I'm at the end of my rope

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
thequarterback
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I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Mon Jul 27, 2015 11:28 am

Somebody help. I'm desperate. I am trapped in a sexless marriage, and I see no end to the rejection. I'm 27, married 3 years, I LOVE MY WIFE, no kids, but I am on the verge of adultery (FYI, I have not come anywhere near this yet). The worst part... I don't think my wife would care. I believe part of her would be relieved. I think she would love for me to hide the part of myself that desperately seeks intimacy with her. Why? Because we have the perfect marriage in every other way.

How have I come to such a dramatic conclusion? Maybe because she has encouraged me to take care of myself on more than occasion. She has insinuated that porn was not that big of a deal. The only source of discomfort in her life is that I keep bringing up our sex life (or lack there of).

Here's a couple of huge problems. I'm not interested in pornography or taking care of myself. I'm interested in having hot, steamy, passionate sex with my wife... or someone else, at this point. I'm embarrassed to admit that. I have finally reached out to a friend and told him how I am being tempted. That, of course, was after I told my wife, who rejected me yet again less than an hour later. Now I am on this board to try to get some accountability from some people who might care.

What do I do? I'm not sleeping. I'm angry. I can't go another three years like this, let alone another 3 decades or the rest of my life.

I'm leaving out many details, because I hate long posts. I'm happy to answer questions. Yes we are Christians. This is taking an enormous toll on me spiritually, and I believe that is the main cause of anger for me.

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Txtwinmom
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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby Txtwinmom » Mon Jul 27, 2015 11:48 am

You say you are a Christian, but are you actively involved in a Christ centered church? Have you talked with your pastor? It sounds like you have talked with your wife, but does she understand that marriage is a sexual relationship? Without sex you have a roommate not a wife. Has it been this way from the beginning? Have you both done any bible study on sex in marriage or any counseling?
Saying your marriage is perfect in every way except for sex is like saying the milk is perfect in every way except its soured, not perfect at all! Don't let her sin push you into sin. Make no mistake here, her denying you sex in your marriage is a sin. If you have to take care of yourself to take the edge off, do that, but your wife does not need to see that as taking the pressure off her.
I'm sure there will be others that will chime in here with some great advice. Hang in there.
"Sex is not the answer, Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer!". Swami X

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby txtwindad » Mon Jul 27, 2015 11:53 am

Welcome to TMB and sorry it is under this situation. Your deep pain is clear and understandable.

We are going to challenge you a bit here in a effort to help you find a way forward.

First off, I want to address this...
Because we have the perfect marriage in every other way.


Until you recognize that you are lying to yourself about this, I doubt you have any hope to fix things. You absolutely cannot have a marriage that is perfect in every way except for sex. It just doesn't work that way. You may have a marriage that to outward appearances is good, but it is as rotten inside as those white washed tombs that Jesus talked about. Your wife has taken one of your deepest needs that can only be fulfilled by her and tells you to turn to porn. Here actions are deeply disrespectful and rude. That is something that you wouldn't do to an enemy, much less someone you love.

You are not alone, there are quite a few men in similar situations on TMB. You should read some of their stories, successes and failures.

Second. You have to own your own stuff. Your sin is your own. Your temptation is understandable, but turning down that path is not. Her actions do not justify you turning to sin. Face that and make a plan as to how you will face this temptation in a way that honors God rather than grieving him.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Mon Jul 27, 2015 11:58 am

Hello thequarterback,

Welcome to TMB. I am sorry you are going through this awful scenario in your life. My first question will be...is your wife taking oral contraceptives? Those things tend to drive any type of sexual response into the ground.

My second question is...what is your wife's attitude toward sex growing up? Was she ever sexually abused?

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Mon Jul 27, 2015 12:29 pm

My wife is not taking any contraceptives.

She was never abused. She has an amazing family. They are very modest, but it seems most of the women have had reproductive issues.

Thank you for your responses. I am willing to answer questions to get to the bottom of this.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Mon Jul 27, 2015 12:43 pm

Txtwinmom:

thank you for your response.

