Vaginismus: Updated

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
mamame
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Postby mamame » Mon Apr 20, 2009 8:58 am

Maple, can you maybe give him OS and breast sex, and hand sex, and any part of your body sex that's not penetrative MORE than when he asks for it? I suspect he probably only asks when he just can't stand it any more.

Make sure he knows intercourse is off the menu, and focus on the play as pure fun for both of you. Double check that he understands that you don't even want a reference to vaginal sex because if you're like me that would flare up feelings of guilt - not what you want in your time o fun.

I would think that letting yourself become aroused without any pressure would be like the whispering. (I thought that was a great analogy btw)

If you said to your DH, I don't want you to ask for vaginal sex for the next 12 week. Not even hint about it. But in return, I am going to be focusing not only on my body, but on learning all kinds of new ways to pleasure you. If he has said in the past that he'd like sex 3 times a week, do it 4.

Don't just do it for him though. Enjoy it yourself. That's you whispering louder and louder.


Gosh, I hope that's not offensive, I haven't had any experience with this, so take my advice for what it's worth.

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Postby MapleSyrup » Mon Apr 20, 2009 8:52 pm

Mamame, your advice is not offensive in any way. I suppose I could initiate other forms of sex instead of only giving when asked. I guess I've just fallen into a rut of feeling sorry for myself and being frustrated that I can't seem to enjoy sex. I've told him over and over that I'm "broken". I need to learn to see past my own needs and see his first.
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Postby mamame » Tue Apr 21, 2009 4:08 am

Maple - don't do it just for him. You need it for YOU.

You deserve to have some fun the MB. That's not going to involve your vagina right now - but the rest of you should be having fun until your vag is ready to join in.

You need that intimacy and closeness. Can you O via oral sex? Load up on clitoral pleasure.

Let your DH learn how to make love to your whole body. When it's time to add in the vag.. that will just be the icing on the cake.

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Postby MapleSyrup » Sun Apr 26, 2009 2:20 pm

:evil: ::cb :evil: ::cb

So dh and I attempted penetrative IC for the first time in about 6 weeks today.... and it was one of THE most painful sexual encounters I've had in our 2.5 year marriage. I'm so frustrated. I'm thinking abstinence whilst using the dilators only made things worse! I don't know what to do!

I feel like crying. I feel like cursing. I feel like breaking something. I'm angry and I'm upset. It's non-directional anger. I don't know who or what I'm upset with. I think it's just the situation. I just wish so bad that I could have a normal sex life with my husband! I wish so bad that I could be excited for sex and look forward to my sexual encounters instead of fearing them.

I wish there were sex therapists in my town... but the nearest Christian sex therapist is about 3 hours away, which is quite a ways if I need regular appointments.

I feel like I'm broken. I feel like I'm a disappointment to my husband.


::cb
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Postby Sarah1 » Sun Apr 26, 2009 2:31 pm

I'm so sorry Maple. I know you're really trying and I feel so bad for you. ::bh

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Postby HisLadybug » Sun Apr 26, 2009 10:24 pm

Maybe if you have a non-Christian sex therapist in your area, it would be worth a try?

I'm so sorry you're discouraged. I'm praying for you and your DH.
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Postby MapleSyrup » Mon Apr 27, 2009 9:17 am

There are absolutely no sex therapists in my area, unfortunately. Christian or not.


:(
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Postby Job29Man » Mon Apr 27, 2009 9:21 am

Maple,

I can see the depth of hurt in your heart. I've been thinking about it. This is your marriage, and you are so committed to it. Bravo! Maybe you should go ahead to that clinic with the 95% healing factor, if you check it out and it's the real deal (not a scam). Yes. It could be worth every dime. (He says in ignorance, not knowing the cost of the program :roll: )
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Postby Sarah1 » Mon Apr 27, 2009 9:34 am

Maple,

Maybe you could check on-line with the Better Business Bureau to see if they've had any complaints, and to see if they have suggestions for other places to check their business/success record?

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Postby MapleSyrup » Mon Apr 27, 2009 9:36 am

I just posted to the other thread, but I'll update here too.

It doesn't really matter if this place is good or not anymore. I just received a price quote via email and it would require me to choose between a house and treatment.

$10,000 USD for treatment, not including airfare, hotel, or meals. Add the Canadian exchange rate to that, and it's a hopeless wish.
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Postby proudmom79 » Tue Apr 28, 2009 8:49 am

Maple, I could have written the same story as you when we were first married. We have now been married 9 years, but the first 2-3 were terrible. Like you, I found penetration excruciating. I would cry in pain and DH didn't know what to do, even though he was very gentle.

