The Importance of the Pre-Sex Walk-Thru

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
User avatar
MyWifesMan
Hammock
Posts: 1137
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 11:02 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 25th, 1989
Gender: Male

The Importance of the Pre-Sex Walk-Thru

Postby MyWifesMan » Wed Jun 22, 2016 5:58 pm

I wonder how others might have approached introducing some new sexual dynamic, activity, device, or apparatus into their marriage bed, to their perhaps less adventurous spouse?

My bride always leaves it to me as to what we might do sexually. She feels far more comfortable with me leading the activities, coming up with creative approaches, all of that. Of course, whenever I get an idea of something new to utilize or try (be it some different sexual move or using some device or whatever to increase our pleasure or interest), I always talk to her first. If I'm going to buy some new sexual aid or toy, I always run it by her and make sure she's comfortable with it. She warms to new things - especially devices and toys - rather slowly. I'm careful of what I might do or use that might make her wary or that it's not yet in her comfort zone, and that until she is okay with it, it can be a real distraction - or even a turn-off. So the walk-thru is like a dress rehearsal (literally, dressed). I'll take out the device or whatever thing or idea I have, and explain the particulars of what I have in mind, etc., so that there are no surprises, and that she'll be more relaxed during the actual sexual encounter. If I'm going to USE a new device or thing, I want her to see it ahead of time, to know exactly what I'm thinking of trying. Of course, I always talk about it, get her to vett it, before the walk-thru. The other reason I do this, is that she really has to concentrate on sex and she can get easily distracted by something that seems like there's some technical device or aspect that breaks her concentration and (especially) mental approach to her sexual rhythms.

In the past, not doing the walk-thru has sometimes been problematic. Say, I was going to video our sex, but then I had to fiddle with the camera, its placement, angles, etc. So, that was very distracting (and annoying) to us both. I just got a package of Liberator shapes. So, I plan to figure out, ahead of time, how to best place them to try out, etc. This way, when we close the doors for the "undressed" real show, it should be far smoother. Nothing to distract, and we can really concentrate on each other, if in newly creative ways. I guess, to some, this seems a bit anal to almost diagram a sexual scene like Alfred Hitchcock planning a movie scene before he shot it. But I really don't know of another way of creating a feeling of safety and relaxed enjoyment, especially as DW doesn't particularly like to discuss sex - she's more old school - like a Nike commercial - "Just DO it!" (but without any huge surprises). And me "free-styling" a session always goes well as long as the parameters stretched aren't extremely unexpected ones.

Do others do this, or find it important to? Sometimes a bit of planning sex pays great dividends, no? :D Maybe others just "wing" it, and see what happens with pure spontaneity? Guess it depends upon the spouse's sensibilities.

User avatar
Drob
King bed
Posts: 257
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2015 4:49 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): March 30th, 1991
Gender: Male
Location: Florida

Re: The Importance of the Pre-Sex Walk-Thru

Postby Drob » Wed Jun 22, 2016 6:09 pm

Absolutely, I set up everything for sex. She basically walks in and expects to be pleasured. If I don't have it ready to go when the time is right, she's out.

Sent from my Nexus 10 using Tapatalk

User avatar
Learning1
Hammock
Posts: 1060
Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:06 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 15th, 2014
Gender: Female

Re: The Importance of the Pre-Sex Walk-Thru

Postby Learning1 » Wed Jun 22, 2016 6:41 pm

MyWifesMan... Kudos to you ! You really understand your wife and how she is wired and you adjust the dynamic to meet her need, at the same time she seems willing to meet your needs. Well Done !

DH and I usually talk about anything new before hand. E.g. a position we have never tried or a position that we do not use often, purchasing liberator pieces, pricey toys.

We have surprised each other with toys, edibles, massages with oil and candles, lingerie, sex at unexpected times, sorta just take each other, however all the surprises are all stuff we knew the other would enjoy or at a minimum be OK with.

When we were first married I was the one with the ideas and plans, as I was like a kid in a candy store. Now it is about 60% me and 40 % DH. ::al
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

User avatar
Vanna
King bed
Posts: 746
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2016 4:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 20th, 1994
Gender: Female
Location: Texas

Re: The Importance of the Pre-Sex Walk-Thru

Postby Vanna » Wed Jun 22, 2016 8:33 pm

If I buy gizmos- restraints, toys, lubes, bizarre lingerie for me or him- I usually show him what I got. I find that helps him be more relaxed when it shows up later. If I wanted to try something "out there" for the first time (like anal stim, anal sex) then I brought it up beforehand to test the water. At this point, if it's just positions or variations on stuff we already do, we just wing it. 8)
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

User avatar
tentsofpurple
King bed
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:11 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 4th, 2004
Gender: Female

Re: The Importance of the Pre-Sex Walk-Thru

Postby tentsofpurple » Thu Jun 23, 2016 6:19 am

I'm apparently the opposite, I like to be surprised. If dh bought something new or wanted to try something new but spent a ton of timing discussing it or showing it to me before hand I think I'd end up turned off. I like spontaneity and not knowing what's coming. I'd love if he just showed up with something new to try. Obviously we talk to each other about things we like and would like to try but more of in a passing conversational way as opposed to a step by step tutorial/dress rehearsal.

