Might be Pregnant

How do pregnancy and the first year after birth impact a couples sexuality?
User avatar
Nvr2Late
On the floor
Posts: 1522
Joined: Mon Nov 09, 2009 8:23 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 9th, 2013
Gender: Female
Location: Midwest

Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby Nvr2Late » Wed Apr 08, 2015 8:35 am

I want to add my agreement to Poetess' post. That is precisely how I have felt about you since your first appearance here. This is what Titus 2:4 ministry is about. We want to be your friends, supporters and mentors. I hope you get that :D

FWIW, Job29 is right on the money. We can only speak from the knowledge of your DH that you have shared with us. Hugs.
___________________________________________________________________________
How we handle our spouse's shortcomings reveals more about our own character than theirs. * I’ve already told you more than I know.

little_sparrow
King bed
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 4:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 2nd, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby little_sparrow » Wed Apr 08, 2015 8:45 am

Job29Man wrote:Our understanding of who he is, what he is, is completely the result of your descriptions. Our responses spring from your descriptions.

This is partly true; however, something that I've noticed during my time here is that despite what I say at times, there have still been incorrect conclusions (both about myself and my DH) that have been drawn at times. (Your points 8, 9, and 10 are proof of this.) :wink:

To be honest, I really don't feel the need to list out all of my DH's growth/changes. I see it every day, and people can make their own choices whether or not to take my word for it. If someone chooses to take that as meaning that there has been none and I'm covering up, it would be a sad and untrue assumption, but ultimately it doesn't change the truth. :D

sd595
Under the stars
Posts: 3217
Joined: Sun Nov 25, 2012 7:26 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 5th, 1996
Gender: Male

Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby sd595 » Wed Apr 08, 2015 9:37 am

What you don't need right now is division, but oneness little sparrow - this is a new, challenging, and exciting moment for both of you. I don't disagree with the others that many of the things you listed about your DH's attitude or direction need work, but at the same time I don't think you are in a position to necessarily foster that growth in him. I am praying for your health, babies health, and husbands growth today. Take care of yourself and eat well! Are you guys going to church? Are there other men at church who can be a good influence on your DH?
Get out your bible and see what He says. Pray to Him right now and ask Him for His wisdom in the matter. He will not fail you if you put your faith and trust in Him.

WifeLover79
Double
Posts: 70
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2014 10:56 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 15th, 2001
Gender: Male

Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby WifeLover79 » Wed Apr 08, 2015 9:51 am

Little_sparrow,

I think it is both good and bad that you are defensive about your husband. It's good, because you feel love for him and don't like to hear his negative qualities talked about. It's bad, because I don't think you are seeing things as objectively as someone that is a neutral party. I think the reason some people are sounding harsh to you, is because I think that might be what you need to hear.

Your original thread was shocking to me. The way you described your husband was one of the most extreme cases I've heard about. You were thinking about a separation, and given the way you described the situation I wouldn't have blamed you. Then, you told us about a long conversation and a good sexual experience, and ever since then it seems like you feel that all your husband's issues are minor and on the way to being resolved. And also, you said that you decided to stop using birth control and now you are pregnant.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is this: to many who have been reading, following, and posting on your thread, it might appear that you are disregarding the advice you've been given so far. I'm personally very concerned for you. I'm afraid that you aren't seeing the situation as most of the posters here are, because you desperately want all your problems with your husband to be solved. I don't blame you for that, because you have been through a very tough time. However, I fear that you are in for much more trouble in the near future, because nothing you've described about your husband so far paints the picture of a repentant man working hard to change. That's why Job was asking you to provide more information about your husband's progress. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe all the other people on here telling you pretty much the same thing are wrong. However, I would encourage you to read your other thread again, especially your own comments.

little_sparrow
King bed
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 4:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 2nd, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: Might be Pregnant

Postby little_sparrow » Wed Apr 08, 2015 10:13 am

Based on most of the recent responses to this post, it is clear to me that people are much more aware of the way my DH and I's situation used to be than how it truly is now. I realize that you only can go off what I post, but there is a lot of change that I have not posted about. As I said, I really don't feel the need to. Again, I can assure everyone that the changes are not as shallow as they have been made out to be. I thought I mentioned that before, but in case I didn't, I can assure everyone that it has been much more than "having a conversation and a better physical relationship." I have not even mentioned the most recent conversations that we had even last night about things related to our baby. Again, I honestly don't feel the need to either.

