painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
groovee_chic70
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painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby groovee_chic70 » Thu Feb 04, 2016 5:40 pm

Hi, I am new to this site, but it came highly recommended by a good friend. I am 29 years old, and recently (october 2015)married to a wonderful husband.

I am desperate for some help and its really hard to find someone to talk about this with
Our background, I was a virgin when we married, we are both Christians but my husband had previously been married before. We waited till our honeymoon to have sex.I have no past history of sexual abuse, self image issues or any while I believed in waiting till marriage I did not have any extreme conservative views on sex once married.

I feel completely mislead about sex, frustrated and angry at God over this when I've waited so long as things have been incredibly painful for me from day one of our honeymoon . We did not manage PIV for the first week, my husband assured me pain was normal and that it would get better - nearly 4 months on, while we are managing PIV reasonably regularly, Its painful for me everytime, sometimes I grit my teeth to stop from swearing. I feel like a failure my body not being able to get this right., we have enjoyed OS, Hand jbs and no problem with O's. But everytime we try PIV it hurts me so much on penetration - ok once he's fully in as long as not to much movement.Sometimes burning for 1-2 hours after.

after 2 months I went to the doctor, she did a pelvic exam ruled out STDs and Endometriosis, she did some tests saying I probably just have a bacterial vaginosis infection which i went on antibotics for as results showed I did( and no sex for 2 weeks). I pinned my hopes on that being the problem..but it didn't work. And now I seem to have hit a wall mentally as well where I've just lost interest, I feel completely flat and cheated over the whole thing,and that for the pain and time I have to put into foreplay to get ready its just not worth it. My husband is 11 years older than me, so I have had a high sex drive since married and am eager to please him. Hes been patient, gentle and kind and has never pushed me..in fact hes basically told me he won't initiate because he doesn't want to hurt me.

We have talked about trying to just enjoy each other without the pressure of PIV, but for me that is a really important part and I feel like failure when we don't archive that and the whole time my brain is like 'waiting for the painful part' To be over with. We have always used LUBE now used like coconut oil..like by the bucketful, and have tried WOT, missionary and Doggie style - all cause pain. Have tried pillow under my back etc to help angles but still pain. I am just so disappointed and frustrated with my body, I have talked DH several times about my fears, feelings and mental block, he's been praying and encouraging me but told me last night he feels disconnected from me physically. I am worried if this pain continues how much its going to affect our relationship. I don't know what to do and I can't stop thinking about this..its becoming a bigger and bigger nightmare in my head. I just wanted to be normal and this all to go smoothly.

any advice would be appreciated

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby greenduck » Thu Feb 04, 2016 7:12 pm

Ugh I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sex was ridiculously painful for me when I first got married too, and I totally get all of the emotions you're talking about. Awful awful feelings.

A boatload of questions...Have you had problems with tampons in the past? Does it hurt if you just insert your own finger? Was your doctor's appointment as painful as sex is? Have you been back after finishing the antibiotics to make sure that the infection has been fully cleared up? Have you tried using dilators yet? And finally, is it a sharp pain or a dull, deep pain?

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby SquarePants » Thu Feb 04, 2016 7:49 pm

Your situation sounds similar to couples were a man has ED problems. It’s frustrating for both, and one person feels more responsible than the other. In the case of painful intercourse, the woman often feels responsible. Remember that it’s no one’s fault. You have no control over it. If it makes you feel any better, we see this situation brought to this forum fairly often. I know that it’s hard, but I’d like to encourage you both to have the attitude to make the best of your sexual encounters. Be determined to have a good time, regardless. I realize that this is easier said than done. It sounds like you two have been creative with oral sex and hand jobs, which is fantastic. Work with each other on your technique. I’d also encourage creativity with those things. Explore giving and receiving oral sex in various positions. Vary where he has his orgasm… maybe on various parts of your body. Have you tried out any sex toys yet? Maybe explore anal stimulation.

Hang in there!

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby Leah » Thu Feb 04, 2016 8:21 pm

When you talked to your doctor, were you able to describe where the pain was and how it was painful? I find it helpful to be able to paint word pictures for my doctors.
Leah

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby C_Brown » Thu Feb 04, 2016 9:20 pm

I'd say go back to the doctor, perhaps find a new one. Sounds like they took a shot in the dark and didn't get it right.
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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby seeking perspective » Thu Feb 04, 2016 9:40 pm

Have you ever read the Unveiled Wife blog? Intercourse was quite painful for her early in her marriage. She writes in this post about what finally helped. Even if her approach doesn't work for you, you might want to read around on her blog for some encouragement from her and other women who faced this struggle.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.
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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby Alistair » Fri Feb 05, 2016 1:30 am

