need some advice....

How does past rape, molesting, or other sexual abuse effect future marriage?
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Joined: Sun Jun 04, 2006 4:51 pm

need some advice....

Postby wodjos » Sun Sep 16, 2012 3:54 pm

My wife and i have been married for nearly 6 years and have been together for over 10. We have a loving relationship that is based on christ like service and trying to care for one another. God has blessed us with 2 beautiful girls (2 and 4 months) and they have enriched our lives wonderfully.

Depsite this pcture sounding rosey, there have been challenges. When we first met i was 19 and my wife was 16 and a half. Because of this my church threw me out of all of the ministry i was engaging in and i became bitter at the church, my relationship with God remained strong but i had no stomach for organised christianity.

After about 6 months of a long distance relationship, i moved to live near my now wife. We began sexual exploration, and after about 7 months we began having sex. At the time we both felt guilty and knew we were sinning, but with no faith in a supportive christian network, we began having sex regularly. For the next 3 years although not married, we had a great sex life, my wife at that time was sexually charged and we often had sex twice per day.

We became engaged 12 months before we were married and stopped having sex, as we both felt that God wanted us to try to be abstinent for this period. It was extremely difficult and although we came very close to having sex we did not cave, and this made our wedding night something i will never forget.

During the first 2 years of our marriage our sex life was good, although it was not as viviacious as before we were married. Both of my parents died in 2007 and 2008, and we had moved to live near them to care for them. My wife was a long way away from home and became depressed. She did not want to kiss me, nor did i feel she was offering her body to me in whole. Despite this, she often stayed up later than me and would come to bed and initiate hot and steamy intercourse.
In 2008 i found out during this depression that she had been chatting to men online and had also webcammed picutres of her vagina and breasts to some men. I was completely gutted.
Over the next few months she tried hard to stop, but it was very difficult. She was isolated and lonely and i felt like i was losing her. One night she burst into tears and said she didnt love me and wanted to go home and felt that we might not ever get back together. My mum was very sick and i was a coomplete mess. She went home for about 3 months and she showed some signs of healing, so we decided to go on a holiday we had planned for about 6 months.

On the holiday, we began having sex again. she told me she loved me and that she had been clouded by depression, that because she had felt so awful, that she had lied to hereself that our relationship was the problem.
Later in the holiday, she told me that just prior to going on the holiday, she had gone out with friends and taken a small amount of ecstacy. Something she had never done beofre, nor wanted to. It was extremely out of character. She said that when she got home 2 men had come into her unit with her. She didnt know them and was heavily under the effects of drugs.
She had sex with both of them, and when she woke up in the morning felt violated. She does not feel it was consentual.
Obviously this broke me, but in some ways i felt relieved. We talked about what happened extensively, but as my wife felt that she had probably agreed to have sex with them under duress, didnt seek any legal advice.
We came home from the holiday feeling like we had a new start but also had a lot of healing to do.

It took me a long time to get past the constant feelings of paranoia, she gave me access to all her accounts and she has been faithful to her promise when she recommitted herself to me.

We now have a beautiful relationship, my wife is happy and we are living back in her area of choice.

However, since the incident occured, my wife has really struggled sexually. We have sex maybe once in 2 weeks. She likes to keep it clinical and feels uncomfortable with foreplay. She rarely kisses me beyond a peck, although she loves to be snuggled in bed. She feels awuful about it, and wants desperately to return to a more healthy sex life.
We pray about it constantly, but nothing seems to change. She says it feels weird and gross and that she has forgotten how to be intimate during foreplay
Once we are having sex, she enjoys it. She has an orgasm every time, and when i am inside her i feel like the world has stopped spinning. I have a high sex drive and it is a constant temptation not to turn to other methods of sexual gratification.

I would appreciate any help anyone could offer.............
I dont know what to do. I feel like spiritually and emotionally our relationship is so healthy, but physically we are at loggerheads.

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Under the stars
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Date of your marriage (past or future): February 19th, 2005
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need some advice....

Postby Dgenerous » Sun Sep 16, 2012 5:00 pm

You might pm a moderator and ask that your post be moved to the married section. I don't have any advice at the moment, but I'm confident that those wiser than I will be able to find you more easily there.

Welcome to TMB.
I have found the one whom my soul loves.

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Joined: Tue May 24, 2011 11:10 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 28th, 1994
Gender: Female

need some advice....

Postby Sas » Sun Sep 16, 2012 5:16 pm

This really sounds like a situation for a counselor. There is much here that needs to be dealt with even though you are in a better place.

Are you involved in a church that could help you? Have any good Christian friends you could confide in to get help?

Welcome, I'm sure there are others who can help here as well!
The poster previously known as Savedandsexy :mrgreen:


Re: need some advice....

Postby Arogen » Sun Sep 16, 2012 5:43 pm

You both need spiritual and marriage counseling. Find a church that has a healthy view of married sex and forgiveness, where you feel the spirit of God when you walk into the place. Get your spiritual counseling there and recommendations for a good marriage counselor. Sin is a barrier to relationships if left unresolved.

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Re: need some advice....

Postby mamame » Mon Sep 17, 2012 7:19 am

It sounds like she's trying to figure put how to be sexual that doesn't include any of the things she did before.

She feels shame over her actions and when she starts to be aroused, she is reminded of that shame.

Why yes, I do post from my phone. How could you tell?

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