New to TMB? - Read This

Rules and guidelines, and how to do things. Have a question about how the boards work? Here's an answer.
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padsnd
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New to TMB? - Read This

Postby padsnd » Wed Nov 23, 2011 8:39 am

I thought it might be good to start a thread with some advice for people who are new to TMB. Many come here and immediately throw themselves into discussions that have been going on for years. Often, they read a single post by one person and go off on them without knowing the background story. We have posts giving Guidlines, How to Use the Boards from a technical standpoint, etc. But, I am unaware of a single thread that summarizes everything for the newcomer. So, I hope others who have been on TMB for a long time will join me in giving some advice about the boards.

Why do people come to TMB boards?

People come for all kinds of reasons. There are those who have a minor struggle they are currently going through. There are those who have been dealing with sin by one or both spouses. There are those who have been in years of refusal by their spouse or by themselves. There are those who have been abused and are struggling. There are those who come to share advice. There are those who have an agenda (see "One-Trick Pony"). As with any communication, it's important to consider the background of those who are here.

Special Sections

  • Those who say (or said) no
    • Special Forum Rule: This is not a place for condemnation, judgment, or correction. This is a place to vent, to share, and to heal. Those who are "refused" should not post here.
    • Many of those who post in this section have dealt with unimaginable things. Those things do not make their refusal justified, but it does make it understandable. For those who are refused, it's best to let those who have said no address questions. There are many on TMB who have dealt with the pain these people endure/endured and will guide them into understanding that their pain isn't cause to repay evil for evil.
  • Sexually Refused
    • Special Forum Rule: This section is for those who are refused. This section is NOT for a debate about if refusal is wrong. This is not a place for those who say no to argue their case.
    • The rule states that this is not a place for those who say no to argue their case. The implication here is that those who are currently saying no must be careful with posting here. There are many who post in this section who have endured the spouse--wife or husband--who refuses or refused for years. In many cases, the refused made every effort to bless their spouse emotionally, spiritually, and every other way. This is not merely a group that want selfish sex. There are countless people in this group who have done everything and been rejected at all costs.

Stereotypes

The stereotypes of men want sex and women want emotional connection do not always work here. Stereotypes are good and bad. Stereotypes exist because we identify a commonality in a majority of cases. There are always exceptions. In fact, there may be far more exceptions than one thinks. Additionally, all weaknesses can turn into one of two things depending on the heart of the individual: A Strength or Sin. A weakness becomes a strength when one recognizes it as a weakness, gives it to God, and uses the effects of the weakness in a godly way. A weakness becomes a sin when one ignores the weakness and falls for the "sin that so easily besets us".
padsnd

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Re: New to TMB? - Read This

Postby Leah » Wed Nov 23, 2011 8:53 am

New users should feel free to familiarize themselves with the board features and rules before posting. That would include appropriate use of the private message box, looking up past posts, and the quote feature.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


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Re: New to TMB? - Read This

Postby dr.mom » Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:15 am

DO NOT bring personal issues between posters out on to the boards. Contact the moderators and allow them to intervene. Bring out personal disputes is one of the major reasons moderators have to intervene in threads and it rarely settles anything.

Keep in mind if you have a personal issue with someone it is just as likely you are at fault as they are.

Please treat others the way you would wish to be treated and understand your manner of communicate may offend just as easily as the person's that just offended you.

Do not bicker or engage in personal conflict on the boards.

The moderators thank you for that.

grace~TMB-OG

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Re: New to TMB? - Read This

Postby beautyfromashes » Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:17 am

If you feel that someone is being too harsh with you, it might be best to read some of their other posts and familiarize yourself with their "voice" and backstory before on the defensive. Some people here are blunt, but they mean well.
Deep intimacy always requires work, acceptance, and forgiveness. Lots of it. ~~ Linda Dillow

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Job29Man
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Re: New to TMB? - Read This

Postby Job29Man » Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:23 am

Best not to have your very first interaction here be that you post a new thread. I'd suggest you...

1. Lurk for a while.
2. Read lots of complete threads, and several hundred posts before you start a thread.
3. When you do start a thread, stick around and sort of "host" the thread. Start it at a time that you can check back like 6 times over a whole day. You'd be surprised. You'll probably get lots of responses and questions within an hour or two. It's considered "bad form" to start a thread and then go away for days.
4. When you start a thread topic always include the pertinent details. Ages, health, history of relationship, past abuse, medical info like use of hormone drugs or blood pressure medicine, etc, that might affect the story.
5. Don't ask for advice if you are not willing to make changes in your life. If you won't change, then you are stuck with your problem.
6. When you lurk and read, look for the values and culture here. This is a Christian forum, with an expectation of Christian values as derived from a close reading of the Bible and a high value placed on the authority of the Christian Bible. If you don't regard the Bible as authoritative, then this is not the place for you.
7. Fill out your "profile" as honestly as you can. At least an approximate date for your marriage. And go ahead and give your gender (my advice).
8. If you want prayer for an issue, but all you ever do is post in the Prayer Needed section, understand that we are not allowed to give advice there.

