I'm at the end of my rope

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
User avatar
Job29Man
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 8418
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2006 3:52 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 2nd, 1980
Gender: Male
Location: Hobby Farm, USA

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby Job29Man » Tue Jul 28, 2015 8:17 am

thequarterback wrote:No baby yet, but I have made a habit of reminding her that giving us one shot per month is clearly putting the odds in our favor.
Huh? Did you mean the opposite of this?
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

FaithSeeker48
Double
Posts: 97
Joined: Wed May 22, 2013 8:19 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): July 25th, 2009
Gender: Female

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby FaithSeeker48 » Tue Jul 28, 2015 8:19 am

Hi quarterback,

Former refusing wife here. Be honest and call out her sin first. Then if she creates fireworks about it tell her you want marriage counseling about this issue and you won't consider children until it's resolved. Honestly, imo, how can she want children but detest the method to making them? I personally didn't really want children until I got my head straight about sex first.

thequarterback
Twin size
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 27, 2015 10:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 6th, 2012
Gender: Male

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Tue Jul 28, 2015 8:23 am

Job29Man:

I was being as sarcastic as I could possibly be when I said that. I should have made that clear. Also, she is not ovulating right now.

cbmike: You made some great points. I was hoping that was the case.

DDudley14: I know, right? It has never made sense to me either.

FaithSeeker48
Double
Posts: 97
Joined: Wed May 22, 2013 8:19 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): July 25th, 2009
Gender: Female

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby FaithSeeker48 » Tue Jul 28, 2015 8:40 am

I can't post much more now because I'm at work.

I can tell you the premarital sex will be something you both will have to work through. It wasn't until I faced the shame and guilt of what we had done along with my DH seeking forgiveness for his role as well, that we were able to heal. Might be something to explore with her alone or with a counselor.


I'm a bottom line kind of girl, your DW may be different, but what really got my attention was 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5. I had been taught by my parents that sex was a taboo and it was very obvious growing up that sex was near the bottom on my mom's priority list. Love her, but I call it like I see it. I saw in black and white what I had been taught in practice was a direct contradiction to scripture. I HAD to change when faced with that. Otherwise, I would be a hypocrite. I hope this helps.

Edited for spacing and spelling errors.

User avatar
IM_a_Farmwife
King bed
Posts: 684
Joined: Tue Dec 17, 2013 1:03 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 24th, 1988
Gender: Female
Location: We live in the wide open spaces of the beautiful Minnesota River Valley.

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Tue Jul 28, 2015 9:28 am

thequarterback,

I am a very sex positive spouse. I have been positive throughout our entire marriage. The only time our marriage was a bit off sexually was when we had little ones in the house. I am telling you this because it's a big reality to many married men. Once the babies start coming, sex can and does get placed on the back burner. I had absolutely no energy for much of anything by the time 10 pm rolled around, when babies tied me down all day. I was exhausted. I never said no but the variety and enthusiasm went out the window temporarily. It's a fact that this happened in our marriage, an otherwise sex healthy marriage. Can you imagine what would happen to a marriage that is currently struggling in the bedroom when the babies arrive??? I am giving you a clear warning to straighten out the sexual intimacy part BEFORE the children arrive. Do not deviate from this plan. One night of DW's horny state because she wants to become pregnant is not fair to your future children, let alone you. Do you want to see what the end of the rope looks like after a few kids and a nonexistent sex life?

Unfulfilled
Hammock
Posts: 1226
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 3:08 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 5th, 1989
Gender: Male

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby Unfulfilled » Tue Jul 28, 2015 10:04 am

I understand a strong desire for children etc. but from his description, she is not wanting her husband sexually other than a sperm doner.

I agree 100% with farmwife. Definitely solve this sex issue now!!!!!!

Once she has her baby, there is no further need for sex. It appears she may believe that sex is ONLY a necessary evil for procreation.

I think you need to put your foot down. And maybe even consider NOT having sex on that one day she is "ready". That would have to get her attention I would think. A shot across the bow if you will. This seriously this is a huge deal that you MUST sort it out before kids come along.

