Struggling

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
riley17
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Struggling

Postby riley17 » Tue Dec 01, 2015 4:16 pm

Hi, My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. We've had trouble having sex since the start of our marriage. I found this forum and am reading all I can in the hopes of finding some emotional support and answers to our problem. I just feel so bitter/angry/ sad over the whole thing. Sex is not what I always thought it would be. We waited to have sex until we were married.

I did have one bad experience before we got married with an OB/GYN who I told not to do a physical exam. I told her I was only there because my mom was making me, I wished to remain a virgin, didn't want to be touched at all, but she could look. She said, "Don't worry I see virgins all the time. " Then she jammed her finger up there. I bled, I cried, and it hurt to walk for 3 days. After we got married, sex was so unbelievably painful, but I didn't know what to do. I gritted my teeth and bore the pain, then would go cry in the bathroom after my husband fell asleep. One month later, I finally told him. I felt like a complete failure as a wife.

My parents got divorced because my mom withheld sex from my dad, and he cheated. He told me never to withhold sex from my husband. So I was crying and I was scared. Luckily I have a great husband and he told me not to worry, he will never cheat on me, and he will take me to the dr to see if there's a problem. He went with me to a new, much nicer OB/GYN, who told me I have severe endometriosis, and my muscles inside are all hypertrophied from too much cramping and whatnot. So it was either go on the pill for a year to give my body a break from periods, or have a baby. So I was relieved to have a diagnosis. He sent me to physical therapy (yea they have therapy for that area lol) The therapist was wonderful, she gave me dilators to use, and exercises to do to relax and stretch those hurting muscles. my husband went with me to every single visit.

In the meantime we tried hand jobs and OS. However, my emotions got the best of me. I couldn't get excited because I just get mad/depressed. I hated it when people told me, "there's other things you can do besides sex." No. I felt like a failure. I wanted to have sex. I want to be normal. So now, I had to quit the therapy due to it's being so expensive. We did work up to the largest dilator before I quit and at that point sex did not feel good, but it was bearable. I couldn't get excited though, so it ended up hurting.

Now here we are a couple of months later and all I do is cry. He goes to touch me and I just feel so stupid and broke that I just cry. We don't even really kiss anymore, I just try to give him a hand job when he needs it. Just pecks is all we do for kissing. That's how bad it's got. There's no excitement there's no nothing. We're both concerned, we talk about it, but we're not sure what to do. Part of the problem is we just aren't good at foreplay, and we don't know what we're doing, then I just get frustrated and emotional. I can't even get any desire anymore. I love my husband and I think he's so handsome from a distance, but when he goes to touch me or kiss me I withdraw. His touch does nothing like it used to before I knew sex was painful. He touches me now, and I don't get excited.

I get sad and angry at my situation. Angry because he can enjoy it and I can't. I used to have more of a sex drive than he did, and now there is nothing. I don't know how to fix myself. There is one Christian sex therapist 3 hours away from us that I am trying to get in to see, but every time I call she is still not accepting new patients. The emotional toll this is taking on me is so hard. I want an intimate loving relationship. We are reading sheet music right now. I hope it helps some.

Alistair
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Re: Struggling

Postby Alistair » Wed Dec 02, 2015 1:36 am

Hi Riley

You have come to the right place over the next few days some wise women and men will post so hangin there in the mean time I will be praying for a break through.

If it makes you feel better my sex life was terrible, terrible for the first few years but things did improve with perseverance prayer and wise council and I believe they will for you too.

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Hiswifeagain
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Re: Struggling

Postby Hiswifeagain » Wed Dec 02, 2015 7:43 am

Riley,
I'm so sorry that sex has become such a negative experience for you. It sounds like that first gyn visit was pretty traumatic for you and that makes me think you might get some real help with something called EMDR. It's a therapy that helps you reprocess traumatic experiences to help overcome the negative impact they have on your life.

EMDR Institute wrote:There has been so much research on EMDR that it is now recognized as an effective form of treatment for trauma and other disturbing experiences by organizations such as the American Psychiatric Association, the World Health Organization and the Department of Defense. Given the worldwide recognition as an effective treatment of trauma, you can easily see how EMDR would be effective in treating the “everyday” memories that are the reason people have low self-esteem, feelings of powerlessness, and all the myriad problems that bring them in for therapy. Over 100,000 clinicians throughout the world use the therapy. Millions of people have been treated successfully over the past 25 years.


I'm assuming, of course, that you've also been praying about this and asking God for healing. He really is the Great Physician and He's also equipped people to help in healing too. Have you decided how you will treat the endometriosis?

I think it's wonderful that you're reading Sheet Music. Perhaps a study of the Song of Solomon too. Sex is a good gift from God and therefore the enemy wants to steal and kill it for you. I'm glad you're here and fighting for your marriage and your God-given sex life.

