My Husband's Vasectomy

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
marriedwifeof4ki
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My Husband's Vasectomy

Postby marriedwifeof4ki » Mon Oct 17, 2016 12:35 pm

My husband recently had a vasectomy because it is no longer safe for me to get pregnant. Suddenly I find myself not wanting to make love anymore. I have this sadness inside like something has been stolen from me. For me sex has always been more about procreation then pleasure. My husband is understanding, but is frustrated. He has withdrawn himself emotionally from me and it is my fault. Not sure how to fix it and want sex again. I need a ladies point of view as well as a man's.

tjw
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Re: My Husband's Vasectomy

Postby tjw » Mon Oct 17, 2016 1:05 pm

I'm sure some good ladies and men will come along to advise you.

From a purely logical perspective, the way you "fix" it is for you and your husband to work toward ways of making sex pleasurable for you. Talking to some of the ladies on here could sure help. There are some who report long pasts of "going thru the motions" and of not really enjoying sex until their desires were "awakened".

From a man's perspective, I'll never forget when I found out that my wife married me for my "qualities" and was not attracted to me physically. It dealt my ego a crushing blow. I became very self-protective with her. Not sure if that's how your husband feels, and he's the one who counts.

I don't really have any specific advice to offer you, but others on here will. But you and your husband have my prayers.

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Drob
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Re: My Husband's Vasectomy

Postby Drob » Mon Oct 17, 2016 1:48 pm

This is very interesting, it was about the time of my vasectomy my DW began losing her desire, i thought it was because of the children but now I'm wondering. Thanks for bringing this up for discussion, i will be reading all the responses intently.

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SeekingChange
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Re: My Husband's Vasectomy

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Oct 17, 2016 3:39 pm

You have lost something, so grieve it....that's okay. I have had to grieve our own choice of ending the chance of pregnancies (also because of health reasons in me), I also had to face the fact and confess that my decision was made out of fear.... but when we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us.

Don't get stuck in your grief though. This is an opportunity for you to be transformed in your thinking and for your relationship with your husband to become something beyond all you can ask or imagine. Start praying for God to change your mind in this area, pray for Him to give you a passion and a fire for your husband. There is no greater oneness and connection between a husband and wife when they can come together for the sole reason just to love each other and to show each other that love in a way that is only intended for marriage, and that is only holy and blessed between a husband and a wife. Pray that the Holy Spirit will open your eyes to new and fresh truths of your sexuality and of your husbands sexuality.

Praying for you, and that God will comfort your aching heart and heal your brokenness, and may God answer our prayers and may your marriage and marriage bed be blessed and full of hot, holy passion!
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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OldBear
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Re: My Husband's Vasectomy

Postby OldBear » Mon Oct 17, 2016 3:54 pm

Mrs. Oldbear had an oophorectomy in her mid-40s. In one day she went from having regular fertility periods to being post-menopause. After recovering from the surgery we resumed sexual intimacy, but little did I know how much her mind and body had changed. She has been wonderfully generous over all our years of marriage. Just in the past few years she's shared how she literally had to retrain her mind and body to overcome the psychological, physiological, and emotional change knowing she could no longer bear children and dealing with hormonal changes. Her drive is lower, yet her zeal in making love is as great as ever. Although time heals, it was her commitment to continue to be intimate with me realizing that it was just as essential for her as for me that made the difference for her. Even though you may not want to make love any more, be intimate, you need it.

Dcrew
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Re: My Husband's Vasectomy

Postby Dcrew » Mon Oct 17, 2016 4:15 pm

In 2008 at the age of 34 I had a hysterectomy. I lost all desire too. My husband couldn't hug me without tears flowing from my eyes. I bottled it up, and put a (fake) smile on my face. During the first year after, it felt like everyone was having babies. I grieved in silence. Meanwhile, pulling back emotionally from my husband.


I tell you only to reiterate what has been said. Grieve what has had to happen. Pray fervently for God to help you.
I'll add you to my prayer list.


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Drob
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Re: My Husband's Vasectomy

Postby Drob » Tue Oct 18, 2016 10:34 am

It appears to me from what I'm reading that the libido of a woman is somehow tied to the possibility of procreation. As for me those two don't relate. I have always separated that into two categories, sex for relationship building / enhancement and personal needs is different from sex to procreate. Is this common with all guys? Just trying to understand women here.

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tjw
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Re: My Husband's Vasectomy

Postby tjw » Tue Oct 18, 2016 10:44 am

Is this common with all guys?


I can only speak for myself, but I always thought of it as "separate", too. I've been married to 3 different women and none of them thought of sex as only for procreation, however, all 3 of them had "natural" menopause. I think the feelings might be different for those ladies whose menopause was interventional.

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tician
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Re: My Husband's Vasectomy

Postby tician » Wed Oct 19, 2016 2:39 pm

Hi marriedwife, my first thought is that it might be helpful for you to talk through this with a Christian counsellor if one is available to you, counselling can be really helpful even if you're not in a crisis.

My other thought is that while God designed sex to be a gloriously beautiful way to make children, He also designed it to strengthen and celebrate a marriage. Maybe you could try to encourage yourself to see how God has designed more purposes in sex? You could read through Song of Songs, or think through how Paul encourages married couples in 1 Cor 7:1-5 to have sex regularly, not specifically to produce children but instead to satisfy their sexual desires (which God gave them) in a holy way rather than a sinful way.

I can relate to you though. As a man I think it would take a little work for me to get over the feeling that I'd "lost something" if I had a vasectomy. I might feel like I was less of a man if I had no potential to have children anymore. I doubt very much that I would lose interest in sex, but I still think it would have an effect on me. If my wife also felt less attracted to me because I'd had a vasectomy then that could really throw me. It's great that you're seeking help marriedwife, for yours and your husband's sake, don't give up until you find the happiness that God has made for you in your sexual relationship with your husband.
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