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Future Husband is Significantly Older

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin?
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futuremrsp
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Re: Future Husband is Significantly Older

Post by futuremrsp »

@LBD,

My parents were apprehensive in the beginning but all 4 of us have sat down and had the tough conversations. We had these conversations before getting engaged.  My parents now are fully supportive of our relationship. We've even sat down with his parents who are in their mid 80's who were supportive and happy...and then together walked through their deaths. He's had colonoscopies and I took him even before we were engaged.  I've had minor procedures and he's been there for me.  We both have had friends talk to us individually and as a couple; it was the inquisition for awhile until everyone saw our relationship is God ordained.

I asked the divorce questions on our first date. I wanted to know straight up what had happened because there are two sides to every story and people are sinful. I also wanted to know the reason for divorce and she did commit adultery but, he fought for his marriage and he did not want the divorce. Also been confirmed by outside friends that witnessed that time in his life.  He is honorable.  After the divorce question, we talked about marriage because I did not want to pursue a relationship if that wasn't even an option.  I also know he's only had sex with his ex and that was only when they were married.

I know our relationship is unconventional but we are trying to go in with eyes wide open. It's the detailed questions about his past sex life that I need to ask now.

@SeekingChange,

I was completely content, working a relatively new job, plugged in at church and then BAM! I met FH one day and heard him pray, and he took my breath away. My heart stopped for a split second and I thought "Who is that guy because that's who I want to lead me spiritually for the rest of my life." So it's been God putting us together from day 1.  I wasn't looking and FH wasn't looking, we both were content with our singleness and searching ways to serve God as a single person.

Communication is very strong. We have married friends that say they don't talk as much as we do.  It's just the detailed sexual questions that we need to hash out.  FH is honorable and chivalrous to a fault almost, it took until we were almost engaged before we hung out at his home without a chaperone.  I think I need to find a neutral ground, a park or somewhat secluded public space to discuss sexual questions.  There is no problem making out, but he is very protective of the purity in our relationship.  And it also sets an example for his son who is 18.

I know we could only have 20 or 30 years, but I'd rather have those years than nothing at all.  I love him so much that it feels like my heart is breaking because it can't hold that much...does that make sense? LOL I feel like I'm crazy sometimes.

 

I don't remember who asked about how we handle conflict. We've had fights, some petty and some major. But when we're irritated with the other we make the time to stop and ask, "What's going on? We need to air this out now...not later." We really do, because he made a point that his ex never wanted to do that.  We're learning how to fight fair and how to fight well.  I know if he's not being completely honest and he can tell when I'm holding back.
LBD
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Re: Future Husband is Significantly Older

Post by LBD »

You’ve ask the hard questions. I imagine he’s as apprehensive about the sex issue as you are. Find the right time and just spill your worries. You’ll figure it out.
Good luck and God bless you both.
It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
::dog
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Oldbear
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Re: Future Husband is Significantly Older

Post by Oldbear »

As I read your OP and set of questions, the first thing that came to mind to ask is, ‘Are you doing couples marriage counseling with a pastor (trained and experienced)?’ Then I saw your post indicating that are doing so. In my experience, it’s essential to cover all areas of married life with a skilled practitioner. Your age difference, the fact of your FH being a divorced man with children, and you entering marriage as a virgin (hurray for you!) are extremely important reasons to throughly counsel. In particular, your questions about sexual intimacy, expectations, ability perform etc. MUST be discussed. Awkward perhaps, yet very important.
MoreBlessed
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Re: Future Husband is Significantly Older

Post by MoreBlessed »

I can not address the issue of age difference but I can offer you my story, of one man and one woman. I have been married for less than a year to a man who lost his wife 18 years ago. I was a recent widow so I was worried I would compare him to my first husband. That has not been the case because our marriage bed is very, very different. He was worried about performing after so many years but it all came back, of course, like riding a bike. Plus no two people are the same. He experiences all new sensations with me and I experience all new sensations with him. It’s glorious!!!

I agree with others about counseling and books. We did several including Saving Your Second Marriage.

We are in our late 50’s and we ML as often as we possibly can! Every morning, every night and whenever we can sneak away in the afternoon without raising suspicion in my teen and young adult children. Recently we have occasionally been skipping evenings in favor of more sleep and he had some health concerns that meant we had to skip a few sessions. We can see things are waning a bit but that seems normal. BTW, I was NOT a HD spouse in my first marriage, but he was. This HD stuff is new to me!

He struggles with maintaining an erection if he’s tired but with additional encouragement he usually gets hard again. The best part (for me) is that it takes a lot of stimulation for him to climax so I get tons of Os during our sessions! I never Od during PIV in my first marriage but this time it occurs regularly because he can go forever. Because he doesn’t O every time we ML he is eager to go again later. Great for me but a challenge for him. He Os about every other day on average. (about 1 in 3 sessions). We don’t know how much this is related to age and how much is his past porn use before we got together since he trained his brain to visual stimulus and to his own hand. It takes time to retrain but he does not struggle as much because we have created more and more memories and experiences together that he can envision instead of old porn pictures.

I just wanted to share this with you because everyone is SO different! Every marriage is SO different, even if it involves the same partner. We are not the same person we were years ago and we behave differently with a new partner. Definitely have the conversations (with counselors as needed) and then vow to work on your marriage to create something that will bring glory to God! It can be amazing with two people who are loving, kind, patient, and all those other 1 Cor 13 adjectives!!!
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Duchess
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Re: Future Husband is Significantly Older

Post by Duchess »

@futuremrsp, your story sounds like a Hallmark movie! I'm a little late to this question, but wanted to chime in anyway. From what you say--and only you know if you are telling it plain and unvarnished or Pinterest-style--you certainly seem to have covered every aspect except the sex questions you, quite naturally as a virgin, have. Since he was also a virgin the first time he married, he will certainly understand your uncertainty and desire to know what to expect. You know in the depths of your soul that God has put you together; therefore simply asking your questions isn't likely to tear you apart. Just go for a walk or a ride (often side-by-side conversation can be more comfortable than face-to-face when it is something awkward or difficult) and open your heart. If he loves you like you have said (and I don't doubt you), then he will be glad to put your mind at ease by sharing whatever you want to know.
futuremrsp
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Re: Future Husband is Significantly Older

Post by futuremrsp »

Thank you all for the wisdom and encouragement! We had an open and honest discussion on all things sex. I was able to ask all of my questions and even calmed some of his anxieties.

We had a fairytale wedding and exhilarating honeymoon. Amazing to see how God designed sex to unite a couple.

And...I’m 6 weeks pregnant!!! DH, (then FH), had decided we would not have children and chose a vasectomy for permanent birth control. We were at the appointment, I was in the waiting room while he had the procedure. 15 minutes later he came out with tears just streaming down his face. He knelt in front of me and just said there was no peace and couldn’t go through with it. So we now have an almost honeymoon baby on board...who we already love immensely ☺️

My stepson is excited about a sibling but so totally weirded out his Dad had/has sex! 😂 And enters the house with his eyes closed after walking in on a few make-out sessions.

No boundaries is AMAZING!!!!
HerKnight
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Re: Future Husband is Significantly Older

Post by HerKnight »

Congratulations! ::praise
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Future Husband is Significantly Older

Post by newwifenewlife »

Congrats on the pregnancy and thank you for the follow-up post & update. It's nice to hear some of "the rest of the story". I pray God will continue to bless you as you seek and serve Him individually and as a couple!
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