Vaginismus: Updated

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
mamame
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Postby mamame » Fri May 08, 2009 3:37 am

MapleSyrup wrote:So much to learn, so much to overcome.

I personally can't believe we haven't figured things out better in our almost 3 years of marriage.


:roll:


Seriously... you guys sound JUST like me and DH. Except we don't have the vaginismus/size problem. We've been married almost 20 years and STILL don't have the whole foreplay/arousal thing figured out.

I totally understand what you're saying in relation to arousal/orgasm.

Of course you guys have been over-focused on intercourse, because that's the thing that hasn't 'worked'. I would have been the same way. And 3 years into my marriage - I wouldn't have even known enough to talk about it. You're way ahead.

Oh.. and that whole 'your body is the broken one' isn't flying with me. It sounds like his size is just as much an issue. You aren't to blame for your vagina any more than he is to blame for his penis.

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Postby blushingwife » Fri May 08, 2009 3:51 am

I agree with mamame

You are so much more ahead in the game then we were at 3 years!
Only after 10 years of marriage, did we come to learn what REAL foreplay was! We also did not know much about the importance of proper clitoral stimulation in all stages of ML.

Even now that we know all this, it is not easy to break the old habit of jumping into IC before I am ready. And what is ironic is that it is ME who hurries DH up with foreplay because I get nervous it is taking too long - when it has not been long at all...

mamame
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Postby mamame » Fri May 08, 2009 4:18 am

blushingwife wrote:
Even now that we know all this, it is not easy to break the old habit of jumping into IC before I am ready. And what is ironic is that it is ME who hurries DH up with foreplay because I get nervous it is taking too long - when it has not been long at all...


me too!!!

hisfountain

Postby hisfountain » Fri May 08, 2009 12:00 pm

Maple, I agree that your DH needs to take ownership for his part in this.

Some thoughts come to mind:

It sounds to me like you both are too "goal" oriented. The big O is the point of sex to you both. Do you ever just make out? Have you ever tried just getting naked, taking clothes off and spending lots of time together exploring each others bodies?

Am I understanding correctly that your DH wants you to initiate OS, but he doesn't want to initiate OS on you? When he does give you OS does he simply just try to get you to O, or does he taste, lick, and really "perform" like he wants to do it and can't get enough of you? Do you do the same for him when you perform OS?

Your DH isn't viewing porn is he? I know this can give a guy a skewed idea of how long/what it takes to get a woman going. I'm not accusing, just wondering.

How long do the two of you think is too long to spend on you/foreplay?

The recent thread you started about imitating porn comes to mind. I'm wondering if some of that thinking is not entering your MB and inhibiting you, causing you to shut down? KWIM?

Do you think your DH would come here and get some suggestions on how to slow down and focus on you?

mrsp

Postby mrsp » Fri May 08, 2009 12:49 pm

MapleSyrup wrote:Oh the irony...

I need to be able to have sex to make a baby, but I need to deliver a baby before I can have sex. :roll: :lol:

So, yay, I get to live with this for the next 1.5-4 years then? :?

Well, they say that there are some who have gotten pregnant just by having sperm end up somewhere near the vaginal opening. I don't know whether it's true or not, though. I wanted to point out that a size discrepancy now doesn't necessarily mean a size discrepancy forever, but I would also be the first to say that the timing of a baby is a very personal decision, between H, W, and God. :)

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Postby MapleSyrup » Sat May 16, 2009 8:57 am

So dh and I tried again last night.

The good news is we broke our 2 and a half month dry spell.

The slightly okay news is we took it slow and it hurt less than normal

The bad news is it still hurt and burned during IC.


The burning sensation isn't one I usually get, so I'm thinking I need to switch lubes (We were trying a new silicone-based lube called "Vivid Girl" ... I don't think my body likes silicone lubes. I have yet to find a lube that I 100% like though, so we'll have to keep trying. Too bad lubes are somewhat of an expensive thing to buy).

Anyway... this thread has somewhat become a diary of my troubles. Maybe at some point the trial and error will help me succeed... and if it doesn't, I can print off the thread and give it to my doctor to read :roll:


Thanks for your continued thoughts, prayers, and advice.
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mamame
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Postby mamame » Sat May 16, 2009 10:29 am

maple.. is it weird that I thought of you and your DH this morning after ML with my DH?