Blessings to you and your husband,
HWA

ETA quote from EMDR Institute
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

riley17
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Re: Struggling

Postby riley17 » Wed Dec 02, 2015 10:22 am

Thanks so much!!
I will look into that EMDR.
Yes, we pray together a lot to heal me and help our sex life and our marriage among the various other things we pray about.

We decided we wanted to start a family. Neither one of us really wanted to use the pill, and we were planning on trying to start a family one year after we got married, so we just moved it up a few months. The dr said that would be the best option anyway as the pregnancy hormones really help the endometriosis and the birth will make things stretch. We are only ten weeks away from our due date and really excited to meet our little guy. I'm in a happier frame of mind today about everything, so we may try again tonight. :D Alistair that's what a bunch of people told us! My husband said, "see, you're not the only one who struggles with this." That helps me not feel like such a freak. :) I guess practice makes perfect so I'm not going to give up just yet!

sexywife
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Re: Struggling

Postby sexywife » Wed Dec 02, 2015 4:54 pm

Riley,

I'm so sorry that sex has been so painful and frustrating. And, I'm sure-- disappointing. Your expectations going into marriage were probably not along these lines, so that has to be difficult. I'm so thankful that your husband has been so supportive and understanding.

I haven't been in your shoes, so I'm not really going to address any of your physical issues as I'm sure others will, but we've had our own struggles, and I can certainly relate to the emotional frustration in the bedroom. And the brokenness that you describe? Yes. Been there.

Can I share a little about what I have learned in an effort to encourage you? God desires good things for your sex life! He cares about you, He loves you deeply and He is faithful to lead us, to heal us and to sustain us through difficult times. Continue to ask Him for wisdom. Pray together and separately for your marriage and for this issue in particular, and turn to one another; communicate with each other often. Share your heart and your feelings and allow your husband to share his.

I look back now and see that the struggles we shared in those early years of marriage were a gift-- they drew us closer and cemented our bond and intimacy. I think so often we want the quick fix, and that's not always how God works. He is sometimes slow (in our estimation), but His ways are ALWAYS perfect.

And give yourself a little grace, okay? It's okay that you don't know what you're doing, and the fact that there's no desire or excitement is understandable in the circumstances. Don't be so anxious about fixing yourself; trust that God will guide you and lead you and bring healing to you. In the meantime? Just love your man. Tell him he's handsome, that you love him, look for ways to bless him, let him know you are praying for him faithfully. And keep right on trying. Keep persevering in this. Don't give up. Keep asking God to strengthen you and strengthen this area of your marriage. He is faithful. Pray for your husband, pray for your own desire to flourish. Cuddle with him lots. Cry when you need to. You're allowed to be broken with him. It's okay and good and right. And do try to kiss that sweet man, will ya? :)

Keep trying. Keep praying. God is faithful.

You will move beyond this difficult season, and your marriage will be all the richer for it.
Praying for you now.

riley17
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Healed, but still have a mental block

Postby riley17 » Wed Aug 10, 2016 8:56 am

Hello!

Some of you may remember my previous post. Well, since writing that we had a baby and now sex is no longer painful! Now the problem is that I can't get into the right mood, because I anticipate pain. There is a Christian sex therapist 3 hours away that I've been trying to get in to see, but she is never taking new patients. :( Does anyone know of any good Christian sex therapists that might be able to see us, even if we have to go through skype?
Do you have any desire to go put your hand on a burning wood stove? No, because you know it will hurt. That's how I feel about sex right now. I'm trying to change my mindset on my own, and we've seen a little bit of progress here and there, but I think I need to see a professional for help.
~Riley

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George B.
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Re: Healed, but still have a mental block

Postby George B. » Wed Aug 10, 2016 9:32 am

I'm glad to hear that sex doesn't hurt anymore! We had the same exact experience after the birth of our first baby. I'll admit that in our case, sex got a lot better and kept getting better, I think mostly because of particular choices we made early in marriage.

I'm not aware of any good Christian sex therapists but I hope someone here on the boards can recommend one. One resource some have found helpful is Restoring the Pleasure by Clifford & Joyce Penner. I think it's out of print but still available used. I've read it & thought the exercises in it were excellent.
Last edited by George B. on Wed Aug 10, 2016 8:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Vanna
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Re: Struggling

Postby Vanna » Wed Aug 10, 2016 7:51 pm

Congrats on the breakthrough! That's awesome! :)

Another book that might really interest you as you are seeking renewal of your mind and responses- Passion Pursuit, by Linda Dillow https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/s/ref=is_s?k=passion+pursuit

I'm in a married ladies study group with this book, and it has been quite helpful for sorting through intimacy issues.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed


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