A trade off of going to church for sex???

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dftc
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A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby dftc » Mon Jun 26, 2017 1:40 pm

So I found this site not too long ago and I figured that I would post on here to see what you all think.

I wasn't quite sure where to post this, so if it needs to be moved, please move it.

A little backstory first:

My husband and I have been married 15 years. We have attended church off and on throughout our marriage. I’d really like to put down roots and join a church.

For the first 10 years, I was a full blown refuser. Whenever my hubby would bring up sex, I would wait him out until he just got tired and finally went to bed without me. I’d find any excuse I could to avoid having sex with him. I just couldn’t see why a frequency of more than 1 time a month was important to him...I still don't completely understand it.

After a lot of begging and pleading from him, I finally gave in to him and we increased our frequency from 1-2 times a month to 2+ times per week. This was about 5 years ago.

Since then, our frequency is back down to once a month. It’s not necessarily because I’m refusing him. He’s just not asking anymore. He says he is so used to me refusing that he is unsure about approaching me. He also says he wants sex, but he’s tired of being the only one who always pursuing. He says he’s tired of missionary style and being on top. He says that it isn’t much better than when I was refusing.

I’m always open to sex with him if he asks. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’m refusing. I’m just not really initiating. He says it makes him feel unwanted and undesired. I don't quite understand why when I am willing to participate.

On top of that, I’ve been trying to get him to go to church with me. The other day, when I asked him, he told me he would make a deal. He told me that if I would make an effort to initiate more often then he would go to church with me and if I continued, that he would even join the church with me. I don’t know what to think about that. I feel like I would be trading sexual favors just to get my husband to go to church with me!

He says the main reason he doesn’t want to go is because he doesn’t see the difference church makes when his own wife won’t even make an attempt to make love with him and desire him. As hurtful as that is, I don’t think that is a good enough reason to turn down church!

What do you all think?

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby ghostrider » Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:19 pm

Very good questions.

First, most men need to be desired. At least the good ones do. This is part of what separates us from animals (and from cavemen). Most males dogs are quite content to get their jollies on any subdue-able female without any care for if the female dog is really willing or enjoys it. Its all about the physical release. And your stereotypical caveman and even some slightly more modern alpha males aren't much better.

But men are created to be different - to bond with their wife intimately thru making love. This requires a form of two-way communication to work - he has to be willing to be sensitive, listen to her needs and make it good for her, but she needs to be more than just a physical receptacle, for true intimacy to occur. If the wife is distracted, bored, or silently disgusted then the man doesn't have his true needs met, which are so much more than just the physical release (and she probably doesn't either). It will feel like she is just obliging him by going thru the motions, but isn't into it, and doesn't really care one way or the other. There is really no common ground in this instance. Do you desire him? Love him? Why did you marry him? Do those reasons still hold true? Some men need to be physically shown that love and appreciation, and not merely have a wife who is available to be shown love to.

Your second question about church I'm not sure about. I don't think going to church for sex sounds like the right reasons, but it could well be true that your seeming indifference towards him either turns him off towards God, or turns him away from anything else you are interested in.

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby SLS » Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:25 pm

Welcome the boards dftc. This is a great place to get help with intimacy in marriage.

dftc wrote:For the first 10 years, I was a full blown refuser. Whenever my hubby would bring up sex, I would wait him out until he just got tired and finally went to bed without me. I’d find any excuse I could to avoid having sex with him. I just couldn’t see why a frequency of more than 1 time a month was important to him...I still don't completely understand it.


What was your reasoning for not engaging in sex with your husband? Was sex painful? Was there abuse in your past? What kind of teachings on sex in marriage did you receive?

God's design for sex is for husbands and wives to be joyfully intimate with each other and meet each other's sexual needs. These needs are not just physical. One of the main ways a husband connects emotionally with his wife is through sex. If sex is rare or had grudgingly, it torpedo's the emotional connection. Think of the ways your husband makes you feel loved. That is what he feels when y'all have sex.

After a lot of begging and pleading from him, I finally gave in to him and we increased our frequency from 1-2 times a month to 2+ times per week. This was about 5 years ago. Since then, our frequency is back down to once a month. It’s not necessarily because I’m refusing him. He’s just not asking anymore. snip

I’m always open to sex with him if he asks. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’m refusing. I’m just not really initiating. He says it makes him feel unwanted and undesired. I don't quite understand why when I am willing to participate.


