Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

How does past rape, molesting, or other sexual abuse effect future marriage?
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Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby medic fiance » Thu Jan 29, 2015 1:51 pm

I am 21 and getting married this summer- so I decided to go the gynecologist (I'm supposed to go anyways by now). Well, the doctor tried to put in the speculum and it was incredibly painful and so bad that they couldn't finish the exam. After he couldn't get the speculum in the doctor told me he didn't know how I would be able to have sex on my wedding night.

Growing up my dad touched me inappropriately once but would then try to bring up personal/inappropriate subjects with me when I was a teenager that were very upsetting (my fiance is my first boyfriend and I didn't even have guy friends in high school so it wasn't anything to do with that; it was more like demanding to know when my period was and looking through the waste basket to check up on me). I was kind of guessing he would try hurt me again before I turned 18 and so I got away and social services kept an eye on him so nothing would happen.

I am wondering if my reason for having so much pain was because I was just too nervous or tensing up or something because that would be my body's natural response to a stranger (especially because the gyn was a male doctor).
But now I am really concerned because if they couldn't get a speculum in what in the world am I going to do when I get married? I don't want to deprive my fiance of an enjoyable honeymoon. My hope is that because I trust him it won't be the same reaction as with the speculum in the gyn office. But I don't know and it kind of worries me. What should I do?

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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby mamame » Thu Jan 29, 2015 1:59 pm

First of all, does your fiance know about all of this?

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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby medic fiance » Thu Jan 29, 2015 2:28 pm

Yes, he does, and he's really sympathetic and understanding. It was actually his idea for me to post my question here. Because it's something that worries me and this is a Christian forum.

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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Jan 29, 2015 3:03 pm

I don't have experience in this so take what I say lightly... but I have seen in other places on here the recommendation of using some dilators. Also, have you tried some "self exploring"? Try to see what you can do yourself. Insert your own finger while practicing to relax.

ETA: By the way, Welcome! I am assuming you're the fiance of the "medic" that has been posting himself. It's good for you guys to both be here, learning each other, learning to communicate, getting on the same page, and hopefully even finding some wisdom and accountability as you share.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby medic fiance » Thu Jan 29, 2015 4:02 pm

Yes, I am "medic's" fiance!! Thank you for the suggestion...I found a good website that is for medical stuff (so no inappropriate content) that has dilators for women who couldn't go through with a gyn exam.

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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby txtwindad » Thu Jan 29, 2015 4:55 pm

Hey, I've never had a gyno exam (of course). But there is a huge difference between a cold, hard, metal speculum and an erect penis. Don't panic, this doesn't have to mean anything at all. It sounds like you gyno was kind of frustrated and said something off the cuff. Work with the dilators and see how it goes. And try to relax. If there really is a problem you guys can deal with it. Better to know before the wedding and start working to correct any problem.
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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby poetess » Thu Jan 29, 2015 6:11 pm

I definitely remember my first gyno visit (in my 20s). I told the doctor I was a virgin and had never even used a tampon, and he chose the smallest (child-size) speculum. But it hurt horribly, and he kept telling me, "Not much longer . . . I'm almost done." Still, I resolved not to have another pap smear (as a virgin it wasn't an urgent need anyway), and I didn't, until medical necessity 20 years later prompted another.

Sex is not like a pap smear.

I was, however, tight, and I had heard to prepare myself by stretching. The one point that unfortunately no one told me: Try to get aroused first. Sometimes the stretching exercises met with success and sometimes they didn't, and I know now it wasn't my hymen that was the problem, but muscular resistance. We didn't get "all the way in" on our wedding night, but I suspect we might have if I had known enough to seek arousal before doing the exercises. I did manage to stretch a bit, but I also "trained" my body to resist, and that could have been pretty bad except that I have a husband who is super gentle and patient, and who willingly considered the stretching himself.

So relax, put on soft music, use lube, explore your body a bit, use more lube, and stretch a bit. And know that gyno exams are nothing at all like making love with your husband.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby TheTigress » Fri Jan 30, 2015 12:18 am

Can I just say I'm so sorry about everything that's happened with you? I suffered CSA from a non-family member as a pre-teen. I had horrible Gyn visits prior to marriage. This worried me as well. I had the same thought process as you. If I can't do this without extreme pain how can I have sex? However after reading here and also reading "Getting your sex life off to a great start" I decided to do some self-exploration and stretching. I also did Kegel exercises to help me learn how to relax my vaginal muscles.

I'd also like to second the sentiment that a vaginal exam is nothing like sex. Sex is making love! A vaginal exam is cold and sterilized, your body isn't prepared to receive anything, etc. I had painful gyn exams but no pain only slight resistance on my wedding night.

On your wedding night make sure you are thoroughly aroused and use plenty of lube! I had no clue what that meant as a virgin so I will elaborate a bit for you. Kiss, play, full-body massage, whatever touch makes you excited do it! Talk, laugh, snuggle. The more aroused you are the more prepared your body will be to receive your husbands penis. You vagina will lubricate, and expand. As to the lube either you or your husband put some on your fingers and rub on your labia, vulva, vaginal entrance until you can slide your fingers across your vaginal area with no resistance.

The self-exploration will help you feel more confident and will let you know what turns you on. This will be helpful in the getting aroused stage on your wedding night!

