Sex becoming difficult

How do pregnancy and the first year after birth impact a couples sexuality?
Pregnantmama

Sex becoming difficult

Postby Pregnantmama » Sun Jul 17, 2016 8:23 am

Hi friends. I could use some advice and I don't know anyone I feel comfortable asking in person so here I am. I am seven months pregnant and my sex drive has begun to rapidly outpace my husband's. I desperately desire him but he has a very take it or leave it attitude. We have had a heart to heart talk and he agreed to begin initiating more, but now when we do have sex it is nearly impossible for me to climax because of the positions I am limited to being pregnant. He insists on manually stimulating me, which this morning he tried for twenty minutes with no success and it left me so sore it was uncomfortable to sit down. He refused to let me try to stimulate myself and would not consider a small vibrator I bought for us since the pregnancy has made sex more awkward. I ended up crying in bed feeling terrible that I was unfulfilled and should be greatful he even made the effort. I feel like his heart wasn't in it but I don't want to seem ungrateful by complaining first about not having enough sex and then being unhappy with his efforts when he tries.

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Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby Learning1 » Sun Jul 17, 2016 8:31 am

Pregnantmama wrote: He refused to let me try to stimulate myself and would not consider a small vibrator I bought for us since the pregnancy has made sex more awkward.


What are his issues with the vibrator / self stimulation ? IMHO he is demonstrating very selfish gate-keeping behavior.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

Pregnantmama

Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby Pregnantmama » Sun Jul 17, 2016 8:58 am

I honestly don't know and p!an on asking him later today. He grew up in a very proper/guarded household so he doesn't really feel comfortable discussing details of sex. His grandfather even sat us down before we got married and gave us a talk about what is and is not appropriate during sex (no toys/books about technique/figure it out yourselves) which I found horribly boundary smashing but am afraid my husband may agree. My husband is turned on by a deep relationship rather than sexy lingerie or pictures which is admirable but also terrribly ego crushing that he doesn't let himself be passion-driven with his own wife. He has no fantasies or things that turn him on other than the good old PIV. I have taken to masturbating in private because our sex together becomes such a drawn out ordeal (20 minutes to stimulate me to orgasm, then five minutes PIV) that often times it is not as enjoyable as I would wish.

I was fair!y more sexually active than him when I was young before we got married, so I feel wrong suggesting things we have not experienced previously together but I know I would enjoy. Another note: I have been on medication for many years that suppressed my drive so this new passion of mine for our intimacy is very out of the blue for him. A few years ago we had a talk switching sides where he said he desired more intimacy from me. I have maybe rejected him twice in the eleven years we have been married but the sex was also passionless as I would attempt to enjoy it but it just felt like a chore.

I expected him to be thrilled with my new sex drive and increased appetite. Last week I could have easily done it 1-2 times a day.

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Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Jul 17, 2016 12:36 pm

Welcome to TMB and congratulations on your pregnancy.

My wife was very high drive during her pregnancies, and we had some of the best sex ever, not just her responsiveness, but no danger of getting pregnant :lol:. Fortunately for us, Wife's go-to way to orgasm is manual stimulation, so even though we were limited to basically one position for intercourse in the later months, getting her to O was no problem.

He insists on manually stimulating me, which this morning he tried for twenty minutes with no success and it left me so sore it was uncomfortable to sit down.

Will he do oral on you? Based on your last post, I guess not. Astroglide is great stuff but doesn't last long. When DW does not produce enough natural lube, I keep the open bottle handy and just stop, squirt a few drops on my finger, then continue. Could you apply astroglide to yourself every minute or two while he manually stimulates you?

I have taken to masturbating in private because our sex together becomes such a drawn out ordeal (20 minutes to stimulate me to orgasm, then five minutes PIV) that often times it is not as enjoyable as I would wish.

Twenty minutes is not that long. Relax and enjoy the journey.

But the real issue is all of your husband's hangups. I would take advantage of the difficulties introduced by pregnancy and address this with him. Never let a crisis go to waste. Tell him flat out that he was raised with incorrect and ungodly attitudes about sex that is limiting the pleasure and intimacy -- physical AND emotional AND spiritual, that God wants you both to experience.

