So self-conscious of inverted nipples

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captaincrunch-10
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So self-conscious of inverted nipples

Postby captaincrunch-10 » Sat Oct 08, 2016 11:46 pm

My husband and I got married ten years ago. I was not a virgin and he was. He doesn't know much of what I'm about to write here, but I cried quite a bit when we were first married. I was crushed inside. I felt, and still feel incomplete. My breasts used to be something that turned me on. He did take my bra off from time to time but it was rare and although I am tall, thin, and attractive- I have inverted nipples. And I mean, sincerely inverted despite nursing for (now) several years. It never bothered me before. It was like a total non issue until I married my husband. Also, my breasts have become increasingly asymmetrical over the years.

I figured if I just told him in a sexy way what I wanted in bed, then he would do it. I told him I loved having my breasts rubbed, sucked, played with. Well, he didn't do it. Like, ever. If possible he leaves my top/bra on every time we do it. I am getting the loud and clear message that the only part of my body he wants is my butt and vagina. I used to think my legs were long and sexy, but he has repeatedly said negative things about them and never includes them in caressing etc, so now I hate them too. When we have sex he knows he is obligated to kiss me, so I get 1,000 very dry kisses on the lips or a hard tongue pushed into my mouth. I have told him so gently and kindly what I like when being kissed too. Several times. Very clearly but nicely. Nothing changes. The kissing actually turns me off. Its like he forgot I have a face, a neck, a chest, ears, thighs, feet etc. My 2 biggest turn ons are passionate kissing and lots of breast play. Well, that isn't happening.

So, for years we just have so-so sex. I feel rejected. I have NO CLUE how to approach him. And if I did, he would start to include my breasts to be nice, but the truth is certainly clear now that he doesn't like them, so the only time they turn me on is when I'm alone and no one is judging me. Every single time I have changed in front of him I turn around so he can't see my chest. If they are out on accident like we are in the shower, I can't tell you how self conscious I am. I feel so disgusting. So naturally I have looked into surgery. The inverted nipple surgery would make me unable to breastfeed and we plant to have one more child. I believe breastfeeding is so important so I don't want to do that. Plus it often isn't successful and leaves the nipples numb. I still want to get implants and have them evened out, but even then I'm worried that he won't do anything with them. I also have tried drinking so I'm not self conscious, then I take my top and bra off but still, he ignores them for the most part.

I honestly feel so alone, and I feel so deformed and ugly that even my own husband can't enjoy my breasts. I have cried alone and spent so many hours awake researching how I can teach him what I like, but I'm stumped. How could I ever tell him this? And what would it help? I can tell that anytime I make any comment regarding the way I like things he takes it as an insult to what he is doing, his pride is injured immediately, unless I sugar coat it so much that he doesn't even know I'm trying to stop him from doing something that turns me off big time. I wish the "whole me" was loved by my husband. I wish I could enjoy sex with him more. He is a great guy all the way around otherwise, and is so dedicated to me. He is not into porn so thats good. I have no suspicions of that. We laugh together so much, we have such an open relationship about EVERYTHING else. I can vent to him forever and he listens so great. He is my best friend. I just really wish I could share my most intimate turn ons with him, and I wish he would care to make sure I was very aroused.

ledgemoor
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Re: So self-conscious of inverted nipples

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Oct 09, 2016 8:51 am

Hi Captain -- welcome to TMB forums. So sorry you are going thru this.

I have heard of inverted nipples, but never seen any. I went online to do some research, and it looks to me like it is just a normal variation -- not the sort of thing that would be a turn-off or even noticeable if you saw one on a topless beach. You can breastfeed, so how bad can it be? At any rate, having everted nipples and perfectly symmetrical breasts wouldn't change a thing for you.

There are several things that could be going on:

*You husband may just not be a boob man. Some guys aren't. Me, I'm not a butt man. My wife has a supermodel butt, but I'm more into other parts :-).