I appreciate everyone's concern, but at this point, there is more focus on the past than the current situation. For that reason, I think it would be more profitable at this point for this post to be closed. :)

Thank you once again.

little_sparrow
King bed
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 4:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 2nd, 2013
Gender: Female

Disgusted by Sex

Postby little_sparrow » Wed Jun 10, 2015 2:47 pm

My husband and I are expecting our first child, and I am about 13 1/2 weeks along. Before this pregnancy, my drive was very high compared to my husband's. I would have been really happy with sex once a day or every few days, but he was good with about once a month. We are both in our lower and mid 20s. We conceived in mid-March, and we've only had sex a handful of times since then. The strange thing is that rather than being extremely hurt or sad about it, I am actually really, really glad. In fact, the few times that we've had sex, I have felt completely disgusted by it the whole time and couldn't wait to be done. For those of you who may remember past posts of mine, that is beyond uncharacteristic of me. I know that drive can be affected by pregnancy, but I didn't expect such a drastic change in this direction. Even something as simple my husband putting his arm me has been bothering me. In fact, the disgust (I hate to use that word, but it's the best one to describe the feeling that I've been having.) that I've been feeling has not only been towards sex, but also towards my husband.

Long story short, my husband and I got married very young (I was 18.) We only knew each other for about 3 years before we married. Unfortunately, we met and got to know each other during a time in my life when I was, without realizing it at the time, trying to change who I was to what I thought "all good Christians were supposed to be." (In other words, through fault solely of my own, I was changing who I was and taking on an extremely judgmental and strict view held by a group of people I knew.) It wasn't until after we were married that I realized who/what I had slowly become, and I am still in the process of undoing all of that. Unfortunately, my husband grew up more like the people in that circle, and that is a huge part of what attracted him to me. (In other words, he was attached to the fake me and not the true me.) Thinking back to when we were dating and even engaged, there were a few times that I really wanted to end our relationship, but my husband convinced me not to. Looking back now with hindsight being 20/20 and all, we really probably should not have gotten married, but obviously it's too late to do anything about that.

Anyway, I said all of that to say that with all of that in my mind and with my drive completely gone, I am faced day to day with regret for marrying him. If it wasn't for there being a child in the picture now, at this point I would be completely fine with living as married roommates (or housemates), but speaking from experience, I have seen how that can really hurt children. I know that sounds horrible, but I am just being frank and openly honest about it.

Just to clarify a few things, I'm not refusing sex. I've told him that if he wants it, that's fine, but he does know that I don't enjoy it. From past experience I realize that it wouldn't be the same for him knowing that I don't enjoy it, but that's all I can give him at this point while remaining honest. Also, I'm not afraid that sex would hurt the baby; my drive is just completely gone. Another thing is that, lest anyone assume otherwise, I am beyond thrilled about the pregnancy and our child. Getting to hear the heartbeat and see him or her moving around during the first ultrasound was one of the most amazing and special moments of my life, and I am so thankful that God has given us such a precious gift.

To be honest, I'm not 100% sure what my point is in posting all of this. I suppose that I'm wondering if there is anyone else that has gone through something like this and looking for advice on how to not hurt our child despite the fact that my husband and I's relationship isn't good.

User avatar
HisLadybug
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1884
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2005 10:18 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 11th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: West Coast

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby HisLadybug » Wed Jun 10, 2015 3:35 pm

I'm 26 weeks pregnant and while I wouldn't use the word disgust, sex is definitely not something I'm super into right now. You are right at the end of the first trimester, so be prepared for a shift in your hormones during the second trimester. Things may really turn around for you and you may start wanting it again. Sometimes at the beginning of the second trimester a woman's libido picks up.

How is his drive? I remember one of your issues was that his drive was super low.

As for your relational issues, the only thing I can really suggest is for you to get into personal counseling for yourself. I know your husband thinks he's above all counsel, yada yada, but that doesn't prevent you from getting help. To be perfectly honest with you, if you and your husband are having issues then it's going to affect your kids. If you want to stay in this marriage and raise kids that are as healthy as possible, I really believe you need some outside help.
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock and sweet you roll
lost for you
I'm so lost for you
-Dave Matthews band

User avatar
C_Brown
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1351
Joined: Fri Jun 07, 2013 6:08 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1984
Gender: Male

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby C_Brown » Wed Jun 10, 2015 7:24 pm

My wife's first pregnancy was hormone hell for me. It was like 9 months of uber-PMS and refusal and I came really close to committing to never having another child again. Happily her other pregnancies were not like that.

