Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
User avatar
bigloop
Hammock
Posts: 1175
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 7:57 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 20th, 1993
Gender: Male

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby bigloop » Mon Feb 08, 2016 9:36 am

Kilarin wrote: He was saying that the reason we obey God's rules is because they are God's rules, and we should obey them whether we can see and understand the real world consequences or not.


If that was the gist, then I don't disagree. But I also don't think God hands down frivolous edicts. Sometimes they may be just to see if we truly love Him more than ourselves - if we accept Him for who He is. Abraham and Issac being a prime example of such. But even those "tests" have further reaching implications that play in this life as well as the one to come.

User avatar
Nvr2Late
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1488
Joined: Mon Nov 09, 2009 8:23 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 9th, 2013
Gender: Female
Location: Midwest

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby Nvr2Late » Mon Feb 08, 2016 10:38 am

Job29Man wrote:So, are there other Christians here who were promiscuous before marriage and had hot sex then got married and had enduring sexual pleasure without years of disconnect?

I want to clarify your question before I answer. Do you mean "hot sex" with each other, and then marriage? Promiscuity seems to refer to multiple partners rather than premarital sex with your "intended".
___________________________________________________________________________
How we handle our spouse's shortcomings reveals more about our own character than theirs. * I’ve already told you more than I know.

ghostrider
King bed
Posts: 440
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 12:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 30th, 2000
Gender: Male

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby ghostrider » Mon Feb 08, 2016 11:18 am

My question would be, when couples have sex before marriage, how much of later sex troubles within marriage or lack of troubles, is related to "cultural guilt"? If they were raised in a conservative home where having sex before marriage was the unpardonable sin, couldn't there be a lot more man-made guilt than if they were raised in a non-christian (or slightly hippyish) home? If saved later, would the couple raised as non-Christians maybe accept Christ's forgiveness and heal and have great married sex more easily than a couple that was already saved when they sinned?

I've heard examples of this anecdoteally, but I have no idea how common this pattern is.

User avatar
poetess
Under the stars
Posts: 3045
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby poetess » Mon Feb 08, 2016 1:06 pm

But I also don't think God hands down frivolous edicts.

Bigloop, "frivolous" is the wrong word. However . . . when God told Adam and Even not to eat from that one tree in the garden, is that because there was something bad about that one tree? Disobeying God had consequences, but we have no reason to believe that one tree was worse as a tree than the others. It was off limits because God said it was off limits. There were consequences to the disobedience because it was disobedience (they knew they had sinned, and they felt guilt) and because God chose for there to be consequences (sin was now unleashed on the world, death would now be part of life, they were banished from the garden, and they died spiritually . . . and each of these consequences brought consequences of their own that they never imagined).

However, God does tell us many of the reasons for sexual purity. One is simply that children need to have parents they can count on, and sexual sin brings with it the possibility of a child's conception. But marriage is a picture of Christ and the church, and sex to someone who is not yours reflects idolatry, not true worship.

Truth is, it truly doesn't "matter" whether you can think of a single consequence to sin. Even if you never get caught, never get punished (even punished by God), and even if all of the results are good ones, sin is still an assault on the holiness of God.

When our focus is on the consequences to people, that is a human-centered view of sin. Yet sin is an offense against God, and we ought to see it as a God-centered offense. So, yes, we can talk about whether sexual sin hurts marriages. But even if surveys come back "proving" what the unbelieving world tends to believe, that people with multiple sexual partners before marriage are better prepared for marriage, we must stand on the only thing that ultimately matters: God said no, and this sin is an offense against Him.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

ledgemoor
Under the stars
Posts: 2991
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:31 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 3rd, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby ledgemoor » Mon Feb 08, 2016 3:29 pm

I like your comparison Poetess. Fruit trees aren't bad and sex isn't bad and worship isn't bad (expanding here a bit) per se, but worshiping someone or something other than God, eating from a tree God said not to eat from, or having sex with someone God said not to is rebellion. Nothing arbitrary or minor about this at all, even though it was just an apple.

-----

I would like to flip the question "does premarital sex harm a marriage?" around. I ask instead "does abstaining from premarital sex help marriage?" I think I can easily show that it does, by asking this simple question:

Is there anyone who is in a good marriage with a good sex life, who wishes they had engaged in more premarital sex?

I'm guessing not.

If that's the case, then people must believe that not having had premarital sex or not having had more premarital sex than they did is beneficial in some way.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

ghostrider
King bed
Posts: 440
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 12:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 30th, 2000
Gender: Male

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby ghostrider » Mon Feb 08, 2016 3:45 pm

I think I commented on this a few posts above. And while we don't wish we had actually had sex, my DW and I do kinda regret not being more romantic in other ways before marriage.

