Is it worth it?

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
Butterfly
Twin size
Posts: 36
Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2017 9:48 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 8th, 2007
Gender: Female

Is it worth it?

Postby Butterfly » Sat Apr 01, 2017 9:05 pm

I've been asking myself this question for almost a week now.

I've been married 9.5 years and sex has never been painless for me. Excruciating is putting it lightly. In the past few years, my wonderful DH has refused to have intercourse with me because of the pain it's caused me. I've also not been to a Gyn in probably 8 years. That's because I couldn't find a female one in this area that was actually good. Upon getting a new doctor, I made an appointment and I went Monday. I was excited in a way because I thought this might lead to some answers. Due to the intensity of the pain upon penetration of anything no matter the size, I thought that there must be something physically wrong. Even if I didn't have the drive, at least I could take a medication or something and have it cleared up.

I had my appointment Monday and I'm still having flashbacks and pain from the appointment. I warned the doctor ahead of time that the pain probably was a lot worse than she anticipated. And to be gentle. I had my best friend there (my husband is way too fascinated with the instruments lol) to hold my hand and it turns out that was the best decision ever. Because I ended up screaming bloody murder into her shoulder as the exam was happening.

I feel so broken. And I'm having a hard time getting past this visit.

Technically there is nothing wrong with my vagina. Everything looks great, she said. But she wasn't looking very long because I was screaming so much. All my tests came back normal. I'm fine.

Except I'm not. She wants to refer me to a place an hour away, a Urology place that has some program in place for women in my position. I'm just tired of fighting it. I'm tired of paying hundreds/thousands of dollars for this appointment and that therapy and whatever. I've been in therapy for years for Borderline Personality Disorder, and recently got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia likely as a result of childhood trauma and abuse. And yes, it's 99% possible that my birth father (I have a wonderful adoptive father who's taken me under his wing over the years) sexually abused me when I was very little.

So...technically it's all in my head. I can't even put a finger in there. It's still hurting. I know it's worth it, you all will say that...but to me...I have zero drive and zero interest in sex other than the fact that my husband likes it. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gotten married, so I didn't have this "obligation" as it were to get "better" so I can have sex. But I love my husband to death. I want to be able to have sex for his sake. His drive is low but he still enjoys it. But lately I have done nothing for him because he's said it means nothing.

I'm sure you all will say counseling, therapy, second opinions...

I'm just tired...frustrated...and don't want to go through this anymore. Really don't have the money or the time to go through it, either. If I wasn't married, this wouldn't even be a problem.

Butterfly
Twin size
Posts: 36
Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2017 9:48 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 8th, 2007
Gender: Female

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby Butterfly » Sat Apr 01, 2017 9:47 pm

Answers to what I'm sure some questions will be:

I am not on any BC as hubby has had a vasectomy.
We were both virgins and didn't consummate for 2 weeks after the wedding.
I had no hymen, supposedly, it was probably broken by horseback riding that I did in my teens.
The pain has worsened over the past few years.
We have no children and aren't going to have any.
I had severe emotional/physical trauma as a child and likely sexual trauma. There were times that he would talk about sexual things and not in an appropriate way around children. Aside from that, sex was a huge no no to talk about and we were not taught about sex or how it works.
DH and I both have a history with porn. However, he never MB'd to porn and did not have the normal reaction to it. He is Autistic so that likely has something to do with it. I never MB'd to it either but watched it to learn what goes where and what the woman was supposed to do. I don't struggle with it now for the most part. About once or twice a year I will want to look.
I have no sex drive currently.
Despite my childhood, I have no fears about having sex, and I don't have a negative view of sex. In fact I'm willing to do some adventurous things and get wild and crazy. I feel like I have an inner sex goddess or something like that and I'm not afraid of that.
I never had a relationship before DH.
I had an estrogen cream given to me at my last gyn appointment 8 years ago but it cost an arm and a leg and didn't work (and left me with a gross feeling).
My various hormone levels have been checked and my vitamin levels have been checked as well and I am being treated for anemia but other than that everything is in good standing.
Aside from my Fibromyalgia and assorted back issues, I'm a relatively healthy person.
I do need to lose about 30lbs and exercise more as well as eat better, but I'm currently working on getting my body out of its depression, which the doctor is helping me with.
I have prayed relentlessly for the past 9 years for God to heal me and I won't stop praying.
I have tried many different lubes, from coconut oil and grapeseed oil to astroglide and ky and other various lubes, even a desensitizing one.
The desensitizing lube worked to the point where the pain was sort of mild, but only after we achieved penetration and it was still unpleasant and made me cry.
We have tried many different sex toys...different sizes and types. The small viberators did work for a clitoral orgasm but even that isn't working lately. No matter what was tried, it didn't help things loosen up or get me aroused. It didn't make penetration easier.
We also tried many different positions.
We have read many books and listened to seminars and such to help us with our marriage, as well as going to marriage counseling at one point.
We're not very good at foreplay and no matter what he does it doesn't do anything for me. Not because of him but I guess I just don't respond. I feel sexually dead, completely, and always have. I'm not sure good foreplay would fix that.
I have usually been the initiator and am a natural in such things (so he tells me) so it is not that I have not tried.

