We tried but failed

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
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The Twit
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We tried but failed

Postby The Twit » Tue Feb 23, 2016 11:55 am

Moderators, please move this if need be. As you see I have a couple issues.

We tried to do something Sunday night which we had not done in almost a full year. We tried to have PIV. It failed. When I tried to enter my wife started having burning sensations which lasted the full minute or so I was in her. No movement absolute stillness. So I pulled out and immediately ejaculated. She still had burning sensations and did not want to be touched. She has had it before which makes sex impossible.

I was wearing a condom, we were using organic/ all natural spermacide, and I had put on plenty of lube. In fact after pulling out she had me look to see if she had any issue down there and she was dripping fluid but no redness. The burning finally was gone by morning.

So issues.
What could be the problem?
What could be a way to reduce the pain / burning?
Prayer that this does not stop her from being willing to have sex. I know that in the past something like this would shut her down for several weeks to months.


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Re: We tried but failed

Postby SweetBrooke » Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:31 pm

What kind of condom did you use? It could be a reaction to latex or the condom material. It could also be a reaction to the condom with the spermicide. Another possibility is that the spermicide is causing the burning sensation.


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Re: We tried but failed

Postby 2pack » Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:40 pm

Twit, my wife posted this on another thread this weekend to another who is experiencing a lot of pain...

DW of 2P wrote: So before you can feel comfortable with OS and other sexual this' and that's, you have to feel, well, comfortable! You are super tense and that is why penetration hurts. Your body is defending against what is perceives to be threat. So this whole area needs to become very non-threatening. That means you guys work together to get YOU feeling relaxed and going SLOWLY through the sexual experience.
I'm a moth flyin' into the light of it's doom - You wrap me up in your love cocoon...

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Re: We tried but failed

Postby The Twit » Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:42 pm

No latex. I switched a few years ago to Polyisoprene or other non-latex condoms. We are using a natural spermacide - ContraGel Green. First time using. We thought that might be an issue. But that leaves us with very few options.

Note this is the first time for intercourse for us in almost a full year. Last PIV session was in early March 2015 as documented on this board.


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The Twit
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Re: We tried but failed

Postby The Twit » Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:46 pm

The problem is not the pain. She has always had pain of when I am entering but once I am in and there is no movement for a minute or so her body adjusts and we are good to go. In this case the biggest problem is the burning sensation she has not upon entry but when I am in her for any period of time. I have always had to go slow each time we had sex as if it was our first time.


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Re: We tried but failed

Postby MayDayGirl » Tue Feb 23, 2016 1:13 pm

If she is over 40, the burning could be due to thinning of vaginal walls associated with lower estrogen levels in perimenopause.

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Re: We tried but failed

Postby OldMarriedLady » Tue Feb 23, 2016 1:47 pm

It' s likely vaginal atrophy. According to the Mayo Clinic, one way to prevent this condition (and the associated frequent UTI's) is to have regular sexual activity. Show your wife this page that says so. :wink:
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Re: We tried but failed

Postby The Twit » Tue Feb 23, 2016 3:03 pm

MayDayGirl wrote:If she is over 40, the burning could be due to thinning of vaginal walls associated with lower estrogen levels in perimenopause.

This may be a reason. She is 47 and is most likely in menopause. And in the recent years when this burning started was due to early stages of menopause.


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Re: We tried but failed

Postby seeking perspective » Tue Feb 23, 2016 3:41 pm

It sounds like vaginal atrophy to me, too.

What kind of lube were you using? As my hormones began to change, i found that lube that had worked well before suddenly didn't. It might be worth trying something else.

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Re: We tried but failed

Postby neilethere » Tue Feb 23, 2016 6:00 pm

Maybe menopause but remember Mrs Twit has had years of hormonal/fungal issues in the girl plumbing department. Either way, trying was a big step, Twit.

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Disuse leads to atrophy. The cure is much use.

Postby Job29Man » Tue Feb 23, 2016 8:55 pm

Underuse leading to atrophy, I agree, especially in a middle aged woman with declining hormone levels.

When my wife and I are apart for several weeks, and then come back together for sex, it hurts her. That's just after 3 weeks. I can only imagine how it must hurt after more than a full year. She's going to need lots of practice. If she takes weeks off now it'll just set her back again. She's got to give it another go, and another, and another. She needs to bring it back into good condition through use. If you want to eliminate two more variables I'd try without the condom or spermicide.

In her mid-50s now Sarah is doing all she can to keep it from hurting, and she finds that vigorous physical exercise, weight control, and a super-healthy diet are all big helps in this.
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Re: We tried but failed

Postby Learning1 » Wed Feb 24, 2016 5:10 am

Not sure if this would work for your wife as I do not have very frequent UTIs, Yeast infections she suffers from.