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5498
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Jul 28, 2015 10:08 am

Your wife may not have ill-intent, she could just be unaware and not truly understand the difference between men and women, I didn't. If she's teachable, than she just may need an "education" that you could walk through together by reading different resources (TMB main site &/or forum, For Men Only, For Women Only, Love & Respect, Scriptures/Bible studies, etc) and then discuss it. COMMUNICATE! If there is more to it than that, bring in a mentor couple or counseling. It does not appear that your wife has a fortress around her heart concerning you, because often times at that point, it's a much harder thing to fight, and it truly becomes the Lord's battle as you wait...that's our experience anyway.

I personally believe that one should be led by the Spirit in their steps because He knows the hearts and knows what is best. What works for one, may not work for another. I also believe that you need to be putting your spiritual armor on and praying. It is often a supernatural thing, an act of God, for a wife's (or husband's) eyes to be opened and to really understand what's going on and what another's needs are, or to have the willingness to learn.

ETA: Don't forget, when you hear from former refusers, the other half of that couple is a success story of coming out of a refusal situation, it's just another perspective.

If your wife has any desire to join here, she has a friend in me and I can give you other names of women who would come alongside of her, with no judgement but with grace, understanding, a heart to help others with our own hard lessons we've learned.
Last edited by SeekingChange on Tue Jul 28, 2015 10:43 am, edited 2 times in total.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

thequarterback
Twin size
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 27, 2015 10:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 6th, 2012
Gender: Male

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Tue Jul 28, 2015 10:14 am

Thank you so much to everybody that has commented. You are all amazing. I really appreciate everything. I hear you!

I am really struggling with the conversation about not having kids until after we have fixed this. I literally cannot see any positive outcome to that conversation. I see that as a great way to destroy any progress that we me be making. I know that you are all right when you say this! I agree with you. I just have no idea how to bring this up. I did tell her last night that many people only experience this after the children are born. I told her that makes me not want to have kids, because I only see this getting worse from then on. I don't think that she responded to that. It was early on in the conversation when tempers were still flaring. I am up for suggestions that are "full of grace and truth", because I really cant think of a way to accurately express how I do not want kids until this is fixed in a way that will not harden her heart towards me.

thequarterback
Twin size
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 27, 2015 10:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 6th, 2012
Gender: Male

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Tue Jul 28, 2015 10:27 am

A quick update:

First, I just realized the extent of how angry I actually am about this. Let me say this, I am not a violent person. I would never hurt my wife. This is meant to be humorous, but I assure you it was true. I finally spoke to a good friend of mine on the phone about this issue. To make a long story short, his marriage has this same issue, except he is the low drive spouse. His DW sounded like me, and he sounded exactly like my wife. I wanted to choke him and scream, "Man up and go have sex with your wife!! What the heck is the matter with you!?!?"

Second, I had a revelation. As I was considering this message board, I was thinking about why I feel so abandoned by God in this situation. I told you already that my wife and I were sexually active with each other before we knew God. After we were born again, I still had a high drive, but I would pray and fast. God was always there to help me control it. Now, in my marriage, I try to use the same approach when I am having a desire to be intimate with my wife. Guess what! No help from God. Does He not care? He absolutely cares! I am just not getting help to control it, because IT IS A GOOD THING. He made me this way. I am supposed to burn with passion towards my wife. Why would He help me to suppress that?

The most important thing that I have learned from TMB and your comments is that I need to stop condemning myself for my high drive towards my spouse.

User avatar
cbmike
King bed
Posts: 735
Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2013 1:54 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 7th, 2013
Gender: Male
Location: Yarvil, OH

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby cbmike » Tue Jul 28, 2015 10:35 am

Explain that you think it is best for the health of your marriage if you postponed conceiving until your sexual relationship is more stable. You don't doubt the sincerity of her commitment to work on your sex life, it's just that the challenges of pregnancy and childbirth would make it much harder for her to keep that commitment. It's only a temporary delay, and you think it will end up benefiting everyone involved, including your future children.