I think that should cover it, I hope...

User avatar
poetess
Under the stars
Posts: 2984
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby poetess » Sun Apr 02, 2017 4:18 pm

Nothing to say, at least for now, but just that I have read what you have written and I'm sorry it is so hard.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

User avatar
Job29Man
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 7859
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2006 3:52 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 2nd, 1980
Gender: Male
Location: Hobby Farm, USA

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby Job29Man » Sun Apr 02, 2017 4:34 pm

Butterfly wrote:I've been asking myself this question for almost a week now.
I assume you mean the question "Is it worth it?"

Butterfly wrote:I've been married 9.5 years and sex has never been painless for me. Excruciating is putting it lightly. In the past few years, my wonderful DH has refused to have intercourse with me because of the pain it's caused me. I've also not been to a Gyn in probably 8 years. That's because I couldn't find a female one in this area that was actually good...


I read your posts, and can't find any questions, so I assume you are just wanting to vent a bit? Or is it all to ask "is it worth it?"

What stood out to me is the math on your timeline. Not been to a Gyn for 8 years (out of 9.5 married) because you couldn't find a good female doctor. Somewhere in there it sounds like you decided it wasn't worth it, right? And you say your husband has not been having sex with you because of your pain. How long has that been?
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

Butterfly
Twin size
Posts: 36
Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2017 9:48 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 8th, 2007
Gender: Female

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby Butterfly » Sun Apr 02, 2017 7:09 pm

I really did need to vent because I've been heartbroken over this for the past week...and really ever since we got married.

There are two parts to not seeing a gyn before this. The first is that we live in a very rural area and there aren't very many doctors and the ones that are here aren't the best. And the second is that it costs an arm and a leg. I wouldn't say I completely gave up in the middle because I kept trying different things to help myself heal, but I did give up on finding a gyn, at least for a while. I would do a search a few times a year to see if there were any, but most of my lady friends either go to a male one or don't go at all, and the only woman in this area I was strongly warned against by a couple of my friends. My last gyn was an hour away and has retired. So that wasn't helpful at all.

It has probably been a year since we had sex. The last time we had it, we did it 4 times in a week. I somehow pushed past the pain and determined that if we did it more, it might help. However it just irritated me and the pain was too much to bear. Each session would end up in tears.

Yes the question is "Is it worth it" because it FEELS so impossible in this moment. I know technically it is worth it. But the road to trying to figure out an invisible, unknown, subconscious trigger will be long and hard. There's nothing concrete that my father sexually abused me on a physical level (there was verbal sexual abuse and misconduct) so it doesn't seem right to try to say that's the reason why I have these issues. I'm sure that the issues I have were further made worse by us trying to consummate after our wedding. It was hard and painful but we figured we're newbies and it'll work. So many times we tried and it only made it worse, not better.

I know I'm not right in the head. That frustrates me. I just want to be ok...want to be normal...want to enjoy sex...want to have it not hurt.

ItsJustUs
Double
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 2:44 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 5th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: South Carolina

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby ItsJustUs » Fri May 12, 2017 8:22 am

I can't say much other than I am sorry for what you have been through and are going through. In your rural area it may be hard to find a good doctor, but please don't give up. Spend the time and money to find a good doctor, probably in a city, who specializes in child sex abuse issues. There may be an abuse recovery group, or a victim advocacy program through a local court or social services agency, that can give some referrals. And you need counseling, not just a doctor examining your body and telling you, "Everything looks fine. Don't know why you have pain. Next!"

If your question really is it worth it to go through all the cost, physical pain, and emotional pain that getting to the bottom of this is going to take, I don't think anyone can know. These issues probably are effecting you in other areas of life even if you don't realize it.

I choose to believe that God can heal all wrongs, and that includes child sex abuse and all the harm it causes. Some states seem to have great reasources for victims, but others don't. In a rural area, it may be harder to find. But I think it will be worth it even if you never can get sexual satisfaction from penetration. Your whole view of sex seems to have been warped by the abuse and your coping with it, and helping to get a godly view will bring rewards.

One thing I may have missed is how supportive your husband is. If you can't get from him true support please don't give up. Find what you need first in Christ and then in a friend you can trust. If you have a good church family, seek out a woman who seems Godly to you, and ask her if she would be willing to be a prayer partner with you. Take all of this to the mercy seat of our Father and lay out for Him how you feel, what you want, what you are scared of.

Praying for you!

