Back problems + post partum challenges = no fun

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
lillpeach
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Back problems + post partum challenges = no fun

Postby lillpeach » Wed Sep 30, 2015 4:42 am

My husband has a history of back problems, and it's currently acting up pretty badly again. He can't sit, stand, move, hold still, etc. comfortably and is on meds to help manage his pain. That's already putting a bit of strain on our home life. Add to that the fact that our youngest is almost 5 months old, but I still find sex pretty uncomfortable (dang those post partum hormones!!), and sex has just been really discouraging lately. I've probably only orgasmed two or three times since the youngest was born, and that is super discouraging for my husband and kind of sucks the libido out of him. We can find a position that is comfortable for sex for a while, but invariably he shifts his weight to relieve his back after a few minutes, and it usually ends up uncomfortable for me then. Sometimes I don't say anything about it and just continue, but then it discourages him when I don't have an orgasm, and other times I do say something, but we just lose the whole moment because we can't really find something that "works" again.

In addition to the actual physical hardships, we're really struggling mentally/emotionally with this. Sex was so easy and fast when I was pregnant (yea extra blood flow to my girly parts!) that now things seem to take FOREVER and both of us just get tired well before the time it takes to get me going well (he gets up at 330 for work, so 9 pm feels awfully late). So I get stressed about things taking SO long, but he doesn't like quickies too often. And I really would *like* to orgasm more often than the last four months (with our third child, I felt like my body bounced back pretty quick), but it feels impossible. Even when we send the kids off somewhere else and have a long uninterrupted period during prime waking hours for sex, the stress over his back and my girly parts gets to us, and we end up even more frustrated with taking so long and *still* not having me orgasm, despite how much work he put out.

Yesterday he suggested we just abstain for a while. I think he's just really frustrated and hurt, because I tried to share how stressful it is for me worrying about hurting his back more (which usually does happen) and that that stress kind of sucks the libido out of me. I didn't mean it to be hurtful, but what he heard/felt was "I don't want you" despite my best efforts to communicate otherwise. I don't know if we should go ahead and abstain for a while (to what end?) like he suggested, or if we need to just keep trying and plow ahead because abstinence in this case just feels like a way of hiding so that we don't get hurt even more.

We've been doing a lot of HJs just to have *something* intimate to do, but lately it feels like it's just a "git'er done" sort of thing. He feels like it's selfish (even when I initiate/offer and assure him that it's not) and so has a really hard time letting it be something nice, rather than just trying to get it over with as quickly as possible.

I guess I'm looking for ideas or encouragement, please? I don't really have a specific question. I just know that we need help!

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SeekingChange
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Re: Back problems + post partum challenges = no fun

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Sep 30, 2015 6:40 am

Remember, this is just a phase, both of you should breathe, relax, and just work with what you have for now, knowing it will change again. Don't separate emotionally, keep communicating, and this will drawer you closer when all is said and done.

Have you tried using a vibrator simultaneously? For me, that is almost a guarantee of a quick O.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Bear
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Re: Back problems + post partum challenges = no fun

Postby Bear » Wed Sep 30, 2015 9:18 am

You mentioned HJ's for him, but don't mention anything 'for you'... HJ, OS...vibe -like SC inquired.

I would imagine there are many options to attend to your needs even where full on PIV may aggravate his back. ...DW sitting on a tall kitchen island or counter top, DH standing or sitting on a stool for OS?
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Drob
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Re: Back problems + post partum challenges = no fun

Postby Drob » Fri Oct 02, 2015 5:02 am

Having had 3 back surgeries I can relate, the problem is that the O itself can cause back spasms. It's a bad situation, he can't move, the weight of her on him is painful and the finish may be too. We took everything very slow, her movements, whether PIV, HJ or OS if was all slow and gentle. Afterwards I would use a vib to please her. Be patient things will improve. Back rubs were a nice form of forplay

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Drob
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Re: Back problems + post partum challenges = no fun

Postby Drob » Fri Oct 02, 2015 5:11 am

Oh, and you have to get very creative to find positions that are comfortable and will allow PIV.

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