*He sounds unskilled and unknowledgeable in the ways of the marriage bed.

*Sex in general may not be high on his radar is not as high as it is on yours. The vast majority of couples here on this board are more into sex and marriage than their spouses are. Some are fine with relieving themselves occasionally but don't care for more, physically or emotionally.

Some questions:

*He was a virgin, which in and of itself is a good thing of course. But some people wait, with much difficulty, because it is the right thing to do. Others wait because they have improper negative attitudes about sex. How are his overall attitudes about sex in the life of a Christian? Can you get a feel for what he picked up from his parents or how their sex life is? Is your husband OK with totally enjoying his wife's body, the sights, tastes, and smells, on a Sunday afternoon with God's blessing?

*Has he or will he read anything? Has he read Sheet Music?

*What did he say about your legs? You don't need to answer that here, what I am really wondering is if you could have misunderstood something he said as negative when he didn't mean it that way. I'm not that into legs either btw. I totally fail to see how high-heel shoes make a woman's legs look any sexier.

Things to consider doing:

*
He doesn't know much of what I'm about to write here, .....
Take the risk of letting him read your post or telling him how you really feel. You have an unworkable marriage now, so I don't see that you have much to lose. Realize that if you decide to do something about this, you can almost be sure that things will get worse before they get better.

*Read some stuff on sex together, i.e. Sheet Music, and discuss it.

*Attend a marriage seminar. Besides being sex-positive, they attempt to set up a scenario where a couple can discuss difficult issues without backlash.

*Talk to someone. A good, sex-positive pastor, or a professional CHRISTIAN counselor. Why tackle this yourself if you don't have to, and it will impress upon your husband the gravity of the situation. A counselor or pastor will hold him accountable to do the things he agrees to do.

*Finally, don't base your body image on your husband's reaction or lack thereof. There is nothing un-sexier than a pretty woman who thinks she is ugly, and nothing sexier than ANY woman who thinks she's hot. Don't get into a catch-22 with this. You think you are unattractive, you act like you are unattractive, he picks up on that and is even less attracted to you. Look, 99.9% of guys are perfectly OK with nipples that are a little different than most, and one boob bigger than the other. A big one and a small one, sounds like the best of both both worlds to me
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: So self-conscious of inverted nipples

Postby SLS » Tue Oct 11, 2016 5:32 pm

Captain, welcome to TMB. You will find a lot of good information and advice here. You have done a brave thing by seeking help. Keep at it. Your marriage and your sex life is worth fighting for.

captaincrunch-10 wrote:I have inverted nipples.

Like ledgemoor I also did some research on inverted nipples. Up to 20% of women have them (1 in 5!). It is a normal variation and nothing to be ashamed of. It is like red hair vs. brown hair. Your body is fine.

Also, my breasts have become increasingly asymmetrical over the years.

That is also normal. My wife has asymmetrical breasts and that has never made me desire them less. In fact, knowing that each breast is unique has made them even more desirable to me. :D

If possible he leaves my top/bra on every time we do it.

That isn't right or normal. Even if he is not a "breast man" he should still want to see you totally naked. I would never tell my wife to cover up any part of her body during lovemaking (or any other time we are alone for that matter :D ). What was he taught about sex growing up? Was he taught that sex is a wonderful gift of God for both spouses or that it was a dishonorable necessity? What does he believe the purpose of sex is?

I have NO CLUE how to approach him..... I can tell that anytime I make any comment regarding the way I like things he takes it as an insult to what he is doing, his pride is injured immediately, unless I sugar coat it so much that he doesn't even know I'm trying to stop him from doing something that turns me off big time.

Sharing this post would be a good first step. Sometimes in marriage it is necessary to bruise an ego and very plainly explain what is wrong. Otherwise you risk the situation continuing with no resolution. There have been times where my wife has had to be brutally honest when telling me I am in the wrong (same vice versa). Sure, in the moment my feelings were hurt, but after I cooled down I realized she was right and I needed to modify my behavior.

