Approach to pain: keep trying slowly or get it over with

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
e+v
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Approach to pain: keep trying slowly or get it over with

Postby e+v » Wed Sep 10, 2014 8:12 am

Hi everyone,
This is my first post but I've been reading for awhile. I'm so glad a forum like this exists and I thank you all in advance for your advice!

Basically, my husband and I have been married a little over a month now and still haven't been able to fully have PIV because it hurts me too much. Now we haven't been trying every day for this month, far from it, we've only tried a few times but each time it hurts me too much for him to go all the way in. From reading here and other sites, the advice for women in this position seems to be 1) Keep trying and it will happen or 2) Go to the doctor because you may need your hymen removed.

#2 is not a good option here because getting married involved me moving to another country so I don't have insurance yet. Also, before I got married I went to the gyno and one of my questions was: if my hymen could pose future problems, doctors who did exams in the past would have pointed this out, correct? My gyno assured me that this was the case - if my hymen was abnormal or could pose future problems, it would have been noticed in past exams. Regarding my hymen (I've never typed 'hymen' so much in my life haha), I've been wearing tampons for almost 10 years. My husband is also able to fully insert 1 finger with no pain at all. He can insert 2 fingers fully, but it is quite painful. Perhaps my hymen can stretch for the size of a finger or tampon but stretching more hurts? I'm really not sure if this is a hymen issue.

From reading this site we've done two things that helped: waiting until after I O from oral, and putting on music. That makes it easier, but he still can't go all the way in. He can put maybe 1.5 inches in. I'm taller than he is and he's really average sized (luckily! as he keeps pointing out haha), so it's not an issue of fitting.

We've also identified two problems from this site and general knowledge: I'm on the pill and we've been using KY lube.
Re: the pill, it really noticeably lowers my sex drive (have been on and off after puberty for various reasons and I can feel the difference on myself), but for a lot of different reasons (a lot of which aren't even related to pregnancy prevention) I'm NOT willing to go off it at this point in my life. Also I don't know how much going off the pill would help with the mental/emotional aspect since I don't know how much I could enjoy sex with the constant fear of pregnancy in my mind. It is imperative that we do not get pregnant now so we are using both the pill (which has multiple other benefits for me) and condoms combined. The unfortunate side effect is it make me less interested in sex and harder to get aroused.
The lube we are using is KY but I've read here and we've now learned from experience that we need to get a better one - KY dries too quickly. This is easy to fix and will be rectified soon ;)

We decided to just move slowly and use his fingers to stretch me and keep trying to get deeper and deeper each time we try PIV until we can eventually go all the way. However my worry is this: when we try PIV, it's not at all enjoyable for me. It's painful and because of this and probably a lot owing to the pill, none of it is fun for me. I've read on here that some couples need months, even years, to fully PIV. So I'm worried that if for months or years, every time we try PIV and it hurts me and is a failure of an experience, I will become really averse to it. (I call it a failure because when we try, we eventually have to stop because my husband loses his erection - it's not fun or arousing for him either to think he's putting me in pain!)

One last point is positioning. I've read a lot of advice that the woman should be on top to control the penetration, but on top is way, way too painful for me. That hurts from just the entrance. Me on my back is the least painful for me, but it's hard to maintain. If I'm propped up on pillows it gets tiring for him on his knees the whole time, but missionary is impossible if he's not fully in because it keeps sliding out. Finding the right position is probably his biggest frustration.

So all of this information and background is to ask what you advise in my situation: Plan 1) Keep trying slowly and little by little work our way up to full intercourse and just wait for the pain to eventually subside, if it ever does. OR Plan 2) Just push through the pain and go all the way in to get most of the pain over at once and actually start enjoying sex. (For the record, my husband is very much in favor of Plan 1, but the more we try the more I lean towards Plan 2. He hates so much the idea of me in pain he doesn't want to try Plan 2 at all.)

Does anyone here have experience with this? Did anyone try Plan 2 and regret it? Did anyone try Plan 2 and is glad they did? If you chose Plan 1, how long did it take?

And before you ask or suggest, we ARE pleasuring each other in different ways. This has been great and wonderful and rewarding, but let's be real: we want to have sex. Strictly oral is only enjoyable for so long when you can finally have sex and ladies I'm sure y'all know that I can't give a HJ/OS every day or my arms would fall off ;)

ledgemoor
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Re: Approach to pain: keep trying slowly or get it over with

Postby ledgemoor » Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:59 pm

Hi and welcome!