As a man I can tell you that one of the best ways to kill a man's self-esteem is for him to have to beg to be intimate with his wife. In his eyes that means that you see him as less of a person, not even worth the effort to love and cherish. Even if the frequency goes up it still breaks his heart if his wife just lays there and doesn't actively participate. It isn't just about physical release for men. Your husband is proof of that. The reason why he doesn't want to initiate is because he thinks you don't want him and that hurts him emotionally.

He says the main reason he doesn’t want to go is because he doesn’t see the difference church makes when his own wife won’t even make an attempt to make love with him and desire him. As hurtful as that is, I don’t think that is a good enough reason to turn down church!


I agree that y'all shouldn't be making deals like this. As believers we should go to church because that is what the Bible says to do. ("Do not forsake meeting together")

That said, the Bible also says that we are the body of Christ and we are to display Him to the world. Your husband has a point in that being a Christian should make a big difference in the lives of believers. Would Jesus withhold love and affection from one of his followers?

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby doug-h » Mon Jun 26, 2017 2:52 pm

Dftc,

Welcome to the forum.

I think Ghostrider and SLS have done a good job of covering most of the remarks I might have made, and done a better job of it than I would have.

I don't disagree with anything they said, but I might think differently about the question of Church attendance. I really don't see the bargain he made as a long term solution to anything, but I have to say that as a short term measure to help you each value what is important to the other, I say go for it. You initiating more, and him sitting in a Church next to his wife could both be game changers in both of your lives. There is a risk of it backfiring, if either of you are not sincere, but to my way of thinking, each of you should be sincere about doing what the other values.

I'm not basing that on any theological principal, or biblical teaching. That is only my personal opinion.

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby hisadored » Mon Jun 26, 2017 7:10 pm

Instead of thinking of sex as a trade off for church attendance, think of it as a gift you give him out of gratitude for his coming with you! Same action--different motivation. As a trade off sex can seem forced upon you; as a gift you choose to give, you play an important role in celebrating this new lifestyle.

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby tjw » Tue Jun 27, 2017 5:14 am

dftc wrote: I don’t think that is a good enough reason to turn down church!


I think it's not just a "deal" he's proposing.

I think your husband may be trying to explain his sexual needs to you in terms you might understand. You state that you don't understand his need for sex. He may be drawing an analogy for you.

What is your need in having your husband go to church with you? Why does it matter to you whether he goes or not? Don't you go there to worship the Lord? Why is he needed for you to do that?

I admit that I'm looking forward to your answers because I have never understood why my wife stayed home from church when I was on the road.

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby jokerman » Tue Jun 27, 2017 6:07 am

For 10 years, he wanted to do something (sex) and you told him no. If you don't understand what that does to a man's psyche, please look around for some good books, because it's quite devastating.

He's still not jazzed about how your shared sex life is going, and you've told him something you want to do, and he's decided to use this as an object lesson so you'll understand how he felt when he was turned down.

I think this could be a learning experience for both of you. The 10 years of rejection are still a weight that you will drag around until you deal with it completely.

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Jun 27, 2017 6:40 am

Hello! Glad you are here! I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I am one who was a refuser and a gatekeeper, as we like to say in TMB circles. I want you to know that you aren't alone here.

At this point, I don't have much to add to what's been said. I believe all of these men are giving you a very unique and valuable perspective. Take heed. :D
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby poetess » Tue Jun 27, 2017 6:54 am

dftc, welcome! You have come to the right place to ask the good questions you have.

One very good book I would recommend is For Women Only. It's the result of surveying many men to figure out what they wish their wives knee about men. Every man is different, but it's pretty eye-opening to the general sense of what is important to men . . . including how important respect is to a man and why sex is so important to a husband. (Probably not what you think.)
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby poetess » Wed Jun 28, 2017 6:41 am

And here's a link to an excellent blog post about the subject. I'd recommend that you pray for an open heart to your husband and then read it: https://forgivenwife.com/make-just-one- ... #more-9646
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby dftc » Wed Jun 28, 2017 6:58 am

SLS wrote: First, most men need to be desired.


doug-h wrote: As a man I can tell you that one of the best ways to kill a man's self-esteem is for him to have to beg to be intimate with his wife. In his eyes that means that you see him as less of a person, not even worth the effort to love and cherish.


