How to deal with perimenopause?

Menopause - how it impacts your health, your sexuality, and your life in general.
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How to deal with perimenopause?

Postby cmur7994 » Sat May 06, 2017 10:32 am


Background on us: married 20+ years, college sweethearts with 3 kids. Both 45. MIL has claimed to have gone through early menopause (I say claimed because she has lied about a number of things, especially relating to her health - she's a strange woman).

DW and I have had a very rocky 2017. Just a few months ago, we were openly talking about getting a divorce. I convinced her to go with me to some marital counseling - something she has always opposed because she is convinced that "people can't change".

We've had two counseling sessions together, me a few alone. Had one yesterday and it seemed to be very productive. At the beginning of the session, the therapist asked, if "1" is how your relationship was when you came to me, and "10" is a perfect, ideal, healthy relationship, how would you rate things today? DW answered "5". I answered "4". Boy was that a big mistake.

We parted ways, she had a women's thing at church to go to, but as we were leaving she said she wanted to talk to me about something I said during the session. I literally had no clue what possibly she could have been upset about.

She texted me that she had a great time at the women's thing, it was very inspirational. I was happy for her. She didn't get home until around midnight. She said "the speaker at her function was 'awesome', I have so much to talk to you about". As we are getting ready for bed, she has a Jeckyll and Hyde transformation and angrily demands why I answered "4" to the question. It was as if I had pierced a dagger right through her heart, she was so angry about it. And presumably this is after some inspirational church talk and what I perceived as a productive session - but she simply could not let this go.

I have a technical background, and in my mind +/- 1 means nothing of significance. I really had no explanation, I think my thought process is I wanted to say that things were better, and in my mind that's quite a bit better (4-fold increase!), but we still have a long ways to go.

She angrily walked out of the bedroom and slept on the couch. Initially refused to talk to me this morning because she was still angry with me. Yes, angry with me by being slightly less optimistic about where things stand in our relationship. We did end up talking, and she literally is fine with giving up on the marriage counseling sessions over this assessment ("why go anymore"). I can't emphasize enough, the therapist was very positive about the gains we've made, gave us some helpful techniques to get over some of our issues. We were both physically there, but mentally/emotionally, we couldn't be more on different pages - all because of this trivial rating!

Without trying to be glib about things, I am convinced that something physical/emotional/cognitive is seriously wrong with my wife. She has told me that she's "always" on her period. We have not had sex since February. After lots of convincing from me, she went back on BC a few years ago with the hopes of mellowing out her moods. It helped a little, but to put it in to context, she was literally crying every time she had her period.

It doesn't feel to me that she is thinking things through. She initiated the discussions on divorce, and seemed perfectly fine to throw away a 25+ year relationship because she was unhappy at the moment. She almost had no emotions about it, no sadness/sorrow/regret. Her countenance seemed badly mismatched. I can point to several other seemingly reckless things she's done - unfriended lots of people on facebook for trivial spats she's had with them (including my entire extended family); refusal to forgive or let go of trivial things; bizarre sleeping patterns; an almost disregard for her health.

We definitely do have a lot of other issues to resolve, and I totally accept some blame for the status of our relationship. But I am really feeling that she is not stable and may be going through menopause. I can't explain it any other way - it almost seems like she is deliberately sabotaging our relationship - I am clearly making an effort. Her judgement in a lot of things seems extremely skewed, and I don't think she fully understand the consequences of her actions.

Need lots of help!

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Re: How to deal with perimenopause?

Postby C_Brown » Sat May 06, 2017 8:45 pm

My DW has been in perimenopause for nearly 2 years now and very little of what you describe would apply to her. She was having very heavy periods lasting several weeks. She got an IUD to help make the periods lighter and that worked, but when she has one it usually is at least 2 weeks still. She seems to go several months without a period at all, then starts having big periods again ( I joke that she doesn't have periods anymore, she has ellipses) . There hasn't been any emotional changes in her however, but she didn't really get PMS before either.

Your wife's emotions may be influenced they hormonal changes of perimenopause or it could be a mental health issue or something else. If this is way outside the norm of whatever PMS she had in the past it might be good for her to see a doctor about it. I'm just not sure if you should be the one to make that suggestion.
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Re: How to deal with perimenopause?

Postby jude700 » Sun May 07, 2017 5:19 am

Am praying for you as a couple.

Is your YF seeing a health giver? Many of us as we get older start staying away as we start to have doctors to leave their practices, or the caregiver says something wrong, gives wrong prescriptions, etc. Pray on these things.

When DW accepts it, hold her tenderly, if you can. Act positively with her moods, if she says four, say five. It may help her feel better and act better. Remember, until we die, life can always get better. Pray for that change.

Be patience in your suffering as Christ is patient with us. Think of all the qualities of love and patience.
He is risen!

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Re: How to deal with perimenopause?

Postby MayDayGirl » Sun May 07, 2017 12:16 pm

Hormones can really do a number on people. Your Jeckyll and Hyde analogy reminded me of how I felt my mother acted while she was going through menopause. It was horrific. I would suggest a complete physical, checking on everything from blood pressure to thyroid and hormone levels, in addition to a check up with a gynecologist.

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Re: How to deal with perimenopause?

Postby ledgemoor » Mon May 08, 2017 7:48 am

There is more going on here than hormones unfortunately, but they are undoubtedly a factor.

I agree that she should seek medical help. Look for a doctor specializing in bioidentical hormone replacement therapy.

DW sailed thru perimenopause and menopause without problems, but suffered greatly after losing her ovaries to endometrial cancer. Her bHRT doctor restored her health and our sex life.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: How to deal with perimenopause?

Postby cmur7994 » Mon Jul 31, 2017 1:58 pm

Recap of where I last left off.

We were to the point where we were throwing in the towel on our 20+ year marriage. It was ugly. I would say that my close relatives were essentially telling me, "move on, it's over". She moved money out of our joint checking account and appeared to be moving out after she consulted with an attorney.

Regarding her biology, she has insisted that she was fine and that she didn't always take her BC pills at the same time every day, and that caused "spotting". Update on this: it sounds like this may be more of an issue with the 4 periods per year pill and when she will have a "normal" period, this happens. I do think that she should talk to her MD about switching pills, but I will say that our life is much, much more tolerable with her on BC. Basically, just need to find the best option for her.

We continued to see the secular therapist and although I think she had noble intentions, they ended up being sessions for them to gang up on me. Even my wife felt this way.

As a "last gasp" effort, she sent a note to our pastor basically saying, this is our last hope. We met with him twice and her attitude changed around 180 degrees. I talked to my mentor about this, and he was stunned, asking, well what did he say that made such a difference? I still don't know. But things are working out and she is actually making an effort in our relationship.

I'm still stunned, and although we are not out of the woods yet, this appears to be a case where God intervened in both our hearts.

I am truly grateful for having another chance.


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