I don't know how to tell him...

How does past rape, molesting, or other sexual abuse effect future marriage?
MrsEchols
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I don't know how to tell him...

Postby MrsEchols » Wed Jul 10, 2013 9:24 pm

In my past I dated a guy and we were in a very serious relationship. We were not officially engaged but we had picked out our rings and he had talked to my dad about marrying me. I thought I was in love with him. He was in Seminary and wanted to become a pastor. I was a virgin and had really never had any relationship before. He told me that he wanted to save our first kiss for our wedding and I really appreciated that. I felt like he respected me and he would always treat me right. As we continued dating he eventually wanted more and more physical things. He wanted to touch me in places I was uncomfortable with and do things I didn't think were ok. I always said no and he would keep pushing. I would tell him he was going too far and he would apologize and promise me it would never happen again. And it always happened again, and each time he would go even farther and I would tell him to stop and he wouldn't stop. He would say things like "if you love me you will let me touch ..., or do ..." or "we will be married anyway, why does it matter if we do ... now." I broke up with him of course because obviously he wasn't treating me right. I

I'm not sure how to tell FH about this. I don't even know if I'm a virgin anymore. I guess it depends on your definition. Even though I was always the one saying no, I feel like I should have broken up with him long before I did. Every time he would push me farther I felt so guilty and I believed him when he said he wouldn't do it again because I loved him, or I thought I did anyway.

I know FH will be understanding because he always is. I still get Facebook messages and texts from this guy telling me he is in love with me and he wants another chance. I have blocked him many times but he just keeps making new accounts. I really want FH to know about this so he can protect me if this guy ever shows up at my house. But I don't want him to be nervous about an ex sending me love messages. Honestly, just hearing his name or seeing his picture makes me want to throw up thinking about how he was.

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padsnd
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Re: I don't know how to tell him...

Postby padsnd » Thu Jul 11, 2013 5:38 am

MrsEchols wrote:In my past I dated a guy and we were in a very serious relationship. We were not officially engaged but we had picked out our rings and he had talked to my dad about marrying me. I thought I was in love with him. He was in Seminary and wanted to become a pastor. I was a virgin and had really never had any relationship before. He told me that he wanted to save our first kiss for our wedding and I really appreciated that. I felt like he respected me and he would always treat me right. As we continued dating he eventually wanted more and more physical things. He wanted to touch me in places I was uncomfortable with and do things I didn't think were ok. I always said no and he would keep pushing. I would tell him he was going too far and he would apologize and promise me it would never happen again. And it always happened again, and each time he would go even farther and I would tell him to stop and he wouldn't stop. He would say things like "if you love me you will let me touch ..., or do ..." or "we will be married anyway, why does it matter if we do ... now." I broke up with him of course because obviously he wasn't treating me right. I

I'm not sure how to tell FH about this. I don't even know if I'm a virgin anymore. I guess it depends on your definition. Even though I was always the one saying no, I feel like I should have broken up with him long before I did. Every time he would push me farther I felt so guilty and I believed him when he said he wouldn't do it again because I loved him, or I thought I did anyway.

I know FH will be understanding because he always is. I still get Facebook messages and texts from this guy telling me he is in love with me and he wants another chance. I have blocked him many times but he just keeps making new accounts. I really want FH to know about this so he can protect me if this guy ever shows up at my house. But I don't want him to be nervous about an ex sending me love messages. Honestly, just hearing his name or seeing his picture makes me want to throw up thinking about how he was.


I would recommend sharing what you did here. It sounds like you found a good man. Based on that, he will likely want to know and be supportive/protective. Yes, you may have been wrong for not calling it off sooner, We all have things we do that we regret. That is why we need a savior. A person who has an issue with that isn't a good candidate for a spouse.

I would caution you on one front: Be intentional about addressing this in your marriage. If there are struggles with it, seek help quickly. He may see this as a small wound, but the real wound will be if he perceives that you hold back from him after marriage. It is very hard to accept (understand/etc.) a person holding back from a loving spouse after being even unwillingly but passively accepting of a non-loving non-spouse.
Last edited by padsnd on Thu Jul 11, 2013 5:55 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Job29Man
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Re: I don't know how to tell him...

Postby Job29Man » Thu Jul 11, 2013 5:42 am

Yes, you should just tell FH about all this history straight away, and hold nothing back.
Then let FH know that this guy is stalking you on Facebook. I think a phone call from FH to ex-boyfriend should suffice to warn him off. If it doesn't, then a call to the police about a police visit or restraining order may be in order.
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Re: I don't know how to tell him...

Postby Kilarin » Thu Jul 11, 2013 7:07 am

MrsEchols wrote:I'm not sure how to tell FH about this.

By all means tell your future husband about this! And if the man doesn't stop bothering you, tell the police!

MrsEchols wrote:I don't even know if I'm a virgin anymore. I guess it depends on your definition.

Whatever mistakes you made in the past, they are in the past. Let your future husband know about them, of course. Then accept that God has forgiven you, and cleansed you, and has the power to overcome ANY difficulties in your life!

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TheHubby
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Re: I don't know how to tell him...

Postby TheHubby » Thu Oct 24, 2013 1:38 pm

Tell him. It's been a lot easier to deal with my current marriage issues (not implying it will happen to you) finally knowing about all of the evil that was my wife's past. It's made things make sense for me and gave me peace that I wasn't the problem. It will be hard to tell him but both of you will feel better after.

You are not broken, you are not ruined.

Ephesians 5: 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
This too shall pass...
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Re: I don't know how to tell him...

Postby C_Brown » Thu Oct 24, 2013 10:37 pm

I can't stress how important it is that you tell your FH about this before the marriage. The sooner the better. There should be no nasty surprises after the wedding, nothing left unsaid that that could potentially leave him feeling like he was tricked or manipulated into the marriage by not being told beforehand. I know a woman who kept a secret kind of like that and when her husband found out it created a wound that I think still is not fully healed.

He also is taking on the job of being your protector and needs to know about this threat, and this guy IS a threat by the sounds of it. He is stalking you and it may be wise to look into what you can do legally to get him to leave you alone. Reading between the lines you may have grounds to have him charged with rape even. I also recomend getting some professional counseling for yourself. You may find that when your husband approaches you sexually it triggers the feeling you had about him when he abused you, and you dont' want to link your husband and your marriage bed to those feelings.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)


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