I'm at the end of my rope

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
thequarterback
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Follow-up to "I'm at the end of my rope"

Postby thequarterback » Tue Mar 21, 2017 8:03 am

I started this thread over a year and a half ago. I haven't replied in a long time. I guess this is since I did what everybody told me not to do. I continued to take the sex I could get during ovulation time. Baby is here. She's a beautiful, perfect, healthy girl. She was born into a loving but sexless marriage.

We have tried just once since December. It lasted less than 30 seconds before we had to stop. We were maybe intimate 3 times during the pregnancy, and it was still painful for her. I'm back in the rut. We do have an appointment with a specialist this week, but it has been a rough last couple of days for our marriage.

It turns out that this is a generational thing. Her great grandmother, grandmother, mother, and she have all had pain with sex. Apparently their husbands had very low drives, and this didn't seem to lead to marriage problems. I, on the other hand, have maybe the highest of drives, and this is causing tremendous problems in our marriage.

I have terrible thoughts and doubts all the time. I hate the man I am becoming. I'm angry ALL the time. It affects every area of my life. i resent her so bad! It's not the painful sex that I resent. I know she doesn't want that either. It's the overall lack of willingness to try much else that infuriates me.

I get mostly MS and finish into a rag or towel. Thanks, but I can do that myself! Yes I get OS from time to time, but it is the same every time. I'm not saying it's not ok. I'm just saying it is a routine that feels like it is just trying to get it over with as fast as possible. Everything else is pretty much off limits. Maybe if I snap, she might branch out, slightly, for the night, but it never lasts. On top of that, it almost feels like I'm sexually abusing her, because if she gives in, I know it's against her will.

You know, I'm worried about myself. I love God, but this is killing my relationship with him! It seems like an easy fix for him. I just wish I would have known about this before my marriage. I'm trapped now. I'm stuck between adultery (porn, affair, etc) and adultery (divorcing for a biblically unjustified reason) The only alternative to adultery is no sex.

I played both baseball and quarterback in the SEC. Do you know how easy getting sex could have been? I became a Christian, and turned down so many opportunities in college. I did this, because I knew that marriage was God's perfect plan for sex. You know, I'm saying this because my thoughts are that I should have taken advantage of that when I had the chance. I would have hated myself for it, but maybe it would be easier to deal with than this situation.

I'm just so angry!

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Re: Follow-up to "I'm at the end of my rope"

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Mar 21, 2017 8:28 am

Does your wife know that you are where you are with your feelings and emotions? Have you communicated them to her?

What about with God? You're angry with Him, have you gone to Him? What's He saying back to you? What's He expecting out of you?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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thequarterback
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Re: Follow-up to "I'm at the end of my rope"

Postby thequarterback » Tue Mar 21, 2017 8:35 am

SeekingChange wrote:Does your wife know that you are where you are with your feelings and emotions? Have you communicated them to her?

My wife knows

SeekingChange wrote:What about with God? You're angry with Him, have you gone to Him? What's He saying back to you? What's He expecting out of you?

I don't want to talk to him about this anymore

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Re: Follow-up to "I'm at the end of my rope"

Postby poetess » Tue Mar 21, 2017 8:44 am

Also, how old is the baby?
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Follow-up to "I'm at the end of my rope"

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Mar 21, 2017 8:49 am

Sincerely I ask, with a heart hurting for you, what do you want? Here on TMB and in life?

Are you just here to vent out the steam from your anger and resentment, so you don't explode but allowing the roots of bitterness to grow down deeper?

If you want any kind of healing, and peace and joy in life.... there are things that can be done, but only you have control over that. But, it seems like you aren't open to that at this point.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

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Re: Follow-up to "I'm at the end of my rope"

Postby Job29Man » Tue Mar 21, 2017 9:26 am

thequarterback wrote:We do have an appointment with a specialist this week

Brother, sorry you are going through this. Yes, your best hope is in pursuing the specialist thing very aggressively. Until then, all we can really do is listen. Let us know how that goes. Be sure to read thoroughly through this whole section on Painful Intercourse.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby gymaddict » Tue Mar 21, 2017 12:45 pm

Praying for the specialist visit this week, bro, and for you and your wife and Gods solution to your suffering.

I am so sorry that what should be a joyful chapter in your young adult life is so painful and taxing. My wife too has vaginismus so I understand some of your problem.