I agree with SC that your wife is well-intentioned, she simply has trouble understanding your desire. The fact that honest conversations tend to produce change (even if it's only temporary change) suggests that she means well, and ultimately wants you to be happy too.
There's one thing I know, and this is it.

User avatar
Hiswifeagain
Under the stars
Posts: 3762
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:57 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 30th, 1984
Gender: Female
Location: The land of 10,000 lakes and road construction projects

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Jul 28, 2015 10:46 am

thequarterback wrote: I literally cannot see any positive outcome to that conversation. I see that as a great way to destroy any progress that we me be making.........I only see this getting worse from then on. I don't think that she responded to that. It was early on in the conversation when tempers were still flaring. I am up for suggestions that are "full of grace and truth", because I really cant think of a way to accurately express how I do not want kids until this is fixed in a way that will not harden her heart towards me.


Hi QB, another former refuser here. I like to give refusers the benefit of the doubt that they are just misinformed/uneducated. As others have mentioned progress can be an overnight change or come in fits and starts and it means getting her re-educated and properly informed about God's plan for sex in marriage.

If your progress is destroyed by speaking truth in love, (with gentle and firm words from a pure heart) then you didn't really have progress as much as the illusion of progress, IMO.

So glad you're here and trying to set things right before you bring children into a marriage that's struggling. :)
Last edited by Hiswifeagain on Tue Jul 28, 2015 11:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

User avatar
SeekingChange
Under the stars
Posts: 5498
Joined: Mon Apr 22, 2013 12:41 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1994
Gender: Female

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Jul 28, 2015 11:09 am

Did you guys have any kind of understanding of when you would start trying to conceive?

We put off trying to conceive for 2 1/2 years at the desire of my husband. It was not my desire but I gave into him. The agreement was, after graduating from college we would start. If he would have put a halt on it because "all of a sudden" he "wasn't getting enough sex", there definitely would have been some issues. His word, his integrity, his motives (which would appear purely selfish) and all of that would have come into question. I am not saying that you shouldn't work on things first, but any prior agreements may affect which direction you should take in approaching the matter.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

thequarterback
Twin size
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 27, 2015 10:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 6th, 2012
Gender: Male

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Tue Jul 28, 2015 1:52 pm

cbmike:

I love your comment. I think that could work to open up lines of communication about postponing having children. Actually, you know what, scratch that. That makes sense to me. I understand what you are saying. I think what you said is brilliant. I don't think that she will. I think she will see that as me refusing to give her what she wants, because I feel she is not giving me what I want/need. That would obviously not be the truth or motivation. I do believe that is how she will perceive it.

HisWifeAgain:

I totally agree with your comment. I guess we will see if we have made any progress. How long should I wait to have this conversation, guys? I am afraid I am going to burn her out if we have to keep having deep conversations about this without giving either of us time to change our actions first.

SeekingChange:

I have always known that she wants as many children as possible. We agreed a long time ago that we weren't going to prevent it. Since it has not happened, she has placed more pressure on herself to have one. I guess I'm stupid for suggesting having more sex might be the best way to increase our odds haha. I guess by charting her ovulation days, taking her ovulation tests, taking multiple pregnancy tests, and telling me in every detail she has come to the conclusion that I would have objected if I was not in agreement with her conceiving.

Unfulfilled
Hammock
Posts: 1226
Joined: Wed Sep 24, 2014 3:08 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 5th, 1989
Gender: Male

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby Unfulfilled » Tue Jul 28, 2015 1:59 pm

Maybe God has a plan and you two are not yet ready to conceive???

Maybe He wants your you guys to to be in the right place in your marriage and in your sexual relationship before conception???

Just saying Gods plans are in control, and His timing is not necessarily aligned with ours (or your wife's).