User avatar
jokerman
Under the stars
Posts: 3969
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2006 12:26 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 15th, 1987
Gender: Male

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby jokerman » Mon Feb 08, 2016 3:53 pm

I think marriage is made from a lot more elements than sex, so either question is ultimately beside the point. If we're asking "what will ruin a marriage?", good grief, the possibilities are endless.

DW and I were both virgins when we got married 28 years ago but all that does is inoculate us from a small set of problems related to jealousies or comparisons and whatnot. But it's not like our sexual abstinence helps us be better communicators, build empathy, hold our tongues or fill us with never-ending love more than someone else. That's why I really hesitate to prescribe it as some kind of elixir for the entire spectrum of relational challenges. I sure wish it counted for more, but it doesn't.

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5165
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Feb 08, 2016 3:55 pm

ledgemoor wrote:Is there anyone who is in a good marriage with a good sex life, who wishes they had engaged in more premarital sex?

I think we have to be careful... the lust of our flesh is great, and some times our spirit is willing but our flesh is weak. I have had a very unfaithful heart in our marriage. In spirit, I know this is a "no", it's not something I really want, and I know there is a great blessing in being obedient to the Lord.... but I have had whispers of.... don't you wish you would have "lived" more? Don't you wish you would know what (who) else is out there? Wouldn't it be nice to be desired by another? And then I read of the pain in other's testimonies of what "things" were like with another, and how it's affecting their marriage or their own peace of mind, and I am reminded why God set up sex and marriage the way He did. And why we need to keep crucifying our flesh.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

ghostrider
King bed
Posts: 440
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 12:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 30th, 2000
Gender: Male

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby ghostrider » Mon Feb 08, 2016 9:02 pm

Good point SC. I've felt exactly this way myself at times before. But its just a temptation to wish to have had that experience before I met my wife, not something I truly desire.

But to clarify, what I said above just pertained to DW and I together. We have regrets over how our dating/engagement went down (it wasn't very fun) and as our kids enter dating ages, its something we are discussing in how we should guide them. For example, our first kiss wasn't until my proposal. She has always felt that it was a letdown because neither of us had any practice and it wasn't a very good kiss. So one regret is that we didn't have a serious BF or GF before each other with whom to learn to kiss.

I know that's not really about pre-marital sex and may have nothing to do with the OP, but its just something we are working thru as the whole "stay as far away as you can from the Line so you don't accidentally cross it" approach before marriage didn't turn out as well for us as we were told.

User avatar
txtwindad
Under the stars
Posts: 4078
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:29 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 13th, 1983
Gender: Male

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby txtwindad » Mon Feb 08, 2016 9:33 pm

Kilarin wrote:
bigloop wrote:the whole of your post would almost make one believe you don't think God had a reason for keeping oneself celibate until marriage. It sounds like you almost prescribe to a "it doesn't matter" attitude. I don't think you mean that. I would hope not.

I didn't read it that way at all. He was saying that the reason we obey God's rules is because they are God's rules, and we should obey them whether we can see and understand the real world consequences or not.

I still think discussing the real world consequences can be very helpful, but I completely agree with txtwindad on the root of obedience.


Yep. I don't know how you got there at all, Bigloop.

God can use us and bless us despite our past sinfulness. Some of his biggest blessings fall on people who were very disobedient earlier in their lives. Not because they were disobedient, of course. The story of the prodigal son would be a non sexual illustration of this. Unfortunately many Christians behave like the son that stayed home and simply cannot believe that the father would choose to dole out his blessings on the wayward son.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

User avatar
IM_a_Farmwife
King bed
Posts: 684
Joined: Tue Dec 17, 2013 1:03 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 24th, 1988
Gender: Female
Location: We live in the wide open spaces of the beautiful Minnesota River Valley.

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Mon Feb 08, 2016 10:30 pm

Part of my experience of becoming saved is the amazing grace extended to me from the Lord, despite my lack of being on the straight and narrow path. He really did meet me where I was at. The overwhelming love I felt in that moment in time still blows me away. I still feel it daily. Nobody is going to put condemnation on me for the stuff that is in the past. Sin is still sin. What is forgiven, is forgiven. Period. Having my slate wiped clean? I accepted the invitation gladly. Christ died for my sins and yours too. Call it being very naive, but I grasped the truth that God forgives, especially if there is a repentant heart. The life I lead looks so much different than my BC days.

