Vaginismus: Updated

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
hisfountain

Postby hisfountain » Sun May 03, 2009 11:31 am

I promise you, Maple that the clinic that I gave you info on is on the up and up. It's also much more affordable.

User avatar
MapleSyrup
Hammock
Posts: 1118
Joined: Tue May 15, 2007 6:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 19th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: Alberta, Canada

Postby MapleSyrup » Sun May 03, 2009 11:41 am

Seekryt wrote:So, um, in two months he only made an effort to be romantic and seduce you once?


Yes, but you have to understand that he's been avoiding this kind of thing for fear I would feel "pressured". Which I am thankful for, though I don't want him to stop pursuing me. I'd like to continue to be intimate without intercourse, but that seems to frustrate him.

He told me last night he'd rather avoid sex completely than start a romantic evening and not end it with sex.

hisfountain wrote: I promise you, Maple that the clinic that I gave you info on is on the up and up. It's also much more affordable.


Yes, don't worry, I'm still looking into that one. Either way it will have to wait until I graduate University. So there is some time yet for me to give the dilators another go and see if I can be cured at home. However, if my graduation day comes and goes and I'm still having the same problems I'll probably seek out a specialized clinic.
"Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
(Martin Luther)

Drop by my devotional blog sometime!
http://thedailystumbler.blogspot.com
for those whose faith seems to have two left feet

mamame
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 7580
Joined: Sat Sep 17, 2005 1:16 pm

Postby mamame » Sun May 03, 2009 12:03 pm

MapleSyrup wrote:
He told me last night he'd rather avoid sex completely than start a romantic evening and not end it with sex.


:(

praying Maple

sweetangel

Postby sweetangel » Sun May 03, 2009 3:29 pm

mamame wrote:
MapleSyrup wrote:
He told me last night he'd rather avoid sex completely than start a romantic evening and not end it with sex.


:(

praying Maple


My dh is the same be explained to me once that it would frustrate him so much to not be able to go all the way with me when he is in that mood. I think your dh is normal.

Do you think just maybe you are sending out a vibe or your dh thinks that you dont want sex. I dont know I know there are times when I was heavily pregnant that I couldn't body wouldn't work my dh just kind of gave up thinking he was pressuring me but the thing was I wanted him and when I was honest and said even though I can't I want to please let me please you I need that He was totally open to other things.

User avatar
HisLadybug
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1884
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2005 10:18 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 11th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: West Coast

Postby HisLadybug » Sun May 03, 2009 6:02 pm

Maple, are you saying that he does not count "sex" as being a hand job or breast sex?

A night of intimacy can be very, very satisfying even with some sort of "alternate" ending....when I cannot have IC for one reason or another we sometimes resort to one of the above. It's not perfect but it fosters closeness and intimacy between us. There can even be foreplay involved, and you have the added bonus of knowing that you won't have to risk painful IC...that might help "recondition" your body a little.
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock and sweet you roll
lost for you
I'm so lost for you
-Dave Matthews band

User avatar
Seekryt
On the floor
Posts: 1695
Joined: Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:29 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): July 4th, 1999
Gender: Female
Location: Alberta, Canada

Postby Seekryt » Sun May 03, 2009 8:50 pm

MapleSyrup wrote:
Seekryt wrote:So, um, in two months he only made an effort to be romantic and seduce you once?


Yes, but you have to understand that he's been avoiding this kind of thing for fear I would feel "pressured". Which I am thankful for, though I don't want him to stop pursuing me. I'd like to continue to be intimate without intercourse, but that seems to frustrate him.

He told me last night he'd rather avoid sex completely than start a romantic evening and not end it with sex.


I reeaaaallly don't think that's reasonable. My response to an attitude like that, because sometimes I'm a jerk, would be that since you aren't getting any romance, you're not going to bother trying to have sex any more.

I get that he's frustrated. But, so are you.

I think he's shooting himself in the foot, here.

