Pregnancy and Sex

How do pregnancy and the first year after birth impact a couples sexuality?
jewels3141
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Pregnancy and Sex

Postby jewels3141 » Sat Dec 12, 2015 1:51 pm

Hi all,

My husband and I have been married 3 1/2 years, and I'm currently six months pregnant with our first. We haven't had major sexual issues in the past, although he was married before to someone who had an affair, and I have struggled with issues of comparison since meeting him. However, he has always been really good about making me understand his attraction to me, his reasons for choosing to marry me, etc.

Since getting pregnant, though, he has lost some interest in sex (going from 2-3 times a week, down to maybe every other week, if that). I have been asking and asking what the cause for this is, and I have felt like I've been crossing a line, because he usually gets somewhat agitated, says we are still having sex and cites the most recent incident, or says that it's partly because I"m tired or something like that. While sex has been more painful since getting pregnant (I think I have a harder time getting turned on because I feel ugly and unattractive, along with possible fibroid issues), I think it would really help me to know that he was still attracted to me, and still wanted to have sex with me. However, most of his affection has become significantly less passionate (pats on the hand, simple kiss, etc.) than it ever has been before. Just recently, he admitted that he is somewhat weirded out by having sex, knowing that the baby is right there. I'm really starting to feel rejected and unattractive, and it's making me feel depressed and like a bad wife. Is this a normal response to pregnancy? Is there any hope that he will find me attractive again after the baby comes?

It doesn't help that lately there has been more criticism from members of our family in general about baby things, and my husband has referred to me as emotional and hysterical rather often. I feel like the criticism has increased, and the affection has decreased, and I'm really struggling to feel like someone he is still enticed by. I know he loves me, but it seems like it has cooled to a more platonic love, and his interest in the baby has increased. I'm also concerned that this could result in me resenting the baby. Any help would be appreciated.

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Re: Pregnancy and Sex

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Dec 12, 2015 2:15 pm

Is this the first pregnancy he has gone through? Any kids from the first marriage?

I have heard that men can fear harming the baby. Since you have tried talking to him, and he doesn't seem to really have a straight answer, maybe he doesn't even know what's going on with himself. I know a lot of men struggle with feeling misplaced by a baby.

Sorry, that doesn't seem to be much help. :?

What does he do when you initiate? Does he turn you down?
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Pregnancy and Sex

Postby Bear » Sat Dec 12, 2015 2:56 pm

Hi jewels,
These two quotes jumped out to me.
jewels3141 wrote:Just recently, he admitted that he is somewhat weirded out by having sex, knowing that the baby is right there.


jewels3141 wrote:Is there any hope that he will find me attractive again after the baby comes?


Firstly, don't confuse the two thoughts. Please don't assume he's perceiving you as unattractive.

Our kids are grown now, but I'll admit our first pregnancy really rocked my world more than I would have expected. Becoming a father is daunting. And a progressing pregnancy is such a tangible, visual manifestation of ones expanding responsibility.

Its not just that the love of your life is on a magical, dangerous journey; it's also that she's bearing something so precious, and hidden, and mysterious. As the guy, you can feel pretty useless at this time.

For me there was a little weirdness to think: 'there's a baby in there'. Like sex might hurt the baby -poke 'em in the eye or something. ;-) But in reality I was scared of hurting someone. My wife, my child, I don't know. The fact that I knew that those thoughts we irrational didn't really make me more at ease.

Then there were the mystical changes occurring before my eyes. My wife had become a goddess bearing new life. I could see, but not see, new life growing day by day. Awesome, mesmerizing, terrifying.

I have no idea what it's like for a woman (bless you all) but I think for many guys there's this 'immediate remoteness'...and it's sometimes confusing.

FWIW: I was a lot more 'normal' with our second, but I'll admit our first really messed with my head.

Please share with you DH what you're feeling. But also see if you can really lean in and try to discover what he's experiencing as well. It may just be something different than you imagine.

Bless you both.
Last edited by Bear on Sat Dec 12, 2015 3:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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jewels3141
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Re: Pregnancy and Sex

Postby jewels3141 » Sat Dec 12, 2015 3:02 pm

This is his first pregnancy; there were no kids from the previous marriage.

I've never been a strong initiator, as it's really important for me to feel wanted to be able to get turned on; I think this is because he was married before. However, when I have initiated it has usually been subtle, hints, etc., and I know he knows what I'm trying to do. He usually says not now, or maybe later, or that he is feeling tired. It hasn't been very successful so I have basically stopped trying to initiate.