Also have you been to counseling for your Sexual Abuse?
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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby Mrs Weller » Fri Jan 30, 2015 5:36 am

Having had more than my fair share of Smear tests I can safely say that they never get particularly comfortable. Next time ask if they have a plastic speculum as it is a bit more comfortable and is a better temperature. The metal ones tend to be too cold if they don't warm it or too warm if they do warm it. ether way it's not fun and difficult to relax.

TheTigress wrote:I'd also like to second the sentiment that a vaginal exam is nothing like sex. Sex is making love! A vaginal exam is cold and sterilized, your body isn't prepared to receive anything, etc.
Amen to that one.
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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby medic fiance » Fri Jan 30, 2015 10:12 pm

Thank you for the reassurance and advice. I feel better, I think things will be okay. I did go to counseling for ten years for being abused and it really, really helped me to be able to trust someone enough to even date my now fiance, I am so thankful I was able to work through that.

My only concern is that I want to get an IUD put in for birth control...and I mean I have a few more months before needing to have it put in (to give it a month to settle afterwards) but I don't know if they can get one in. The doctor handed me a prescription for LoEstrin aka pills but will they ruin wanting to "be with" my husband?

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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby TheTigress » Fri Jan 30, 2015 10:24 pm

It's possible that BC pills can lower your libido. However it's different for everyone. Some see no decline or changes. I actually have an increase in libido on the pills however this is not a common response as I understand.

Most members here attribute IUDs to being an abortive birth control option. As I think most evangelical circles do. The IUD doesn't just block sperm but also blocks a fertilized egg from implanting into the uterus. There are tons of options out there for BC other than an IUD and pills. Such as a diaphragm, condoms, female condoms, FAM, pull-out method, etc.
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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby medic fiance » Fri Jan 30, 2015 11:56 pm

Oh, I had no idea...that never came up in my research..even on Christian websites. Of course life is sacred and perhaps that was God's way of telling me not to do that (although i suppose I could have gone and had it pulled out once I found that out). I would have had four months before any chance of that anyways ;)

I guess I will take the pill and pray pray pray that it won't have any affect on me....I won't really know until I get married so I guess we'll see.

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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby TheTigress » Sat Jan 31, 2015 12:39 am

You could also look into other options! Those who it does effect in libido it seems that it is hard to correct after coming of the BC pill. You have some time. If I were you I would do some research into alternatives that dont include hormones before starting the pill. You only need to be on it one month before being able to have unprotected sex.

Personally I have to be on hormonal BC pills because I form ovarian cysts and the pill helps regulate my cycle and prevent the cysts from forming.

If not I would probably use FAM or possibly a diaphram.
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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby InGodsGrace » Sat Jan 31, 2015 7:16 am

As with IUDs many here (and myself included) don't like BCP beccause of the abortificants. One of the ways BCP work is that they will prevent implantation of a fertilized egg by creating an inhospitable environment.

Eta: I have many female issues and cannot use ANY hormones, I've a blood clotting disorder.

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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby Medic » Sat Jan 31, 2015 12:04 pm

I was hoping to stay out of this :mrgreen:

I guess I would would like to ask to clarify?

I am the one who heard about the Mirena IUD. I work directly under a doctor who practiced as an OB/GYN for 20-30 years She is very well known in the area. She highly recommended Mirena. She said she trusted it more than if patient has had their tubes tied. I have seen her use this standard to a point of liability even! All of her adult daughters use this IUD. She said there are virtually no complications or side effects with the exception of irregular bleeding and periods for the first months (for some women). That being said the person I trust most with this sort of thing says it is the best. I am not saying I know a lot.. I don't. I am male :roll: :mrgreen: :oops:

However being "good" at what it does is not the same as ethical or moral.

I am of the pro-life persuasion and believe that life begins at conception, but I am not quite sure how the Mirena would go against that? From my understanding it destroys the egg cell and sperm cell before they have the chance to meet up. Which would be before conception. From my perspective I do not see a problem in that, as sperm cells and egg cells die anytime they do join to become a human embryo regardless of the actions someone takes be it virginity or using condoms. I could be wrong on this and feel free to inform me otherwise :-)

IMO it is all up to the shiela though... I am merely the moral support in this area...

Thanks!
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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby mamame » Sat Jan 31, 2015 2:44 pm

Iud either work via hormones with the same problems as the pill, and/or by irritating the lining of the uterus so that a fertilized egg can't implant.
This is also one if the mechanisms of action of the pill. It makes the uterine lining too thin to support implantation.
No method of birth control that I can think of destroy the sperm or egg. There is some thought that the copper iud interferes with sperm.
If a pregnancy were to happen with an iud in place, I don't think you can just have it removed without jeopardizing the pregnancy. It is also very unlikely tio carry a pregnancy to viability with it in place. I doo believe it has been documented tho.

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Re: Failed Gyn Visit/Abuse in Past

Postby mamame » Sat Jan 31, 2015 2:51 pm

I would really caution you about taking any kind of hormonal birth control. You have already identified potential challenges to your arousal and marriage bed (and I think you are way ahead of the game by acknowledging and asking)
I would be hesitant to add anything that might make it more difficult.
I have also had some bad gyn experiences before I found my amazing doc. They use a child size speculum on me and it's still uncomfortable. I'm unable to wear certain brands of tampons even. I've never had any issues with my husband tho!
If it turns out that you do - focus on other sex besides PIV and we will help you figure it out.
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