Newly married

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
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TheGirlWhoWaited
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Newly married

Postby TheGirlWhoWaited » Thu Nov 12, 2015 10:52 am

Well, I haven't been married quite a week (married on 7 November), and am therefore a little embarrassed to be asking. Please bear with me.
We didn't have sex on our wedding night. Neither of us was quite ready for that, but a few days later, we tried piv, and he loved it, but it was excruciatingly painful for me. I have a past with sexual abuse, could that have something to do with it? We were both virgins when we got married. I also started my period the day after. Is that a contributing factor? What can I do to make it not hurt? I've been reading a lot on here that says foreplay helps, but what is that exactly? I grew up VERY conservative and sheltered, so I am, consequently, very naive. Went advice would be great. Thanks!

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SeekingChange
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Re: Newly married

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Nov 12, 2015 11:01 am

Have you had PIV since? Does it hurt the same way? The first time you have sex there can be a breaking of the hymen, which for some, is very painful.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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poetess
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Re: Newly married

Postby poetess » Thu Nov 12, 2015 1:36 pm

It can also be painful if there is not enough lubrication--and it's common even for young brides not to produce enough on the wedding day. Having artificial lube (for example coconut oil) on hand can help on such occasions.

Foreplay basically means playing around with each other's bodies before you move to intercourse. You might stroke each other, talk about what you want to do to each other, kiss, or anything else that shows love and gets your bodies ready. If you jump straight to intercourse as soon as he has an erection, your body probably won't be ready yet.

It would be a good idea to read around on this site, and also to pick up a copy of the book Sheet Music, which goes into quite a lot of detail about married sex.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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FoxluvsBunnyDFC
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Re: Newly married

Postby FoxluvsBunnyDFC » Thu Nov 12, 2015 4:35 pm

Hi there...i'm so sorry that your first experience wasn't a positive one. As others have said, forplay is just kissing and other gentle playing with each other until you get excited and lubricated, which makes penetration easier and less painful. I don't know much about sexual abuse, but perhaps it could make you tense around sexual things. I"m not sure. I would also recommend using extra lube in addition to what your body naturally makes. Have him wait to enter you until you are sufficiently lubricated and he can insert a few fingers. Sometimes it takes longer than others to get ready.

In terms of your period... i know that right before mine, I am my most dry. I sometimes am a bit tender up by my cervix (deep inside of there) and once in a while during that time being rough can make me cramp up a bit. Ironically though, my sex drive which decreases right after ovulation suddenly comes back a couple of days before it starts (my husband has started to know that when i crave it again it's a warning). So yeah. It might make things a bit dryer and slightly less comfy, but at the same time... it shouldn't make it excruciating like you describe.

See how things go... just enjoy each other's bodies at this point and learning how to turn each other on, and don't make it just about PIV. When he can make you super aroused, perhaps try it again. Let him experiment with fingers... And read... get educated about married sex and your bodies. It will get better. Oh and enjoy marriage and congrats to you both :)
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Stumoo
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Re: Newly married

Postby Stumoo » Thu Nov 12, 2015 4:41 pm

Congratulations on your wedding!

TheGirlWhoWaited wrote:We tried piv a few nights ago and he loved it, I, however was in horrible pain the entire time and the next day. Did I do something wrong? What can I do all the next time we try this it won't hurt so much and maybe allow him to enjoy it a bit more?


Well he surely loved the sensations but hated hurting you... please tell me that's true.

Anyway, we need a bit more info. Did you have a pelvic exam prior to your wedding to check everything's ok? Did you try stretching yourself at all during the weeks and months before the wedding? Did you engage in plenty of foreplay to get sufficiently aroused before PIV, and use lots of lube? Or were you nervous and dry?

If you weren't well prepared, I can only suggest, next time be more prepared - lots of time on foreplay and use a lot of lube. Take it slowly.
If you think you did everything right, don't let it get into your head. Try again a few more times and hopefully it will become easier and painless. If not, a trip to the doctor is in order just to make sure there isn't a physical cause for the pain.

mushels
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Re: Newly married

Postby mushels » Thu Nov 12, 2015 9:35 pm

I was the same way as you describe yourself. I came from an extremely conservative family and didn't know much when I got married nine years ago. We were both virgins as well and it was painful the first week or two due to the stretching, etc. We did use a lot of Lube. Luckily someone mentioned it to my husband a day before the wedding and gave him a bottle or we wouldn't have known to use it. Take things slow. Enjoy touching each other and make sure your read up on how your husband can give you pleasure as well. I didn't even know what an orgasm was until a few months ago so never experienced that as part of our marriage bed. Please discover this as it will make a huge difference for how enjoyable it is for you. Have him play with your clitoris as that will loosen you up significantly.

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Re: Newly married

Postby ledgemoor » Thu Nov 12, 2015 11:29 pm

You need some basic education on the subject. Get a copy of Kevin Leman's book Sheet Music right away, and both of you read it. It's a good, well-organized introduction to the fundamentals of sex from a Christian perspective.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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TheGirlWhoWaited
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Re: Newly married

Postby TheGirlWhoWaited » Fri Nov 13, 2015 6:57 am

Thank you all so much! We haven't since because he's had to work early and both of us already have a hard time getting to sleep before throwing sex into the mixture. But I will try everything you all have suggested. Thank you so much!
Stumoo wrote:Well he surely loved the sensations but hated hurting you... please tell me that's true.

You are correct. He and I have been friends since we were kids and felt really bad that I was hurting so much! He is the most gentle man I've ever met.

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SeekingChange
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Re: Newly married

Postby SeekingChange » Fri Nov 13, 2015 7:21 am

TheGirlWhoWaited wrote:and both of us already have a hard time getting to sleep before throwing sex into the mixture.

Just wanted to throw this out there....for many, sex IS a great sleep aid! I finally started getting good sleep when I changed my "sex patterns". It was also great helping with pain.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story


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