Insist that he read Sheet Music by Kevin Lehman. It is a well-respected book within mainstream Protestant Christianity, hardly anything kinky. It will wake him up to the fact that the pastor and his wife as well as that conservative elderly couple are enjoying a wider range of bedroom activities than he ever imagined :-).

Also, a have him read a good commentary on the Song of Solomon. Most people do not realize how erotic it really is. Here is excerpts from one book I have
http://boards.themarriagebed.com/viewto ... 2#p1045702

And there are others. I've heard Intimacy Ignited is good. I'm sure others will have recommendations.

I was fairly more sexually active than him when I was young before we got married, so I feel wrong suggesting things we have not experienced previously together but I know I would enjoy.

That shouldn't be a factor. You need to look at the merit of a given sex act, irrespective of where you learned about it. Even if you had never done them with someone else, chances are you would still know about them and desire them.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby Vanna » Sun Jul 17, 2016 2:49 pm

There can be a number of things at play here. After Grandpa went over 'Sex 101', did you and your hubby ever talk together about what parts you both did and didn't agree with? Did you ever talk together about what your views of intimacy and sexual creativity were for marriage?

How about now? Do you ever share what turns you on, what sort of things you think would be hot to try together? Do you ever surprise him with new experiences outside of the routine- breast sex, new oral/manual techniques, full body massage and a show, surprise shower sex... Etc?

Some people get really comfortable with the routine, they like the known- a+b=c. "If it isn't broken, why fix it" mentality. It takes helping them get used to surprises, deviations from a or b in order to get to c.

He may really not have any fantasies or desires outside of a or b, but that doesn't mean he can't learn to enjoy variety if you spice things up for him and show him variety isn't scary or bad, it's fun.

Start shaking things up a little. I'd surprise him with candles, music, and lingerie then sit him in a chair, tie him up, blindfold him, and tease him, oil him up, try some new oral and manual techniques. Then decide how you want that to end. Another time you could tie him to the bed, syrup or whipped cream him, give him some fun, then give him a show while you touch yourself in front of him, then go cowgirl (one of the easier pregnancy-friendly positions) to finish him while he's still your captive audience. Introduce the toy while he's tied up- use it on him, then you.

Take away the a+b=c every now and then so he realizes variety can be fun.

Pregnancy hormones can mess with orgasm, so relax about the time element and delays. Female orgasm can be a moving target sometimes. That can be disconcerting and confusing to guys.

Get some coconut oil for the manual stim, it works great at cutting friction. Next time he won't let you touch yourself, take his hand and wrap it around his own gear- tell him you want to watch him, then after a bit, join him with one hand on him and your other hand on you. Smile, wink, laugh... Make it relaxed, natural, and fun.

Another time you could try outercourse, using his gear for manual stim on yourself, and interspersing it with some self touch too.

Help him adjust to trying new experiences. Help him learn it's okay not to always be 'in control' of the proceedings, and it can be fun to let someone else drive.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby SLS » Sun Jul 17, 2016 3:43 pm

Welcome to TMB Pregnantmama. Hope we can help you and your DH improve your MB. :D

Pregnantmama wrote: He grew up in a very proper/guarded household so he doesn't really feel comfortable discussing details of sex. His grandfather even sat us down before we got married and gave us a talk about what is and is not appropriate during sex (no toys/books about technique/figure it out yourselves) which I found horribly boundary smashing but am afraid my husband may agree.


First of all you are absolutely right about Grandpa's conversation. That was incredibly intrusive and wrong. I am sad that your husband not only went along with it but agreed with what his grandpa said.

Let me ask a question here. Does your husband believe in Jesus as Lord and Savior and does he believe in the Bible as the ultimate authority? If he does I would ask him where the Bible prohibits things like sex toys or books about technique? The Bible should be his authority, not what his grandfather says. The Bible is full of positive references about sex in marriage and there is no prohibition explicitly or implicitly given against sex toys or technique books being used by a married man and woman.

