We're Broken ~ Need Advice

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
JSJoplin
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Re: We're Broken ~ Need Advice

Postby JSJoplin » Tue May 10, 2016 8:43 pm

Vanna wrote:If she gets pregnant, you are looking at 40 weeks of no sex because she will not want anything to remotely jeopardize the pregnancy, then you are looking at about 8 more weeks postpartum where sex will be off the table.


Sounds much like when she was pregnant with the child she miscarried. Just about 10 less weeks total. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Vanna wrote:You are having trouble dealing with underwear shopping, and she's not even pregnant yet.


Really? I'm having "trouble dealing with underwear shopping?" LOL I've been "dealing" with this nonsense for as long as we've been together. This didn't just suddenly happen on Sunday and I had a bad day as a result. I came here because I hit a wall last week...and because I wanted to deal with it with her, and the idea of walking through this mine-field, AGAIN, is about as appealing as talking about her fertility ad nauseam. And my hope was I'd find people here that had walked in similar scenarios and would have insight. And so far, advice has been pretty split and hyper focused on the fertility issue...which while it IS an issue, isn't THE issue that got us where we are today.

Vanna wrote:How are you going to do 18 years of erratic sex so your child doesn't grow up in a broken home?


Probably the same way I've dealt with the last 22 with her. As best I can. Strikes and gutters. Ups/downs.

Vanna wrote:Pause and really consider the path your marriage is on. Now project it forward twenty years. If you can't deal with her selfish underwear shopping at this point, the triggers only tend to get worse as time goes on. How long before constant pain leads to anger and resentment? Or depression?


Again...why I came here.

Vanna wrote:You both need to face this before another life is impacted by this down the road.


Here's what I don't get about this statement, or the statements about taking trying for a baby off the table. Throughout this board, there are stories littered with successes and failures. But one thing rings very true throughout them: None of them happened overnight. Not one single "awakening" or change of heart just went "boom" and then everyone hit the sheets. This could take months. This could take years. I have zero idea. But what I do know is that my wife is almost 39, and has already miscarried once in the last 2 years. If I ask an almost 39 year old woman, (that I very much want to grow old with regardless of our issues,) that she has to wait while we work on our intimacy...it will break her heart and she will push me further away. It will only make things worse...and if she never gets pregnant, she'll blame me for stopping it while we worked on our marriage and taking those months/years away from her. And that makes no sense to me. If she were abusive or unstable, then yes, I'd put a stop to it. But she's a lot like countless other men and women on these boards that have faced terrible childhoods, sexual abuse, personal moral failings, and either on purpose or inadvertently, grew into wives and husbands that refuse or struggle to be intimate with their mates. And yes, she does stuff sometimes that drives me bat- ::xx crazy...but I think she's worth fighting for. And I think she's worth extending grace in all this while continuing to try and have a baby while we work this out. And honestly, if I put it in the context with her that if we don't get this fixed it's going to screw up our possible children, THAT will be a far greater motivator than me just pulling it off the table.

Look...I think this thread has outlived it's usefulness. I have a pretty firm idea how I'm going to proceed from here. Regardless of whether I agreed with everyone or not, I sincerely appreciate the thought and time that people took to respond. Thank you

JJ

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Vanna
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Re: We're Broken ~ Need Advice

Postby Vanna » Tue May 10, 2016 10:19 pm

Jsj- it was not my intent to irritate you, I just see you struggling with this and already you are feeling beaten down by the small reminders that intimacy isn't healthy. It concerns me because once you bring a child into that, it gets way more complicated to repair.

You wanted experience- there it is. I'm not trying to be insensitive or mean, but you've been working on this for 22 years, plus abuse, porn, infidelity, and child loss. You state that she is happy as things are, how when you try to talk about this it becomes your problem, and however well meaning she is, not much changes.

If you reread my last post, I'm not saying take baby off the schedule, I recommended it initially, but it's clear where you stand on that. I won't press that point. I am saying, that however long you have before pregnancy happens, this is the best window you have for resolution before another life is affected.

Again- it's not to offend. Marriage is the toughest journey we face sometimes, and it is very easy to want to be the nice person but do more damage by glossing over the challenges and finding kind rationalizations a for why we don't want to rock the boat.

I apologize if my wording sometimes comes across hard. I'm not good at cushioning things. My hope is that you both work through the issues, repair your intimacy, and have a wonderful and healing pregnancy together. With that- I will bow out of this thread so others can continue to give you insight and support.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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2pack
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Re: We're Broken ~ Need Advice

Postby 2pack » Wed May 11, 2016 6:25 am

JSJoplin wrote:Poetess and Bunny ~ I want to sincerely thank you for sharing your stories with me, and for the support.

