sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50's

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50's

Postby Paul B » Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:42 pm

DPR wrote:The real question is, do I have a healthy libido because I workout so much, or do I workout so much to manage my healthy libido?


Up until four years ago, I worked long hours outside. I moved to sedentary, and now am moving back to more physical work, but not as hard or often as before. In all of this I do not find that my level of activity has much influence on my desire or ability, other then when I was left so tired any movement was difficult.

There is growing research showing that regular sex correlates to being healthier and living longer. There is a lot of debate about which causes which, but there is some hint that all other things being the same, having more sex makes you healthier. And why not? The hormones and other chemicals released into the blood stream by sex are very powerful. What's more, climax causes an extreme increase in heart rate and respiration - and that's certainly good for us.

Or maybe our boides just figure if we are not having sex, why keep living? :roll:

Paul

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50's

Postby soxfan1 » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:31 am

I'm 47 and my wife is 49. My libido has actually gone up over the years. I can probably ML 4-5 a week if given the chance. Unfortunately, we live in a small condo and our 2 DD (10 and 17) have a bedroom 5 feet from ours. Combine that with the fact that the 17 y/o usually stays up until after 11:00, and our current LM frequency is around once every 2 weeks. After that length of time between, I barely last a minute before I O. :(

I can't tell you how many times I've gone to bed with an erection just thinking about M'ing L to my DW

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50's

Postby Gemma » Fri Nov 05, 2010 9:48 am

soxfan1 wrote:I'm 47 and my wife is 49. My libido has actually gone up over the years. I can probably ML 4-5 a week if given the chance. Unfortunately, we live in a small condo and our 2 DD (10 and 17) have a bedroom 5 feet from ours. Combine that with the fact that the 17 y/o usually stays up until after 11:00, and our current LM frequency is around once every 2 weeks. After that length of time between, I barely last a minute before I O. :( I can't tell you how many times I've gone to bed with an erection just thinking about M'ing L to my DW


If you haven't already done so, you might want to read this entire thread. There were a number of ideas and suggestions given. Like I stated in that thread, I have 2 college kids whose bedrooms are just outside of ours and yet my dh and I manage to have sex most nights or mornings. He and I are in our early 60's and mid-50's respectively.

FYI- Mornings are great for sex when you have night owl, older teens/young 20-somethings living with you.
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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50's

Postby Two Hearts » Fri Nov 05, 2010 12:45 pm

Soxfan1,
Gemma linked to a great thread on masking noise. I want to add two ideas that work well at our home full of teens and young adults.
    1. Shower sex. It is fun & the sound of running water is a great cover-up.
    2. Closet sex. A comforter on the floor of the walk-in closet makes a cushy spot to ML and the clothes help absorb sound.

RE OP: We are both in our mid forties. Hubby is struggling a bit with ED. We started in June '10 with a commitment to have some form of sex at least every 48 hours. Lately, it has been daily. My libido increased this year. I could ML twice a day. His libido has decreased somewhat and his refractory period is much longer than it used to be. Still, we are having the most wonderful, intimate times of our marriage. Even if it were possible, you couldn't pay me enough to go back to the sex life we had in our 20's or 30's.

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50's

Postby soxfan1 » Fri Nov 05, 2010 12:47 pm

Gemma wrote:
soxfan1 wrote:I'm 47 and my wife is 49. My libido has actually gone up over the years. I can probably ML 4-5 a week if given the chance. Unfortunately, we live in a small condo and our 2 DD (10 and 17) have a bedroom 5 feet from ours. Combine that with the fact that the 17 y/o usually stays up until after 11:00, and our current LM frequency is around once every 2 weeks. After that length of time between, I barely last a minute before I O. :( I can't tell you how many times I've gone to bed with an erection just thinking about M'ing L to my DW


If you haven't already done so, you might want to read this entire thread. There were a number of ideas and suggestions given. Like I stated in that thread, I have 2 college kids whose bedrooms are just outside of ours and yet my dh and I manage to have sex most nights or mornings. He and I are in our early 60's and mid-50's respectively.