Personally DW and I don't use sex toys in our bedroom. We don't really have a need for them at the moment. However, if DW needed one to be satisfied sexually I would bound out the door this minute and get one for her (well, maybe not this minute since we are at her parents house ::lol ). Maybe your husband feels like he is "less of a man" for not getting you there himself. The truth is he is being less of a man by not allowing you what you need (vibrator, self-stim) in order to be satisfied sexually.

I was fair!y more sexually active than him when I was young before we got married, so I feel wrong suggesting things we have not experienced previously together but I know I would enjoy.


Don't feel wrong for that. Regardless of how you "learned" them every sex act that involves only the two of you (without injuring or demeaning you) is okay in the context of marriage.

Think about it this way. Before I was saved I learned that 1+1 = 2. Does that mean that once I was saved I could no longer use that knowledge because I learned it when I was spiritually dead? Of course not. It is the same thing with you. You may have learned about these acts in a sinful manner but because you have repented and are married God is perfectly fine with you engaging in those acts with your husband.

Vanna wrote:There can be a number of things at play here. After Grandpa went over 'Sex 101', did you and your hubby ever talk together about what parts you both did and didn't agree with? Did you ever talk together about what your views of intimacy and sexual creativity were for marriage?

How about now? Do you ever share what turns you on, what sort of things you think would be hot to try together?


I second the idea about having a frank talk with your spouse about what you each believe God says about sex and what kinds of sexual acts you each enjoy. Part of the path to great sex in marriage is being able to communicate effectively about the subject. If he doesn't think something is okay make him back up his opinion with Scripture. I would suggest that you start with this conversation if you haven't already done so.

Start shaking things up a little. I'd surprise him with candles, music, and lingerie then sit him in a chair, tie him up, blindfold him, and tease him, oil him up, try some new oral and manual techniques.


Vanna, I don't know if that would be a good idea at this point. Pregnantmama's husband appears to have some pretty big misconceptions about what sex in marriage looks like. Surprising him with something new might upset him if he incorrectly believes it to be wrong. I would suggest having a conversation first with the goal of getting all these wrong ideas about sex out of his head.

Pregnantmama, would your husband be willing to come on the board as well? I and other godly men would be more than willing to talk to him and help him see what God says about sex in marriage.

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Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby Vanna » Sun Jul 17, 2016 4:10 pm

While I can understand a little caution, I believe the things she has mentioned may very well just be from a natural tendency for males to feel that they are supposed to get the girl there no matter what or they have personally failed, plus the misunderstanding that surely if what he's doing worked dozens off times before then it has to work if he just keeps at it (genie in the bottle complex), plus a hesitation to have a toy in bed because it is foreign (ie. competition) and also implies that they can't do the job right.

Sometimes having a discussion prior to trying just makes them more awkward and inclined to say no. My hubby didn't feel thrilled at the prospect of a vibe in bed, he would never have initiated it, but bringing it in, using it on him, letting him get familiar with seeing and feeling it really helped him adjust. There are so many things that we can't imagine ourselves or our precious spouses doing, until we see them do it and experience it with them.

And it will certainly open some opportunities for communication about intimacy afterward.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

Pregnantmama

Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby Pregnantmama » Sun Jul 17, 2016 4:13 pm

Thanks everyone! We had a very long and detailed conversation about this topic this afternoon. I don't think he would like me to go I to much detail but he has come a VERY long way from our wedding night in terms of what he is comfortable with. I am actually quite proud of him considering his background.

As for GPA's lecture, we were both so shell shocked that both of us tried to forget it ever happened. :)

I will say that he is an incredibly selfless and caring man, loves the Lord and loves being a servant to others, to the point sometimes where he feels like taking time for himself or any kind of indulgent behavior is sinful and selfish. He struggles thinking that one day he will be accountable for his actions, whether in the bedroom or out, and he will be found lacking.

He is an extremely Private person (are you surprised?) and I am 100% sure he would be uncomfortable asking others about bedroom habits, which I want to respect, but I think he would be open to the Kevin Leman book as we are already going through one of his parenting books.

