Question about previous abusive relationship

How does past rape, molesting, or other sexual abuse effect future marriage?
mamame
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Re: Question about previous abusive relationship

Postby mamame » Thu Oct 25, 2012 7:16 pm

I don't think my DH needs to know all the details of my abuse. I don't want those pictures in his head. He knows it happened. He knows there are triggers. We talk about them. But we don't go into a lot of detail.

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robin
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Re: Question about previous abusive relationship

Postby robin » Thu Oct 25, 2012 8:34 pm

mamame wrote:I don't think my DH needs to know all the details of my abuse. I don't want those pictures in his head. He knows it happened. He knows there are triggers. We talk about them. But we don't go into a lot of detail.

************
Why yes, I do post from my phone. How could you tell?


Oh I totally agree on the nitty gritty details part. I am equally protective of what pictures are in my dh's head of me. But a general "I have abuse in my background, because of it I might react badly if you do x. Please understand it has nothing to do with you." is important. Otherwise the fallout just spreads.
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AnotherThor

Re: Question about previous abusive relationship

Postby AnotherThor » Fri Oct 26, 2012 7:38 am

kath2play wrote:I think you should just keep that between you and God unless you think he really needs to know or you think it will make you feel better. You need to do what will make you happy. Some things are better left insaid


I also very strongly disagree. My story is very similar to Yank's except we went 29 years of marriage before she told me. During that time I was abused by her. She watched me struggle, she watched me go to therapy, she refused marriage therapy. She let me believe I was repulsive to her. Our children were emotionally abused by the fallout. The whole time only she knew the truth. Only she had the key to starting the healing for all of us.

The CSA survivor cannot seal it all up in a compartment. That is what my wife believed she had done, but the toxic residue leaked out all over everybody else around her.

I have posted a bit here on this forum before about my perspective. As a spouse, I believe I have the right to know all things which may in any way impact my marriage, my family, and my own life. And vice versa my wife has the right to know all about my past.

I believe that there is no place for secrets in a marriage. Privacy is ok, but not secrets. Therefore the future spouse must be told of the existence of the abuse, but the survivor does have the right to not tell all of the details.

mamame
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
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Re: Question about previous abusive relationship

Postby mamame » Fri Oct 26, 2012 10:23 am

Ok if we go back to the original posts in this thread, she had already disclosed the abuse. She was asking how much detail.

I'm not sure which way the poster that revived thus thread meant their post, so in going to default back to the original.

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