The advice I have is to take sex off the table (for now). What I mean was that every time DH and I would start making out, touching, kissing, etc. I would be nervous that it would lead to intercourse (which of course was terribly painful). So I didn't even want to have any physical contact whatsoever lest it lead to painful sex. But of course, the making out and foreplay is what would be necessary to get everything "ready" for sex. So, we almost had to convince ourselves that foreplay could just be foreplay. That let me relax and enjoy that type of experience without worrying about the sex it would lead to. Then, ironically, the foreplay would get me physically ready for sex and we would be able to have intercourse. Not that it was pain-free, but things gradually got better.

Another suggestion is using small toys, like bullet vibrators that you can control the depth. This can also be done with your husband. Maybe they can help you find that penetration can be pleasurable.

mamame
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Postby mamame » Tue Apr 28, 2009 1:22 pm

Maple...

Can I ask you to think about what you are afraid of?

It's not just the pain is it? Because you can control that right? He can remove his penis and end the pain (if I'm understanding this correctly)

so that can't be all of the fear

When you think about asking him to stop, or to not attempt IC, what feelings come up?

Are you afraid he'll be mad, sad, disappointed? Are you afraid it will never happen? Are you afraid he will secretly resent you?

If you can identify those fears, and work on them - it seems like you could take a lot of power away from the situation.

ie - if you knew your DH would stop immediately if it hurts AND he would still be satisfied and not disappointed that would make the situation feel differently wouldn't it?

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MapleSyrup
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Postby MapleSyrup » Tue Apr 28, 2009 1:39 pm

mamame wrote:Maple...

Can I ask you to think about what you are afraid of?


ie - if you knew your DH would stop immediately if it hurts AND he would still be satisfied and not disappointed that would make the situation feel differently wouldn't it?


Of course I'm afraid my husband will be disappointed/resent me! As many discussed in another thread, the major reason why men and women get married, is to have sex!

I fear the pain and that's why I don't like having sex. I fear the disappointment/resentment and that's why I keep TRYING to have sex. If DH stopped desiring sex, I'm pretty sure we'd be living a celibate marriage, because there would be no reason/motivation for me to try and over come this.

HOWEVER, the downside to this second fear is I feel RUSHED to complete my treatment and get "cured". My DH has NEVER personally rushed me, but I feel more and more anxious with each passing day and week that we don't have sex because I am TERRIBLY afraid he's growing in resentment or growing more distant from me.

Unfortunately, this gets me into a terribly self-defeating cycle. I abstain from sex to undergo treatment, I rush treatment due to anxiety of husband's resentment, treatment doesn't work because I rush it, I have to start over... which leads to MORE anxiety due to the fact that I'm taking even LONGER to give DH intercourse.

All in all, I dislike sex right now, but I love my husband. I wish I could like sex so it would be easy for me to show my love for my husband. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Between my hatred of sex due to pain and my love for my husband and wanting to fulfill his needs. I feel like a terrible person when I don't give DH sex, but I can't stand sex. And neither my dh nor I want sex to be one-sided for the rest of our lives, where only HE gets pleasure from it.

My life seems to be a series of circles and cycles that I can't seem to break free from.
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mamame
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Postby mamame » Tue Apr 28, 2009 1:51 pm

I'm so sorry Maple.

Are you doing non-vagina related things?

Do you enjoy that? Or do you always feel a nagging pressure to involve the V? (from your DH or yourself)

When you talk to your DH about it, what does he say? I am praying for a hedge around you to keep the enemy out. You don't need to be hearing his lies right now. Listen to your husband when he says it's OK.

This is a pattern that I found myself in with DH. I was putting pressure on myself - but thinking it was from him. (does that make any sense) Found myself resenting him, let it build up, caused all kinds of trouble and then I realized I was upset over something he never asked me to do! I just assumed he expected me to do it. I didn't believe him when he said it was OK if I didn't.

Craziness defined right there :)

You ARE a good wife. Look at how many on here have wives who don't care about their husband's sex lives at all. You are NOT in the same boat as them. You DH is not in the same boat.

You CARE! I've heard the men on here say time and time again that they could live without the actual act if they knew their wife CARED, and that she was doing her very best.

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Postby MapleSyrup » Tue Apr 28, 2009 2:02 pm

mamame wrote:I'm so sorry Maple.

Are you doing non-vagina related things?

Do you enjoy that? Or do you always feel a nagging pressure to involve the V? (from your DH or yourself)

.


Bingo. We have done other things, but I always feel like it is or should be leading to sex. DH says it's fine and he doesn't resent me. But a couple days ago when things didn't work out as far as IC goes, he wouldn't even let me finish him with a HJ. He just said "It's fine" and gently pushed my hands away. I felt like I had disappointed him. Like I had geared him up for IC, so when that didn't work a HJ was like being served mac and cheese when you were expecting an expensive steak dinner.


I've heard the men on here say time and time again that they could live without the actual act if they knew their wife CARED, and that she was doing her very best.


