Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Painfull intercourse, pain with sexual activity, and pain that prevents sex or makes sex difficult.
arosec
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Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby arosec » Thu May 26, 2016 6:18 am

I'd greatly appreciate some help in this area...my wonderful husband and I got married last Saturday (wedding was perfect! :D) we were both incredibly excited to get to the wedding night (both virgins). Although I used to get very aroused when we were dating and he would kiss me, I had trouble getting aroused on our wedding night. Probably a mix of exhaustion from the day and nervous anticipation. I think we tried to have him penetrate too soon, and as he was entering I felt something pop/tear. I thought it was my hymen, so we kept going. He could only get about 1/3 of the way in, and it became too painful for me. I realized the next day using a hand mirror that my vaginal opening actually tore (in the back, toward my bottom). We have attempted a few more times and he has been able to ejaculate inside me, but he has only been able to get about halfway in, and that was after lots of foreplay, 2 manual orgasms for me, and lots of coconut oil (and it was still painful at the tear site). Should we keep trying? Or should I let the tear fully heal? It hasn't been bleeding recently, but it still hurts a lot if he goes in further than just the head. I guess it may be useful to know that he is quite above average in size, and I am normal in size according to my gynecologist. Will it just take some more stretching? Are there any positions we could try that would take the pressure off the back of my vaginal opening? So far we've only tried missionary (this worked the best) and me on top (more painful). I really want to be able to get him in fully, and actually be able to enjoy sex. I know it will take time. He is so loving and patient, but I feel sad for not being able to enjoy this with him. Any advice is highly appreciated!

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby Vanna » Thu May 26, 2016 6:48 am

Sounds like when the hymen gave way a small tear continued, that's pretty normal. It'll sting for a bit. Warm baths with bath salts or Epsom salts can help speed healing. Missionary positions are probably your best bet for a few weeks while it heals. Sitting with a warm water bottle can help with healing. And a cool wash cloth after love making is nice for easing any stinging.

Get a mirror, as you heal up, check for any possible skin tags that might have formed from the hymen or tear. These aren't as common, but they can happen and they can get irritated from the friction and cause 'hot spots'. It's just a tiny flap of skin that can be trimmed by your GYN.

Keep using the coconut oil, it is healing.

I'm sure you've already figured out to go slow with penetration and speed for a bit until things are less tender. Spend extra time on manual and oral to get the area aroused and engorged with blood before penetration, it helps cause the internal canal to open more, be more flexible, and moves the cervix back to make things more comfy for you.

Most of all, take your time together, relax, and enjoy practicing lots of foreplay on each other for a few weeks. You'll heal up fine, and your body will adjust to him- remember, God designed your body to accommodate the birth of a small watermelon, so you will adjust to hubby, it just takes time to figure out the mechanics of it. :)
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby George B. » Thu May 26, 2016 7:02 am

we had the same exact issue when we were first married (both virgins--my DW was smaller than average, and I was/am much larger than average). We had to take it really slow, and it was six weeks until we were able to achieve full penetration (with lots of lube, orgasms for her, etc.).

Like Vanna said, I'd take it really slow, but you'll get there eventually. We've been married 20 years now, and sex is great! I will say that things got a lot easier for us once she had her first baby vaginally and got more stretched out. However, we were able to have sex with full penetration before our first baby. It just meant that we had to use lots of lube and take things slowly.

It sounds like you had a hymen tear and it may be a while before you get to the point where you can easily accommodate all of him. Just be patient with one another and try to enjoy the process! We found that engaging in other types of sexual pleasure (manual, oral) helped with patience for the process of achieving full PIV.

Just remember that you both have the rest of your lives together and lots of time to explore and enjoy sex together--try to keep that perspective and take things slow and enjoy the journey!

If you feel that you're not making any progress in a few weeks, you may want to think about seeing your OB/GYN for medical advice, especially if your hymen is still giving you trouble. A small in-office operation can often take care of that.