You need to be able to TRUST him, and to not feel pressured - he's doing it backwards.

hisfountain wrote: I promise you, Maple that the clinic that I gave you info on is on the up and up. It's also much more affordable.


Yes, don't worry, I'm still looking into that one. Either way it will have to wait until I graduate University. So there is some time yet for me to give the dilators another go and see if I can be cured at home. However, if my graduation day comes and goes and I'm still having the same problems I'll probably seek out a specialized clinic.[/q
uote]

MS, have you gone back and talked to your Dr again about the dilators not working?
Always know where your towel is.

User avatar
MapleSyrup
Hammock
Posts: 1118
Joined: Tue May 15, 2007 6:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 19th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: Alberta, Canada

Postby MapleSyrup » Sun May 03, 2009 10:16 pm

I can't get back in to see the gynecologist, but I do have an appointment with my family doctor tomorrow to discuss alternate birth control options, so I'll probably bring it up with him and see what he says.

I honestly didn't have a very good experience with the gyno. The doctor was insensitive, rough with me, and quick to push me out the door. I really like my family doctor though... so I'm hoping he can help me, but I don't have high hopes since he referred me to a gyno for a reason.

We'll see, I guess.


--------------

No, my DH does NOT consider HJ or breast sex to be sex. The only thing that comes close for him is oral sex. Which I do try to provide him with... but it's still not the same as IC and he's disappointed that I don't just initiate OS, rather than leaving on the table for him to ask for.

All in all, we're both frustrated. We both are at a loss as to what to do to satisfy one another. It's a difficult situation that I hope we can overcome relatively soon.
"Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
(Martin Luther)

Drop by my devotional blog sometime!
http://thedailystumbler.blogspot.com
for those whose faith seems to have two left feet

sweetangel

Postby sweetangel » Sun May 03, 2009 10:28 pm

MapleSyrup wrote:but it's still not the same as IC and he's disappointed that I don't just initiate OS, rather than leaving on the table for him to ask for. .



I can I ask why you dont just do it without him asking?

User avatar
HisLadybug
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1884
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2005 10:18 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 11th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: West Coast

Postby HisLadybug » Mon May 04, 2009 9:39 am

Maple wrote:No, my DH does NOT consider HJ or breast sex to be sex. The only thing that comes close for him is oral sex. Which I do try to provide him with... but it's still not the same as IC and he's disappointed that I don't just initiate OS, rather than leaving on the table for him to ask for.


Hmmmm. I am wondering if your DH is short-changing himself here. If you had more alternatives to IC it seems as though the pressure would be off you more. I don't know why I think this, but I wonder if the pressure to have IC ASAP is delaying your treatment progress? At the same time, if you offered OS during your intimate times, would that help his state of mind? He probably feels guilty asking you for things, but at the same time feels like he'll go crazy without any sexual stimulation.

You don't have to have IC to be sexually intimate. I think your DH is severely limiting himself by not considering breast sex/hand jobs to be actual sex. I think it could go a long way in helping you recover. JMO.
Sweet like candy to my soul
Sweet you rock and sweet you roll
lost for you
I'm so lost for you
-Dave Matthews band

hisfountain

Postby hisfountain » Mon May 04, 2009 9:43 pm

Maple, does he perform OS or MS on you?

User avatar
MapleSyrup
Hammock
Posts: 1118
Joined: Tue May 15, 2007 6:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 19th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: Alberta, Canada

Postby MapleSyrup » Mon May 04, 2009 10:25 pm

hisfountain wrote:Maple, does he perform OS or MS on you?


Occasionally. When he does he gives up pretty quick though. I think he gets frustrated that I'm not entirely sure how to guide him and it takes me a little while to decide whether or not something feels good. So he'll ask "How's that?" and I'll answer "I'm not sure yet". :roll:

What can I say? Our marriage bed needs some serious repairs. :|

Anyone have a magic wand (and no, the Hitachi doesn't cut it, I tried :P )? Quick cure-all? Genie in a bottle?


