Ladies - physical effects when you are left hanging

Any sexual problems or difficulties not listed in a specific section.
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marykc
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Ladies - physical effects when you are left hanging

Postby marykc » Sat Jul 22, 2017 10:30 am

Hi, I'm a newbie and have been lurking a few days... but I am ready to ask my first question.
Just wondering if any of you other ladies experience physically what I experience, or wondering if I'm just weird, lol!

When I am left hanging after reaching a high level of arousal, I feel a lot of physical discomfort internally, sometimes to the point of moderate pain, once LM is stopped. I feel as if my sexual organs stay engorged/swollen, and it does not subside easily. I feel physically sluggish the next day, and often feel "pulling" in my abdomen as I walk and move about.
This used to only be a problem after PIV that has been halted (first experience with this was in 1999, so this is not a recent development) - my O's from PIV have always been much more intense than the ones from OS and/or MS. But since LM has become sone infrequent it's started cropping up to a lesser extent when OS and MS are stopped.

If any of you ladies also experience this, how do you deal with the physical aspects if your DH is no longer interested in helping you finish (and it offends him to take care of your needs yourself)? Massaging my belly helps some with the initial pain and discomfort, but doesn't change the sluggishness, or the tenseness and "pulling" the next day.

In case a little background info would help:
- I am 51, DH is 58
- married 29 years
- 3 children (23, 25, 28 yrs)
- my uterus is tipped back
- menses slowed in 2009 and ceased in 2012, no other menopausal symptoms
- DH and I were evenly matched HD's the first 11 years of marriage, then he began experiencing occasional premature ejaculations - which increased in frequency over a couple of years... so, for the past 16 years DH has been gatekeeping/controlling
"What can I do, I'm into you up over my heart..."

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MayDayGirl
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Re: Ladies - physical effects when you are left hanging

Postby MayDayGirl » Sat Jul 22, 2017 11:10 am

Have you tried any sort of immediate exercise, like a quick jog around the block?

Honestly though, I think you need to either convince him to help you finish, or tell him you are going to finish yourself and he can either watch or not.

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marykc
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Re: Ladies - physical effects when you are left hanging

Postby marykc » Sat Jul 22, 2017 1:15 pm

Hmmm... hadn't thought of the exercise thing, it's uncomfortable to move for awhile at first. But worth a shot if he won't come around. Can't hurt to try. TY!

Any thoughts on convincing him to help me out? His main complaint is it takes too long... and TBH, his concentration is shot after he finishes therefore technique is pretty well shot, too.

I'm not sure I'm ready yet to hurt his feelings by handling it myself, I guess I'm worried that offending him will increase his gatekeeping tendencies.
"What can I do, I'm into you up over my heart..."

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SLS
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Re: Ladies - physical effects when you are left hanging

Postby SLS » Sat Jul 22, 2017 3:45 pm

marykconnie wrote:how do you deal with the physical aspects if your DH is no longer interested in helping you finish (and it offends him to take care of your needs yourself)?


marykconnie wrote:Any thoughts on convincing him to help me out? His main complaint is it takes too long... and TBH, his concentration is shot after he finishes therefore technique is pretty well shot, too.

I'm not sure I'm ready yet to hurt his feelings by handling it myself, I guess I'm worried that offending him will increase his gatekeeping tendencies.


I'm with MayDayGirl on this. Either your DH needs to finish you or he should be fine with you finishing yourself. Have you told him the amount of discomfort you feel when you don't have an O? Putting his ego ahead of your physical pleasure (as well as causing you physical pain) is very selfish.

Just out of curiosity how long is "too long" in his eyes? Generally when DW and I make love we have my O come first (it is more comfortable for DW this way) and then her O. Depending on DW's mood and other factors it can take anywhere from 10-30 minutes to get her ready for intercourse. Then after my O we have to stop (for BC reasons), which means it will take another 30 minutes or so of additional stimulation for her to have an O.