I like the advice given so far and think the best course of action is to be patient, encourage intimacy and exploration according to his comfort leve!, and search the scriptures with him regarding this area so he can be sure for himself that he is not going into sin by seeking pleasure for himself.

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Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sun Jul 17, 2016 4:24 pm

Even if he doesn't want to post or share with us, he can always just read the myriad threads in the forums here, or the articles on the TMB main page. I think TMB is a pretty good source of knowledge regarding Christian marriage and sex. (It's like a book written by thousands of authors. :mrgreen: )
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

Pregnantmama

Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby Pregnantmama » Sun Jul 17, 2016 4:38 pm

I guess a problem I am having is that I crave that intimacy now, and would rather not masturbate (which he sees as sinful), but if I lightly instigate he often puts it off. Forcing me to be sexually agressive is fine once in a while, but it causes me to feel resentful and unattrative at this point. I feel like I am inbetween a rock and a hard place.

jon

Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby jon » Mon Jul 18, 2016 5:03 am

Pregnantmama wrote:He insists on manually stimulating me, which this morning he tried for twenty minutes with no success and it left me so sore it was uncomfortable to sit down. He refused to let me try to stimulate myself

Probably not surprising he doesn't know how to stimulate you as it sounds like he's inexperienced. Would he be offended if you showed what to do - like take his hand and sort of guide him?

gracekissed

Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby gracekissed » Wed Aug 03, 2016 9:58 pm

Just wanted to commiserate to a large extent. I'm on my 3rd pregnancy and already knew that my drive would go through the roof, and yes, it's harder to get to O with intercourse now that I'm within a couple of months of delivering. We've always had issues with me being the High Drive spouse and DH not really being interested in mixing things up much, but we've been working for a few months now on our sexual relationship, which started with me finally being honest about how deeply I needed things to change.

He's been very good about trying to change his mindset, if slow due to personality related issues. We've done a few chapters so far of Intimacy Ignited at the suggestion of someone here, and it's been (mostly) good, helping him reframe his concept of sex mentally. We did get his testosterone tested, and it was well within normal for his age, so we're dealing with ingrained attitudes here. He is now very accepting of my masturbating as needed, with and without him there, even though it's not a huge turn-on for him (yet? hopefully?). But this is new. Big help though when I just can't quite make it even with his help like I can when I'm not hugely pregnant.

Anyway, you've gotten lots of good input about his attitude in general, but I will say that there's actually quite a few positions we've discovered during my pregnancies that get a huge thumbs up (and get used again after). I'm also more open to stimulating myself during intercourse if I want to add that element in, and that helps too. I do miss face to face coital alignment positions, but many of the rear-entry or T-positioned options allow for intense breast play which is huge for me. Thankfully positional changes are not something he's ever balked at so we've discovered what works well, and it's more than I thought.

Perhaps it would be good for him intentionally to use the off-limits time after you deliver to do some thinking/ reading/ discussing with no pressure to perform. I know I've told my DH I'd like to try some non-intercourse things during that time for us that we don't normally do because his drive is low and it would take intercourse off the table if we finished some other way instead. I figure it's a great opportunity to explore our sexual relationship as a broader concept than just isolated, similar, intercourse focused encounters.

Pregnantmama

Re: Sex becoming difficult

Postby Pregnantmama » Thu Aug 04, 2016 6:56 am

Thanks everyone. I have a great update, we were able to get away for a weekend for our anniversary, and we listened to Kevin Leman's Sheets book on audio and spent the majority of the weekend having a good time, if you catch my drift. He relaxed in some areas and I rearranged my expectations slightly and we ended up having the time of our lives. I was very open with him about my heightened drive (being pregnant, 38, and libido suppressing medication change) and he was very glad to oblige. I have noticed a great softening of our hearts toward each other because of this intimacy and situations which would normally produce friction between us are navigated much more lovingly on both our parts. Who would have guessed improving our sex life would have such an impact on all other areas!


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