He doesn’t really have to beg. I’m willing.

I was taught by my mom that women are the ones who should be desired and chased after instead of vice versa. Although, my mom wasn’t the greatest teacher. She told me 2 things before I was married. #1..Don’t have sex until after I’m married. #2..Men always want sex and it’s something we just have to put up with from time to time. That was the extent of what I learned from her

I just don’t really know how to chase after him for sex to make him feel desired. I guess I don’t understand why he needs me to initiate when I don’t turn him down when he initiates. I’m willing to have sex with him, I just am having a hard time getting over the fact that women can initiate too. As far as him wanting other positions with me on top, I just never can get used to that. Every time we have tried, I can’t get in the rhythm. The last time I mentioned that to him, he told me that I haven’t given it enough of a chance to learn the rhythm! It gets frustrating to me!

I guess it does add up in a way. He said he wouldn’t even want me to initiate 50/50. If I could just initiate one third of the time, he’d be happier. He also said there’s a difference between initiating and who is “in control” or on top I think he said. I guess I see the two synonymous and I can’t wrap my head around me initiating and him taking over.

sls wrote: I agree that y'all shouldn't be making deals like this. As believers we should go to church because that is what the Bible says to do. ("Do not forsake meeting together")


That’s why his compromise bothers me. Isn’t meeting together at church and learning more about God more important than having sex?

hisadored wrote: Instead of thinking of sex as a trade off for church attendance, think of it as a gift you give him out of gratitude for his coming with you! Same action--different motivation. As a trade off sex can seem forced upon you; as a gift you choose to give, you play an important role in celebrating this new lifestyle.


That’s an interesting way to look at it. I’ll have to think about that more.

tjw wrote: What is your need in having your husband go to church with you? Why does it matter to you whether he goes or not? Don't you go there to worship the Lord? Why is he needed for you to do that?


I really want to go to church with my husband. It has been a dream of mine since I was younger to have a husband that I could regularly talk about spiritual things and go to Sunday morning church and Sunday evening church and worship with me. I guess I could go by myself with my 2 daughters, but I really want him to go with us. I want him to be a good role model for our kids also.

I am wondering if he’s even a Christian now. Shouldn’t he want to go to church if he is? I pointed that out to him one time and he got mad.

jokerman wrote: For 10 years, he wanted to do something (sex) and you told him no. If you don't understand what that does to a man's psyche, please look around for some good books, because it's quite devastating.

He's still not jazzed about how your shared sex life is going, and you've told him something you want to do, and he's decided to use this as an object lesson so you'll understand how he felt when he was turned down.

I think this could be a learning experience for both of you. The 10 years of rejection are still a weight that you will drag around until you deal with it completely.


Like I said earlier, when he pointed out that I was refuser, I stopped saying no and our frequency increased 5 years ago. He didn’t go to church very often then with me, but I he did start to become more active around the house and going places with me. He’s told me that he would clean the whole house for me (including all the bathrooms) for the rest of his life for me if I would try to see his point of view and compromise with him lol.
You are right when you say that I will be dragging this around. I think he was really testing the waters back then to see if I was honestly changing. Maybe that’s why he gave up initiating? I think the frequency of 2+ times per week lasted about 4 months and then it was like he backed down. I figured he was satisfied with where things settled to until he started bringing it up again. I thought I had really changed and improved. It really upset me the first time he mentioned that things haven’t really changed. I felt like I couldn't measure up.

poetess wrote: One very good book I would recommend is For Women Only. It's the result of surveying many men to figure out what they wish their wives knee about men. Every man is different, but it's pretty eye-opening to the general sense of what is important to men . . . including how important respect is to a man and why sex is so important to a husband. (Probably not what you think.)


I’ll order that book on Amazon today and read it when I have some time. Maybe it’ll help me get some more insight. He has bought numerous books that he wanted me to read with him. I just haven’t had the time.

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby SLS » Wed Jun 28, 2017 12:35 pm

dftc wrote:He doesn’t really have to beg. I’m willing.


But how far does that willingness go? Are you engaging with him during sex or are you just laying there and telling him to get it over with?

Let me use some analogies to make my point clear:

Lets say your husband has been trying to get you to go with him to a great restaurant and for 10 years you said no. For the last 5 years you have gone to the restaurant with him but have refused to order anything, even though the dishes are exquisite.