As for you marriage, I'm sure you husband has good qualities that you can love him for. Husbands and wifes learn and grow and change over the years and just because you feel differently about some things now than you did in the past doesn't mean you can't love each other. It may help to get some counseling or read some books. How does he feel about you? Does he want to have a good marriage with you? If you both want that the rest can be worked out and you can have that. God loves him and you, so that means you can love each other.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

User avatar
Job29Man
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 8471
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2006 3:52 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 2nd, 1980
Gender: Male
Location: Hobby Farm, USA

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby Job29Man » Thu Jun 11, 2015 6:33 am

Little Sparrow,
Congratulations on your upcoming baby birth! You said you are not sure why you posted... Well, at the very least you can have some people praying for your situation. I'll pray for you today.

I echo what HLB said. My Sarah usually found diminished libido first trimester, and greatly increased libido and enjoyment of sex in the second trimester. I also agree with counseling. Get it for yourself, from someone you trust outside the circle of people you are trying to break from being like. But please get a counselor who is committed to Christ and believes that the Bible is primary for addressing counseling needs.

I know you know this but, it won't help to lament the past. Now that you have the blessing of a child on the way, you are in definitely in this for the long haul. It is best to focus on how you are going to grow in conformity to Christ, raise your child to know and reverence God, and build your marriage together.

Job29Man
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

girliegirl511
Queen bed
Posts: 147
Joined: Mon Dec 02, 2013 11:46 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 15th, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby girliegirl511 » Mon Jun 15, 2015 11:24 am

Congratulations on the new life growing in your womb!! It is completely amazing to see the hear the heartbeat and the tiny movements. I'm almost 37 weeks pregnant with my 1st...and this 97 degree weather is awful!!

Is it the act that is disgusting or is it that you just feel disgusting and gross?

Because during my 1st trimester I felt gross. I was nauseated, dizzy, crampy, bloated, very tender...basically every symptom you could possibly have but 10x worse! Sex was the last thing on my mind. There were a handful of nights DH slept in the guest room because I needed the whole bed to get comfy. I didn't want a hug(which I love) or DH to touch me, sexually or innocently. But all that to say, all of those symptoms started to go away by my 2nd trimester.

It wasn't until I was almost halfway through my 4th month that all the symptoms disappeared. Wait for those hormones to shoot right back up!

And as for the regrets, I'd highly recommend talking with a counselor. You need to be emotionally healthy for this baby, this new life that God has entrusted you with. Working through these things individually and as a coue will help your marriage greatly.

I married an older widower with 2 teenage sons. We meet once a month with a counselor to just talk. I've found it very helpful in working out different emotions as a couple and as a family.

little_sparrow
King bed
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 4:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 2nd, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Jun 15, 2015 2:59 pm

Thanks for the responses.

Girliegirl511, it's the act itself and being intimate with my husband that I find disgusting. I really haven't had many symptoms other than feeling sore really early on, being really tired, and some occasional nausea. Those things really haven't bothered me very much, though.

As for counseling, I know it could potentially be helpful, but there are still the same issues as before: having to drive over 3 hours round-trip to the nearest Biblical counselor and the cost. I don't have the money for it, and I really don't think my husband would give me the money for it. Even if he would (which is extremely unlikely) there is the issue that the counseling office is in a really huge city, which equals me not being able to drive there. If it was a more feasible drive and I had a way to pay, it would be a different story. I've tried going to a few people I know, including one pastor, but that was a huge waste of time because I wasn't taken seriously at all.

Even if my husband would be willing to go to the Biblical counseling office (which is pretty unlikely as well) I honestly would suspect something and would not trust him at all. He is very good about twisting his words and making sure that he only hurts me emotionally when others are not around to witness it, and I have heard him directly lie about problems we have had. All true trust and respect (as a person, not to his role as husband) I had for him left awhile ago.