We are not currently active in a church. We recently left and are going through a move. We were very active. I was young adult pastor, lead a Bible study at the church, and lead a men's group in our home. We did speak to our pastor and his wife, but it was no help. "use lube" was their advice. I believe they were shocked to find out that we had this issue in our marriage.

She understand that marriage is a sexual relationship, yes. It does feel that she is just a roommate, most of the time.

It has been this way from the beginning of our marriage. We were sexually active together before marriage (it was amazing, by the way), before we gave our lives to Christ. After we committed ourselves to him, we abstained until marriage. We had sex maybe 4 or 5 times on a 10 day honeymoon. It has only gotten worse since.

I am realizing from these boards that a Bible study on sex can be great. She said she is open to that. This is awful, but I'm going to say it. We read the Bible together at night, but it guarantees that we will not be intimate. I feel that she does this to manipulate me, because she knows that I love God’s word. She knows I will never turn her down when it comes to being in the scriptures with her. It puts me in a position to choose between the word of God and intimacy with my wife. It is torture, and it makes me resent being in the scriptures with her!

txtwinmom wrote:Saying your marriage is perfect in every way except for sex is like saying the milk is perfect in every way except its soured

^^^ yes yes yes to this. It is not perfect for me, but it seems perfect for her, as long as i hide the sexual tension i feel.

I do not think it is fair that I have to "take the edge off" myself. I'm not designed for that. When I resort to it, it feels like a have admitted defeat and that I have accepted that i will always be rejected.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby jokerman » Mon Jul 27, 2015 1:19 pm

I would have a hard time doing a Bible study if my wife was making me feel like a fool. And I would probably say as much, and let her know we can resume it once things improve.

Overall, it just sounds like one spouse is pretty mean, and another spouse is responding to the meanness in predictable ways, like two people who are fused together. I think some healthy distance would do some good, particularly for you.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby padsnd » Mon Jul 27, 2015 2:32 pm

I will go a step further. Her view of marriage is warped. A marriage that is good except the sex is like a river that is good except for the water. There is more to a river than just the water (there is a bed, bank, potentially fish, etc.), but without the water, it isn't a river. Good tasting fish cooked along a cliff is not called a good river without water.

I suspect from your post about the Bible = no sex comment that she is dealing with some of the dangerous teachings and/or myths. You might want to check out those threads.

Sexual limitation by one partner in marriage is a form of impurity. God's plan for sex is none outside of marriage AND sex inside of marriage. The limitation of it within is equally against His plan as the expression of it outside of marriage.

One thing to consider is that when you combine the no sex after reading the Bible with a couple who had sex before marriage and stopped for a period after being convicted, you may be dealing with a false sense that sex in general is wrong and/or guilt from the past. The sad reality is that such guilt leads one to sin just as much now by not having sex and continues the cycle.


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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby littleblackcloud » Mon Jul 27, 2015 3:02 pm

Dear thequarterback

I am a sexually rejected wife. I've been banging my head against a brick wall for seven years. I don't have answers, but you and your wife will be in my prayers this evening.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby IM_a_Farmwife » Mon Jul 27, 2015 3:26 pm

thequarterback,

How is the communication between the two of you? My DH and I had sex way, way before marriage and we weren't saved at the time either. We have a very active sex life despite it all. We are now both saved (for decades) and live a wonderful Christ-centered marriage. We do communicate well. DH uses very few words and makes each word count. I've become a better listener because of that. I believe that having great communication is the key to a good marriage. Can you talk about sex at all?

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Mon Jul 27, 2015 6:37 pm

jokerman: I am doing my best to get some alone time tonight. Thanks for the comment.

padsnd:I agree with everything that you said in your comment. Thank you for your response. It helps to know I have been thinking clearly about this.

littleblackcloud: I am praying for you, as well. Know that I know the pain you feel. Thank you for your prayer.

IM_a_Farmwife: Our communication is very good about most things. About this issue, she makes me feel as though I am a broken record. Tonight she wants to talk, because clearly I'm upset. When I have my emotions under control and am not as visibly upset, she does not want to "have this conversation again". These things cant be fixed with one night of sympathy.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Jul 27, 2015 6:42 pm

Maybe if she's willing to talk, she would be willing to read??? She could come here and read around, i.e. in the refused forum or the "Those who say (or said) no" forum. I was a refuser/gatekeeper, so I would be a name she would see in that particular place. There are also multiple blogs we could recommend and books.
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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby ShaunTheSalvo » Tue Jul 28, 2015 5:25 am

Hi thequarterback,

I just wanted to say I'm in a similar situation. My wife tends to reject me frequently when I approach her for intimacy. (Have a read of my thread Over-active sex drive - affecting our marriage, a lot of great advice and help has been given me there).

