Recently married, penetration painful to my wife

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
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Recently married, penetration painful to my wife

Postby Bezalel » Sat Jan 09, 2016 9:06 am


My wife and I have been married for about seven months now, but we still can't manage PIV without pain for her. I think I need practical advice on positions to try, but I don't really know. I'd love some advice from some men who've been married for a while and have figured this out.

Here's our background. We were both virgins on our wedding night, and at first I didn't even know where to find her vaginal opening! We'd read one book together (Intended for Pleasure) while engaged, and I'd gotten plenty of advice from other married Christians beforehand, but her vagina didn't look like the diagrams in the book, and I was really confused. But we figured it out eventually, with some exploring with my fingers and her telling me how various things felt. Her hymen was pretty tight, so instead of breaking it with my penis I stretched it gently with my fingers over the course of several weeks. (We were able to find other ways to give each other pleasure, with hands and mouths and so on, so our honeymoon was still a wonderful time of discovery -- don't worry about us on that score!) At first I couldn't even insert one finger without hurting her, but eventually I was able to insert two fingers and wriggle them around without her feeling any pain.

However, when I tried to insert my penis, it would hurt her every time. (And still does; we haven't figured this part out yet.) At first I couldn't even insert the tip of my penis, but by now we're able to get my tip inside her vagina -- but no further. If we push any further, it hurts her. That sounds like what I've read about vaginismus, but there's one thing I can't figure out. It doesn't hurt her when I insert just the tip; it only hurts when I try to push further than the tip. And that doesn't sound like what I've read about vaginismus; if it was vaginismus, I would think the whole thing would hurt her. (Another reason neither of us think it's vaginismus is because she's enthusiastic about sex; we're pretty sure that she has no mental hang-ups that could be causing unconscious tightening of the muscles. She stayed a virgin because she wanted to save herself for her future husband -- me -- rather than because she thought sex was "dirty".)

One other thing. When I insert my finger into her and feel around, her vaginal wall feels soft almost everywhere. But if I press upwards with my finger (towards her belly), there's an area maybe a couple inches in that feels like there's something hard and unyielding, like a bony or cartilaginous structure, behind the vaginal wall. She says it hurts when I press on it with my fingers, and it's the same kind of pain as when I try to penetrate inside her. For a while I wondered if that was her cervix and I was hitting her cervix when I tried to penetrate, but everything I've read about the cervix says that it's 3-6 inches inside the body, which is not even close to how far I was able to penetrate before hurting her. (And the cervix should have an opening into the vagina, right? There's no opening that I've been able to find in that area of her vaginal "tube", so I'm now pretty sure that whatever that structure is, it's not the cervix). We went to a gynecologist, who examined her and said that she has a perfectly normal anatomy. But when I look at diagrams of female anatomy, I can't figure out what it is that I'm feeling with my fingers (and, apparently, bumping with my penis and causing her pain when we try PIV).

Oh, and we use plenty of coconut oil for lubricant, so I don't think that's the problem either.

So I'm confused. When I Google for "why does sex hurt?", I find lots of people talking about vaginismus caused by mental blocks about sex, which doesn't seem to be the case for us. And I also find some people talking about "when we use this position, I hit her cervix, so we try this other position instead and that works for both of us." But we've tried having me on top in the "missionary position", having her on top while I lie flat on the bed, having me sit on a chair while she straddles me... and all of them lead to pain for her.

We'd really like some advice. As I said, we're doing pretty well at giving each other pleasure with hands and mouths, so it's not like either one of us is sexually starved. (Far from it). And we both have plenty of desire -- I actually think her desire might be higher than mine -- so that's not the problem either. But after seven months without being able to have PIV, it's a little frustrating for both of us. Any advice that anyone could give us would be much appreciated.

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Re: Recently married, penetration painful to my wife

Postby Vanna » Sat Jan 09, 2016 9:18 am

Congratulations on your marriage and your patience with this trial! :) Can she use tampons? Y'all may want to invest in a couple of vibes in differing sizes, small, plain wand types and let her experiment with getting those in with lots of lube so she can figure out her anatomy better and stretch more. If her hymen won't give, and some can be Really tough, she may just need a tiny adjustment at her next GYN exam. It's a tiny snip that once healed is quite a relief.

I was really tight. It helped if I took charge and was on top at first, that position opens things up and allows her to control the feed rate while using gravity to her advantage.

If none of those do it, make an appointment with the GYN and that should smooth out the bumps.