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Re: Pregnancy and Sex

Postby C_Brown » Mon Dec 14, 2015 4:43 pm

jewels3141 wrote:This is his first pregnancy; there were no kids from the previous marriage.


Before you were his wife, now you are somebody's mother and putting 'sexy' and 'mother' together can grind a few mental gears for some guys. Keep putting yourself out there and seduce him if needed. This isn't about his feelings about you, it's about him trying to reshape his concepts of marriage, sex and parenthood in his mind. Do you know if his parents were openly affectionate with each other around him growing up?
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

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Re: Pregnancy and Sex

Postby jewels3141 » Wed Dec 30, 2015 11:34 am

It seems to me that his parents are pretty openly affectionate, even now. I am no longer interested in putting myself out there, so to speak, as I am very sensitive and I have never felt more ugly in my life. I have always struggled with concerns about being compared to his first wife, and they have never been worse than now. I spend a lot of time worrying that this dry spell has gone on longer than any he would have had then, or that something about me is reminding him of her (I know she was heavier than me, for instance, but now that I am pregnant perhaps we have more in common physically?). This is really starting to depress me, and I don't see any fixes.

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Re: Pregnancy and Sex

Postby Mapleleaf1 » Wed Dec 30, 2015 2:08 pm

With my wife's first pregnancy we were both a little unsure about sex. We didn't do it a lot partly because she wasn't that interested and partly because I was a little weirded out. The second one however was the most frequent we have ever had sex our whole 6 years of marriage. I think it's probably just a lot to get used to and new for him. Also it's going to be more responsibility and possibly tougher financially coming up. All things that could be weighing on his mind.

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Re: Pregnancy and Sex

Postby Bear » Wed Dec 30, 2015 4:53 pm

Jewels, have you talked to your DH about this, or are you just kinda 'living this in your own head'?

Saw a song title once, something like: "My mind is a bad neighborhood". I remember it because I sometimes dwell in my own thoughts too much.

Have you two unpacked any of this together?
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Love is not blind; that is the last thing it is. Love is bound; and the more it is bound the less it is blind.
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Re: Pregnancy and Sex

Postby girliegirl511 » Sat Jan 09, 2016 6:43 pm

Jewels,

I would suggest counseling. I am married to a man who is almost 20 yes older than me, and has 2 teenage sons. He was a widower but not before I met him. So I knew his 1st wife and had been to their(now my) home, hung out with his kids ect... I did worry about being compared, especially when it came to sex. During my 2 trimester my drive went into HIGH gear and the comparison issue became present again, because DH said his 1st wife was not like "that". Even though we had counseling before and after marriage we needed 2-3 sessions just to talk it out. I have learned/learning not to compare myself, and our Dr educated him on that sex is safe and acceptable during pregnancy!! DH is also learned the "right" words I needed to hear to confirm his desire for me during pregnancy. 1st trimester you just feel gross and sex is the last thing on your mind. 2nd trimester you should have more energy, and at least for me the need for sex became great. 3rd trimester the need was still there it just took a lot of kind words and gentle encouragement for me to feel desired.

Yes!! There is hope for after the baby comes! DH sons birth were planned c-sections, so delivery was very clinical and recovery was longer. Our daughters birth was at home and I labored for almost 48 hours...COMPLETELY different. DH was a little "weirded out" at the delivery but he said the overwhelming love and awe of "my wife just pushed out a huge baby!" was greater than the graphic birth. Yes, your body is flabby and trying to return to normal weeks after birth but your husband doesn't see that. Directly from DH,"I saw a woman who labored for almost 48hrs, is the only person who can feed this tiny human being, and still goes about her daily life. I didn't care what your stomach looked like." It will take some time to adjust but he will still desire you!!!

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Re: Pregnancy and Sex

Postby be64 » Sat Jan 09, 2016 10:19 pm

For what it's worth, my wife's doctor said it would be okay if we wanted to have sex during labor. Apparently there is some benefit to having an orgasm during labor. We did not take him up on the offer. The location would have made it awkward and I'd say my wife wasn't really in the mood.
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Re: Pregnancy and Sex

Postby girliegirl511 » Sun Jan 10, 2016 11:33 am

Yes you can have sex during labor!! We tried it to kickstart labor it failed. But during early/middle labor I just needed to feel close emotionally and physically to DH. I went from 3cm to 6cm in an hour, it definitely relieved pain as well!


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