Lets use a sports analogy. If you say you are willing to play tennis but are unwilling to serve the ball or use your racket are you really playing tennis? It is the same way with sex.

She told me 2 things before I was married. #1..Don’t have sex until after I’m married. #2..Men always want sex and it’s something we just have to put up with from time to time.


Your mother was right about the first point but incredibly wrong on the second. Sex isn't something that is only for men and that women have to "put up with." It is designed for both men and women to enjoy. God gave women the ability to take great pleasure in the sexual act. Search the Scriptures; look at Song of Solomon and I Corinthians 7. Just look at the clitoris. The only reason its there is to give women sexual delight. Are your sexual needs being met? Have you ever thought about what you like in the marriage bed?

As far as him wanting other positions with me on top, I just never can get used to that. Every time we have tried, I can’t get in the rhythm. The last time I mentioned that to him, he told me that I haven’t given it enough of a chance to learn the rhythm! It gets frustrating to me!


It takes time and practice to learn how to do and enjoy each position. My wife and I have been married for 3 years, and we are still discovering ways to make our usual positions more comfortable and enjoyable. Some positions are easier than others depending on what your body type is. You might want to look at the list of Woman on Top positions listed on the Christian Friendly Sex Positions site (http://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/). Its a great site that helps illustrate sexual positions without any nudity or coarseness.

I just don’t really know how to chase after him for sex to make him feel desired. I guess I don’t understand why he needs me to initiate when I don’t turn him down when he initiates.


From wife of SLS:
The best way I can explain this is with the obvious and cliché statement "Men are different from women". Both the husband and the wife need sex in the marriage, but it affects men differently. What I have observed in my marriage to SLS is that we both need sex to feel close to each other and sex is part of the glue that holds us together. For SLS, he gets most of his emotional connection to me through sex rather than through talking or just spending time together. That is how he is built, and that is ok.

It is my understanding that many men are built like this and men like women to initiate because it shows that their wife desires them. Just like women like men to bring them roses or write them poetry or do thoughtful things for them to show that they love and desire her, men like when their wives show interest in them sexually and initiate as part of the way that demonstrates their love for their husbands. When a wife initiates, it tells her husband "I love you so much that I want to be with you in the most intimate way possible". And to my understanding that means the world to the majority of husbands. Husbands need to know that they are wanted, and this is the major way to tell them that.

He also said there’s a difference between initiating and who is “in control” or on top I think he said. I guess I see the two synonymous and I can’t wrap my head around me initiating and him taking over.


From wife of SLS:
He is right; there is a difference between who initiates and who is "in control" in the marriage bed during love making. The best way to describe it is to give examples from our lives.

Initiating is the act of telling the other person you want sex. This can be done in words or with action that implies it. It could be you (or your husband) saying to your spouse "You look great today and I really want to make love with you". Or it can be action. It depends on the couple what actions are preferred and a turn on. When I want to initiate, I typically get really cuddly with DH and start kissing him all over. Another favorite for some couples is the wife will put on a very showy piece of clothing that is for her husband's eyes only. Initiating really is just a way of saying I want to make love to you.

Being in control is what happens after you get to the bedroom. The person in control is the one who is making the majority (not all) of the decisions on how the love making session proceeds (i.e. positions to use, who orgasms first, how long the session lasts, etc.).

Sometimes the same person who initiates is also in control during love making. Sometimes the other person is. For example, sometimes I'll be in a really lovey dovey mood, and I'll initiate by kissy hubby all over and telling him I want him. But when we get to the bedroom, I'll tone it down a bit and let him be in control and pick the positions, length of session, and so on. Sometimes he will initiate, but when we get to the bedroom, I'll get really into the mood and I will be in control. And of course sometimes the same person will initiate and be in control. There have been instances where I initiated and was in control, and there have been times when hubby initiated and was in control.

Both do take practice so don't feel bad if you are not perfect the first, second, or even the third time. :) Each time you will get a little better.

That’s why his compromise bothers me. Isn’t meeting together at church and learning more about God more important than having sex?


SLS again:

I think you are misinterpreting what I said. I didn't say that going to church is more important than having sex. You should do both (have sex and go to church) because it is what the Lord says you should do. It does not honor God if you go to church but ignore His design in the marriage bed. In the same way it does not honor God if you have sex but never go to church. Both are equally important. God wants all of our lives, not just parts.