Put my vote toward being 100% forgiven of my sins brought to the cross. My love for Christ is the reason I try to stay on the straight and narrow (obedience). Grace is the added gift from God. Marriage ruined later? Nope. That would be like saying, "Christ died for your sins, all your sins except premarital sexual sins." I don't buy that for a minute.

User avatar
bigloop
Hammock
Posts: 1175
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 7:57 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 20th, 1993
Gender: Male

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby bigloop » Tue Feb 09, 2016 7:34 am

Me to my son: "God has reasons for what He directs us to do. There is a reason He says do not engage in sexual activity before marriage. There is pain and anguish and obstacles He would save you from. It is not that He wants you to miss out on a bunch of fun. It is not because He wants to minimize your future sex life with your future wife. It is because He wants you to "know" only one wife - just as He wants to know only one God. He designed us, He designed sex. He designed the purposes of sex and the ramifications of it. He knows sex attaches your spirit to the one you engage with. He designed "one flesh" and understand the deep emotional, spiritual power it has. He wants you to be firmly attached to the one wife of your youth till death do you part with the total adhesion He designed. Trust His way. Think about duct tape. Stick to something and it adheres well. Pull it off one thing and re-stick it another- does it adhere as well? Do it a third, fourth time, what happens? Believe me son, pre-marital sex has consequences. God and I would have you avoid them and rather have you enjoy the way He designed sex to be fulfilling and beautiful in a Godly marriage. It's great! Trust God with it."

I have lived both the consequences of premarital sex and post marital sin as well as the victory of redemption and rebuilding. I would rather my children avoid the first two. I believe God would as well. If he fails as I and his mother did, then I will have a different talk with him.

His good friend and teammate for many years just quit baseball in his senior year - why? Because his girlfriend is pregnant. It is good that he recognizes his responsibility. But it could have been avoided. I told my son to "learn from others mistakes. Don't trade the ability to chose your path of the rest of his life for what amounts to a few moments of stolen, sinful pleasure."

Would "don't have sex before marriage because God said so" be as impactful? I don't think so.

doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1256
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby doug-h » Tue Feb 09, 2016 7:57 am

IM_a_Farmwife wrote:Put my vote toward being 100% forgiven of my sins brought to the cross. My love for Christ is the reason I try to stay on the straight and narrow (obedience). Grace is the added gift from God. Marriage ruined later? Nope. That would be like saying, "Christ died for your sins, all your sins except premarital sexual sins." I don't buy that for a minute.


While I absolutely love what you penned here, and I know that it is exactly as Christ would have it, we bring our own imperfections into the mix. While I am certain that he doesn't punish us for transgressions that are forgiven, we ourselves can punish ourselves. An awsome marriage and sex life is in fact possible, and I know that is his desire, but the fact is that we may prevent it from happening all by ourselves, and any number of other factors can play into it besides pre-maritial sex.

The world is a broken place, and we often don't receive the gifts laid out for us. Sometimes we are undone by our own actions, but sometimes it takes nothing more than an echo or a shadow from the past, that we had no part in. Most often, it is probably a combination.

User avatar
poetess
Under the stars
Posts: 3045
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby poetess » Tue Feb 09, 2016 8:07 am

Would "don't have sex before marriage because God said so" be as impactful? I don't think so.


Then maybe what is missing is a good view of God!

Here's Psalm 73:2-5 (NASB):

But as for me, my feet came close to stumbling,
My steps had almost slipped.
For I was envious of the arrogant
As I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
For there are no pains in their death,
And their body is fat.
They are not in trouble as other men,
Nor are they plagued like mankind.

His experience was from the other side: "Being a believer in Yahweh doesn't seem to have made my life better. In fact, my life seems to be worse." We don't love God for "what we can get out of it." We don't obey Him because "it works"; we obey Him because He is our Creator and our Savior and He has the right to tell us what to do; out of gratitude to Him, we choose to obey Him--even if it leads to suffering, to what seem to be bad consequences of obedience, to persecution. (Paul in 1 Cor. 15:19 said, "If we have hoped in Christ in this life only, we are of all men most to be pitied." Because we really can't expect our lives to be "better" by human standards!)

