Pain/Fear preventing sex

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
Waterhobit

Pain/Fear preventing sex

Postby Waterhobit » Thu Aug 21, 2014 6:21 am

My wife and I have been married for about 5 months now, and as of yet, have been unsuccessful in our attempts at PiV. My wife has visited a gynecologist who gave everything the A-OK. When we attempt PiV the difficulty that we run into is that my wife pushes back/closes up/scoots away. I am able to insert a finger with mild discomfort on her part, but nothing beyond that. I am running out of ideas of things to try. I have suggested dilators several times, but she is not open to the idea. All of this is increasingly frustrating for the both of us, although I try not to let her see my frustration or disappointment. It is difficult to continue trying with no hope in sight, and with each failure she becomes very upset, feeling like she is letting me down and that there is something wrong with her no matter what I say.

I have no clue what to do anymore. All of this would be much easier for me to handle if our physical relationship wasn't so one sided. She isn't the experimental type and doesn't usually care for new things, and I am unable to communicate my desires and preferences to her because she always takes it as criticism and either becomes very defensive or depressed, either of which immediately kills the mood. Lately when she does start manual stimulation she falls asleep on me.

ren
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Re: Pain/Fear preventing sex

Postby ren » Thu Aug 21, 2014 7:30 am

Waterhobit wrote:I am unable to communicate my desires and preferences to her because she always takes it as criticism and either becomes very defensive or depressed, either of which immediately kills the mood.


I don't feel qualified to speak to the rest of your concerns (I have experienced painful sex, but at a very different level from what you and your wife are experiencing). However, I dealt with the defensive/depressed reaction with my husband for a long time. I am easily over-stiumlated when he tries to manually stimulate me (just over two years and no O for me during PIV, so manual stimulation is how I enjoy sex). He has been chronically too rough and touches in areas that are too sensitive. When I first talked to him about it he wouldn't stop what he was doing and would get defensive and depressed because I was criticizing him.

I probably didn't approach my directing him well -- I can be a very critical person, and when someone is hurting me my initial reaction is usually harsh. I'm not saying you've been harsh, but I am being honest about where we were so you understand what worked for us and why it worked.

We eventually talked about this outside of the bedroom, in a far less charged atmosphere. He still struggles to take my direction sometimes, but it's something he's working on. I also control more of my sexual stimulation these days (which may not be an option for you).

So, my advice is this: talk to her about your preferences when you're fully clothed (preferably with no intention of trying to have sex in the next few hours). Make sure you can do it without getting frustrated. Use "I" statements ("I feel rejected when we can't try ...", "I feel frustrated because we haven't . . .") rather than blaming her -- but still be clear about what you need/want and make sure she understands this isn't a criticism of her.

Do you know if your wife has ever used tampons?
Are you much larger than average?
Are you using lubricant when you're putting your finger inside?

Waterhobit

Re: Pain/Fear preventing sex

Postby Waterhobit » Thu Aug 21, 2014 10:11 am

Thanks for the response and advice. I feel odd saying it, but I know that I am not being harsh with her am certainly not blaming her. I am the a-typical, sweet, sensitive guy when it comes to my wife. But, I do like your suggestion to bring up the discussion at a time away from the bedroom.

To answer your questions:
She has not, and I have asked her to consider using them because I know this would probably help, but she adamantly refuses.
I am probably slightly larger than average, but not much
Yes on occasion, but usually there is no need.

She refers to the feeling of a finger as "presure" and seems uncomfortable. My impression is that she is primarily uncomfortable with the sensation, and feels awkward about it. She doesn't want anything down there, and I feel like she only allows what she does, because she feels obligated. For the record my wife is very self-conscious and in general has very low self-esteem. When we attempt PiV we never reach the point of insertion/pain because of her fear of the pain.

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txtwindad
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Re: Pain/Fear preventing sex

Postby txtwindad » Thu Aug 21, 2014 12:02 pm

First, welcome to TMB. Trouble with PIV is not terribly uncommon and there are a lot of threads on here that you can read through giving advice and success on getting past this. But your situation seems to have elements that are much different. I'm really seeing hints here that your wife really doesn't want a sexual relationship. Even though PIV may not be on the menu just yet, there are many more things that are. Are you bringing her to orgasm or attempting to through oral or manual means? I may be reading something that's not there, but it sounds like she probably isn't letting you do this. Did you have premarital counseling? Was sex discussed? Her reaction to even discussing tampons or dilators is troubling.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

Waterhobit

Re: Pain/Fear preventing sex

Postby Waterhobit » Thu Aug 21, 2014 1:37 pm

Bringing her to orgasm is not a problem through oral or manual stimulation, unless there is insertion, which sorta kills the mood for her. One of my "complaints" for lack of a better word is that this oral/manual stimulation is often quite one sided. I don't think that it is a lack of desire that holds her back, but fear of pain, regarding penetration, and a fear of failing or not doing something right, when it comes to everything else. This is part of what makes it difficult to talk to her about any of this is that I feel it comes across as a confirmation of her fears.

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txtwindad
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Re: Pain/Fear preventing sex

Postby txtwindad » Thu Aug 21, 2014 3:48 pm

OK, that's easier to deal with. She's built up an irrational fear. We all have done that from time to time. She needs to understand that the only failure is letting that fear stop her from taking steps to move forward. You guys seriously need to get a set of dialators. Right now you really don't know how much of a problem she has. If she can't handle the smallest dialators then you need to get a second opinion on the gyn front.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

sd595
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Re: Pain/Fear preventing sex

Postby sd595 » Thu Aug 21, 2014 3:59 pm

I just want to add Waterhobit that I'm glad you are here and working actively on this. Many people have a problem and then ignore it and not work on it, so I commend you. Something that may help your wife is to say "Wife, I know you are fearful of this, but we can work on it together. It is going to be a great blessing to both of us to grow through this together."
Get out your bible and see what He says. Pray to Him right now and ask Him for His wisdom in the matter. He will not fail you if you put your faith and trust in Him.


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