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby Nova » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:26 pm

dftc wrote:He doesn’t really have to beg. I’m willing.

My wife doesn't have to beg for me to do the dishes. I'm willing to do the dishes, because I know it makes her happy. But it's still a chore. I don't actually like doing it. It's a sacrifice I make for her. Sex shouldn't be like that.

dftc wrote:I was taught by my mom that women are the ones who should be desired and chased after instead of vice versa. Although, my mom wasn’t the greatest teacher. She told me 2 things before I was married. #1..Don’t have sex until after I’m married. #2..Men always want sex and it’s something we just have to put up with from time to time. That was the extent of what I learned from her

If anyone should be banned from giving advice, it'd be your mother. I can't think of a worse way to start a marriage. If I were you, I'd unlearn that right now.

dftc wrote:I just don’t really know how to chase after him for sex to make him feel desired.

A huge part of it, honestly, is to learn to want it, and into let him know when you want it. And that you specifically want it from him. Tell him you're taking a shower, and he's invited. Heck, even just walking up behind him and grabbing his butt would send a positive message.

dftc wrote:I guess I don’t understand why he needs me to initiate when I don’t turn him down when he initiates.

Instead of trying to explain it, I'll just say that it's not necessary for you to understand why. At least not at first. It's sufficient for you to know that he does, and to make his needs a priority for you.
dftc wrote:I’m willing to have sex with him, I just am having a hard time getting over the fact that women can initiate too. As far as him wanting other positions with me on top, I just never can get used to that. Every time we have tried, I can’t get in the rhythm. The last time I mentioned that to him, he told me that I haven’t given it enough of a chance to learn the rhythm! It gets frustrating to me!

My wife knows that my favorite positions all have her on top, for one specific reason: her being on top means she's in control, which means she's engaged in the act and is actively participating, which is a big deal for a lot of men, for reasons that have been stated many times in this thread already.

dftc wrote:Isn’t meeting together at church and learning more about God more important than having sex?

I would actually disagree with that evaluation, especially for your specific situation. Church is not *as vital* for a Christian as sex is for a marriage. They're both important, but if we're saying one is more important than the other, a Christian can stay a Christian without a church. A marriage without sex will wither and die. And for what it's worth, the Bible spend much more time talking about how important sex is than it does talking about how important church attendance is.

dftc wrote:I am wondering if he’s even a Christian now. Shouldn’t he want to go to church if he is? I pointed that out to him one time and he got mad.

Yeah, no kidding. I would be upset if my wife challenged me like that, too.

I'm on my break at work, and I'm out of time. I'll return later to finish the post.

Edit: Finished going through the post:

dftc wrote:Maybe that’s why he gave up initiating? I think the frequency of 2+ times per week lasted about 4 months and then it was like he backed down. I figured he was satisfied with where things settled to until he started bringing it up again. I thought I had really changed and improved. It really upset me the first time he mentioned that things haven’t really changed. I felt like I couldn't measure up.

If I had to guess, I would say he was taking a step back to see if you would step in after him. When you didn't, he got frustrated and instead of opening up communication to find out what went wrong, he may have gotten emotional and lashed out. The fact of the matter is that the two of you had a lapse in communication, particularly regarding expectations, and that seems to be a developing pattern between you.

If I had to guess, I'd say that's a significant part of the underlying cause of your problems. Neither of you are effectively communicating your needs or expectations to each other, and instead you seem to be assuming a lot about each other (in particular, he needs to be much more vocal about his expectations than he has been thus far). If you two can find a good councilor, that may be a good option, since it can help facilitate effective communication between you.
Please don't think I'm being aggressive just because I use strong language. If I'm posting on your thread, it's because I care.

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby poetess » Wed Jun 28, 2017 6:39 pm

Nova said,

Church is not *as vital* for a Christian as sex is for a marriage. They're both important, but if we're saying one is more important than the other, a Christian can stay a Christian without a church. . . .


And a couple can be technically married (not divorced) without any sex at all. But Christians are part of the body of Christ (a corporate metaphor) and husband and wife are one flesh (a sexual metaphor). Christians are to come together with brothers and sisters to worship Christ, and husband and wife are to come together sexually. Neither is optional in any way, though yes, you technically can skip church without losing your salvation or say no to your spouse without initiating divorce. But neither is what God intended, any more than He intended us to exist without food.
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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby tjw » Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:18 am

dftc wrote:I really want to go to church with my husband. It has been a dream of mine since I was younger to have a husband that I could regularly talk about spiritual things and go to Sunday morning church and Sunday evening church and worship with me. I guess I could go by myself with my 2 daughters, but I really want him to go with us. I want him to be a good role model for our kids also.