Set up a time to talk (outside the bedroom) and let him know in no uncertain terms that his comments and actions have been extremely hurtful. Ask him to explain why he neglects your breasts and ignores what you desire sexually. Explain to him what you need in the marriage bed. If he needs help understanding how to please you direct him to resources like Sheet Music, Celebration of Sex, and even this forum.

So naturally I have looked into surgery........ I still want to get implants and have them evened out, but even then I'm worried that he won't do anything with them.

It never bothered me before. It was like a total non issue until I married my husband.

You should only get surgery or implants if that is what you want. Don't do it for him. If you are fine with how your body looks and there is no medical necessity then please don't change anything.

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Re: So self-conscious of inverted nipples

Postby alaska bob » Wed Oct 12, 2016 5:46 am

Like the others indicated, I don't think your nipples or breasts are the problem here. It sounds like you had a healthy perception of yourself physically before your marriage. It is your husband's responsibility to make you feel better about yourself rather than make you feel insecure. And as a lover, he should be following the signs you give him as to how to please you. I wouldn't bother with any type of cosmetic surgery - I don't think physically changing yourself is going to fix the problem here because the problem here is within your husband, not you.

captaincrunch-10
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Re: So self-conscious of inverted nipples

Postby captaincrunch-10 » Wed Dec 07, 2016 2:59 pm

well, I talked to him about it and it didn't go the greatest. He said he has absolutely no memory of me ever telling him that I liked having my breasts played with even though I remember soooo vividly and in very detailed ways telling him more than once. He said that even if I got surgery he wouldn't do anything different with my breasts. I feel like my sex life is doomed, because I have a huge mental block about him ever touching my breasts/exposing them to him now and he knows it because I told him. I feel like I tried so hard to have a good sex life.

Before I was married I read that you can't expect guys to read your mind and you should tell him what you like, but I did that and it failed. Please help me understand why a man is told exactly what to do and it goes in one ear and out the other, he never acts on it, and in fact has no memory of it? I cannot wrap my mind around it. I mean, is it fun for him to do the same thing over and over for a long time while I am trying so hard to orgasm? I am still so upset about it and I feel completely hopeless. I feel like I gave him all of me and he didn't even want it. I remember him so many times rubbing my arms and my back trying to get me ready for sex and it just drives me crazy because I thought he should know where a woman's erogenous zones are. He has read sex books and i know he has looked at porn. I thought that it was natural to play with a woman's breasts for foreplay. I feel like I am doomed to never reaching our potential for sex:(

I have a very hard time thinking of going to a counselor because I think its creepy to have to talk to someone face to face about this stuff. Creepy that a man or woman would hear all this and I would have to look them in the eye. To think that a man would hear about my turn ons and deepest insecurities is really not a good thought, and likewise a woman hearing about what we do in bed is not appealing to me. So this is the only place I feel comfortable talking about it.

And thank you for your responses:)

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Re: So self-conscious of inverted nipples

Postby poetess » Wed Dec 07, 2016 4:03 pm

Just a quick note to this: "I thought he should know where a woman's erogenous zones are." He can't know unless you tell him, because different women's are different.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

captaincrunch-10
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Re: So self-conscious of inverted nipples

Postby captaincrunch-10 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 7:38 am

No, sorry a woman's erogenous zones are pretty straightforward, you can find a million maps of them online and they're all basically the same places. No woman is going to get aroused having her arms rubbed. Anyway, besides that, to reiterate, I told him several times exactly what to do.

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Re: So self-conscious of inverted nipples

Postby poetess » Thu Dec 08, 2016 9:55 am

Captain Crunch, I'm sorry it is taking him so long to "get it."

