How do I make arousal go away without masturbating!?

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mrsluvmyhub
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How do I make arousal go away without masturbating!?

Postby mrsluvmyhub » Thu Mar 17, 2016 6:12 pm

I don't want hubby to masturbate alone as that hurts my feelings and I've told him this. I am always available for him when he's home. (No longer than 12hrs away from each other.) And I think it is unfair for him not to be able to do it if I am still going to do it. So I don't want to masturbate/orgasm when he's not around. Problem is that sometimes I get aroused. Thankfully it doesn't happen too often.

But how can I make that feeling go away without masturbating to orgasm? The feeling is very distracting!

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Drob
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Re: How do I make arousal go away without masturbating!?

Postby Drob » Thu Mar 17, 2016 7:06 pm

Since no one else chimed in I'll share my experience. The feelings never go away you distract or divert them until you're together again. I have to go do something physical like mow the grass or build something, night time is the worst time. Watching a scary or funny movie sometimes helps.
Why are you against MB? How does it affect your desire for your spouse? My DW feels the same as you but she can't or won't articulate why.

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seeking perspective
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Re: How do I make arousal go away without masturbating!?

Postby seeking perspective » Thu Mar 17, 2016 7:16 pm

How does your husband feel about you masturbating when he is away? The "rule" in our marriage is that masturbation is okay as long as it doesn't take away anything from our shared sexual experiences. Now that my husband is older, it takes him longer to "recharge" after ejaculation--so masturbation would negatively affect what we can do together. I, on the other hand, find that more frequent orgasm increases my interest in sex with my husband--so masturbation is okay for me. Being fair doesn't mean you both do things the same way--but it is something you should discuss and agree on together.
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Vanna
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Re: How do I make arousal go away without masturbating!?

Postby Vanna » Thu Mar 17, 2016 10:48 pm

I agree with Seeking.

If for some reason there isn't time or circumstance to indulge, normally just getting busy with a distraction will work, unless I'm really aroused and uncomfortable, which only happens in certain swings of my cycle- a cool, wet washcloth for a couple minutes can help. A cup of ice between you legs can be nice if you are driving.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

mrsluvmyhub
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Re: How do I make arousal go away without masturbating!?

Postby mrsluvmyhub » Fri Mar 18, 2016 12:44 am

I'm not totally against masterbation. I think it may be okay in certain circumstances. I'm against my hubby doing it because he was a porn user for the first half of our marriage AND his desired sexual frequency is way too low for us to remain connected in our relationship. My own sex drive is non existent if I'm not doing it at least every 3 days. I need to do it regularly to maintain interest. (I think it may be due to breastfeeding hormones or just being female or just being me.) But I always have done it when hubby is interested even if I'm not interested. I never say "No". 99% of the time I get into it and hubby is very generous these days. During the porn years he was very selfish during sex.

If hubby wants a super quickie he can do it with me right there, encouraging. That builds the relationship sharing that. But him doing it alone at best doesn't improve our relationship and at worst harms it. I wouldn't trust him to keep his thoughts in the right place (due to past porn use.) I don't want to miss out on sex because he's already sorted himself.

I will have to ask hubby how he feels. But if I took care of myself during the day I probably wouldn't initiate sex during the evening. But then again it could help to maintain my sex drive like Seeking says.

Thanks for the cold wet flannel tip Vanna. I will try it.

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Re: How do I make arousal go away without masturbating!?

Postby OldBear » Mon Mar 21, 2016 1:39 pm

mrsluvmyhub wrote:I'm not totally against masterbation.

. . .

If hubby wants a super quickie he can do it with me right there, encouraging. That builds the relationship sharing that. But him doing it alone at best doesn't improve our relationship and at worst harms it. I wouldn't trust him to keep his thoughts in the right place (due to past porn use.) I don't want to miss out on sex because he's already sorted himself.

I will have to ask hubby how he feels. But if I took care of myself during the day I probably wouldn't initiate sex during the evening. But then again it could help to maintain my sex drive like Seeking says.

Thanks for the cold wet flannel tip Vanna. I will try it.


Any update after you talked with your DH?

Your statements, above, all point to a high likelihood to reach 'mutual agreement' on how to handle masturbation in your marriage. It sounds like you are generous to him if he is aroused and needs quick relief with you fully enjoying and encouraging his masturbation. The two hurdles are either one of you not being available because of self relief and your concern (hurtfulness) due his use of porn in the past.

On the availability issue, come to agreement that if either of you know that making love is imminent within a few hours, then you'll agree to hold off. That may be/can be difficult, but it can also be fun to let the anticipation ebb and flow during those few hours. Use coded text messages, as one idea, to let the other person know you're in a state of increasing arousal.

On the issue of solo masturbation and thoughts - regardless of masturbating together or solo, pure, honoring imagery and fantasy of the other spouse (only) is important. In our marriage, we are very comfortable with mutual masturbation and solo masturbation. In fact, we encourage each other to enjoy solo masturbation as we think about each other. Never has masturbation made us unavailable for each other - we make certain of that by being aware of time and distance and our personal re-charge clocks. Most interesting, as the years have passed, the creative imagery of Mrs. Oldbear while I masturbate has enhanced my performance in the marriage bed. I tell her so, and that adds encouragement for her.

When solo masturbation is mindful of the other spouse (the only way it ought to be done) it can be a celebrated and enriching act of intimacy in a marriage. It requires full trust and release to enjoy knowing of their spouse's pleasure through the act of masturbation. Communication and agreement is essential. Let us know if you have made headway in sorting out your mutual agreement and comfort with solo masturbation.


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