Sorry you are going through this. We achieved penetration the second day, but she was sore on and off for years, until childbirth, due to just being small there, so I can empathize :D.

BTW, the gyn advised us during our premarital exam that we would have no problems. She had no hymen due to tampons or exposure to menstrual fluid over the years. But we did have problems, so I guess you can't always tell by looking. But, he also didn't ask how big or small I am! Maybe your husband is more endowed than he knows :lol:.

Also, before I got married I went to the gyno and one of my questions was: if my hymen could pose future problems, doctors who did exams in the past would have pointed this out, correct? My gyno assured me that this was the case - if my hymen was abnormal or could pose future problems, it would have been noticed in past exams.

Did he even look? Past exams don't really matter. It's the state of things now that you are concerned with. And I am not convinced that a doctor would mention an intact hymen on a non-sexually-active teenager, or analyze the thickness, etc. with respect to difficulty in future intercourse.

but he still can't go all the way in. He can put maybe 1.5 inches in.

It seems to me that if it was the hymen and he got that far, going the rest of the way should be no problem. His penis is the same diameter 5" back as 1.5" back, right? Are you measuring the 1.5" from the labia, or where the vagina actually starts? Maybe the 1.5" is the depth of your vestibule.

The first thing I would do is get a mirror and flashlight, and both of you familiarize yourself with the lay of the land down there. You can find clinical photographs online for reference. If you have a hymen I would think you could see it without a speculum.

Explore inside yourself with your fingers. You should be able to feel your cervix. Maybe he is pushing against that and causing pain? The pain would be different than

To answer your title question, from everything I have read, it is best to go slowly. Get a set of graduated dilators. Amazon sells them and hopefully ships there, but if not you can find them somewhere. I wish we had known about them before we got married. Not only are they good for stretching, but good for you to explore with. Try different angles & different depths, starting with the smallest of course.

But I wouldn't spend too much time trying to solve this yourselves. Go ahead and pay out-of-pocket to get it looked at. It will be way cheaper than counseling or psychiatric therapy later on.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Approach to pain: keep trying slowly or get it over with

Postby C_Brown » Wed Sep 10, 2014 8:09 pm

It's possible for a woman to have a really tough hymen, and if so she can even have (painful) sex with full insertion of the penis without losing her hymen. Rather than the hymen rupturing normally it tears a bit and stretches a bit allowing for intercourse but causing pain. DW had this, and once discovered it is very easy for a OBGYN to fix.

There could be other causes of pain too. See a doctor as soon as you can. There may be woman's health resources for people without insurance where you are.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

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Re: Approach to pain: keep trying slowly or get it over with

Postby mamame » Thu Sep 11, 2014 6:23 am

I do not recommend option 2. You could do some serious damage to either or both of you.
It's interesting that he finds being in his knees too tiring. How long are your sessions lasting? Does he have any health problems?

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Re: Approach to pain: keep trying slowly or get it over with

Postby e+v » Fri Sep 12, 2014 5:00 am

@ ledgemoor
I did what you suggested and investigated my hymen more with a mirror. I'm no expert, but to my untrained eye it looked and felt very elastic and flexible and was mainly confined to the edges of the entrance. Neither of us really feel it's a hymen issue since that's easy to get past. As you said, he's the same diameter at the top and the base, so if the first third can get past the hymen the second third should as well. (Also the 1.5 inches is from the entrance to the vagina, not just from the vestibule. I can definitely feel him inside.)

@ mamame
No, he has no health issues and is in great shape. He works out and runs almost every day. Just staying up on your knees (as opposed to sitting on your knees) gets tiring.

The pain is not at the entrance; it's a flat, blunt resistance as he gets deeper in.
For the time being we're going to continue trying to stretch me out, perhaps buying dilators as was suggested if it gets harder to continue stretching with fingers. In the beginning one finger was painful and now I barely feel it, so having seen progress with that we're going to continue until I can fit 2 fingers comfortably before trying the size of the penis again.
It seems like everyone is against pushing through the pain, so thanks for talking me out of that one :)

lulu123160

Re: Approach to pain: keep trying slowly or get it over with

Postby lulu123160 » Fri Sep 12, 2014 5:41 am

Hi There!

I don't have any awesome advice because my DH and I were (kind of still are!) in the same position as you, but your story sounds similar to ours so i'll try and help a little!

