Newlywed but still no penetration

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
Merc
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Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby Merc » Sat Sep 28, 2013 7:47 am

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Last edited by Merc on Thu Apr 24, 2014 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

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SeekingChange
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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Sep 28, 2013 7:56 am

First, know that you are not alone. Someone just posted recently with a similar issue, by the name Gillian. Check out her thread here. If you can't get to it you may have to click on WHAT ARE YOU NOT SEEING?? at the top, and subscribe to Intercourse (PIV) & Positions
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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby Leah » Sat Sep 28, 2013 8:00 am

This is a good thread as well. You will need to subscribe to the Sexual Challenges forum to see it.
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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby John143 » Sat Sep 28, 2013 8:06 am

I highly recommend getting with Gillian about this. She had the same issue and was able to overcome it.
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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby alee » Sat Sep 28, 2013 5:38 pm

May I suggest a return visit to your doctor?
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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby Merc » Sat Dec 14, 2013 2:20 pm

Back again... Forgot to check for replies. Well two months has turned into four months. :( i am so disappointed in myself. I want to have sex. :( I still give hubby a hand job about six times a week (and we absolutely love what intimacy we can have, but we want SEX!) but I just can't get aroused for actual intercourse.
Has anyone else had experience with the pill messing them up? We have been wondering, but since I am a virgin, I can't really compare my "arousal" with what I was like premarriage.
I am hesitant to make a dr appointment, just because I don't want to "waste" money if the only problem is simply my fear of penetration.

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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby John143 » Sat Dec 14, 2013 3:44 pm

Have you talked to your doctor about this?
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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby ledgemoor » Sat Dec 14, 2013 4:21 pm

Welcome back!

You have been to a gyn, so apparently the hymen isn't preventing it. Can you use tampons? I have never seen a dilator set, but I went to Amazon to look at pictures, and it looks like if a tampon goes in, the littlest one should go in too.

Can you or your husband insert a finger? DW is pretty small there too, and the angle is pretty critical. With a finger you can feel what it's like in there and understand better how to insert a dilator or penis. If you haven't already, get a mirror and flashlight and learn as much about yourself as you can.

DW was on the pill a while and it started to affect her libido. However, you WANT sex, so that is a good sign! Can your husband bring you to orgasm manually or orally? Or can you masturbate to orgasm?

Regardless, I don't see how lack of arousal would prevent penetration. DW gives me charity sex a lot when she is not aroused. There are obvious physical changes that take place when you are aroused: lubrication and swelling of the labia. And, the entrance to the vagina gets TIGHTER, not larger. This all makes sex more pleasurable for both of you. But if a woman is not aroused, unlike a guy :-), you can still have sex -- you just have to use artificial lube (which you should do at first even if you are lubricating naturally), and he may be more likely to hit your cervix when he thrusts inwards, but a small change of position would fix that.

"Just" fear of penetration is still a very real problem. Try the little things that we recommend, but if you can't solve the problem pronto, I wouldn't hesitate to spend a little money on a doctor's appt. This is your marriage we are talking about. Bring your dilators, and the gyn can help you and your husband learn to use them.
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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby mamame » Sat Dec 14, 2013 6:15 pm

I'm not a fan of dialators and such until you know there is a physical problem.
Can you use a tampon?
Can your husband insert his (well lubed) fingers?

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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby George B. » Sat Dec 14, 2013 11:30 pm

I want to encourage you--it took my bride and I six weeks of patience and lots of tries before we were able to achieve full penetration.

In our case, it was a combination of several factors, most of them physical, but at least part of it psychological (fear of pain on her part causing tension). We think even the lube we were using was part of the problem.

When she visited the OB/GYN before we were married, the exam was extremely painful for her and the doctor told her that she might have difficulty because she was "small" down there. Not sure what he meant by that, as the vagina is supposed to be stretchy, but there you go (I think he meant her hymen, probably). Anyway, the combo of her smallness and my size meant that it took us a while to achieve penetration--more than most, I think.

We were finally able to do it by just trying a little at a time, making sure she was very aroused before we attempted penetration, and using lots of lube. If she experienced pain, we would back off. I would lose my erection if we pushed too hard and she was expressing a lot of pain, anyway, as I didn't want to hurt her.

We just took things very, very slow. We never used dilators (we might have, but didn't know they were an option) but we did try penetration with one finger, and then more. Eventually, we moved to trying insertion of the penis, which we took very slowly and over many sessions. We got there after six weeks, but even after that, we had to take things slow, as it could get sore and somewhat painful for a while afterwards. We had to be careful and slow with PIV until after she delivered her first baby, and then things got very easy after that.

We're 17 years in our marriage now, and intercourse is very easy and natural and fun. So, I hope that encourages you.

Keep working on it with your husband. Try to relax and make it as fun as possible when you make love (don't make it into a chore!). If things get painful and/or tense, back off for a bit. Don't stress over it but switch to something fun for both of you. Make sure you're having orgasms, and having an orgasm before he attempts penetration may help with tension issues. If you drink alcohol, a glass of wine beforehand may help you relax. Use lots of lube that you like (experiment with different types--coconut oil is a great one, but there are lots of other good artificial ones on the market, like Astroglide). Enjoy your early sex life and remember that you have the rest of your lives together to enjoy your marriage bed--that thought may help with perspective.

And keep coming back here for help, if you need it. That's what we're here for as a community.
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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby robin » Sun Dec 15, 2013 2:10 am

Since you have already gotten an all clear from the doctor and there is nothing physically preventing you from making penetration possible honestly I would say it's time to just the bite the bullet. At this point it seems your fear is the biggest problem.

In addition to a glass or two of wine enough to relax you but not make you sloppy drunk, try some vagisil cream (available at any grocery store or stuffmart). It will numb your bits up so that you won't feel as much of that initial pain if at all. Between that and the relaxation from the wine and the numb-ish bits this should help things. Once you get that first time out of the way things aren't usually as bad. Be sure to use a cold compress once it's over to sooth any soreness, or more vagisil.

So put on your big girl panties (in spirit) and give it another genuine shot or two. If you try wine and vagisil twice and STILL can't get through it then get to a doctor ASAP. It's not a waste of money, it's taking responsibility.
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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby OldMarriedLady » Wed Dec 18, 2013 5:05 am

Merc wrote:Has anyone else had experience with the pill messing them up?

Yes, hormonal birth control is notorious for messing women up. It kills libido and sexual response for the majority of women who use it. You may want to look into an alternate form of BC.

Also, if you click on the "What Are You Not Seeing?" link at the top of every page, you can find instructions for joining Usergroups to see hidden sections of the board. There is a Birth Control section that has informative threads you could read.
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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby CarrieLovesHerManDFC » Tue Feb 18, 2014 7:21 pm

It took DH and I two months to finally get the P in the V. It was very frustrating, but we just took things slow.

Patience is the only advice I have for you :) And lube! lol

God Bless,

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Re: Newlywed but still no penetration

Postby HisLadybug » Wed Feb 19, 2014 3:01 pm

The Pill can absolutely be affecting your arousal and response to your husband. You've gotten a lot of good advice. Part of your issue is probably fear at this point, and I can understand why. But do yourself a favor and get off the Pill - it will probably make a difference.
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