I havent read your full story but having quarterbacked in the SEC, you are a sophisticated guy. I applaud your purity in college and the deferment of sexual pleasure until marriage. I am a SEC fan myself and think it is the greatest conference going in the country.

Depending on the outcome of the specialist, you might want to think about a Christian counselor for you and your wife if there is such, in sex and marriage. Choose one that has a concentration in sex therapy.

Aside from that, I know you are young and proud and probably tight as a drum with the details of your suffering. But as an older guy myself, I would recommend to you that you find another man, sort of a Christian mentor who can help bear your pain and bolster you as a man. Men really do need other men. You just need to make the right choice in who you open up to. It should be someone you respect and who is tight lipped as a drum. Women complete us as men. Another man affirms us. You will feel better getting this off your chest to a man that you respect and will be praying for you and checking on you.

Godspeed and sincere prayers in Jesus Name for your answer.

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Re: Follow-up to "I'm at the end of my rope"

Postby thequarterback » Tue Mar 21, 2017 4:09 pm

poetess wrote:Also, how old is the baby?


Born Christmas day. Almost 3 months

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Re: Follow-up to "I'm at the end of my rope"

Postby thequarterback » Tue Mar 21, 2017 4:14 pm

SeekingChange wrote:Sincerely I ask, with a heart hurting for you, what do you want? Here on TMB and in life?

Are you just here to vent out the steam from your anger and resentment, so you don't explode but allowing the roots of bitterness to grow down deeper?


I think you are probably right about all of this. I have no one else to talk to. I think you nailed it.

SeekingChange wrote:If you want any kind of healing, and peace and joy in life.... there are things that can be done, but only you have control over that. But, it seems like you aren't open to that at this point.


I think you're right about this, too. I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have posted, because I don't even want to be encouraged. I don't even want to hang in there.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby poetess » Tue Mar 21, 2017 6:10 pm

Quarterback, have you told anyone in real life you feel this desperate and hopeless? You have a family who needs you and people who love you. It's time to talk to them, not to us. You need people who know you and love you.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby Job29Man » Tue Mar 21, 2017 7:50 pm

TheQuarterBack,

In July of 2015 I asked you about if you are committed to a church. You answered...

We are not currently active in a church. We recently left and are going through a move.

So the move is long past. What has been your involvement in and commitment to a local church since say, Christmas 2015, and now?

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby ledgemoor » Wed Mar 22, 2017 6:53 am

Hi QB:

So sorry to hear you have to go thru this.

The pain during intercourse that your wife is experiencing, while it may be real, is a smokescreen for larger issues, both of her heart and body.

It is obvious to me that she has negative attitudes towards sex. But a lot of people grow up receiving false teaching about sex and yet learn to enjoy it. Overcoming bad attitudes about sex is a lot easier if one has a libido.

Does your wife ever orgasm? Normal women are going to want sex at least on occasion. She likely has hormonal issues that contribute to her lack of sex drive and inability to orgasm, as well as pain during intercourse.

A lot of folks here aren't going to agree with me on this. You probably won't either, but I will share anyway. God doesn't expect you to live in a sexless marriage. We look at marriage as a piece of paper in a courthouse somewhere. Scripturally, marriage is much more. It is BEING married, doing married people stuff. Loving, honoring, cherishing, and yes, having and holding. If you have exhausted all possible avenues and she still just plain doesn't want to be a married woman, then she has effectively divorced you. You are free to move on. When Jesus says divorce is permissible for adultery, the Greek word actually is broader than adultery -- it is pornea, which is a catch-all term for sexual sin.

If she wants to, she is totally capable of getting to the place where she can be generous in bed without having PIV sex. There is no reason why she can't get a little semen on her hands or in her mouth or between her breasts. There is no reason why she can't receive oral sex. If she were generous in all ways except PIV, could you live with that?

Here is a suggested path for you. Tell her that your marriage cannot continue with basically no sex. That is not an option. You are willing to forego PIV if necessary, IF she is generous in all other areas, including receiving love from you. She must agree to find out why her libido is low -- there are bioidentlcal Hormone Replacement Therapy doctors that specialize in just that --, and do everything she can to fix that and to be able to have orgasms. You do expect her to address pain during PIV in the future, but after you establish the best possible sex life without it.