9. Unless you want to start an avalanche don't start a thread with this line "I love my mate with all my heart. He/she is my best friend. We have a great marriage, except for the sex. He/she is a refuser." It has been pretty well argued out and the conclusion reached here that "No Sir/Ma'am you DON'T have a great marriage. Refusing sex makes for a "bad marriage." If you can't say "my marriage is *bad* because of refusal" then there is no hope for you." This is an anonymous forum, you can be honest here. We won't think you are evil if you say "My marriage is bad/suffering because of (insert reason here)." This is a forum largely about married sex. The consensus here is "No sex, reluctant sex, refusal or excuse-making = Bad Marriage." Not to say "hopeless marriage" or "evil spouse," just "this marriage has a serious problem and it must change."
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: New to TMB? - Read This

Postby beautyfromashes » Wed Nov 23, 2011 9:58 am

Another thing - Look at the dates of a thread before you resurrect it and offer advice. If a thread has been inactive for months or years, chances are the poster's either gone or the problem has been resolved.
Deep intimacy always requires work, acceptance, and forgiveness. Lots of it. ~~ Linda Dillow

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New to TMB? - Read This

Postby padsnd » Thu Sep 20, 2012 12:41 pm

In light of the past few months, I thought it might be appropriate to bump this one again. I suspect that there are quite a few additional items that have been gleamed recently that would fit here too.

For example:

Be careful about applying what worked for you to all scenarios.

Recognize that many on TMB are here because the "textbook" answers haven't worked.


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Ballad
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Re: New to TMB? - Read This

Postby Ballad » Sun Sep 23, 2012 7:43 am

Preview your post before submitting it unless it is short and has no special formatting, your device doesn't support previews, or you genuinely don't have time.

This is especially important if you are quoting, because messed-up tags in quotes can lead to misquoting, loss of meaning, other misunderstandings, and hurt feelings.
And what is the future, happy one?
'A sea beneath a cloudless sun;
A mighty, glorious, dazzling sea
Stretching into infinity.’

--Emily Brontë

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padsnd
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New to TMB? - Read This

Postby padsnd » Sun Sep 23, 2012 8:01 am

Agreed. I post almost exclusively from Tapatalk so preview doesn't work. But, I commonly re-read my post after submitting it and use the moderate/edit feature to change errors in wording, formatting, etc.

One of the things that is very annoying is when someone quotes a person who quoted someone else and they remove one of the quote open tags. On Tapatalk, the only way to read these is to click the "quote" button and read the raw post while in the mode to reply. This is because the open quote and close quote counts don't match. There are a few posters who do this regularly and I generally ignore the post because it is so difficult to read.


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New to TMB? - Read This

Postby padsnd » Fri Sep 28, 2012 3:53 am

Do not violate the rules on plagiarism rules. If you want to share something from an article, post the link with you own thoughts about it. We can click on the link. Posting full articles may even be a violation of copyright--depending on the rights granted by the author/publisher.





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Ballad
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Re: New to TMB? - Read This

Postby Ballad » Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:26 am

Yes, and although the author would clearly be liable, there could potentially be legal sanctions, injunctions, board shut-down during investigation, whatever other unpleasantries... That would make a lot of people unhappy!

Note that there is a minimum number of (original-content) posts--10?--before a new user can include hyperlinks. So newbies, don't despair if you are itching to share a link; just share a bit of yourself first.


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And what is the future, happy one?
'A sea beneath a cloudless sun;
A mighty, glorious, dazzling sea
Stretching into infinity.’

--Emily Brontë

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padsnd
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New to TMB? - Read This

Postby padsnd » Fri Sep 28, 2012 10:02 am

Yes and on the note of links and teachings:

TMB boards are a discussion forum--not a place to do "drive-by" promoting of your thing. If you want to discuss a topic, you're at the right place. If you are planning to just post information and links to "educate" the "masses", you aren't. If you start a topic without a sense that it is to foster a discussion, it will probably be ignored / not get much traction.


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Re: New to TMB? - Read This

Postby padsnd » Mon Nov 11, 2013 7:20 pm

There are a number of very informative threads on TMB that are good for those who are new to read. These make up something akin to a TMB 101. As time goes on more may be added to this list, but these two are a good start:
  • Best of the TMB - This is a compilation of some of the best and most profound posts throughout TMB.
  • Dangerous Teachings, Bad Teachings - This is a discussion of more or less commonly held beliefs and teachings in society and the church that do not accurately portray what scripture has to say about marital sexuality
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padsnd
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Re: New to TMB? - Read This

Postby padsnd » Sun Nov 08, 2015 7:20 am

Bump

Job29Man wrote:5. Don't ask for advice if you are not willing to make changes in your life. If you won't change, then you are stuck with your problem.


It never ceases to amaze me how many individuals come to TMB saying, "I've done it everything else and I just want to do X that I want you to declare acceptable even though scripture doesn't agree. After being given advice on the topic and rejecting every option as "I tried that and it didn't work," they typically leave abruptly saying something similar to "I don't belong here."

If you start a thread as a question, be willing to accept that others will give you answers you may not like.


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