial cheater, and still got prostate cancer. It was caught very early, or so he said, but still had radiation therapy and surgery.

My father is a wicked man, (too much to go into here) but I could never wish death, or ill will on him. I've had to forgive him. Selah

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby mamame » Sun Jan 31, 2016 4:01 pm

I understand where you are coming from. We did a 180 after 20+ years too. Except that I still have middle school aged kids at home. DH never wanted me to work at all, much less a demanding job that requires me to be gone 2-3 days at a time. But God's plans don't always match up to what we envision.

I've had to let go of my former "ideal" wife and mother role. Mostly because God showed me that being the right wife and mother for my family meant following Him, not what other people say I "should" be doing.

Cook and Housekeeper are not the same as Wife and Mother. It is very very hard for me to let that go. It's even hard when I realize that my family does just as good a job at those things I did. (It took some time - but it happened)

Make sure that you let go of the things that other people can do, and be intentional about the things only YOU can do. Only I can provide (legitimate) intimacy to my DH. Only I can pray a mother's prayers over my children. I set the emotional tone of my family. My work is much more spiritual than physical now. I put my servants to work for me (dishwasher, crock pot) etc.

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby ghostrider » Mon Feb 01, 2016 12:02 am

^^^ Interesting stuff here. My DW has been a stay at home mom as well, home-schooling until this year when we finally put the younger 2 kids in public school. She has said so many times how it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of her. She is now going back to college (online so far).

What comes next, we aren't sure of. I make a good professional income but my company is going thru some layoffs, and while I'm probably not at risk, I'm still looking for job alternatives. The stress has just gotten too great. And despite the good income, it seems we are just barely getting by due to all the medical issues in our family.
Some days I wish my DW had an income as well, just so I could consider taking a temporary pay cut to change careers to something different, or even to save money to start a full time business. But there are downsides to that as well- especially her stress levels. Its a lot to think about.

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Re: I'm more than a little concerned and I have questions

Postby MrsTom » Mon Feb 01, 2016 12:10 am

Not really on topic, but my first reaction to your boss and her "thriving on it" is that maybe she's just either not a well-balanced person (after all we each only have 24 hours in a day) or that she's pressuring you unduly. I may be way off base but it might be worth consideration.

Very best to you!
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