Ah, well, at least we're actively working on the problem rather than trying to ignore it. I hope beyond hope that someday soon I can post "CURED!" on this thread and close it down. Until then, I always appreciate the thoughts, encouragement, prayers... really anything. I take some comfort in knowing there are people out there who care and are trying to help.


I've also come to the realization that it is very difficult for me to get aroused. The last time I remember being truly "on-fire-hot-for-you" aroused is when dh and I were dating and used to makeout. It seems like my senses have been "deadened" somehow. Which is weird because I can have orgasms with my vibe, but I don't get that desirous aroused feeling... I just instantly go to an orgasm. I don't know if my arousal problems are another symptom of vaginismus, or if my vaginismus is a symptom of my arousal problems. I originally thought arousal difficulties might be due to hormonal birth control, since the timeline fit. However, I went to the doctor today and he basically scared me out of using any form OTHER than hormones as birth control. So, I'll be trying a different kind of hormonal birth control to see if it helps, but it doesn't look like I'll be coming off of it completely as I had originally planned.

So many factors. How do I get to the root of my sexual problems when there are sooooo many confounding factors floating around?
"Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
(Martin Luther)

Drop by my devotional blog sometime!
http://thedailystumbler.blogspot.com
for those whose faith seems to have two left feet

User avatar
Highlander
California King
Posts: 897
Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2009 2:23 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 17th, 1986
Gender: Male
Location: In the Canadian Rockies, the gates to Heaven

Postby Highlander » Mon May 04, 2009 10:44 pm

Oops, sorry. No offense intended.
Last edited by Highlander on Tue May 05, 2009 1:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Regulus
Twin size
Posts: 33
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 9:37 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 6th, 1992
Gender: Male
Location: Indiana

Postby Regulus » Tue May 05, 2009 6:04 am

It's probably true that Maple's DH isn't handling this well. But we should cut him some slack, I think. This is a lot for a young newlywed husband to deal with, especially with this being a post-marriage surprise. I don't know how well I would handle it in his shoes.

MapleSyrup, would he consider getting on TMB and talking about his side of things? We might be able to encourage him to work at it, give him tips, etc.

As for you, you mention that you got turned on making out before marriage. Might this be something you could try now? I don't know if DH will have the patience, but maybe you could talk to him about it as a possible solution, so he can "psych up" for it later.

blushingwife
Under the stars
Posts: 3925
Joined: Wed Jul 25, 2007 6:59 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 14th, 1997
Gender: Female

Postby blushingwife » Tue May 05, 2009 6:12 am

Maple,

I understand that your doctor is advising you to remain on hormonal BC, but I really think you should try going without them to see how your real self is like despite of what he says. And I am curious: what is so "scary" about other BC such as barrier methods, FAm, etc? You getting pregnant? If done correctly the chance is minimal with those BC, but even if you did get pregnant... is it really that much worse than never having tried to experience a healthy drive?

By the way, I have BTDT, trying different kinds of hormones, but they were all awful and destroyed my drive - me, a naturally HD person! The bottom line is that my body would NOT accept any change at all on it's natural balance, and I suspect it will be the same for you.

I just think that there is no reason to waste time keep beating a dead horse with these BC, after all you guys have been through.

I don't know much about vaginismus, but I know that when I was on hormone last time, I did experience pain occasionally during IC - that after having given birth 5 times!

User avatar
MapleSyrup
Hammock
Posts: 1118
Joined: Tue May 15, 2007 6:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 19th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: Alberta, Canada

Postby MapleSyrup » Tue May 05, 2009 9:01 am

Regulus wrote:It's probably true that Maple's DH isn't handling this well. But we should cut him some slack, I think.
MapleSyrup, would he consider getting on TMB and talking about his side of things? We might be able to encourage him to work at it, give him tips, etc.