I was thinking about how far we have come and how many seemingly insurmountable obstacles we have faced and conquered and I prayed for you guys.

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Postby MapleSyrup » Sat May 16, 2009 10:35 am

mamame wrote:maple.. is it weird that I thought of you and your DH this morning after ML with my DH?

I was thinking about how far we have come and how many seemingly insurmountable obstacles we have faced and conquered and I prayed for you guys.


Thank you so much, mamame. You've given me so much hope.
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Postby MapleSyrup » Mon May 18, 2009 10:32 pm

As some of you may know from reading my posts in other threads, DH and I recently had somewhat of a breakthrough. We were able to find a new foreplay technique that worked for us and actually got me aroused. That in combination with a vibe helped us achieve penetration with minimal discomfort. There was definitely still a little pain, but it was the least amount of discomfort I've ever had in my sex life. I'm really encouraged by today's results and I am so blessed to have you all encouraging me and praying for me along the way.

My only request now is that you pray this wasn't a one-shot deal. I want this progress to continue. Pray this wasn't a fluke. ::pray
"Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
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Drop by my devotional blog sometime!
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mamame
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Postby mamame » Tue May 19, 2009 3:43 am

Fluke?? no way!!

Now you KNOW your body can do a lot more than you thought with the proper set up.

Woo hoo for you guys!

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Postby facetoface » Tue May 19, 2009 5:43 pm

I"m so glad to read this good news!

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Postby Highlander » Tue May 19, 2009 11:02 pm

Maple,

OUTSTANDING NEWS!!! May God grant you continued blessings and less and less pain the more you ML...

"LORD, have mercy upon your servant, and grant her and her husband your blessing and a continuation of the joy you've given them in their marriage bed, through Christ our LORD, Amen."

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Postby HisLadybug » Wed May 20, 2009 8:00 am

::clap You should be encouraged!!!
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I'm so lost for you
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Postby hisfountain » Wed May 20, 2009 3:31 pm

::praise ::praise ::praise ::praise ::praise

nurse89

Re: Vaginismus: Updated

Postby nurse89 » Wed Sep 16, 2009 9:45 am

I hope Im not too late in giving this response. Hopefully Maplesyrup, you've made more progress since your last post.

I have vaginismus and have been using the dilators from vaginismus.com and the program. Treating vaginismus with the dilators is only about 70% of the treatment. The rest involves journaling, an exerise called sensate focus, light sexual touch, sexual touch while having the dilators inserted, and other things. I can go into more details if you still need the help.


Take care and God bless.

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Re: Vaginismus: Updated

Postby triwav » Mon Jun 14, 2010 1:08 pm

I'm posting from my husband's login, but I myself have dealt with Vaginismus. We knew that something was going on, so I started researching and found that (even though I was never diagnosed with this) I had it. All of the symptoms were similar to what we were experiencing..and definitely what I was experiencing. I was so upset, thinking that I was the only one out there that couldn't consummate my marriage with my husband - and the worst part was the fact that we were virgins when we got married. After looking at this website: http://www.vaginismus.com/ I was able to start a program in helping me overcome this "fear" that I was having that was preventing me from enjoying my husband. I would totally suggest using these dilators. They were incredible and really helped prepare me for vaginal penetration. I started the program in July of 2008 and finished on October 25th, 2008 - the first day that we actually had intercourse (we were married November 2007). I want you to be encouraged to explore this program in helping you overcome your vaginismus. I know it's hard at times, but let me tell you - YOU CAN DO IT! :) Good luck!!

graceful_gamine

Re: Vaginismus: Updated

Postby graceful_gamine » Mon Jul 19, 2010 11:52 am

I posted this elsewhere, but I thought it be helpful to reach those on this thread as well. To summarize though, I am a firm believer in the dilators and in physical therapy with someone that specializes in pelvic floor pain. Good luck everyone!

I'd like to briefly share my story and my ongoing recovery so that it hopefully helps other women on this site.

When I first got married, sex was fairly painful, but it got better. The pain never entirely went away though, but it was tolerable and I figured everyone experienced pain sometime so it's normal.