Hope that helps!
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby Learning1 » Thu May 26, 2016 3:03 pm

I wouldn't wait to get checked out by your gyn to be safe. Until that time I would hold off on PIV and work on other sex techniques, such as OS or MS. If tear your skin on your hand and you keep rubbing it it will take much longer to heal, same idea as skin tear in your vagina.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby arosec » Fri May 27, 2016 5:19 am

Thanks for the advice everyone...I was just in to the gynecologist a couple weeks ago. She said that everything was normal. I really think the pain is just due to the size discrepancy. The pain is only around the opening of my vagina. I'm wondering now, should the tear heal back together, or should each side of it heal on itself so that my opening is a little larger? I've been checking on it daily, and it looks good (not red or inflamed) and it barely hurts, but it doesn't look like it's healing back together.

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby George B. » Fri May 27, 2016 7:28 am

Hm. That's a good question. Is it your hymen or your vaginal opening/vestibule that's torn? I would say you need to ask your doctor whether the tear will heal on its own or not. And for instructions regarding further sex. My wife never tore, but we also took things really, really slow over a six week period. And sex was painful for her afterwards until after she gave birth the first time (she tore then, too, and was sewn back up) and stretched out enough to where accommodating me wasn't painful anymore. After her first vaginal birth, things felt "normal" and stayed that way until recently, when she had pelvic floor reconstruction surgery and a hysterectomy.

I think this is a question for your doctor. I'd hate for you to end up with scar tissue and permanent damage, especially in such a delicate spot.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby Vanna » Fri May 27, 2016 8:18 am

How long has it been since it tore? Is there bleeding still or just irritation? Most small tears to surface tissue won't be repaired (quarter inch either side, just at the opening), if you tore into actual muscle, that would need looked at. If you aren't certain what you are seeing- have it looked at. The longer you leave it, the less likely they can stitch it.

Because of the nature of the area, if you leave a surface tear alone, it will heal apart. Many women get small tears that they don't notice as more than sensitivity or irritation.

Deep muscle tears, which are more common in childbirth or rape, will try to close, but they tend to need stitches.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby George B. » Fri May 27, 2016 8:33 am

^^^^^ good advice, Vanna!
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby arosec » Fri May 27, 2016 8:51 am

Well it tore on our wedding night, so 6 days ago. It is directly in the center back. It's about 1/4 inch long...it bled at first and a little the next morning, but hasn't bled since, even after attempting to get him in a day or two later. It just stings and is sore. The cut itself is a bit pink, but not swollen or irritated at all. It actually looks quite a bit better today, but I made the mistake of touching it and now it's hurting again. I think I will tell hubby that we need to wait until it's healed to try again :/ I'm in the process of getting switched to his insurance, so once that's all ironed out, I'll probably get it looked at by the gyn. It looks to be healing open, which is fine with me (maybe easier to accommodate his size in the future?) but I hope that it doesn't continue to tear if the skin is weakened now.

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby Vanna » Fri May 27, 2016 9:02 am

The skin down there is very elastic (you'd be amazed at how resilient), once you heal up, it will be fine. You might go to the drug store and get a can of dermoplast spray to help ease the sting while you heal. It's wonderfully soothing.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby George B. » Fri May 27, 2016 9:10 am

arosec wrote:I think I will tell hubby that we need to wait until it's healed to try again :/

I think that's a good plan. Your doctor will be able to tell you if leaving the cut open is a good idea or not. Scar tissue and future pain may be an issue with that. However, as Vanna said, it may be that things heal up just fine, especially if you use topical skin treatments.

My wife and I got very creative early on when we had this difficulty and had fun experimenting with alternative ways of sexual pleasuring (oral, manual, etc.). If you or your DH don't have any problems with doing things like that, this might be a time to engage in those types of activities until you can see a doctor. I would encourage you to make this time of adjustment as fun as possible--it really helps as you establish your marriage bed and sex life with one another!
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby Learning1 » Sun May 29, 2016 6:47 am

arosec wrote: I'm wondering now, should the tear heal back together, or should each side of it heal on itself so that my opening is a little larger? I've been checking on it daily, and it looks good (not red or inflamed) and it barely hurts, but it doesn't look like it's healing back together.


Don't know, that is why I think you should get checked out by the gyn. In the meantime, there is lots to explore with Oral sex, manual sex.