If you haven't already done so, get the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, and read it! It's a fantastic book that talks about the husband/wife relationship in a very practical and unique way - helping each to see the other's needs, and obligation to fulfill those needs.

It's great you love studying the Word with your wife, and that you have such a love for the Word of God. I'm wondering if perhaps your wife feels you are more devoted to reading the Bible than you are to her? What I mean is - we can and should love reading the Bible, but if it becomes an end in and of itself, your wife may start to feel unloved and resentful toward you if you are ignoring her in favour of reading. Maybe try finding some other time during your day (eg lunchtime at work?) to do your reading/study, so at night you can focus on you and her, and work on building intimacy together. Being committed to your intimacy and sex life together is an important part of marriage and is commanded by God - see 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

If your wife is willing to talk about the matter, tell her directly how you are feeling, and that you want more sex and intimacy with her. I'm a bit shocked that she suggested you turn to pornography - I'm sorry, but that is a very surprising thing for a Christian wife to tell her husband to do. It's certainly not advice that Jesus would give. Maybe ask her why she would suggest such a thing, when there is a godly and pure alternative (intimacy between you two) that is God's way of satisfying this desire, not to mention building intimacy between you.

I struggled with the issue of MB for years, and I am glad to say that thanks to godly wisdom and advice, I have realised that MB in itself is not wrong, or sinful. Certainly lust/pornography is sin, but MB itself is no more sinful than scratching an itch - or giving your body food when it is hungry, or sleep when tired.
Just some thoughts.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Jul 28, 2015 5:44 am

Pastor's wife here. :wave Who suggested to her husband to take care of himself. Who, at one time, if it was morally okay, wouldn't have minded my husband getting his sexual needs filled somewhere else because that's how low sex with my husband was on my list and how much I despised it. Also at another point, I wished my husband would have an affair so I could "Biblically" get out of the marriage. No reason to really be shocked if you realize we each should be fighting to claim " the chief of sinners" title that Paul left open when he died. We are sinners who need a Savior no matter the profession or who one is married to. Where sin increases, grace abounds all the more! Praise Jesus!
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Tue Jul 28, 2015 7:33 am

ShaunTheSalvo:

I am going to read your thread. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. Also, I am going to order the book that you suggested. Do you suggest that we read it separately, or is it more for a husband and wife to read together together? My wife is definitely not neglected in any way from my time in the scriptures. There was a time in the beginning of our marriage that that may have been true, but its definitely not now.

She was willing to talk about it last night. I am going to give an update in my next post. It is really unfair to her to say that she suggested pornography. It was more that I watched it once. I immediately felt shame and guilt. I decided to confess it to her. I don't know what response I was expecting, but it was not what I expected. She was not upset. She almost seemed to be relieved that I might have found a way to take care of my sex-drive myself. I still do not have a problem with porn. I hate it. I'm not interested in it. I'm interested in my wife.

Finally, I fully agree that MB is not a sin without the lust that is often associated with it. I just don't enjoy it. Maybe I am still burnt out from when I was a kid haha. Regardless, I am very visually stimulated. I know that seems to contradict the fact that I hate porn, but both statements are true. To go off by myself and MB and only try to think about my wife, who rejects me, does not "scratch the itch". Thank you for your kind comments. I really appreciate your thoughtfulness and suggestions


SeekingChange:

You sound very much like my wife, except for it has been me, at times, who wished I could biblically get out of marriage. I would love to hear your input on my next comment, because my wife and I had a long talk last night.

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It hit the fan last night

Postby thequarterback » Tue Jul 28, 2015 7:56 am

Remember that I am new to TMB, so I am not sure if I should have posted this in my thread from yesterday called "I am at the end of my rope". I wanted to give an update. In many ways I am more embarrassed to share this than what I shared yesterday.