ItsJustUs
Double
Posts: 89
Joined: Mon Apr 10, 2017 2:44 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 5th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: South Carolina

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby ItsJustUs » Fri May 12, 2017 8:35 am

Also, many abuse victims don't have anything concrete showing they were abused. Memories of young children can get all mixed up, and physically there can be injury that does show up in the ways that people expect. My husband was in law enforcement for a time dealing with this area.

And please don't feel like any of this is your fault. It is hard for people who have never been abused yo understand, but many victims believe it is their fault. You need counseling probably for helping to deal with any guilt you have. Even if there was no physical abuse, what you did go through would leave emotional scars and that will take counseling and prayer to heal.

User avatar
Paul B
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 2067
Joined: Tue Mar 09, 2004 5:10 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 27th, 1985
Gender: Male
Location: The Inland Empire - north of Spokane, south of Canada
Contact:

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby Paul B » Fri May 12, 2017 9:37 am

Butterfly,

What you describe sounds like vaginismus. Childhood abuse is a common cause for the condition. It is treatable.
Paul
Marriage and Sex Educator ~ My passion is better marriages and better married sex lives.

The Generous Husband
The XY Code - Attempting to explain men to women.
Follow me on Twitter @themarriagebed

User avatar
Nova
Queen bed
Posts: 187
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2012 12:10 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 3rd, 2012
Gender: Male

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby Nova » Fri May 12, 2017 4:27 pm

Butterfly wrote:So...technically it's all in my head.

If I were you, I would put this idea aside right now. Pain is always "in your head." Psychosomatic pain is not functionally any different than any other kind. It is every bit as real as pain caused by a physical wound, and dismissing it as somehow less than real is doing yourself no favors.
Please don't think I'm being aggressive just because I use strong language. If I'm posting on your thread, it's because I care.

Butterfly
Twin size
Posts: 36
Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2017 9:48 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 8th, 2007
Gender: Female

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby Butterfly » Sun Jun 25, 2017 10:59 pm

I'm sorry I forgot to come back here and respond.

Thank you for all your replies.

I had an appointment scheduled for the end of May but had to cancel it because we just didn't have the money. It was with some specialist and they couldn't give me an estimate on how much it'd cost but being a specialist and that I am a new patient, it'd be costly. I have to get my teeth fixed before anything else. Priorities.

There's a lot going on in my mind and in my life and it's hard to explain it all so I'm not even going to try.

I'm still feeling discouraged. I can't afford counseling. I have tried to confide in friends here, and have gotten close to my church family but everyone just encourages me to pray about it and to keep trying, don't give up.

But I really do feel like giving up. Not on the marriage. Just on sex.

User avatar
poetess
Under the stars
Posts: 2984
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby poetess » Sun Jun 25, 2017 11:19 pm

Butterfly, does your husband agree with that particular assessment of which priority is more important?
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

Butterfly
Twin size
Posts: 36
Joined: Wed Feb 01, 2017 9:48 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 8th, 2007
Gender: Female

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby Butterfly » Mon Jun 26, 2017 7:03 pm

Yes he definitely does. He doesn't really have much of a drive at all. He's on the Autistic spectrum and is kind of disconnected from everything in a way. We could use some more counseling I'm sure, for the emotional connection issues. There are a lot of different elements going into this. Neither of us has a high drive. I care because I'd like to be able to give him that pleasure. When he does have a need arise I am there for him but to not be able to have intercourse is hard on both of us. But at this point there are so many more things that are higher priority. We can't afford all the appointments right now.

And who knows if the appointments would help. What if my pain really is all in my mind? And I have very little emotional connection with my husband and that's why I'm struggling to get aroused? Then what? I would have spent all that money on tests that proved I was fine.

I have only ever had him and have never been with anyone else so I have no idea what it means to be attracted to someone. He's not unattractive. But I just don't get attracted to people in general. I never have chemistry. I've never had that feeling of "oh I want you to get on top of me right now" with him or anyone else. Some of it IS his fault. But my mind is so blocked. At least I think it is. Yet somewhere deep inside me there is a part of me that wants to express and connect and come out of my shell sexually. I just don't know how to get to there from here. If it's all in my mind, I'm so lost as to how to get there.

Oh I'd add that he's the one who told me to cancel the appointment because there wasn't any money available to pay for it.

saltcity
Newbie
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Jun 08, 2017 1:44 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): March 11th, 1995
Gender: Male

Re: Is it worth it?

Postby saltcity » Tue Jun 27, 2017 10:13 am

The link that Paul provided in his reply is a good one. It describes therapy that you can try on your own and with your husband. Granted, having a medical specialist helping you would be better, but if money is tight, going at it slowly together is better than ignoring the problem. Remember to have faith that you are still a whole person and God can heal you. Your marriage can be whole and complete. Your doctor has already confirmed that there isn't a medical problem causing this, so with faith, prayers, and persistence, this is a problem that can eventually be solved. Read that article and post back if you have questions about the specifics how you can do it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Return to “Pain during or preventing sex”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users