Also my DH said to tell your DH, in future with PIV, go slow, be gentle and after inserting a bit, do not move, after you the wife relaxes, move a little more in, than don't move again. Don't force anything or push through anything.

My advice is to make sure you are fully aroused and relaxed, experiment with different angles.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby George B. » Sun May 29, 2016 7:28 am

one other thought I had--if you want, have you DH contact me via PM here and I'd be happy to give him some advice on this "situation," man to man.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby FoxluvsBunnyDFC » Mon May 30, 2016 3:13 pm

arosec- I'm so sorry that you are having these difficulties and had the tear :( While I never had tearing, i've had some pain issues. My hubby is a pretty average size and i'm smaller than average size. I don't think i had a hymen the first time i had intercourse as there was no blood or ripping, and as it wasn't overly painful, but there are some times when i'm not aroused enough, or certain times of the month due to cervical position, that it's still painful to have PIV sex. Also, many positions are uncomfortable due to his angle and my size.

We are still figuring this and many other things in our marriage out; but i will echo some of what was said above. Be creative; try different positions and angles. If something doesn't work, revisit it at some point, but switch to another position for the time being. You will likely find a few positions that work pretty well for you guys. Use LOTS of lube; lube internally- sounds pretty straightforward, but i used to just lube on the outside and then on his penis, but i actually stuff the coconut oil in there lol which works much better to get things really lubed up. Get as aroused as you can and go slow. Always communicate lots about how you are feeling; he sounds like a good guy and i'm sure he wants to know if something is hurting you! If it's not working or feels painful; tell him; switch it up; and as others have said, find non PIV sexual stuff you can do that is satisfying. Perhaps you can experiment together. It's fun and intimate :) It's all about learning... that's what we are still doing after a year... so much to learn and try!

oh and of course i also recommend to go to the gyno to get peace of mind about what is going on.

Many blessings on your marriage! and congrats btw :)
<3, Bunny
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But if you tame me then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world.~TLP

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby arosec » Tue May 31, 2016 7:46 am

George B. wrote:one other thought I had--if you want, have you DH contact me via PM here and I'd be happy to give him some advice on this "situation," man to man.


He's not on this site, but thanks for offering!

I think I'm mostly healed up! We are going to wait to try again until my period is over, hopefully later this week! We know now that we have to go even slower, and if I feel any pain I need to tell him. We have still been having fun experimenting every day, so the waiting hasn't been as hard.

Foxluvsbunny- thanks for the encouragement...it was an interesting first week for us, as I also got a UTI a day or two after our wedding :/ I had never had one, but man, those are NOT fun! But I'm over that now and every day we are getting better at communicating what we need from each other...physically and otherwise. It's been a lot of fun so far :)

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby George B. » Tue May 31, 2016 11:25 am

That's great! Hope it goes well. Let us know if you need anything else!
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby FoxluvsBunnyDFC » Tue May 31, 2016 11:27 am

Glad you are feeling better, but ugggh about the uti :( i went through a phase (pre-marriage) when i had them all the time. For mild UTIs and preventative this sort of thing works wonders (of course after the antibiotic) https://www.naturessunshine.com/us/prod ... -caps/834/. Glad you both are learning and having fun :) I hope you continue to heal and just enjoy, and please feel free to ask anything!
<3, Bunny
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But if you tame me then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world.~TLP

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby arosec » Thu Jun 09, 2016 8:47 am

Good news update! I'm all healed up, and we started trying PIV again on Sunday. Took a couple days of minor pain, lots of lube and lots of patience and control on his part...but last night he got all the way in and was able to thrust some. It was actually enjoyable for the first time for me, and like nothing I've ever felt. He had his O pretty quick, but I think I was actually close to an O too! Gives me so much excitement for what's ahead, now that neither of us have to worry about hurting me. We'll still have to start slow, but we know we can get there. :D thanks for the advice and encouragment!

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Re: Newlywed and vaginal tearing

Postby George B. » Thu Jun 09, 2016 8:56 am

That's great news! Let us know if you have any other questions about anything. My DW and I definitely understand your situation! Blessings for continued success in your marriage bed!
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis


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