Why is that the case? The reason is that it hit the fan last night. I got everything off of my chest that I have been wanting to say. She was willing to hear me out. She was able to say all that she needed to say. It went from sad, to bad, to ugly, to....... sweet. This is why I am embarrassed. The conversation ended with us deciding to scrap the last three years of our marriage, sexually, and start fresh. It gave me hope again. I came back from the bathroom, and she even initiated sex. Guess what! It wasn't out of pity. She wasn't just giving in, because I was pressuring her. I was definitely not expecting any of it!

So why am I embarrassed to share this. All of those that have been rejected for long periods of time probably know why. This was not the first time that it has hit the fan over this issue. Regardless, one night can't fix this. One conversation can't fix this. Saying that she is going to change and having sex one time can't fix this. Will she ever change, or is this just another beginning to another cycle? I am highly skeptical, as I should be, because after reading all of these message boards the past few days, I have yet to find one of "the refused" that have had their marriage healed. Yes, I have heard from a few "former refusers", but I have not heard from any spouse that is no longer refused.

Also, I received a personal message that sounded like my future self wrote me a message. It was like if I fast forwarded my life 20 years and this never changed, and then I decided to write myself some advice. The person that sent this message confirmed some of my fears, and he shared how things have never changed despite all of his hope that her promises of change were going to be kept.

Am I a fool for having this hope? How can I tell the signs that things are really changing this time? Break it to me gently. I really want to believe her.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby Job29Man » Tue Jul 28, 2015 8:02 am

Howdy QB! And welcome to TMB! :D

The first thing I think, and many of us (on TMB) advise, when we read about a marriage like yours (refusal and no children yet) is DON'T make a baby with this woman at this time! Let me get that right out in front here. Please, please... take decisive action to not have conception. Don't let a single night of "kiss and make-up, with great make-up sex" result in a baby at this point.

Second... please read around this Sexually Refused section. Here's a current thread that could be your marriage in 20 years if you don't take strong action to save yours now.

Job29Man

[Edited To Add: I think we were both typing our posts simultaneously! When I read your situation I thought "I'm going to urge him immediately to not make a baby. I hope I'm not too late. I hope I'm not too late." Please QB, tell me you used contraception last night!]
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thequarterback
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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby thequarterback » Tue Jul 28, 2015 8:10 am

Job29Man:

Dude, you are famous. I see you on all of the best of TMB. Yeah man I agree. Ok, you just opened a whole new can of worms. Seriously, babies are all my wife talks about. She is about to die to be a mother. She literally bought bulk ovulation tests. You already know why! So she could track and find the one time that we need to do it so that she has the best chance of getting pregnant. This is the one time/month that I can count on her being willing to have sex. Oh but nothing on the days leading up to it. Why? I have got to be potent. No baby yet, but I have made a habit of reminding her that giving us one shot per month is clearly putting the odds in our favor. How do I avoid this situation?

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Re: [edit] hit the fan last night

Postby cbmike » Tue Jul 28, 2015 8:14 am

thequarterback wrote: I am highly skeptical, as I should be, because after reading all of these message boards the past few days, I have yet to find one of "the refused" that have had their marriage healed. Yes, I have heard from a few "former refusers", but I have not heard from any spouse that is no longer refused.

Yes you have; you just don't know it. There are plenty of former refused on here, it's just that their stories either aren't on here or aren't as active as they were when they were being actively refused.

Will she ever change, or is this just another beginning to another cycle?

Sometimes these things change all at once, but often turning a marriage around is more like pushing a soda machine over: it has to wobble back and forth a few times before it finally goes over.
There's one thing I know, and this is it.

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Re: I'm at the end of my rope

Postby Job29Man » Tue Jul 28, 2015 8:15 am

First follow the link to the thread I gave you about "This is your marriage in 20 years." (BTW I'm not the one who PMed the QB, so someone else is thinking the same way.)

Then tell her "Our marriage is not God-pleasing. I will withhold my fertility from you until you and I come to a solid understanding about sex in marriage and I see you live by it faithfully for at least 6 months FIRST!"

Please tell me last night was not a "fertile time/no contraception" time.
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