User avatar
txtwindad
Under the stars
Posts: 4078
Joined: Mon Jun 25, 2012 8:29 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 13th, 1983
Gender: Male

Re: The Importance of the Pre-Sex Walk-Thru

Postby txtwindad » Thu Jun 23, 2016 9:16 am

My wife is the same way ToP. She even seems to enjoy it the most if she is blindfolded and has no idea what's coming.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

User avatar
MyWifesMan
Hammock
Posts: 1137
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 11:02 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 25th, 1989
Gender: Male

Re: The Importance of the Pre-Sex Walk-Thru

Postby MyWifesMan » Thu Jun 23, 2016 12:16 pm

T of P: "I like to be surprised. If dh bought something new or wanted to try something new but spent a ton of timing discussing it or showing it to me before hand I think I'd end up turned off. I like spontaneity and not knowing what's coming. I'd love if he just showed up with something new to try."


You know, Tent's response is what I would THINK DW would want - the exciting, the unpredictable, with the surprise element being a huge turn-on. And, BOY, would I love to be able to do that with DW. But I didn't marry THAT personality, but the one that came with DW. So, I finally learned that while gently and sensitively pushing a few boundaries, unexpectedly LEAPING beyond DW's comfort zone is a big no-no. It's not that we can't explore new things, but that she can be a bit timid until she knows what to expect - at least initially. So, I finally realized to not try to sexually expect her to have radically different sensibilities, as to her approach and comfort zone. If I were to just "whip out" some new buzzing, whirling multi-colored toy or psychedelic dildo - well, she'd very likely freak out: "WHAT is THAT and what do you plan on doing with it???!!!" :lol: Yeah, not good!

And as I realized DW always wants ME to lead - I think she feels she's not very creative and for her to take more of that role is intimidating to her - I realized I just need to always enjoy leading (as long as she'll reasonably FOLLOW to a few interesting new horizons, now and then). I think many of us probably waste a lot of time bemoaning the fact that our spouses aren't substantially different in their sexual approach and sensibilities than they actually are. Really, there's a lot of room for exploration within her comfort zone that can be wonderful for both of us. I also think some of us read this and that, about what others are doing in THEIR marriage beds, and we crave the very same - which is understandable. But sometimes - even oftentimes - that may be unrealistic. Funny, I can remember a time, very early in marriage, in which I was just overjoyed that I got to consistently enjoy "plain 'ole, vanilla" missionary sex. When she enthusiastically added just basic oral to that early menu - really, I was in HEAVEN! So, I guess you gently strive for some new mutual boundaries, while also praising God that you have a wonderful spouse who wants to make love to you.

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5249
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: The Importance of the Pre-Sex Walk-Thru

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Jun 23, 2016 12:38 pm

MyWifesMan wrote:Do others do this, or find it important to? Sometimes a bit of planning sex pays great dividends, no? :D Maybe others just "wing" it, and see what happens with pure spontaneity? Guess it depends upon the spouse's sensibilities.

We pretty much wing it. Of course that is with things that are in the realm of what we consider "normal" for us...we both know what the other is "anti". If there was something that we knew the other had never thought about because it is way outside of "normal" for us... that would take some planning, and probably some mental preparation.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

User avatar
MyWifesMan
Hammock
Posts: 1137
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 11:02 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 25th, 1989
Gender: Male

Re: The Importance of the Pre-Sex Walk-Thru

Postby MyWifesMan » Thu Jun 23, 2016 4:14 pm

Seeking: We pretty much wing it. Of course that is with things that are in the realm of what we consider "normal" for us


And that is what we do - I pretty much wing it, creatively, albeit within already known or expected parameters - which can still produce surprising pleasures. However, there are times when I feel a rut coming on - one that needs some extra spice, variety, or something new - or at least with a new twist. For me, it's almost as if the words "routine" and "sex" should never be in the same sentence. But DW seems to take comfort and continued enjoyment in what I consider TOO routine. It's really easy to get lazy in the bedroom, as far as being creative - maybe that 's why DW wants me to be the "Creative Director?"

iffy54
Newbie
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2015 9:19 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 18th, 1992
Gender: Male

Re: The Importance of the Pre-Sex Walk-Thru

Postby iffy54 » Thu Jun 30, 2016 10:52 am

Id say the key is to open up a discussion. My DW would be a bit weirded out by a dress rehearsal but i guess its a good conversation to have toward enabling more freedom to try new things

Sent from my SM-G903W using Tapatalk


Return to “Other Sexual Changes, Challenges & Difficulties”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users