Some people come here for help and answers and some come for a pillow and a hug. Both are fine. Poetess and FLB gave you a pillow and a hug. It sounded nice and there is a little merit but it isn't reality. Vanna is being honest and nice. Maybe a little too nice. I'm not saying this to be mean - I am on your side, I'm just a realist. The issues you are having are magnified when (and if) children come. It is HARD work and not a time to be working on massive relationship issues. There are whole new layers of give and take and potential to disagree and be frustrated with each other. And sex? If you think you are low on the totem pole now, you may just find you didn't realize how high up you were. Motherhood takes up an incredible amount of emotional and physical energy especially in that first year. I have four children, Vanna has like 600 :lol: . Right now is the time to be working on the relational issues.
I'm going to back to HWA's post. She is right on those things and I can attest to it. I've been through it. When I came here 3 years ago my wife and I were completely sideways sexually. I took what I learned here, put on my pants and lovingly confronted the issue and didn't let it go. It was a storm, almost a mega storm and it took us about two years to work our way through it a little a time but it had to happen but it landed us where we are today.

Vanna wrote:If you reread my last post, I'm not saying take baby off the schedule, I recommended it initially, but it's clear where you stand on that. I won't press that point. I am saying, that however long you have before pregnancy happens, this is the best window you have for resolution before another life is affected.

Again- it's not to offend. Marriage is the toughest journey we face sometimes, and it is very easy to want to be the nice person but do more damage by glossing over the challenges and finding kind rationalizations a for why we don't want to rock the boat.


These were wise words right there...and reality.
I'm a moth flyin' into the light of it's doom - You wrap me up in your love cocoon...

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FoxluvsBunnyDFC
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Re: We're Broken ~ Need Advice

Postby FoxluvsBunnyDFC » Wed May 11, 2016 8:23 am

I guess maybe i'm overlooking something. I am a 20 something married only a year who would love so much to have kids in the next year or 2, so maybe i would take some advice from those like Vanna and 2pack who have actually lived with kids and have experienced the affect of babies on marriage and marital intimacy. A few more thoughts for you.

1. If you do wait in order to work on your marital issues, you might be in your mid 40s and it might not be a possibility any more. Babies are something that has a definite time window.

2. One thing that jumps out at me is that it sounds your wife might not be even aware of your concerns. From what you described she thinks things are good and seemed to think the mall trip went great as you were very upset inside (given she was "beaming about her purchases". Sometimes you might need to be more direct. We went through a time where we were greatly hurting each other continuously, and I didn't even know how some of my actions and attitudes were hurting my husband; i thought things were fine until we had a breakdown. He never said anything about the hurt until one day when he told me how unhappy he was after about 6 months of marriage (and this was a dark time where the few weeks before that he was confessing major things like porn addiction and some other serious stuff to me). We have since both worked on personal issues since then to this break down, but I honestly didn't know before we spoke how I was hurting him so much and had been since before we were married (and i never told him how he had hurt me; we just didn't talk about stuff). Make sure she knows or else she can't work to change them!! You have been married 15 years. You probably have somewhat of an idea of how to speak to her heart by now more than we do. Maybe write her a letter, don't dump all at once; just tailor to how she communicates and make sure she gets the message. Maybe she will have a softened heart and will want to work on things. I know during this dark time this winter, my husband not only confessed some very upsetting things he did during our marriage, but he shared how unhappy he was in our marriage and wrote me a 3 page letter about how he was unhappy. It felt like too much and like someone stuck a knife in my heart... yet he hurt me too. we just weren't communicating. I wrote him a letter the next day and he was surprised and saddened at how he had hurt me. We both had softened hearts about the situation and really wanted to start from scratch at building some kind of foundation since our relationship that was falling apart was kinda like a flimsy house built out of cardboard based; a pretty house of cardboard with no communication, with deception on both ends (we realized as we sat there crying wondering if we had made a mistake; and if we wanted to this to work we kinda had to rebuild alot of things). We both started really working on ourselves and on our communication and that week was a turning point. Make sure you work to open the communication and communicate your heart honestly. maybe she is blind to how she is hurting you. Maybe (not to sound mean) you are blind to how your past (and maybe even present) actions and attitudes have hurt her!! Sounds like you guys have to break down these walls and be really honest with each other and then work to heal with soft hearts; hopefully she will be in that place. This is just my story. I'm sharing to see if it strikes a chord w/ you.

Bunny
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Just a Bunny learning everyday what it means to Love and Live Harmoniously with a Fox

But if you tame me then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world.~TLP

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IM_a_Farmwife
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Re: We're Broken ~ Need Advice

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Wed May 11, 2016 7:11 pm

I agree about the season with young children. When we had babies in diapers and nursing, our marriage was challenged to the Nth degree. I knew that we had a great marriage but putting young kiddos in the mix sent us in a tailspin. I was so, so tired. Even though I've always been a sex positive spouse, I was not prepared to be so exhausted, wiped, completely wiped out. Guess who fell asleep once during love-making during those baby years? Yeah, you guessed right, it was me, sex positive me. I apologized after it happened and I made sure it never happened again. Can you imagine if I was not okay with almost daily sex? What would happen then? So, yes, babies keep moms up all night and all day. The babies cry louder than husbands. Guess who wins out every time? It's usually not the husband.

In my opinion, babies put marriages through the fire and if you come out of it unscathed consider yourself blessed.


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