Something to think about anyhow...

thequarterback
Twin size
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 27, 2015 10:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 6th, 2012
Gender: Male

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Tue Jul 28, 2015 2:06 pm

I am learning so much about how I finally hit rock bottom. We have read all about the love languages together. I have always known that her #1 & 2 were physical touch and quality time. I have definitely learned that physical touch does not mean sexual touch haha. I really do try to make a conscious effort to always spend time with her and make sure I never deprive her of the kind of physical touch that she desires. As a result, her love tank is usually full.

Why do I do this? I am acts of service and words of affirmation. Nobody is getting any gifts around here hahaha. I like to touch her and spend time with her, because I see it as a way that I am doing acts of service for her. The truth about the sex part, which is also the reason that I don't like to MB, is that I want to please her. I want to be awesome for her in the bedroom. I would say I am very selfless when we are finally doing it. I want her to love it, and since I'm words of affirmation, I would love for her to tell me how I just totally satisfy every part of her.

Bottom line: I feel like I am always giving love, giving love, giving love, and I don't feel like it is ever shown back to me in a way that I can understand it. The result is that my "love tank" is usually on empty.

thequarterback
Twin size
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 27, 2015 10:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 6th, 2012
Gender: Male

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Tue Jul 28, 2015 2:08 pm

unfulfilled:

Yes to everything that you said in your last post. I have been suspecting that was the case all along. I am glad to see that somebody else suspects the same.

User avatar
The Twit
Blanket on a secluded beach!
Posts: 1927
Joined: Sun Sep 03, 2006 1:13 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 14th, 1993
Gender: Male
Location: Somewhere in the Upper Midwest

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby The Twit » Tue Jul 28, 2015 2:27 pm

As one who is in a similar boat do not let this linger. Once the children arrive then you will become second fiddle. Any of your needs will be placed way down the list to the point they may fall off the list.

As for her wanting to get pregnant things need to be straightened out between the two of you before you go across that bridge. You both need to agree to make each other Number one on each other's lists. Sit down and write a list of why you married your wife. Ask her to write the same list. Then pass those lists to each other. Look for common items. If sex is not on both of your lists - Stop - do not pass go - do nothing else and get this fixed. My wife and I did this this winter and I found out she did not have sex anywhere on her list but she had having children as a top item. I am now trying to work with her on that.

Next do not let studying the Bible interfere with studying each other and visa versa. God has given you a wife to study, to know, and to be one with. Likewise she has been given a husband to study, to know, and to be one with. Guess what? God does not give bad gifts. God does want us to be one body. God gave us sex the day we got married as a a way for us to study and to understand each other. By her actions she is telling you that she does not want to study you beyond the surface level.

You know the old adage practice makes you better. Guess what it works the same with sex. Before children we practiced and practiced. We worked on increasing our frequency when my DW was ovulating and backing off during her periods. We practiced with condom during the ovulation and without condoms during the periods so as to know what the feel would be like without condoms. We wanted the conceptions to be a relaxing and extremely joyful experience for both of us. We waited over 4 years before we conceived and we did it the first time we tried. We both knew each other's bodies and knew when the time was right. Also as part of it we studied and learned that spacing sex a certain amount of time increased my count and got her body more ready to get pregnent. SO yes having sex and plenty of it will help. She is getting to uptight and guess what? She will not conceive when she becomes so wound up. she needs to relax and learn to enjoy sex and enjoy your body.

Therefore sit down now before it gets too late learn what her priorities are in life and where you fit into them. Get her to spell out where you fit in. If she puts you as Number 2 (behind God) then keep holding her to that. Otherwise you will be come number 3, 4, or maybe even number 100 on her list. And as the list grows and you drop down, you will find that the bottom things on the list never get done and you are at the bottom. DO not let your life become like mine. DO not get bitter and angry. DO not get to a point where anyone or anything can set you off into an angry tirade over just the way a person blows their nose or asks you for directions or any little thing.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

alaska bob
King bed
Posts: 673
Joined: Wed May 26, 2010 8:06 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 7th, 1990
Gender: Male

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby alaska bob » Tue Jul 28, 2015 2:54 pm

thequarterback wrote:I am on the verge of adultery (FYI, I have not come anywhere near this yet). The worst part... I don't think my wife would care. I believe part of her would be relieved.


