A Petty Gripe and Growing Up

How do pregnancy and the first year after birth impact a couples sexuality?
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alegria_joy
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A Petty Gripe and Growing Up

Postby alegria_joy » Fri Jun 20, 2014 8:50 am

DH and I decided to wait only 6 months into our marriage before TTC, because I'm 34 and we'd like to have several kids if God will grant it. We ran out of our expensive natural spermicide at 5 months in and decided that was long enough to wait - so now I'm sitting on our couch before going to work this afternoon, feeling crampy (right on schedule for period to start again in a day or two), cycle 4 of unprotected sex and not pregnant yet, and just heard from two of my gal-friends (I was in each of their weddings) that they're expecting their 2nd and 3rd babies.

Did I mention I'm crampy? And grumpy? :x :roll:

Don't get me wrong. I know four months is nothing and I have no reason to be concerned, jealous, worried, or any other negative take on our lack of results so far. And DH and I are in agreement that we'll TTC for a year without bothering about particular strategies (we ML at least 6x/week every week...newlyweds, ha), and that if a year passes, we'll get professional advice/screening for any obvious problems, but won't go to any extreme measures - will begin adoption planning instead at that point. Because while we would love to have kids with each other's awesome genes, there are so many kids out there needing loving families and we are totally up for it. (Not naively. I personally know many families that have adopted; we are aware of what we'd be getting into.)

BUT I'M CRAMPY AND GRUMPY AND DARN IT ALL, I BETTER CONCEIVE AT SOME POINT BECAUSE I'D HAVE HAD THIS UTERUS OUT YEARS AGO IF IT WASN'T GOING TO PULL ITS WEIGHT IN THIS HERE BODY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. (Not really.) (But if it were only that easy.)

Sigh. :? I have not forgotten that I spent twenty years being regularly frustrated with my bosom size (makes finding shirts and dresses that fit nearly impossible) and sometimes praying, "God, if you didn't make my breasts to feed a baby OR please a husband, why the heck did you have to make them like this, where they get in my way and are a constant modesty challenge?" It was a real struggle, even though I knew that God gives good gifts. And now they do please a husband (yay! not to mention pleasing me too...), and I'm not tempted to resent them any more. And I do not feel that I need a baby to be fulfilled; this is not a lack in our life, it's just a desire we have. And I know that when we have kids - however we receive them into our family - that I will have many days (weeks...months....) when I will long for the simplicity of being childless.

You know what it comes down to, today anyway? I don't like feeling that I'm bad at something. I'm secretly proud that we had mind-blowing sex our first time on our wedding night. Both DH and I did really well in school (all the way through graduate school) without trying hard. We're both kind of Renaissance people who do a lot and do it pretty well. We're surrounded by friends who have real struggles with low self-esteem, but we both have to remember that we're not just naturally better human beings than everyone else. (I say this with chagrin. I am not proud of my pride.) It's not that I think we deserve to be pregnant and our friends don't - far from it - I was really actually delighted to hear my girlfriends' news today. But I'm doubly be-grumped to hear about it on a day when I just want to curl up in bed with a bunch of dark chocolate and brood (if you'll pardon the pun) on how every month pushes me older and older before I get a chance to chase a toddler around. I always wanted to have my fun crazy globe-trotting years AFTER our kids are out of the house, and now every 4.5 week delay feels like MY KIDS AND I ARE GOING TO BE IN DIAPERS AT THE SAME TIME AT THIS RATE.

hahahahahhahahahahaha....oh goodness. Thanks for letting me rant, anonymous internet friends. I needed to holler so I could come around to laughing at myself again. I appreciate prayers.

And dark chocolate.

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Re: A Petty Gripe and Growing Up

Postby seeking perspective » Fri Jun 20, 2014 9:07 am

alegria_joy wrote:
hahahahahhahahahahaha....oh goodness. Thanks for letting me rant, anonymous internet friends. I needed to holler so I could come around to laughing at myself again. I appreciate prayers.

And dark chocolate.


It's frustrating when our bodies don't cooperate with our dreams and plans, isn't it?

Dark chocolate is a good thing. When my daughter was living at home, we had a tradition that on the first day of her period each month we would to our local fancy chocolate shop for some special treats. Go treat yourself to some awesome chocolate--and when you have a daughter of your own some day, pass the tradition along.

Hugs to you as you degrumpify.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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Re: A Petty Gripe and Growing Up

Postby poetess » Fri Jun 20, 2014 12:13 pm

Oh, I hear you. My own "waiting" was because I was single, but I distinctly remember when nearly all my college friends were pregnant with child #3 at the same time, and later when most of them were working on #4. Then someone I'm close to got pregnant with her #5 at the same time her younger cousin got pregnant with #1. The one who was pregnant with #5 miscarried, and she couldn't deal with it that the other woman was still pregnant, didn't want to see the baby when he was born. On one level I could understand why that would hurt (of course it would be painful), but on another level . . . I so wanted to say, "I have rejoiced with you in the birth of each of your four healthy children while I have empty arms. Can you not find a way to rejoice with her in her one child when you already have four times as many?!"

Well, God gave me stepchildren, but I wanted children for thirty years before I finally got children in my forties. So yeah, I understand how hard it can be!
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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alegria_joy
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Re: A Petty Gripe and Growing Up

Postby alegria_joy » Fri Jun 20, 2014 3:56 pm

SeekingPerspective - thanks for the hugs. =) (Also, I approve of the word "degrumpify." We could probably be friends IRL.)

Poetess - You know you're one of my heroes, right? Any woman who successfully navigates her 30s as a Christian single is a winner in my book.
I hear you about dealing with friends and their pregnancies and miscarriages and the like. Not the same situation, but two years ago (just before my DH and were in each others' lives) I was in a church small group with a gal who had married at 20 and was now 24 with several miscarriages and a healthy baby. Her husband is in the military and was overseas, and I had been faithfully and quietly supporting her in prayer for months. One night she and I happened to sit next to each other (we're not close friends) and talk a bit after the study was over, and when I asked her how things were going with her beautiful daughter, she sighed and talked about how hard it is to deal with her all alone while her husband was away. This did not bother me; I can imagine it would be hard; that is why I prayed for her. But then she said, "You'd better enjoy not having to deal with stuff like this while you can..." and I wanted to scream at her, because there's nothing like being condescended to by someone who has no imagination and is assuming that you are the same kind of single girl at 32 that she was at 19. I think I looked at her intently instead of screaming and said, "Yes. I do not take my freedom for granted. It sometimes helps me with the loneliness." ...I hope I don't do what she did to other people. I really need to be careful when it comes to even tongue-in-cheek griping about things I'd like to be different. And I don't want to for even a moment stop shouting gratitude to the skies for the amazing gift God gave me in this husband I unexpectedly found! (BTW, have you written out anywhere the story of you and your husband and stepkids? I'd love to know a little more about how that came about for you.)

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Re: A Petty Gripe and Growing Up

Postby poetess » Sat Jun 21, 2014 7:17 am

Thanks, Alegria Joy. It's off topic so I'll PM you. :)
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!


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