Sex withOUT intercourse

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
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Newman
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Sex withOUT intercourse

Postby Newman » Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:47 pm

Not sure where to post this, figured this was as good as any...

So my DW suffers from a rare genetic disorder called Hailey-Hailey disease (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hailey%E2%80%93Hailey_disease) which causes itchy and painful lesions on her skin. Some medications can keep the symptoms at bay, but there is no cure. To make things worse, the blisters usually appear in places where skin rubs together and there is moisture.....soooo.....the genital region tends to be prime real estate for flareups. The net effect of this is that a) intercourse is frequently uncomfortable/painful for her, and b) her genital area is essentially "off limits" for me to touch during foreplay. Touching or stroking in the area where lesions appear can activate new ones, and quickly...

This is INCREDIBLY frustrating, as you might imagine. Normally there are times during the month when the H-H is less active, and we are able to have intercourse and even OS on her without causing many problems. But lately the symptoms seem to be worsening, to the extent that she has had sustained flareups for two months now. That means either no sex, or sex that she suffers through for my sake, which in the end feels AWFUL :( for me to know that she had to grit her teeth and suffer through.

A few days ago DW brought up this problem, and proposed that we needed to come up with ways to connect sexually that didn't involve PIV or MS/OS on her. She said she had heard on the radio program New Life Live about a therapist couple in which the wife had been a survivor of sexual abuse and couldn't have intercourse (she couldn't recall their names - possible anyone else heard. The host said about them, "They don't have intercourse but they have a very rich sex life." So, she asked "What do they DO??"

Here's the catch: I give her credit for seeing this problem and starting a conversation about it, but she also has some issues that complicate matters. First, she says she doesn't like doing activities that "make me feel like a prostitute" - ie, her "servicing" me when she can't participate. She has a weird disconnect where she can't really connect sexual activity to love, and so can't (or won't) get to the attitude of having joy in providing pleasure just for me - she needs to be involved in some way. Times when we have done HJ or other activities "just for me" she is pretty terrible at acting like she is into it, and it is pretty mediocre. And she doesn't care for OS on me (this may be more of a taste problem than anything - but still same problem w/ "servicing"). I suggested getting a vibrator as a way to give her pleasure and share orgasm together without irritating her skin, but she says she doesn't want anything mechanical.

So far my one success was suggesting massages - a chance for us to be in intimate contact, skin-to-skin, even if intercourse isn't possible. She liked that idea. But I'm kind of stumped beyond that, and am sort of thinking my DW's many restrictions don't leave us a lot of choices - on the one hand, she says she wants to pursue other possibilities, but on the other she has sort of shut down most options I can think of!!

Am I just not being creative enough? Can anyone help me out with ideas, or perspectives on our situation? Thanks!
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SeekingChange
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Re: Sex withOUT intercourse

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Oct 04, 2014 1:20 pm

Newman wrote:Here's the catch: I give her credit for seeing this problem and starting a conversation about it, but she also has some issues that complicate matters. First, she says she doesn't like doing activities that "make me feel like a prostitute" - ie, her "servicing" me when she can't participate. She has a weird disconnect where she can't really connect sexual activity to love, and so can't (or won't) get to the attitude of having joy in providing pleasure just for me - she needs to be involved in some way. Times when we have done HJ or other activities "just for me" she is pretty terrible at acting like she is into it, and it is pretty mediocre. And she doesn't care for OS on me (this may be more of a taste problem than anything - but still same problem w/ "servicing"). I suggested getting a vibrator as a way to give her pleasure and share orgasm together without irritating her skin, but she says she doesn't want anything mechanical.

Is this how she feels now, since she heard that message and is asking questions? Is this what she shared with you recently or are these thoughts from the past? Things can change, so if these are thoughts from the past I think you should talk to her about them again.
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Leah
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Re: Sex withOUT intercourse

Postby Leah » Sat Oct 04, 2014 4:24 pm

I wonder if there isn't more to be done to address the condition. It looks horribly painful. The article says there are dietary and weight management things that seem to help. Have those been tried?

To answer your question directly, how does she feel about breast sex? That might be an option if she doesn't have active lesions in that area.
Leah

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Newman
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Re: Sex withOUT intercourse

Postby Newman » Sat Oct 04, 2014 5:14 pm

SeekingChange wrote:Is this how she feels now, since she heard that message and is asking questions? Is this what she shared with you recently or are these thoughts from the past? Things can change, so if these are thoughts from the past I think you should talk to her about them again.


Yes, these sentiments are old ones, but they were voiced again in the same conversation as "we need to figure out other possibilities for sexual interaction besides intercourse." You see the source of my confusion :lol:
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

-2 Corinthians 5:17

mamame
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Re: Sex withOUT intercourse

Postby mamame » Sat Oct 04, 2014 6:40 pm

Many of our encounters are for his physical benefit and my emotional benefit. I'm cool with activities that don't involve a lot of physical pleasure for me because I don't need much of that right now. But I need my emotional tank topped off a lot. Usually this takes the form of basking in the glow of his admiration after os .
What is her definition of "getting something out of it" ?

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txtwindad
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Re: Sex withOUT intercourse

Postby txtwindad » Sat Oct 04, 2014 9:51 pm

I think she should be praised for being willing to think outside the box a bit. Pun fully intended, BTW. It immediately brings to mind things I have read about sex with people suffering from severed nerves. It is possible to develop new erogenous zones. I know little about this, but I think there is information available for para and quadriplegics. I would seek out some counsel in that area. A conversation with an occupational therapist that specializes in that area might be a good source of information. I think that the information I remember reading about this was a chapter in the book, "Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex."
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suffolk sinner DFC
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Re: Sex withOUT intercourse

Postby suffolk sinner DFC » Sun Oct 05, 2014 1:24 pm

Newman wrote:First, she says she doesn't like doing activities that "make me feel like a prostitute" - ie, her "servicing" me when she can't participate.


Maybe it would help to know what DOESN'T make her "feel like a prostitute." Has she told you?

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Newman
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Re: Sex withOUT intercourse

Postby Newman » Wed Oct 08, 2014 12:53 pm

Leah wrote:I wonder if there isn't more to be done to address the condition. It looks horribly painful. The article says there are dietary and weight management things that seem to help. Have those been tried?

To answer your question directly, how does she feel about breast sex? That might be an option if she doesn't have active lesions in that area.


Leah, yes - she has an appointment scheduled with a dermatologist (it's challenging to find one with any experience with this particular disease. So, we are actively pursuing better treatments - her experience is something works for awhile and becomes less effective over time.

She's okay with breast sex - we have done it before. She doesn't get much out of it, of course, but it's not off the menu :-)
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

-2 Corinthians 5:17

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Newman
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Re: Sex withOUT intercourse

Postby Newman » Wed Oct 08, 2014 12:56 pm

mamame wrote: Usually this takes the form of basking in the glow of his admiration after os .
What is her definition of "getting something out of it" ?


That is a GREAT question, mamame - I think she means largely physical pleasure, because she perceives that to be the primary benefit from sex. Again, for whatever reason, she doesn't connect a lot of emotion to it. But I will see if I can explore that question more...
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

-2 Corinthians 5:17

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Newman
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Re: Sex withOUT intercourse

Postby Newman » Wed Oct 08, 2014 1:00 pm

suffolk sinner wrote:
Newman wrote:First, she says she doesn't like doing activities that "make me feel like a prostitute" - ie, her "servicing" me when she can't participate.


Maybe it would help to know what DOESN'T make her "feel like a prostitute." Has she told you?


I think it's "mutual participation in intercourse" and/or OS for her.
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

-2 Corinthians 5:17


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