OK, I accept that it's your "dream". That was true for my W too. In fact, that's the basic reason she married me, "IT" was her "dream" to have a "christian husband" who would be a "spiritual leader" (which meant, of course, dress up on Sunday morning and take her and the kids to church).

And, I now "get it". My wife married an "it", not a "me". That's why, when I was away on Sunday, she stayed home. The "IT" wasn't there.

Thanks for clarifying that.

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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby Unfulfilled » Thu Jun 29, 2017 10:25 am

Dftc;

You may be missing the point. Her explanation of her dream of having a husband who leads and comes to church is reasonable, admirable and understandable.

What she might be missing is the exact point her husband MAY be trying to make. Her husband also has a dream. A dream to have married a wife who actually desires and accepts him. And this dream and the way in which he values most is via the sexual relationship.

While she cannot understand how her husband says, or claims to love the Lord, and yet not want and desire to go to church, and to be with and close to God on a regular basis. To her it shows, or "proves" by his physical acfion and example, his love, acceptance and devotion to God. That is completely incongruent, illogical and unacceptable to her for him if he truly loves God to not WANT to go to church.

In the exact same way, her husband cannot understand how his wife says she loves him, yet doesn't want to make love to him on a regular basis. Genuinely wanting to make love is the luysical "proof" to him her love and acceptance and devotion to him. It is completely incongruent, illogical and unacceptable to him that if she truly loves him, to not WANT to initiate and have sex with him.

ghostrider
King bed
Posts: 440
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 12:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 30th, 2000
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Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby ghostrider » Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:08 pm

dftc wrote: I just don’t really know how to chase after him for sex to make him feel desired.



Watch some romantic movies made from about 1990 until present day and you should find several good examples of what it looks like.

There is probably nothing hotter to a man than a seductive woman who wants you, right here and right now. You are his wife, you pledged to live your lives together and love each other. Why would it be unreasonable or wrong to be that seductive woman for him?

jude700
Double
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Date of your marriage (past or future): April 19th, 1997
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Location: North central Illinois

Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby jude700 » Sat Jul 01, 2017 9:20 pm

A few points have been made.

My W complains about my failing to hold hands when we went out, especially to Mass. When we are home she finds multiple reasons to deny sex. Now with my advanced RA with a cane, sometimes her purse and her on oxygen due to COPD it is hard for us to hold hands sometimes. She will embrace me at home but fails - refuses to go further. She wants me to come to bed early but refuses to cuddle. Bed for her is for sleep.

As for getting in the rhythm, for me forget about it. Found it hard, really impossible, to stay in step when marching. Love dancing, would dance with my daughter, now in her 50s, and some of her friends would sometimes cut, some would join with us as my rhythm was still somewhat in time. At one time one of the female vocalists with a popular band of the 30s-early 60s would take me on the dance floor where we worked. The band leader died in 1963. The singer would tell me to use my hand at my partner's back to direct movements and demonstrated.

Will be 80 in October and would like to dance more like saw my grandparents do a few times with her feet in the air
He is risen!

farmer1
Twin size
Posts: 22
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Date of your marriage (past or future): December 28th, 1996
Gender: Male

Re: A trade off of going to church for sex???

Postby farmer1 » Fri Jul 14, 2017 1:24 pm

dftc wrote:I really want to go to church with my husband. It has been a dream of mine since I was younger to have a husband that I could regularly talk about spiritual things and go to Sunday morning church and Sunday evening church and worship with me.

There is nothing at all wrong with your dream. It is a blessing to actively attend church as a couple/family. That said, every man who loves his wife also has a dream that his wife will love and desire him enough to actively pursue him and engage in lovemaking. Look at your willingness as the bare minimum. Sure it's better than refusing and you are to be commended for making the change. Your husband was likely thrilled initially, but it's probably looking and feeling quite one sided to him now. I'm not suggesting that your pursuit of him or your desire levels should look like the typical man's. However, he will likely appreciate anything that shows you are being proactive with regards to your own sexuality.


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