Sex is painful, advice please

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
CardDolphin
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Sex is painful, advice please

Postby CardDolphin » Tue Nov 19, 2013 8:31 am

Hi. This is my first post, so please forgive me if I don't give enough information. I've been taught to not be graphic, so stepping out to share this information is a major step for me.

I am a virgin who just got married yesterday in a beautifully anointed ceremony. This is my DH's second marriage after being divorced for 25+ years. Our first night was painful, but not in the way I was thinking might be possible. Instead of experiencing a quick flash of pain within me due to the hymen, I instead felt painful stinging each time penetration was attempted and DH moved downward. It felt like some tearing took place, so any subsequent time DH moved downward the pain was to the point of bringing me to tears. :(

I've been able to wear tampons for the last 5 years (mini, regular and super sizes). Two years ago I had a vaginal ultrasound which I expected to be painful, but it was not. However, just about 7 months ago when I had to have another vaginal ultrasound, it was so painful that the technician could not complete the procedure. Since that time, I've only been using mini and regular sized tampons. DH is much larger than anything that's ever been in that area!

So, my questions are:
What can I use in the area to heal the tear both physically and numbing the pain? What suggestions are there for stretching the area so I fully receive DH?

Thank you for whatever help you can provide. I've been reading posts here for several months in preparation for being able to fully love DH and I want our union to start off with good experiences. I've waited a long time for this; and always wanted to give this special gift to my DH. I'm confident that God has a solution for us!

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Mrs Weller
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Re: Sex is painful, haven't been able to fully have sex

Postby Mrs Weller » Tue Nov 19, 2013 2:12 pm

Have you tried a WOT position. It gives you a lot more control over ho fast and how deep things happen?
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byrhtnoth
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Re: Sex is painful, haven't been able to fully have sex

Postby byrhtnoth » Tue Nov 19, 2013 4:16 pm

CardDolphin wrote:Instead of experiencing a quick flash of pain within me due to the hymen, I instead felt painful stinging each time penetration was attempted and DH moved downward. It felt like some tearing took place, so any subsequent time DH moved downward the pain was to the point of bringing me to tears. :(


This sounds a lot like what happened on my honeymoon. Our first few times PIV sex worked out fine... but one of those times, some skin tore on one side--so everytime during penetration my wife felt a horrible stinging any time I moved to penetrate a little more.

We did figure out she had a little tear--barely noticeable, but enough to be like a papercut that can just cause too much pain for how small it seemed. For us, after having sex for 2 days after getting married, we had to wait about 5 weeks for my wife to fully heal until we could engage in PIV sex again (or do any penetration at all--oral or manual).

Why did it happen? Well, it was her (and my) first time--her body probably wasn't totally ready for it and we didn't use enough lube. After using Eros lube for years, we rely on coconut oil now... Haven't had that kind of extreme problem since our honeymoon 10 years ago.

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beautyfromashes
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Re: Sex is painful, advice please

Postby beautyfromashes » Tue Nov 19, 2013 5:48 pm

Any hormonal changes? Are you on the Pill? Maybe starting menopause? (I'm asking that since you said your DH had been married 25+ years previously. :) )
Deep intimacy always requires work, acceptance, and forgiveness. Lots of it. ~~ Linda Dillow

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facetoface
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Re: Sex is painful, advice please

Postby facetoface » Tue Nov 19, 2013 7:40 pm

You didn't mention, so I'll ask: Did you use plenty of lube during penetration?
This can be extremely helpful.

I had a similar experience to what you described. We did not know about lube and I had pain until after the birth of my first child. If I knew when what I know now, we could have shortened this time of pain significantly. There are ways to deal with this problem. It will just take some trial and error to find out what will work for you. In the meanwhile, when making love, your DH should make sure that you have an orgasm every time - via oral or manual or whatever works for you.

CardDolphin
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Re: Sex is painful, advice please

Postby CardDolphin » Wed Nov 20, 2013 10:37 pm

Thanks so much for your responses. Here's some additional information that may help.

Mrs Weller wrote:Have you tried a WOT position. It gives you a lot more control over ho fast and how deep things happen?


Yes, we tried it, but still painful. Part of the issue is that I probably wasn't initially lubricated, so the tear took place during the first attempt at penetration.

byrhtnoth wrote:
CardDolphin wrote:Instead of experiencing a quick flash of pain within me due to the hymen, I instead felt painful stinging each time penetration was attempted and DH moved downward. It felt like some tearing took place, so any subsequent time DH moved downward the pain was to the point of bringing me to tears. :(


This sounds a lot like what happened on my honeymoon. Our first few times PIV sex worked out fine... but one of those times, some skin tore on one side--so everytime during penetration my wife felt a horrible stinging any time I moved to penetrate a little more.

We did figure out she had a little tear--barely noticeable, but enough to be like a papercut that can just cause too much pain for how small it seemed. For us, after having sex for 2 days after getting married, we had to wait about 5 weeks for my wife to fully heal until we could engage in PIV sex again (or do any penetration at all--oral or manual).


It really helps to hear that this has happened to others... and yes it feels similar to an extreme papercut. I spoke with a pharmacist yesterday when I was looking for a cream or something that would numb the area and also help heal the tear. The pharmacist told me to not put a cream down there, but to take 2 Tylenol every 2 hours. He also said that this was not unusual. I'm really praying and hoping that the healing takes less than 5 weeks. Let me also mention that my husband is being great about all of this; he's very patient, gentle and understanding. I'm the one mentally putting pressure on myself with my desire to fully consumate our union.

beautyfromashes wrote:Any hormonal changes? Are you on the Pill? Maybe starting menopause? (I'm asking that since you said your DH had been married 25+ years previously. :) )


No, I'm not on the pill. I've had my hormone levels checked as recently as this summer and I was told that I'm not even near premenopausal. Also, my husband was married for only 6 years and has been divorced for over 25 years.

facetoface wrote:You didn't mention, so I'll ask: Did you use plenty of lube during penetration?
This can be extremely helpful.

I had a similar experience to what you described. We did not know about lube and I had pain until after the birth of my first child. If I knew when what I know now, we could have shortened this time of pain significantly. There are ways to deal with this problem. It will just take some trial and error to find out what will work for you. In the meanwhile, when making love, your DH should make sure that you have an orgasm every time - via oral or manual or whatever works for you.


Yes, we've been using Astroglide. We also have KY jelly and KY Hers and His, though we haven't tried either of the KY yet. We may not "graduate" to KY Hers and His until down the road. We forgot to bring coconut oil. Is it much better for our situation than Astroglide? At this point, I'm ready to make whatever investment is necessary.

Regarding the orgasm, are you saying that should happen before penetration is attempted?

Again, all your help is so greatly appreciated. I will also check out other posts on this topic.

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George B.
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Re: Sex is painful, advice please

Postby George B. » Mon Dec 09, 2013 10:42 pm

we highly recommend coconut oil, as long as you're not using latex condoms with it. It has a way of healing "tears." My DW would experience small tears every time we had sex for the first few years we were married. It was painful for her, and the lube we were using at the time didn't help. Giving birth for the first time fixed the issue, though.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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IM_a_Farmwife
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Re: Sex is painful, advice please

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Wed Dec 25, 2013 11:49 am

It was always painful for me. I just put up with it for years. But after the birth of my first child, I healed shut. It was pretty traumatic. I had to go back and have reconstructive surgery. The first reconstructive surgery was not successful, so then, I told my ob/gyn, "go ahead make things easier for me and make my opening just a tad larger." She made me slightly larger and things have been smooth sailing ever since. The frequency has been daily since I healed back in '95. Life is so good. :D


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