I don't feel like I'm any better than these wives that cause their husband's to become so very very bitter. It all boils down to the same thing, doesn't it? DH's needs aren't being fulfilled. I am failing as a wife. It doesn't matter whether I "care" or not... if the outcome is the same, I can't help but think the eventual bitterness and resentment will be the same result.
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mamame
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Postby mamame » Tue Apr 28, 2009 2:45 pm

MapleSyrup wrote:
Bingo. We have done other things, but I always feel like it is or should be leading to sex. DH says it's fine and he doesn't resent me. But a couple days ago when things didn't work out as far as IC goes, he wouldn't even let me finish him with a HJ. He just said "It's fine" and gently pushed my hands away. I felt like I had disappointed him. Like I had geared him up for IC, so when that didn't work a HJ was like being served mac and cheese when you were expecting an expensive steak dinner.



I don't feel like I'm any better than these wives that cause their husband's to become so very very bitter. It all boils down to the same thing, doesn't it? DH's needs aren't being fulfilled. I am failing as a wife. It doesn't matter whether I "care" or not... if the outcome is the same, I can't help but think the eventual bitterness and resentment will be the same result.


Did you ask your DH about the HJ? It's possible that he's thinking he doesn't want to place any demands on you, or that it would feel selfish to him etc.

I honestly do NOT think it boils down to the same thing. I've heard men say over and over that it's not. That they crave that emotional connection as much as the physical. It's just my opinion - but I think that's why men (in general) love oral sex so much. If I stop in the middle of a BJ and look up and smile at my DH... that big ole bear of a man MELTS.

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Postby MapleSyrup » Sun May 03, 2009 9:04 am

2 months with no sex + 1 night dh makes an effort to be romantic +1 more failed attempt at intercourse = disappointment + anger



:(


I hate my stupid body.
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Postby Job29Man » Sun May 03, 2009 9:59 am

Maple,

If we assume for a minute that this clinic is totally up and up, the real deal, very effective (and a money back guarantee would be nice). IF... Now ask the question this way...

"I have two choices.

I can buy a house and continue hating my body and crying myself to sleep at night because I feel I am .... (you fill in the blank with whatever you feel).

Or I can spend $10,000, $12,000, $14,000 and have the possibility of .... (you fill in the blank again)."

Homeowner and miserable in that home? Or...
Renter and happy in bed?

Does it help to re-phrase the question this way?

If someone came to me and said...

"I am a magic genie and I have but one wish to grant you. I see that you cannot have sex. I can give you the gift of a normal sex life. But there's a catch. I have to take away your home."

Know what my answer would be?

I would reach into my pocket as fast as humanly possible, and take out my keys. I would remove the house key from my keychain and press it into the genie's hand and say..

"Take my house it is yours. I would sooner live in a single-wide trailer that I rent for $500/month and have a sex life, than live in the finest mansion and not be able to be intimate with my wife in the way she deserves and I want."


To me a house is just a house. If I lived in a house with an unhappy marriage bed I would not call that house a "home". But if I lived in a shack with a happy marriage bed, now that would be the finest "home"! My Love Palace! (although the roof may leak, and I get no equity)

I'm dead serious about that Maple. It's just my opinion, and not any kind of judgment on you or anyone who would decide differently. It's just me. I'd sell a car, or get a second job, or work a payment plan with the clinic, or a discount, or whatever. But I'd be sure that I had some kind of guarantee on the other end. If that clinic has a real 95% success rate, that means they can afford to give the money back to only one out of 20 clients. They'd still make a PILE of money!

BTW I agree with the others that you ARE a GOOD wife by being so concerned. And your husband sounds like an absolute saint!!
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Postby MapleSyrup » Sun May 03, 2009 10:16 am

While I see your point, Job, I personally cannot accept it for a few reasons.

1) There is no money back guarantee
2) The success rate is an initial success rate, there is no guarantee I won't relapse
3) I think that the clinic is taking advantage of desperate women. There is absolutely NO reason they should be charging over $1000 a day for a few minutes of personal coaching... no specialized equipment, nothing. They are thieves of the worst kind (now, perhaps this is the Canadian in me speaking---afterall, I've never had to pay for any medical treatment)

Anyway, that's my rant. Don't get me wrong, I DO want to get past this. And if this clinic had a 100% success rate with a lifetime guarantee of no relapsing... then I'd be willing to make the sacrifice. However, I do not think I'd be being a "good steward" of the money God's given me by spending it all on a couple weeks in New York for the CHANCE of having better sex.
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Postby Seekryt » Sun May 03, 2009 10:21 am

MapleSyrup wrote:2 months with no sex + 1 night dh makes an effort to be romantic +1 more failed attempt at intercourse = disappointment + anger



:(


I hate my stupid body.



So, um, in two months he only made an effort to be romantic and seduce you once?
Always know where your towel is.


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