A couple months in, I got what I thought was a UTI. Then, I increasingly got what I thought were UTIs. I was diagnosed with about 12 UTIs in 1 1/2 years. Eventually, I started having a burning UTI-feeling quite often and as time went by, almost all the time. Sex also got more painful--which I thought was because my vaginal area hurt all the time. That's when I figured something was wrong and I needed to get a better doctor. I got a pelvic ultrasound and found out I was also not emptying my bladder completely when urinating. I saw a number of non-helpful doctors. Finally I saw a gyno-urologist who looked over my medical records and said she couldn't tell if I had EVER had a UTI because no one had cultured my urine. She also mentioned the possibility of having interstitial cystitis which is a permanent inflammation of the bladder without an bacterial infection. (So, if I doctor tells you that you are getting frequent UTIs, make sure they are culturing it!--preferably by catherizing the urine so you get a really clean sample--and don't assume it's cultured just because they tell you that they are seeing lots of bacteria, like my doctors did.)

I kept researching things online all the time regarding this since doctors weren't overly helpful and came across the book Heal Pelvic Pain by Amy Stein. If you are having painful sex--GET THIS BOOK! You can read parts of it for free on google books. The book is actually about pelvic floor disorder and claims that a lot of things (interstitial cystitis, painful sex, premature ejaculation, irritable bowel syndrome, erectile dysfunction, vaginismus) are all caused by weakened and/or tightened pelvic floor muscles. The disorder can be started from something as benign as sitting on bleachers too long or from how you were potty trained as a child. Basically what happens, is your muscles start tightening up and then they literally shorten and weaken, which causes a lot of different problems that eventually involve your nerves, creating a lot of pain. My physical therapist guessed that I've had the problem for a long time, as I was unable to use tampons in high school--so it's not a problem that begins overnight.

So, since last April, I have been going to see a physical therapist that specializes in pelvic floor dysfunction (you can find a similar specialist here: http://www.pelvicpain.org/providers/find_provider.aspx ). They were the ones that diagnosed me with PFD. In fact, my vagina was so tight she couldn't finish the internal exam (and I have had gynecologists tell me that I am completely normal or that I'm simply small--they solution was to drink a glass of wine and use numbing cream for sex!!! But I actually had a physical problem!) Which, by the way, don't let anyone every tell you that you are simply small. A vagina should be able to fit a penis without pain--if it can't, it's because your muscles are tight, not because you are too small. A vagina with healthy muscles should be able to stretch.

Apparently my PFD had three main side effects: painful sex, UTI-like pain all the time, and keeping me from emptying my bladder completely. But, it was all due to PFD.

I have been doing a series of stretches to lengthen my pelvic floor muscles since they have shortened so much. When they are lengthened, I will start doing strengthening exercises. I am also doing ab-work because my abs were trying to pick up the slack from my pelvic floor muscles and thus weakened as well. I am also using a vaginal dilator and manual internal vaginal work in order to stretch out those internal muscles that are so tight. I am also working on regularly re-aligning my hips because apparently since the muscles are so shortened, they easily get out of alignment if I try to take too big of a step or something, thus causing a lot of pain.

Here's the weird thing: even thought the pain felt like it was coming from my urethra and that it was bladder pain (thus, thinking it was UTIs all the time), when my physical therapist finally pressed on a specific vaginal muscle I could feel that that was EXACTLY where the pain was radiating from. I am fully convinced that what I really have is pelvic floor disorder.

A couple weeks ago I started having sex for the first time since starting therapy (the PT wanted me to wait until I had progressed to the largest size dilator) and sex was completely pain free!! No numbing cream needed--not even really prolonged foreplay or anything (although lots of lube was needed). I still do get frequent burning pain, like a UTI, but my PT is confident that in time that will go away, and in the meantime, I know how to deal with it by doing stretches or re-alignment exercises.

The main thing I want to say is that pain during sex is never normal. Other pain is never normal either. I'm not sure I would've gone through so much trouble to get diagnosed (and it is troublesome for women to get diagnosed with problems like these!) if I had just had pain during sex and the not the constant burning all the time. But, I am so glad that I finally found the answer to my problems. I would very much recommend the book Heal Pelvic Pain and also finding a physical therapist who specializes in pelvic floor dysfunction, because they really should be able to help you.

Anyway, I hope this helps those that need it! I wish I had come across this information earlier--it's been a long couple years to get to the point that I finally feel as if I'm recovering.