Sometimes the pain doesn't go away until after child birth (so I've heard)

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby George B. » Fri Feb 05, 2016 4:25 am

^^ that's true--at least it was in our case for sure. But the causes of painful intercourse can differ from couple to couple and many times, they can be addressed and solved pre-childbirth. Again, not our experience, but I think it's the experience of the majority, at least from what I've seen anecdotally.
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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby craftdistraction » Mon Feb 08, 2016 7:47 am

Is your pain only during/after IC? Early in our marriage I had similar issues which led to a mental block. My pain was at other times as well (I've never been able to use tampons, hurts to ride a bike, etc). After several years of going to doctors for vaginal pain, I finally found one who suspected I had vulvar vestibulitis. That was 26 years ago. I think they might call it vulvadina now. I had a couple different treatments but found little relief. It did go into remission for long periods of time but my mental block and other baggage contributed to my lack of desire. If you have pain at other times than IC, you might want to ask your doctor if vulvadina is a possible issue.

I will be praying for you!
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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby groovee_chic70 » Tue Feb 09, 2016 6:26 pm

thanks everyone for your suggestions and encouragement..its nice to know I'm not alone

@ greenduck : No i've never used tampons - tried a few times but it was to hard so don't use them at all...YUP when i went to the doctor i nearly jumped off the bed with pain - I swore in her face(not like me !)...so she saw how much it was hurting ..its just didn't last as long obviously - i was also really nervous at the visit so that probably didn't help. I'm scheduled to go in another month to have another check up so not sure if infection is cleared up (I suspect not based on pan but also think more is going on)
I haven't tried dilators yet but am looking into a set as I have been reading many posts on vaginismus? I think it's called and sounds like could be part of my problem. THe pain is more sharp than dull - sometimes once PIV has occurred initially the sharper pain becomes more dull once DH is in.

Yes i've heard having a baby helps - in my case we are currently infertile (another big issue in itself) so that pathway is currently closed to us barring a miracle in the future.

@craft distraction - yes pain only during and after IC (But then havn't really used tampons hardly ever) thanks for your prayers I will look up vulvadina. So many conditions I have never heard off so great to be able to do some research.

can anyone recommend where to get dilators from ?

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby FoxluvsBunnyDFC » Wed Feb 10, 2016 11:09 am

I felt compelled to answer this because I dealt with some pain during sex esp at first. We have recently found a solution and for the first time we are able to have pain free sex all the time.

Please forgive me if you've tried this and it sounds too simplistic. Everyone says "use lube" if you are dry and it hurts and we did that too, but it would still feel too dry and painful and i would be laying there thinking about when it would be over (at the dry times) and he would sometimes stop. We realized (air heads we might be) that we were doing it in a way where it wasn't effective. We used to just rub some (we use coconut oil) on the outside of my vulva area and sometimes on him. We realized we had to put more lube inside of the vagina.

Call us stupid, but actually putting tons of lube internally made a tremendous difference in being able to engage in pain free intercourse all the time. DH heats the coconut oil up beforehand, too.

I know that your issue may be more complex than this and might need better medical attention. I pray you find your answer. So so sorry you are going through this situation :( Blessings

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby greenduck » Fri Feb 12, 2016 8:14 pm

I can identify with so much of your story! Everyone's situation is unique and it will be good for you to keep working with your doctor, but yeah...you are definitely not alone.

When I bought dilators, I just ordered them off of amazon. The brand I went with the same one recommended on vaginismus.com, and I also order they're "10 steps to curing vaginismus" book and workbook. The dilators from the "Dr. Laura Berman" also looked good.

If you don't find any solutions after talking to your doctor this next time, you might thinking about seeing if there are any physical therapists near you who work with pelvic floor dysfunction. Working with a therapist is what finally did it for me. I waited so long to start, but once I finally decided to give it a try, it turned everything completely around and we made progress much faster than I had been expecting.

Piggybacking on the previous comment, another thing that I think helped is we started ordering "Yes" brand lube because they have little packets with applicators that you can insert and get the lube way inside.

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby Kilarin » Fri Feb 12, 2016 9:21 pm

I am SO sorry for the pain you are going through.
I don't have a suggestion for the physical pain, for that I can only pray for you.