Your wife and I are about the same age but I always thought I had to do this because I have never given birth and DH is girthy but maybe it is more age related & hormone related.

When DH is travelling for more than 5 or 6 days, I found that if I use my dilator, it keeps me stretched out and the vagina muscle in better condition. When I haven't done that and we get back together it can be uncomfortable and sometimes can have a very mild burning sensation. The discomfort and mild burning session are not enough to stop, but DH has to go slow and be careful. When we resume our normal regular sex it doesn't occur and if I use the largest dilator when he is gone it doesn't occur and DH doesn't have to exercise restraint but can be as frisky as he wants. I also do kegels.

Not sure if this is the same situation as your wife. Good on your wife for attempting PIV with you. Sorry it didn't work ::bh .
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Re: We tried but failed

Postby happilymarriedkate » Wed Feb 24, 2016 7:00 am

I think this is a great step. I am pressed to find anything that is resumed after a year with optimal results the first time back at it. I second the importance of trying again and again. Have you discussed a next time?
~HM Kate

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Re: We tried but failed

Postby The Twit » Wed Feb 24, 2016 10:11 am

Not much discussion about next time other than try different lube and maybe some issue with the spermicide. Not sure when we will try again. My biggest fear is this attempt will turn her off to not try again. She is very skittish about doing something again if it failed the first time.

I marveled over the fact she did not realize it had been almost a year since the last time we had intercourse. She was totally amazed at that fact.

A few years ago part of her recovery from the birth of our third child she was doing kegels and was given vaginal weights. The weights lasted less than one week because she got an infection. She then tried them again after the infection and she got one again. So she does not put anything in that area except for me - dilators would be out.


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Re: We tried but failed

Postby suffolk sinner DFC » Wed Feb 24, 2016 11:51 am

The Twit wrote:Not much discussion about next time other than try different lube and maybe some issue with the spermicide. Not sure when we will try again. My biggest fear is this attempt will turn her off to not try again. She is very skittish about doing something again if it failed the first time.


So.... never again?

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Re: We tried but failed

Postby txtwindad » Wed Feb 24, 2016 5:14 pm

I marveled over the fact she did not realize it had been almost a year since the last time we had intercourse. She was totally amazed at that fact.


I find this hard to believe. Did you not have discussions with her about this just in December when she failed to live up to her promise of PIV before the years end?
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Re: We tried but failed

Postby Learning1 » Wed Feb 24, 2016 6:04 pm

Keep on pushing to try again. Change up lubes, spermicide or whatever you need to, but try again.

Was she aroused ? Do you think she would have a burning sensation if you tried just manual sex on her to start out ?
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Re: We tried but failed

Postby Nvr2Late » Thu Feb 25, 2016 11:03 am

I'm with the vaginal atrophy theory, too. I have problems with it and it's very unpleasant. The irony of it is, the only cure is the thing that hurts.

It's a shame she's not open to using medical dilators to slowly regain some elasticity. But she probably has lower estrogen now, which will also cause this. Low testosterone too. And could be the spermicide. I'm amazed/skeptical that using a clean vaginal insert would cause an infection. Her immune system must be incompetent :(

I hate to sound cynical, but, I don't know how you're going to overcome this, ever. She has every base and every solution covered, and not in a good way. I'm sorry, Twit. I still pray for you.
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Re: We tried but failed

Postby The Twit » Thu Feb 25, 2016 12:12 pm

Learning1 wrote:Keep on pushing to try again. Change up lubes, spermicide or whatever you need to, but try again.

Was she aroused ? Do you think she would have a burning sensation if you tried just manual sex on her to start out ?

This has been a long problem in our sex life since day one. There is no foreplay - she does not want to do anything. I am not allowed to touch her before entering her so there is no getting her aroused. The only arousal comes from kissing.


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Re: We tried but failed

Postby Learning1 » Thu Feb 25, 2016 4:30 pm

^^^
Will you suggest to her that perhaps the burning pain is probably a combination of not allowing herself to become aroused/prepared for PIV and vaginal atrophy due to lack of use, (just like if you start working out, your muscles burn)

Will you ask her if you could perform manual sex on her ? Perhaps she could touch herself as well to prepare ? What are her typical objections to other foreplay ? Like a massage or other sexual and even some non-sexual touching ?

Will you read to her some of sexy Verses in Song of Songs that speak to foreplay ?

Nvr2Late wrote: I'm amazed/skeptical that using a clean vaginal insert would cause an infection. Her immune system must be incompetent :(

I agree with Nvr2Late on the above.

Keep the faith Twit and get her to commit to try again in the next ten days.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis


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