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 16255
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby Leah » Mon Jun 15, 2015 3:39 pm

Hon, it sounds as if you are going to have to accept that what you feel is normal for an early part of pregnancy. It is okay for you to "woman up" and do your part. It wasn't so long ago that you were complaining about your husband's lack of attention to you. Things don't seem to have changed all that much, so it can't be the frequency. It is the other stuff you mentioned, and you are not going to get past any of that without a good attorney. Either you live with what you have, or you do something about it.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

User avatar
HisLadybug
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1884
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2005 10:18 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 11th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: West Coast

Disgusted by Sex

Postby HisLadybug » Mon Jun 15, 2015 4:36 pm

Since "biblical" counseling isn't an option I would encourage you to find a therapist in your own town, Christian or not. Tell them what your goals are. Their job is to help you achieve them. You need support. I'm available by PM if you'd like but you need someone there with skin on.
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock and sweet you roll
lost for you
I'm so lost for you
-Dave Matthews band

little_sparrow
King bed
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 4:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 2nd, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Jun 15, 2015 4:48 pm

HisLadybug wrote:Since "biblical" counseling isn't an option I would encourage you to find a therapist in your own town, Christian or not.

I'm sorry, but that's not even an option I would personally be willing to consider. :)

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 16255
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby Leah » Mon Jun 15, 2015 5:05 pm

Again, not to be mean, but you are going to have to accept your feelings. It is likely you will only have sex once in the next few weeks. You can stick it out until you feel better the second trimester. Talk to your midwife and see if s/he has suggestions.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

little_sparrow
King bed
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 4:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 2nd, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Jun 15, 2015 5:14 pm

Leah wrote:Again, not to be mean, but you are going to have to accept your feelings. It is likely you will only have sex once in the next few weeks. You can stick it out until you feel better the second trimester. Talk to your midwife and see if s/he has suggestions.


I'm sorry, but for some reason I am confused as to what exactly you mean in this post. Perhaps you could explain in more detail or a different way? :)

User avatar
Leah
Under the stars
Posts: 16255
Joined: Mon Feb 20, 2006 6:42 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 1979
Gender: Female
Location: The Volunteer State

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby Leah » Mon Jun 15, 2015 5:52 pm

Not so long ago, you were here complaning about your husband and how he was ignoring you. Now you are here, and people are telling you the feelings you have are completely normal for the first trimester. Hear that. The best counsellor on the planet can't change that.

What I am saying to you is from your OP it doesn't seem that your husband has changed a whole lot since you first came here. He's still the same self-absorbed guy he always was and doesn't want sex more than once a month. You are 13 weeks pregnant. You are moving into your second trimester. You aren't going to be asked for anything any time soon, so have sex and wait until you feel more like yourself.

What you are, though, is resentful of your husband. If you can't do something about it with a professional, then please hear that we care. But the problem is way beyond the scope of an internet message board.
Leah

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more.”--C.S. Lewis


TMB Copyright and Fair Use

little_sparrow
King bed
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 4:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 2nd, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Jun 15, 2015 6:11 pm

Leah wrote:Not so long ago, you were here complaning about your husband and how he was ignoring you.

I guess I didn't realize that wanting a good marriage at the time was considered complaining. :)

Leah wrote:Now you are here, and people are telling you the feelings you have are completely normal for the first trimester. Hear that. The best counsellor on the planet can't change that.

I am very aware of that, and that's why I was mentioning the counseling in reference to our relationship issues, not my disinterest in intimacy. :)

Leah wrote:What I am saying to you is from your OP it doesn't seem that your husband has changed a whole lot since you first came here. He's still the same self-absorbed guy he always was and doesn't want sex more than once a month. You are 13 weeks pregnant. You are moving into your second trimester. You aren't going to be asked for anything any time soon, so have sex and wait until you feel more like yourself.

His drive has actually gone up, and I think that he would prefer once or more a week at this point. Long story short, he says that he cares about our relationship now, but to be honest, I don't believe him. He has not really shown any action to back up his words. In the past he has also said that he cared, but then he comes to a point where he no longer does. Because there's been such a round-and-round pattern with that, I won't truly believe him unless I see some genuine action to back up his words.

(As a side note, I'm actually in my second trimester at this point.)

mamame
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 7580
Joined: Sat Sep 17, 2005 1:16 pm

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby mamame » Mon Jun 15, 2015 6:17 pm

I wonder if it's less about pregnancy hormones and more about the state if your marriage.

little_sparrow
King bed
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 4:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 2nd, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: Disgusted by Sex

Postby little_sparrow » Mon Jun 15, 2015 6:40 pm

mamame wrote:I wonder if it's less about pregnancy hormones and more about the state if your marriage.

I'm not sure. I would say it probably does, but we were doing a lot better relationally at the beginning of the pregnancy, and I still felt the same way about intimacy then.


Return to “Pregnancy and Postpartum”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users