You don't know what the solution to the physical pain problem is, and that is understandably frustrating. But, as you point out in your subject, the physical pain is only half of your problem, and while fixing the OTHER half isn't easy, it IS something to which the solution is known. The other half of your problem is this:

groovee_chic70 wrote:We have talked about trying to just enjoy each other without the pressure of PIV, but for me that is a really important part and I feel like failure when we don't archive that


You are NOT a failure because you are experiencing pain. My son spent three years in a wheel chair. He couldn't run or jump or play like other children because of a painful problem with his hip. He was NOT a failure because his pain limited his actions. It wasn't his fault, and he did not do anything wrong. You are in exactly the same boat. It is not your fault that you are experiencing pain during intercourse, and you did NOTHING wrong. You are not a failure. There is no rational way to define you as a failure. You are NOT a failure!!!

But now, lets take that comparison between my son and you a bit further here. My son couldn't run and play like other children. Running is, of course, a very important part of play for children, so he could have decided that since he was a failure at running he wouldn't play at all. But while running is an important part of play, it is by no means the ONLY part. My son played board games. My son read books. My son took his wheelchair out onto the soccer field and played soccer with the other kids. He was rolling around while the other kids were running. Of course he wasn't as fast as them, but he still had a lot of fun, and still got to kick the ball.

My son played, and he played HARD. His disability put some limits on his play, but he didn't let it stop him from playing, because even though running is an important part of play, play itself is much more important than running.

You are absolutely correct that Penis In Vagina intercourse is an important part of marital intimacy. But marital intimacy itself is much more important than intercourse. Don't give up on intimacy because your pain puts some limits on it! You don't know what the solution to your pain problem is (YET!), but you CAN change your attitude towards your marriage bed. It may not be easy, but I think it is very important that you do. Quit thinking of yourself as a failure in bed and start looking for all of the wonderful ways you can SUCCEED at turning your marriage bed into the intimate playground it was meant to be, even with the limits you have.

You can STILL enjoy intimacy with your husband without intercourse. And I'm not talking about some second rate "make do" intimacy, I'm saying that you can leave your husband (and yourself) weak kneed and gasping for breath because of how fantastic your love making session was, WITHOUT INTERCOURSE. Oral sex, inter-mammary intercourse., intercrural intercourse (sex between the thighs), manual stimulation of each others genitals, and a whole world of other marriage bed delights are available to you. Don't let your pain during intercourse stop you from striving to achieve a powerfully passionate marriage bed!

I've said on here many times that sex is play for married grownups. So I really think my son's story applies to your situation. You and your husband need a wonderful marriage bed experience MORE than you need penis in vagina intercourse. And so, until God leads you to a solution to your pain problem, GO OUT THERE AND PLAY HARD ANYWAY!!!

I'll be praying for you, please pray for me as well.

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby Learning1 » Sat Feb 13, 2016 12:34 pm

groovee_chic70 wrote:can anyone recommend where to get dilators from ?

Pure Romance Brand I purchased them from Amazon. I know they are available on other online shopping websites as well. If you buy the dilators buy some water based lube as well to use with them.
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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby groovee_chic70 » Tue Feb 23, 2016 4:47 pm

Update:

hello everyone

well i just want to say a huge thank you for sharing, prayers and giving me hope...
I have been 'experimenting'.... and I'm so excited had PIV in 3 different positions over the last week with no pain..at times still a bit uncomfortable but not the teeth gripping pain I had..also no burning afterward !

We are both soooooooooooooooooooooo excited because now I have some 'good experiences' to help rewrite the bad painful ones in my head

thanks for the tips we have switched to using coconut oil as lube...by the bucket load..lol....but it seems to help alot
I have also been working to change my mental 'goal settings' from PIV to having fun - whatever it entails.
We have stuck to WOT to give me the control - mentally helped me heaps to try things when I feel ready

I did buy a dilator set..which just arrived however gonna hold off on using it as may not need it after all, have been doing the recommended pelvic floor exercises though, both before and during sex.

But I specially want to say thank you for praying - I believe it is prayer which has changed this primarily !!!!!! We are excited to keep persevering and experimenting and these boards are certainly good for ideas and encouragement !!! :D :D :D

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby greenduck » Wed Feb 24, 2016 10:26 pm

That's great! So happy for you!

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby Kilarin » Thu Feb 25, 2016 5:32 am

Great news groovee_chic70! Hope your marriage is full of blessings and will continue to pray for you!

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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby George B. » Fri Feb 26, 2016 2:43 am

that's great news! So happy to hear that!
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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby craftdistraction » Fri Feb 26, 2016 2:51 pm

Great news!! Thanks for sharing the update. God has so much good in store for you and your DH :D
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Re: painful sex and mental block - please help !!

Postby facetoface » Fri Feb 26, 2016 8:14 pm

This post needs a LIKE button!!

I had the same problem when I was newly married but there was no internet in those days and my doctor told me that she had had the same problem and that childbearing solved it. It also solved the problem for me but that was 3 long, painful years later. So glad you are having a different experience.


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