However, if women's erogenous zones are all the same, then why are you telling me you want your husband to play with your breasts? Because I'm a woman and I have never been turned on by having mine touched--quite the opposite. It's quite a turn-off, in fact, because it's often painful, and at the very "best" it's neutral, no sexier than him stroking my heel. I'd far rather have my face touched, or the insides of my thighs, or any other part of my body. Having my arms rubbed isn't as good as a stroke on my face, but I'd take it over breast play any day. If we're all the same, then one of us must be lying. Or maybe we actually aren't all the same.

Yes, he should have heard you tell him that--but the most caring man doesn't always hear/process everything his wife tells him. And it isn't fair to expect him to "just know." You need to tell him, and tell him again (but not with eye-rolling) or move his hand to where you want it.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: So self-conscious of inverted nipples

Postby 2pack » Thu Dec 08, 2016 11:49 am

captaincrunch-10 wrote:I was not a virgin and he was.

You are kind of describing what our marriage was like for the better part of fifteen years only I was the one with experience and my wife was a virgin. Don't underestimate that and what his mindset was going into marriage and specifically your sexual relationship. He may have just always felt, and still feels extremely inadequate to please you.

There seem to be some things the two of you need to work on but it may not be as bad as you think.
captaincrunch-10 wrote: we have such an open relationship about EVERYTHING else.

I think this line bothered me more than anything in in this whole post and probably the crux of the whole matter. This line leaves you both in "assumptionville" and everyone here will tell you that is NOT where you want to be. You are making a LOT of assumptions that may, but very well may NOT be true. Even though they may FEEL very true. It would be interesting to know what kind of assumptions he is making about your sexual relationship? This was us in the beginning of our marriage and it just never really improved and we had a terrible time communicating about it...and we were, and still are the very best of friends and have a great relationship. She just got to the point of pure avoidance of the subject leaving me to make all kinds of incorrect assumptions. It took all of those years to get my wife to open up and when we started to communicate better, I realized the things I was believing were not true at all. I just needed to hear her side and what was going through her mind.
I can't give you a lot of advice but I would try to start to put a stop to the negative assumptions that you are making. Even though it seems there is reason to believe them, you are not doing yourself any favors by believing the things you are saying about yourself and they may be completely incorrect.
That being said, it would be much easier to do if your husband can get on board without feeling like you are criticizing him. That is a tougher challenge. My wife always felt like I was criticizing her and I never was - we just didn't understand each other in this area.

Is your husband more introverted or extroverted? I am assuming introverted and maybe inwardly processes his feelings?
I'm a moth flyin' into the light of it's doom - You wrap me up in your love cocoon...

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Re: So self-conscious of inverted nipples

Postby riley17 » Sat Dec 10, 2016 1:55 am

So sorry you're going through that! I know what it's like to have inverted nipples, I had them my whole life until recently. What helped me the most was the Avent Nipplette. It's like a little thimble sized cup that fits over your nipple and you use a syringe to suck the air out, and pull the nipple out and into the cup. It pulls on the connective tissue holding your nipple in, and loosens it over time so your nipple can come out. It worked for me, so I hope that helps you!! It does take time though, so be patient!! You have to wear it every day and follow the instructions. If it hurts relieve the pressure a little bit.
Best of all it will not affect breast feeding. I would not have been able to breast feed if it weren't for the niplette!!

My husband doesn't seem to like my boobs either, and I like attention there just like you. He doesn't kiss my neck either without me practically begging him. It's taking a lot of communication and time and that's something we are still working on. It still hurts somedays though. Especially that I have to beg for something I feel should be normal, and his reluctance. It makes me feel gross and undesireable and rejected. I understand how you feel. Since the nipplette worked for me, it's gotten a little better, but not much. I don't know if having inverted nipples is really the problem, more his attitude towards doing what you need. The best advice I can tell you is to love your body and love yourself no matter what! Changing your nipples may or may not help, because you aren't the problem! I found what helps is constant open communication! My hubby is now trying to work on it. During sex I clearly tell him what I need in the hopes that if he keeps doing it, even reluctantly, that it will become habit or more enjoyable to him over time as he becomes more comfy with it.


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