Oh- and the bony thing- that's her pelvis, that's normal. Pushing directly on it isn't comfy, that's normal too. Fingers aren't as velvety as a penis, it's a God design thing, so you aren't going to hurt her inside against that bone.
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Re: Recently married, penetration painful to my wife

Postby George B. » Sat Jan 09, 2016 9:50 am

Welcome to TMB! :wave:

From the description of what you wrote, that sounds like a similar problem when had we were first married, 19 years ago. It took us six weeks to achieve any kind of penetration, and it remained painful for her until after our first baby, and she was stretched out enough to accommodate me without pain.

My wife and I were also both virgins, but she was very enthusiastic about sex and had no hangups about it, so the problem wasn't vaginismus, either.

Her OB/GYN examined her before the wedding and said she was normal but a bit "narrow" in the vagina. We were able to stretch out her hymen with my fingers, and got two and three fingers in, but that didn't do the trick. Lube didn't help all that much for us, either. I think our particular situation was a bit unusual, and had to do with our respective anatomies, to put it delicately. That may be the situation with you guys as well.

Eventually, things got a bit better once we started having sex more often and she got a bit stretched out, and once she had the first baby, things were great and easy after that.

You may want to pay another visit to the OB/GYN and describe your continuing difficulties and see if they have any other suggestions. Some people use vaginal dilators, which might help. Making sure she's fully relaxed beforehand (a glass of wine helps, if you drink) can help. An orgasm for her before you try penetration might help, too.

I truly understand your difficulties, having been through them ourselves in our marriage. Let us know how it goes.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Recently married, penetration painful to my wife

Postby malloryrenae » Fri Jan 15, 2016 6:00 pm

We have been married for almost 6 months and are having very similar problems. The only thing we have found to help is putting a pillow under my butt during missionary. The dr has told me I have a tilted uterus, which can cause pain. Maybe look at some diagrams of tilted uterus, because it might explain what you are feeling. The uterus can tilt forward or backward, so diagrams and positions might actually be opposite of what you are experiencing.

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Re: Recently married, penetration painful to my wife

Postby mushels » Fri Jan 15, 2016 10:18 pm

I don't know if this will help or not. When we got married I had pain for a long time as well although DH could still get all the way in. Eventually the pain went away. After the birth of our first son it returned and lasted about seven months before finally going away again. Sometimes it was almost unbearable and I would just try to clench my teeth and not let DH know because I felt bad for him. Same thing after the birth or our first daughter. Then when I went to give birth to my third daughter I found out my pelvis bone is "S" shaped. I ended up with emergency C-sections due to the baby not being able to fit around the bone. Now I am wondering if the pain is due to the shape of my pelvis bone. Your mention of the hard thing that hurts your wife made me think of this although I have no idea if it's the same for her. Probably she needs to get checked out and see what is causing the pain. Sorry you are both having to deal with this.

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Re: Recently married, penetration painful to my wife

Postby belovedalways » Sat Jan 16, 2016 8:27 am

Here is a 3 part series that might be able to help you. Lots of info and resources.

part 1

part 2

part 3
A kiss is the upper persuasion for a lower invasion.

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Recently married, penetration painful to my wife

Postby padsnd » Sat Jan 16, 2016 6:39 pm

How does your wife feel with penetration by fingers? Is there significant pain with a single finger?

How much lube and what kind are you using? For someone with painful PIV, I have to say that, if you aren't using a good non-water-based lube (like a CO or Platinum) and if the sheets aren't soaked because that much lube was used that it was literally dripping off, you should start there. Go extreme on the lube first (on, in, all around, and on both of you); back off if it works.

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Re: Recently married, penetration painful to my wife

Postby Learning1 » Sun Jan 17, 2016 5:57 am

Get checked out by gyn to rule out or confirm. I used set dilators which may or may not be effective for your DW depending on what the gyn says.

Make sure your DW is highly aroused before PIV, not just a little bit aroused. Might have to change up how you are doing foreplay.

With using the dilators I learned to relax my vagina muscles, a lot of that involved working on breathing, similar to when you do stomach crunches or other weight lifting.

Pay attention to the angle of penetration, we found that small changes in the angle make penetration much easier. We also used a wedge cushion to tilt me up.

As already suggested use lots of lube. Ideally when highly aroused there should be plenty of lubrication. This may not be happening, Work on both arousal foreplay but also as padsnd suggestion, use copious amounts of lube. Use the lube during foreplay.
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Re: Recently married, penetration painful to my wife

Postby jsaw » Sun Jan 17, 2016 7:33 am

I will second what padsnd has said. We have to use lots of CO. Use a finger to gently place some inside DW. Slowly and gently spread it in until things are lubricated way up in. Then put some on your member before you enter. Sometimes we have to stop to reapply

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