It is harder for a man to concentrate on sex after he has had his orgasm. The hormones running through us make us feel sleepy and fulfilled. That said it doesn't matter if I'm not "feeling it" anymore, I would never leave my wife hanging like that. If it ever becomes the case that my O makes me too groggy or otherwise unable to continue I would enthusiastically encourage my wife to finish herself. That is what a loving spouse does.

Communication is the first step to solving problems like this. Take some time (not during sex) to talk with your husband about the issues with y'all's sex life. Maybe he was brought up with misconceptions about how sex should work. Maybe he has some bad teaching about sex running around in his head. You won't know until you talk about it.

tjw
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Re: Ladies - physical effects when you are left hanging

Postby tjw » Sun Jul 23, 2017 5:36 am

I answered on your other thread, too. I have a suggestion for you, if this would be in the truthful realm for you: (if it isn't, just ignore me)

Tell your DH that if he gives you your orgasm first, then does PIV with you afterward, that your fulfillment will be complete. And, that it won't matter if he ejaculates quickly THEN. You will be completely satisfied and all your "expectations" will be met.

This will most likely take some time, in which you may have to say this again, and maybe a few times. Like Dr. Phil says, if you want us men to "connect the dots", you have to use big dots, with low numbers :0

It will also take some time for him to "unlearn" his current approach, but don't move the target. You will have given him a basis for him to feel "successful" which he probably can figure out how to do.

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marykc
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Re: Ladies - physical effects when you are left hanging

Postby marykc » Sun Jul 23, 2017 6:56 am

Trying to figure out the quote thing, but haven't got it yet, lol...

SLS:
Yes, DH is aware of my discomfort/pain.
As far as "too long," once I reach that point of arousal MS to O takes 15 minutes tops, 10 minutes is the norm due to "stopping and re-starting."

TJW:
I will consider this, or similar statement. Saying my fulfillment would be complete would be stretching the truth a little TBH. But I could honestly say that I'm okay with things happening that way.

TY
"What can I do, I'm into you up over my heart..."

tjw
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Re: Ladies - physical effects when you are left hanging

Postby tjw » Sun Jul 23, 2017 7:14 am

Good for you ! I "get it". My language about "complete fulfillment" was a bit hyperbolic.

But it's sorta like taking a guy who works 50 hours a week to earn 60k a year. If you want his paycheck to go up, you have to tell him that you'll be ecstatic with 70k. This puts it into the "doable" arena. However, if you tell him you won't be happy unless it's 120k ? Fuhgetaboudit.... he won't even try..... he'll go away completely demoralized.....

Praise him for whatever you can possibly see as "effort" toward the goal, even if it's only a teaspoonful.

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Nvr2Late
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Re: Ladies - physical effects when you are left hanging

Postby Nvr2Late » Tue Jul 25, 2017 1:29 pm

You have my sympathies. I don't think I feel quite as physically uncomfortable as you do, but a lot of my internal parts are gone now. I remember the sensation though. And still to this day, the feeling of engorgement (have you ever seen how large the internal clitoris IS? Wow) if I do not finish is pretty unpleasant. So...

We have a rule in our MB: she comes first :D

First off, I do not O from PIV. I need manual or oral stimulation to reach climax before we start, or a lot of manual during PIV.
Second, he has PE most of the time, so even when I am very close to O from manual stimulation, it's very difficult for me to O with him inside no matter how fast we move.
Third, I'm quirky in that when he has no erection, I sort of lose interest for the most part unless I am very far along in arousal. IOW, when he's done, I usually am too. His arousal drives my own.

I am blessed in that my DH derives a great deal of pleasure and pride in getting me to climax. So this solution has worked out well for us. Everyone is different, but if you are open to trying various remedies, you probably can work this out. I sure hope you can.
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How we handle our spouse's shortcomings reveals more about our own character than theirs. * I’ve already told you more than I know.


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