For me personally "God said it" was the only relevant factor. I wanted children, and it was actually hard not to be jealous of those who bore them out of wedlock. I knew that single mothers didn't have an easy life, but that didn't keep me from longing for children of my own. But what stilled my heart was knowing that God knew best--and with that, I could be content with my lot in life, even if it didn't include a man choosing me, even if it didn't include sexual pleasure, even if it didn't include children. And the fact that I obeyed God on this matter means I never will bear my own children--but He is God, He is good, and Romans 8:28 is still true. My husband and I knew we were getting married, and there was zero chance of pregnancy if we had engaged in sexual sin--what kept us from it was simply that God has the authority to say no, and He has said no.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

User avatar
txtwindad
Under the stars
Posts: 4078
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:29 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 13th, 1983
Gender: Male

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby txtwindad » Tue Feb 09, 2016 8:08 am

There are a lot of people on this forum that you are referring to as used duct tape. Where is the grace of God? To me that is just another version of the old spitting in a cup analogy.

Pieces of used duct tape here can stick just fine thanks to the grace of God.

Telling a child that the wash of bonding chemicals makes it unwise to engage in premarital sex makes sense. Comparing them to duct tape does not, IMO.

And frankly I doubt the science is going to bear any of this out in the long run. Yes there is a biological bonding in sex, but it fades unless it is renewed often. And it can be replaced by new bonding. That is what I observe and I suspect the science will bear it out.

Moving away from premarital sex, what about widows and widowers remarrying after decades of sexual bonding. Your duct tape analogy would indicate they had lost their stickiness and that is simply not the case.

And why oh why would we think that a man made analogy is more impactful than God's word.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

User avatar
Drob
King bed
Posts: 254
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2015 4:49 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): March 30th, 1991
Gender: Male
Location: Florida

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby Drob » Tue Feb 09, 2016 8:39 am

If Psalms 103:12 is correct and our sins are removed as far as the east is from the west, then the issue is not the sin, it's gone in God's eyes, the problem is us. Either we use this as a crutch to blame something else for our problems and not deal with the real issues or we can't forgive ourselves and live in guilt. I realize there are some consequences to our sin but really do we dwell on other sins the same way? We are called to live free from the burden of sin not in the shadows of it. If we are having problems in the bedroom let's deal with them truthfully and not lay undo guilt on us too. Just my 2 cents.

Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk

User avatar
txtwindad
Under the stars
Posts: 4078
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:29 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 13th, 1983
Gender: Male

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby txtwindad » Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:20 am

^^^ Right to the point. Well said.

If you waited until marriage, well done. That honored God and really was the best for you. But you are no more pure than someone who did not wait. Our purity comes not from our actions but from God's grace. We are all so far from pure sexually or otherwise that we deserve nothing (even if you kept tab A out of slot B until the wedding). Thankfully, God forgives and offers us healing. Earthly consequences may or may not remain. That may seem unfair, but thankfully God doesn't treat us fairly. If he did we would all be separated from him forever.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5165
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Feb 09, 2016 9:52 am

I believe sometimes what people are missing is the recognition and acknowledgment of their sin. Isn't it true that we need to know we are sinners before we can actually see our need for a Savior and forgiveness?

I believe those who realized they sinned, repented and received forgiveness .... there's absolutely no reason for them not to be fully blessed in their marriage and marriage beds. What I see in some, is no acknowledgment of their sin, even going as far as boasting in it, "We did this, I am glad I did and I wouldn't change it." That shows their lack of fear of the Lord, that shows a lack of brokenness and repentance and therefore, is forgiveness really there and can there really be blessings and healing? When we have pride, we automatically set ourselves in opposition to God because He opposes the proud.

It's not so much about the sin, because we are all sinners...but where do we go from that sin...do we run to the Father in repentance and receive His mercy, grace and forgiveness? Or, do we become proud, justifying ourselves, hardening our hearts therefore in opposition to God?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

User avatar
padsnd
Under the stars
Posts: 4071
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2005 12:15 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 1st, 2004
Gender: Male
Location: USA

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby padsnd » Tue Feb 09, 2016 7:45 pm

bigloop wrote:Would "don't have sex before marriage because God said so" be as impactful? I don't think so.


Perhaps not, but what will you tell your son if he does all that and ends up in a relationship with serious struggles? We have individuals on TMB that didn't engage in premarital sex who still had a ton of pain and anguish.

We obey because we believe he wants the best for us and that, regardless of whether we see it, obedience is the best for us. We don't obey because we are told what the punishment is for disobedience and are given a potentially empty promise that the alternative will be perfect.


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk
padsnd

User avatar
Hiswifeagain
Under the stars
Posts: 3711
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:57 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 30th, 1984
Gender: Female
Location: The land of 10,000 lakes and road construction projects

Re: Sexually Indulgent Now, Marriage Ruined Later?

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Feb 09, 2016 8:50 pm

I really like your post, Txtwindad :)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3


Return to “Other Sexual Changes, Challenges & Difficulties”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users