Yes, I must add that though DH isn't perfect (neither am I!!), he is trying to be extremely patient through all this. It really is a frustrating situation and gets the best of us both sometimes.

I have mentioned to him this thread is here. I have encouraged him to read it and comment, if he wishes, but I don't think he's even come here to read yet. He has posted on these forums before under the name "Mr.Maple" but I'm not sure if he'll comment on this thread or not.

blushingwife wrote: I am curious: what is so "scary" about other BC such as barrier methods, FAm, etc? You getting pregnant? If done correctly the chance is minimal with those BC


After asking my doctor about using barrier methods, he basically answered "so you two ready to get pregnant then?". While I realize getting pregnant wouldn't be the end of the world necessarily, and that I would adjust if the situation ever arose, my dh and I are far from being in the ideal situation to bring a child into our lives. I'm still going to University. I'm a year and a half away from graduating. That is the "danger zone" in my opinion. I need to absolutely get past that time before I can have a baby because as it stands I would not qualify for any kind of unemployment benefits or maternity leave. Our family boat would sink and I would not be able to finish schooling.

Ideally, I do not want to get pregnant for another 4 years so that I can work for a couple years in my career after graduating so I can generate better benefits and be in a good place to bring a child into the world. The last thing I want is for our first child to feel like a burden or unwanted. My doctor said that in his experience very few people actually use barrier methods properly and because of that they tend to have a failure rate of about 90% in the patients he's dealt with. He basically said don't go on barrier/FAM until we're okay with potentially having a baby. So basically, I figure I need to just get through this next year and a half on hormones and then I can use a barrier method for the remaining 2 years.
"Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
(Martin Luther)

Drop by my devotional blog sometime!
http://thedailystumbler.blogspot.com
for those whose faith seems to have two left feet

hisfountain

Postby hisfountain » Tue May 05, 2009 12:03 pm

Maple,

I agree with everything BW said.

Job, where are you?

Job gave some great advice to someone just last week I believe about the differences in BC methods.

You know your body best, and FWIW, I believe that staying on hormonal BC for so long plays a large part in the fact that I've never been able to have children.

Doctors really make me :evil: sometimes. Did you tell him about the pain you're experiencing?

If men were taking BC pills that lowered their libido like they do women's, I don't think a single dr. would be recommending they continue on them.

User avatar
MapleSyrup
Hammock
Posts: 1118
Joined: Tue May 15, 2007 6:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 19th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: Alberta, Canada

Postby MapleSyrup » Tue May 05, 2009 12:11 pm

I FOUND A CANADIAN CLINIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I must totally give Devoted2Dearling a virtual bearhug for an ABC article he posted last year. The article introduced me to Irv Binik (a Canadian University professor specializing in "human sexuality and particularly the sexual pain disorders, vaginismus and dyspareunia." Which theeeen led me to http://www.sexandcoupletherapy.com

The clinic is in Montreal... so still expensive as far as travel costs go, but their sessions only cost $55 per! And any medical treatment is free!

Yay! I can't wait to tell my husband about this place! Hmmm... I'm thinkin' we'll be taking a vacation in Montreal at some point if I can't get this resolved myself over the next year or so.


ETA: The only thing I'm worried about is that they are not intensively focused. They mention it could take "months" of therapy to get past this. I'd need them to specially formulate a therapy plan for me to accommodate the fact that it's a one-shot deal and would have to be no more than a 2-week sessional.
"Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
(Martin Luther)

Drop by my devotional blog sometime!
http://thedailystumbler.blogspot.com
for those whose faith seems to have two left feet

User avatar
MapleSyrup
Hammock
Posts: 1118
Joined: Tue May 15, 2007 6:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 19th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: Alberta, Canada

Postby MapleSyrup » Tue May 05, 2009 12:23 pm

hisfountain wrote:Maple,

Doctors really make me :evil: sometimes. Did you tell him about the pain you're experiencing?