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Re: Vaginismus: Updated

Postby jsaw » Fri Sep 20, 2013 8:18 am

I know this is an old topic, but I found it when I searched Vaginismus. After reading through the posts, I can relate to a lot of what I read. A lot of the symptoms sound like what My DW experiences.
She has always commented about things being tight "down there" during IC. even with lots of lube she still says that it burns down there. There have been some times when she was really aroused and things worked really well without any lube at all.

DW had a total hysterectomy about a year and a half ago. This caused more dryness issues. We went back to the gynecologist who prescribed estrogen. Also Dr. told her that she needed to keep having sex in order to keep things stretched out and working. (I was happy about that) that helped for a while, but then DW stopped using it
We tried CO which worked really well. I thought maybe we had solved the problem, but she still says that it burns a lot of times.

Right now we are at a point where to Me, it feels like She doesn't want sex and doesn't want to try to fix our problem. No matter what, She always has some excuse. I feel unappreciated



Here is something that I found on another site that I copied and pasted. A lot of it hits close to home right now.


•Rejection – “I’m so tired of being rejected all the time. What’s wrong with me that keeps her from wanting to have any kind of sexual relationship with me? First, it was just being unable to have intercourse, but now she hardly wants me at all. This whole thing makes me feel unappreciated.”

•Empathy – “My wife would be crushed if anyone found out about this. I feel so badly for her and I know she is going through so much pain. I believe that she means well and doesn’t intend to hurt me, but her problem is hurting both of us. I really feel sorry for her, and yet I have no idea what to do.”

•Guilt – “I feel so guilty for wanting to have sex at all because I know how painful it is for her. I can’t even look at her when we attempt sex because it hurts her and she is just trying to endure the pain. I have normal guy ‘needs’ and I’m not sure what to do about all this frustration. Is it selfish to want to be with the woman I love? Did I do something that could have caused this?”

•Anger – “I’ll admit I haven’t always been the most supportive of husbands. I’ve been so angry at the situation, angry at people who can actually have sex and just angry in general. It makes me mad when she pushes me away or ignores my advances. When I realize that it is not her fault, I’m not as directly angry with her, but I’m still angry inside.”

•Frustration – “I am trying with all my heart and soul to try and see her side of the situation. But, what about me? I have feelings too! All I want is to feel the emotional connection that sex is supposed to provide. Is that too much to ask?”

•Confusion – “I don’t get it! I always thought my wedding night would be the most wonderful night of my life and then … nothing. Now it is a year later and still no sex. The doctors say there is nothing wrong with my wife. What can we do?”

•Fear – “I don’t know how long I can do this. I mean, I really love her but come on! I don’t want to live forever in a sexless relationship. What is my future going to be like if this continues?”

•Distancing – “My home life is a mess . I might as well put my time into work or spend more time with the guys. At least my friends appreciate me and if I’m busy I won’t have to think about it.”



Right now, We do ML maybe once a week, but a lot of times it just seems like DW just doesn't enjoy it that much, and will say OK lets get it over with. She doesn't seem to like foreplay either, which doesn't help.

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Re: Vaginismus: Updated

Postby MapleSyrup » Fri Sep 27, 2013 11:41 am

jsaw,

Part of this process requires sympathy and understanding from you as Vaginismus is painful and more bad experiences with sex is only going to lead to more rejection.

However, part of this process is your wife's responsibility. She has to understand that rejecting and/or avoiding sex is not solving the issue--- it's making it worse. She has to recognize the importance of sex--- that sex is how you feel close to her, that sex is her spiritual and moral responsibility as a wife, that sex can be fun and amazing if she tries.

Commit to her that you will do everything you can to make sex enjoyable for her, but she needs to commit to try and to keep a positive attitude. Take things slow. The worst thing you can do is keep having more of the "let's get it over with" sex, as that is the most painful and the least satisfying for both of you.

The only way I overcame my Vaginismus was because of my own commitment to strive for a better sex life---even when it would have been easier to just avoid sex completely. My husband helped though because he was willing to slow down and take direction in what I needed in order to make sex enjoyable. Like everything in a relationship, it involves the commitment of both people.
"Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
(Martin Luther)

Drop by my devotional blog sometime!
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Re: Vaginismus: Updated

Postby jsaw » Fri Sep 27, 2013 6:53 pm

Thank You,

It is just depressing when DW just doesn't seem interested. She will a lot of time have has an excuse. If I try to fix the problem, or we find a solution to a problem, she will find another excuse. Like it just isn't important to her. It really makes a guy feel unappreciated.


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