We have been married 9 months and PIV for me has been really difficult too and painful...I suggest you stick with plan 1! That's what we have been doing and it DOES get easier :) Going for plan 2 could injure you and you don't want that! Listen to your body, if it's really painful you shouldn't keep going. It most probably will be a bit painful but if it's agonising you should stop.

I do find that if I haven't O'd before its much more difficult..and with regards to the lube..we had originally started using KY jelly too..and we found it didn't really work at all. We bought some coconut oil and since we've bought it we have been having much more success with PIV (my husband has O'd inside of me twice in a week..which after nothing for 9 months is quite significant!!)..We had been making slow but steady progress for the past 3 months and it's only been recently that we've been able to properly PIV. First time wasn't exactly a lovely feeling but it wasn't sore, it just mostly felt like a lot of pressure inside of me..second time was pretty much the same!

One of our big things has been the position too...missionary works best for us. And I prop a pillow under my hips to lift me up a bit...then I guide my husband to the 'right place, down there' and let him know when i'm relaxed and ready for him to push in..if the tip doesn't slide in fairly easily and if he feels like its a brick wall you most probably aren't positioning it quite right. I find its least painful when my husband and I are very parallel to one another.

Hope this maybe helps a little! Best tip though: Buy coconut oil and give it a try! (Unless your using condoms though because it will break them down.)

Blessings!

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Re: Approach to pain: keep trying slowly or get it over with

Postby e+v » Fri Sep 12, 2014 5:52 am

Hi lulu! Thanks so much for your input! It's great to hear from someone in the same position :)

Congratulations on your progress and patience. I'm feeling how you felt - it's not a lovely feeling, it really doesn't feel like anything except a whole lot of pressure and tightness. This is not what I was waiting around for hehe. But thanks for giving me hope from your story and I can't wait until we are where you are.

And we are using condoms so no coconut oil unfortunately, but we bought a much better lube that we tried last night and are much more satisfied with.

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Re: Approach to pain: keep trying slowly or get it over with

Postby ledgemoor » Fri Sep 12, 2014 8:29 am

Glad you are making progress and have ruled out your hymen as the main issue. Since it is something else, you definitely don't want to force anything. The movie Bolero is bad in more ways than one. Sex isn't supposed to hurt, and when it does, it is your body keeping you from injuring yourself.

The pain is not at the entrance; it's a flat, blunt resistance as he gets deeper in.

As you said, he's the same diameter at the top and the base, so if the first third can get past the hymen the second third should as well. (Also the 1.5 inches is from the entrance to the vagina, not just from the vestibule. I can definitely feel him inside.)

It might well be the cervix then. Angle is more critical than most books and posts here would have you believe, at least in our experience. Touching it or even mild pressure shouldn't cause pain. Usually, the pain is caused by the penis repeatedly slamming into it during intercourse. But even constant pressure would hurt too if there was enough of it, and it may be extra sensitive that since it isn't used to being touched. Once it gets used to the being touched it shouldn't hurt.

Feel in as far as you can, and you should feel it. He especially should explore all around inside using one finger to form a visual image of where everything is in there. Look for your G-spot while he's at it.

Angle gets less critical as you get aroused, because the cervix moves up (reference: you lying on our back)
and out of the way. But if you are anticipating pain, that isn't going to happen. He should still be able to enter painlessly, even though you aren't aroused. Just adjust the angle so he goes under your cervix.

As for position, we use some sort of face-to-face 90% of the time. Variety is nice, but face-to-face is the best for emotional connection. Once I get all the way in, we have quite a bit of flexibility in how we position ourselves without worry of it coming out. Supporting yourself on your knees while in missionary position is very tiring, and I'm a cyclist. I support myself on my knees while entering, then we roll slightly to the side so I am still more on top than not, but with the mattress supporting most of my weight on my side. We can hug and kiss, or separate our torsos for breast play and hand stimulation.

I am nearly twice the size of my wife, yet she can comfortably support my whole weight comfortably for a while. So he shouldn't worry that he is going to crush you.

A position you might try when experimenting with angle is for you to lie on your back, heels against your butt, close to the edge of the bed. He stands up, but controls his height above ground by positioning his feet closer together or further apart.

And one other thing. If you weren't using condoms, that would be one less thing to worry about. Research this for yourself -- don't take a crazy internet guy's word for this -- but the chances of getting pregnant during your periods, assuming you have regular periods, is very low. If you're not into that, you are safe for a few days afterwards. It's really nice touching each other with nothing inbetween too.

Continue to patiently persevere -- you will resolve this and enjoy the gift of marriage to its fullest. Blessings!
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)


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