If men were taking BC pills that lowered their libido like they do women's, I don't think a single dr. would be recommending they continue on them.


Yes, my doctor knows about the pain. He received a memo from the gynecologist outlining my condition.

I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaally wish there was a male form of BC OTHER than condoms. Why can't guys take a pill of some sort? :roll:
"Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
(Martin Luther)

Drop by my devotional blog sometime!
http://thedailystumbler.blogspot.com
for those whose faith seems to have two left feet

blushingwife
Under the stars
Posts: 3925
Joined: Wed Jul 25, 2007 6:59 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 14th, 1997
Gender: Female

Postby blushingwife » Tue May 05, 2009 12:44 pm

Maple,

I am expecting baby 6.
As much as love my kids to death, love my life and would not mind more than 6 at ll, pregnancies are extremely hard on my body. So much so, that DH and I fear the consequences on my long term health if I get pregnant again without giving my body a rest after this baby.
So like you, I too am breaking my head trying to figure out birth control methods because I can't get pregnant for a while.

So I am doing a lot of research and have come to the conclusion that combining FAM, condoms and diaphragm will be an extremely reliable solution. I may even buy an electronic ovulation monitor as well just in case.
I know of people who got pregnant on the pill or patch, as well as miscarriages, but I don't think the pill industry and doctors are very interested in that info... And I agree with hisfountain about the possible effects of long term hormone usage on a woman's fertility.

I am sorry if I keep standing on my soapbox against hormonal birth control, but for me they were like poison, and I am angrier everyday reading more and more about how they affect other women's health, sex lives and marriages. :evil:

MapleSyrup wrote:[ Why can't guys take a pill of some sort? :roll:


Funny you say that. I just saw this in the news today.
I wonder what effect it has on these men's health and well being though

User avatar
MapleSyrup
Hammock
Posts: 1118
Joined: Tue May 15, 2007 6:24 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 19th, 2006
Gender: Female
Location: Alberta, Canada

Postby MapleSyrup » Tue May 05, 2009 12:55 pm

I've considered combining barrier methods, and I may still do that if Yaz doesn't work out well for me, but there are a few factors that make non-hormonal BC options very difficult for us:

1) We can't find condoms that fit properly. DH is "bigger that average" and his girth makes it extremely difficult to find a condom that doesn't "choke" him out. We've tried large sizes. The problem is most large sized condoms only increase their LENGTH and do not change in their girth.

2) I have a difficult enough time having sex as it is, nevermind having to worry about something inside of me. I always take the NuvaRing out for intercourse because I get tense worrying about hurting myself or dh with the ring (irrational fear or not, it still makes an already tense/difficult situation that much worse) so I really don't know how I'd be able to deal with having a big ol' diaphragm shoved up there.

3) FAM: My schedule is ALL over the place. If I had some sort of routine at ALL this may be an option. But I have a difficult enough time remembering to take pills daily, nevermind having to keep track of my body changes on a daily basis. As well, due to the fact that I'm so high strung and in a stressful point in my life, I really doubt my cycles would be consistent enough to accurately track my fertility.

Now, all this said, I AGREE with you BW, in that hormones are far from ideal. I know they have an effect on my body. Unfortunately, I just cannot afford to take risks with my birth control and I also cannot afford to be using a birth control method that makes me even more anxious about having sex. I have a hard time relaxing for sex as it is, nevermind adding fear of pregnancy on top of that for each LM session.

I am honestly torn. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I cannot afford to get pregnant, but I also don't want to live with the side effects of BC. It's a hellish decision to make. However, ultimately, living with side effects is a heck of a lot easier than living with a baby that I can't afford and didn't plan.
Last edited by MapleSyrup on Tue May 05, 2009 1:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Let the wife make her husband glad to come home and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
(Martin Luther)

Drop by my devotional blog sometime!
http://thedailystumbler.blogspot.com
for those whose faith seems to have two left feet


Return to “Pain during or preventing sex”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users