I would encourage you to make a commitment to yourself not to allow this to happen. Refusal is her sin, but how you respond to it is all on you. Make a commitment to yourself and God that this is a line you will never cross.

I understand completely where you are at - I hope things improve, but in all honesty, it might not. I'm coming up on 25 years of being underwhelmed with our marriage bed. It isn't complete refusal, but it isn't healthy either. Hang in there - and stay vigilant in your requests for your own needs. There is a tendency to just accept the status quo, or if not accept it, to conclude that the pain of arguing about it all the time is worse than the refusal. But I can testify - it won't get better on its own.

User avatar
Job29Man
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 8418
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2006 3:52 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 2nd, 1980
Gender: Male
Location: Hobby Farm, USA

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby Job29Man » Tue Jul 28, 2015 5:05 pm

How old are you two?
First marriage for each of you?

I don't understand the idea behind if you have Bible Time together then there's no way you'll have sex the same night? :? ::huh
Makes no sense to me. What is that dynamic about?

Better would be a practice of "Bible Time comes after we shower up from sex."

I also get the sense that you are looking for a painless way to tell her no baby until the sex problem is long since solved. A painless method for that does not exist. You need to gird your loins for that discussion. Your comment about "not wanting to destroy progress that has been made" is interesting.

1. What progress has been made; specifically?
2. And (as I think another member already intimated), if speaking the truth in love would destroy "progress" was it really enduring progress based on truth in the first place?

To get a real sense of perspective on this QB, lemme ask you a question. Why do you think TMB exists in the first place? Because there was a demand for it, and always will be? Why the demand? Because sex in marriage is a big deal, a really, REALLY BIG Deal. And when there is a refusal of sex problem in a marriage it almost always only resolves with HUGE work, BIG changes, much anguish, and the destruction of "someone's" comfort zone. It's about as peaceful and gentle as root canal surgery.

If you make a baby before SOLVING this problem first what will happen? Well, if numerous testimonies on TMB are any indication you can kiss progress goodbye for the next 3 years at least, and if you have another child before solving the issue first? Double or triple that time frame. Are you ready for the next 10 years of this?

Look up Landschooner's threads on TMB. No progress because (in this order)...
-she's pregnant and this is not the time to solve this issue
-she just delivered and needs to recover
-she's nursing and it throws off her body and hormones and it's just unfair to expect solving this problem now
-she's no longer pregnant, post-partum, or nursing but now we are moving to another house
-we are in the new house now but now she's pregnant again

Believe this; it is critical that you fully address and fully solve this issue now, before babies and get a real-life track record of 6-12 months of truly changed attitude, communication, and habits entrenched before TTC.
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

thequarterback
Twin size
Posts: 20
Joined: Mon Jul 27, 2015 10:34 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 6th, 2012
Gender: Male

Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Tue Jul 28, 2015 5:27 pm

Job29Man:

I am 27, and she is 25.
This is first marriage for each

Yeah the Bible time preventing sex is seriously jacked up. She always falls asleep while I'm reading, and I usually hit myself a couple of times in the head with my Bible as soon as I close it.

I wish that it was post shower! That would be awesome. Should I make that a requirement? That seems equally as messed up.

I'll man up about the baby conversation. Its what I do. I don't shy away from the truth, but I will be as gentle and gracious as possible.

No, I am not ready to for the next 10 years if we do not get this worked out.

I will definitely look up the threads that you suggested. Thank you!

I'm dreading this conversation, though. She is being so sweet tonight. She has been very affectionate and given me a preview of things to come. I know it has only been 24 hours, but she is really putting forth a lot of effort. I guess that I just want to wait and see if things start to go the other direction. That would make it much easier to bring up a 6-12 month timeline. I hear you. I know its necessary. I'm just dreading it.


Return to “Pain during or preventing sex”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users