question for the men

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
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question for the men

Postby groovee_chic70 » Sun May 22, 2016 10:29 pm

Hello husbands afar

I need some advice

I was married about 6 months ago as a virgin, my husband had had previous partners. He has been very good and patient with me as we had some sexual issues the first few months due to pain..that has settled down thank fully...

however I am unsure how to best approach this delicate issue...
how did i tell my husband nicely so he won't get offended when something is not pleasing me sexually?

He has expressed several times he feels like he 'doesn't know how to please me'..I think partly this is because - I'm still learning myself what I like/don't like and..yes being a woman it changes regularly..

sometimes I am happy to give OS but don't want it in return, or sometimes he can be doing HJ on me and I've had enough, or maybe its just not feeling great or going to lead anywhere because of my hormones(sometimes PMS means I just can't O), but I am happy and content to have IC regularly.

He is very sensitive to pleasing me, and I know sometimes sex is GREAT and other times is 'just sex' but still nice to share. But I want to be able to tell him whats working or not but I don't know how without offending i do it in the moment? (which will probably kill things) or wait till a non sexual time? do I just carry on and not say anything ?

Sometimes if we try something new which maybe wasn't great for me but great for him, he'll ask me if I enjoyed it..I don't want to lie to him..but telling the truth means he loses his enjoyment and often I'm quite happy to go along with things. Is it bad to not be totally honest?

I would like your thoughts on how I can be sensitive to this issue ???

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Re: question for the men

Postby Vanna » Mon May 23, 2016 4:17 am

Congratulations on your marriage. :) I'm not a guy, but here's my experience in case it's helpful.

I'd set aside some time to have a heart to heart and share what you just shared in your post. The things you mention are normal issues in intimacy, the real trick to relational intimacy is learning to be gentle, open, and honest together without fear. That comes with taking the plunge and sharing your fears and concerns. It gets easier each time, and you'll both be very glad you persevered through any early awkwardness.

If what hubby is doing isn't working, I move his hands to another spot for a bit- like breasts or backside, or I change positions to one where he is busy some other way... Or you can shift focus onto him instead- tell him to lay back, and then take over with oral or manual or woman on top- whatever you feel like.

As for new things that don't do it for you, if it's something you really don't care for, be honest that it's not working for you. If it hurts, tell him right away that it's not comfortable- he wants to know. If it's just a "take it or leave it" preference you have, just tell him you'd really like x, y, or z better.

Beyond building honest transparency in intimate communication- I find positive reinforcement goes a long way to helping him figure out what are things that get me going.

I make sure I let him know in the moment what I'm really enjoying, with my sounds, words, and responses. I also let him know afterward, during snuggle time, "Wow, that position was amazing... Or, "I loved how your mouth felt when..." If it's something I'd really like to do again, I mention in a text or whisper in his ear when he gets home from work that I've been thinking about how hot x,y,z was and how much I'd like to drag him to the bedroom and do that again.

If my anatomy is being squirrelly and I'm having a hard time getting there- I let him know early into it that my hormones are being difficult. That way he knows it may take longer, or it may not happen for me, but it's not his fault- it's just biology. (Now that perimenopause has begun, my hormones are unpredictable, so he totally understands some days will be a bit off for me. His understanding helps me relax and eventually I do typically manage to o anyway. Pregnancy was like that too, and the days right after my cycle could be finicky too.)

Be sure to also think to ask him how the new position or technique you tried worked for him- whether he thought it was the cats meow, or whether there is something he likes more. That way the feedback flows both ways, and you also show him that you are open to his honesty and won't be offended because your goal is to make the experience amazing for him.

Building a foundation of caring honesty and openness really helps smooth the way for a really enjoyable intimacy. :)
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: question for the men

Postby OldBear » Mon May 23, 2016 6:11 am

^^^^^ very well stated advice by Vanna, with little to add from a DH perspective.

I'll underscore the suggestion to provide gentle, unspoken guidance, during LMing by directing your DH away from and/or to foreplay, positions, etc. that don't work/do work for you. Also, continue to keep your 'open minded attitude' as you indicated you are more than willing to do. You are correct that what may not be pleasurable or exciting, today, may become so in the future as you continue to explore and enjoy each other and become more comfortable with experimentation.

Enjoy the journey!

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Re: question for the men

Postby 2pack » Mon May 23, 2016 7:34 am

For a looooooooong time I had the assumption that my wife's sexuality was just like mine. Touch this, that feels good, touch that, that almost always feels good...
It took me a long time to realize that she didn't work like that. She was more like, touch this, that feels good even though it didn't 10 minutes ago. Don't touch that, that doesn't feel good even though it did last night... :?
We guys can be pretty sexually sensitive and pleasing our wives is kind of a big deal and tied pretty closely to our heart. The down side of him having previous partners is that those experiences probably involved little communication. They may have incorrectly reinforced in his mind that women respond sexually the same way we men do. Porn is the worst at portraying that too. It makes a man think that women are always hot for everything and it all feels good all the time. Not implying he is into porn but I am sure he was exposed to it to some extent and it's a huge distortion of reality.

groovee_chic70 wrote:He has expressed several times he feels like he 'doesn't know how to please me'..I think partly this is because - I'm still learning myself what I like/don't like and..yes being a woman it changes regularly..

Just so you know this is nearly a foreign language to many of us husbands. We don't typically go through a lot of learning what feels good to us because nearly everything does all the time. He needs to know what you just stated in that above line. Internalizing this helped me not be defensive and become a patient listener of my wife. It may be good for him to read here or some information on women's sexuality (Secrets of Eve by Archibald Hart is a good one). Is he a good listener? What you want to do is build a sexual culture together where it is ingrained in your minds that you had each others best interest at heart. Don't carry on and not say anything because the best sex life is the result of communication. And that isn't completed in one conversation either, it's done a little at a time. As far as in the moment or not? Both. The most important thing is to keep them positive.
I'm a moth flyin' into the light of it's doom - You wrap me up in your love cocoon...

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Re: question for the men

Postby 00807174 » Wed Jun 01, 2016 4:42 pm

I think u have a lot of good advice here. I want to know I'm pleasing DW more then anything. She's very vocal at times. That's a good sign. She's moved my hands at times asked to switch positions. If I O'd before her she may ask me to rub her. You have to be completely open and honest. We are still learning after 10 years. Hopefully exploring new things too

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Re: question for the men

Postby C_Brown » Sun Jun 05, 2016 3:09 pm

A woman's sexual response is not the same day to day, or even minute to minute. You may need him to do something gently to start with, and once more aroused want him to do the same thing but be far less gentle about it. It's a good thing to direct him in the moment, but you don't have to do it in a way that makes him feel criticized. You can put your hand over top of his to guide him by touch what to do. When something is working let him know, either in words or by your reaction. If it isn't working, ask him to try something else. Talking to him after is good too. It's best to just praise what he does right. If he feels discouraged that he doesn't know how to please you, just tell him that's all the more reason to me intimate a lot so you can work together and get the experience needed for you to both become skilled lovers of each other's bodies. There is no race, you have the rest of your lives and the journey itself is joyful.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

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Re: question for the men

Postby KyWildcat » Mon Jun 20, 2016 11:56 am

As a husband who had to learn this lesson as well, I'd say he needs to grow up and learn to be a patient lover.


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