I do think a lot of the pain she is experiencing is mental. As asked previously by others, was pain a big issue before you were married? Women do experience pain from sex unfortunately. My wife is one whose pain was pretty much solved by childbirth, but she still gets sore sometimes. Your mind can easily build pain up to be much worse than it really is. People typically detest injections, even though they usually inflict very little pain. If she had a normal libido she would probably want PIV in spite of a little discomfort.

What is her attitude towards the upcoming specialist appt? Is she just going, hoping that the doctor will say he can't find anything wrong and therefore can't fix her, just to shut you up, or do you think she really wants to get better? If you are going to tell her that continuing with the status quo is not an option, it would be good to do it before that doctor's appt. If she sees that she is going to have to change, she is more likely to take advantage of whatever healing the doctor can offer.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby Job29Man » Wed Mar 22, 2017 7:06 am

Quarterback,

My wife got to a place where sex was really painful. She worked her way back now to where it's usually OK. This involved really intensive work on diet and supplements, and some exercise. I'm trying to get her to write down what she did so I can share it on TMB. I know that part of it involved taking collagen supplement powder in her tea.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby poetess » Wed Mar 22, 2017 10:12 am

Ledgemoor, I don't know that I agree with telling a mother of a newborn "Get over the pain stuff now, or I'll walk out." The OP agreed to stay in this marriage and father a child. They now have a new little one and probably some hormone and sleep issues. Hardly a time for an ultimatum.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby ledgemoor » Thu Mar 23, 2017 8:48 am

"Get over the pain stuff now, or I'll walk out."
That is not how I feel. What did I write to lead you to think that I do?
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby poetess » Thu Mar 23, 2017 10:10 am

Ledgemoor, this:

If you have exhausted all possible avenues and she still just plain doesn't want to be a married woman, then she has effectively divorced you. You are free to move on. When Jesus says divorce is permissible for adultery, the Greek word actually is broader than adultery -- it is pornea, which is a catch-all term for sexual sin.


They have a baby who is less than three months old--a hard time sexually in most marriages. She has ongoing pain. He was cautioned to work on the sex issues before a child came along, and did not do so. This is not the time for an ultimatum or for a husband and father even to think about the possibility of "moving on."
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby doug-h » Thu Mar 23, 2017 11:33 am

I'm not sure that there is a time to move on. You probably won't find any encouragement in this, but it bears saying. Things can change. I look at the date of your marriage, and the length of time that you have been married, and I have to say it is little more than a blink of the eye. My wife and I were separated by military deployments for probably two thirds of our first 3 years married. It sucks, for sure, but it is bearable. You have a lifetime to figure this out, and you don't want that lifetime to be filled with regrets.

This is a hard time for both of you. It would serve you well to forget all the angst from prior to the birth of your child, and start fresh.

Your anger is palpable. It is a living, breathing organism and it damages everything it comes in contact with. Mostly, it corrodes your own heart. I may have missed it, but I haven't seen anyone hold you accountable for it. I'm telling you now that it can easily be more destructive than any offense your wife may be guilty of. I am telling you that it is understandable, and yet still not justified.

I am also telling you that it can be overcome if you are willing. You can choose not to be angry. It isn't easy, and it will expose your heart to more pain than ever, because it is nothing but a mask that covers it all unDer one dishonest emotion. Anger is just a lie you tell yourself to keep from feeling.

Your true feelings may well win over your Bride, but your anger will only make everything worse.

I know I said a lot. I am sympathetic to what you are going thru. I lived it for 20 years. I was also consumed by anger for much of the last 20 years. I am thankful to say that it is behind me. It didn't just happen. I had to want it, and I have to remind myself that I want it every time it starts to come over me.

Find a group and talk about it. Let other men encourage you and hold you accountable.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby ledgemoor » Thu Mar 23, 2017 12:15 pm

poetess wrote:This is not the time for an ultimatum or for a husband and father even to think about the possibility of "moving on."


I didn't suggest that he move on now or ever for that matter. I am merely relaying what I understand scripture to say. I did say that IMO for it to be permissible to move on, he must exhaust all other options. He hasn't done that yet. As for the pain, I did not say "get over it". I did suggest that he be willing to forego PIV in order to avoid the pain.

He was cautioned to work on the sex issues before a child came along, and did not do so.

Ok, but what's done is done. That should not preclude us from continuing to try to be helpful to him.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)


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