FYI- Mornings are great for sex when you have night owl, older teens/young 20-somethings living with you.


Thanks! Unfortunately, my wife will never have sex anywhere in the house if either of the girls are awake.

The once every 2 weeks is an average. In the Summer, when the air conditioners are on, it's once, maybe even twice a week. During the rest of the year (no a/c), it dwindles to maybe twice a month. And in those instances, she forces herself to stay awake. She needs at least 6-7 hours of sleep.

And keep in mind, because it's so late and she's usually tired, these sessions usually last no more than 5-10 minutes (kissing to cleanup). No foreplay, no OS. Never used to be that way. I used to make her wild with OS to the point of FE

One piece of good news...Both girls started piano lessons every Tuesday from 5:30-6:30. The lessons are 5 minutes away, so there's plenty of time for "fun" :D

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50's

Postby Gemma » Fri Nov 05, 2010 3:31 pm

soxfan1 wrote: Unfortunately, my wife will never have sex anywhere in the house if either of the girls are awake.

The once every 2 weeks is an average. In the Summer, when the air conditioners are on, it's once, maybe even twice a week. During the rest of the year (no a/c), it dwindles to maybe twice a month. And in those instances, she forces herself to stay awake. She needs at least 6-7 hours of sleep.


soxfan,

Did you read any of the ideas in that thread?

Have you tried morning sex when the girls are still asleep? Or have you tried keeping music or tv in the bedroom? When you want to have sex, turn on the sound. How about getting a small noisy fan. When you want to have sex turn on the fan and place it just inside the bedroom by the door. If you don't want the fan blowing on you just arrange it so it's facing another direction. You can also buy machines that put out 'white noise' and turn it on during sex. Once a week give the girls money for a fast food meal... someplace in a mall. Between eating and walking around the mall, that will keep them occupied for at least 2-3 hours every week.

My point is that if your wife doesn't care how little you guys have sex, it's up to you to figure out a way to make it happen. Use one of the ideas above and eliminate her excuses.
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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50's

Postby MJDFARM » Fri Nov 05, 2010 6:29 pm

I agree with Gemma. If you can live with that freqency that's fine, but it sounds like your not happy. The kids are old enough to realize their parents ML. You don't need to advertise, but if they figure out you need some privacy there's nothing wrong with that IMO. I believe seeing their parents are loving and have a healthy relationship in and out of the bedroom is a good thing. Happy parents equal happy kids. Take Gemma's advice and check out the thread she referred to.

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50's

Postby soxfan1 » Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:06 am

Thanks for the responses and suggestions! I have officially stepped off my "pity pot" :lol:

We will definately put some of them to good use. The Tuesday piano lessons are going to be a big help! :D
Also, we have two malls within 15 minutes of our home. Drop them there and they can have no problem staying there all day!

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50's

Postby Gemma » Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:48 am

soxfan1 wrote: The Tuesday piano lessons are going to be a big help! :D Also, we have two malls within 15 minutes of our home. Drop them there and they can have no problem staying there all day!


Do both kids take their piano lesson at the same time or back-to-back? IOW- Will they be gone for 1 hour or 2? That's better than nothing but ....

...the shopping mall??? Yes, do it, use it. Once a week you and your wife can drop the kids off and then have at least a half day all to yourselves. I wonder what you can do in that time :wink: ?
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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50'

Postby Rockclimber » Wed Feb 09, 2011 9:44 pm

Time to bump this thread up again

I'm 56 and my DW is 49.

My desire/drive is still as strong as ever. If we had compatible work schedules, I'd like to ML 2-3x/wk.

Her desire has fallen off drastically in the past few yrs., from wearing me out, with wanting it 1-2 times a day, to now "almost" refusing for 2-3 weeks at a time.

I realize it's that hormone/change of life thing, but it get's very frustrating when just 3 yrs ago she always told me "Any Time/ Any Place", and now I almost have to "beg" to ML.....

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50'

Postby phxcp » Tue Feb 15, 2011 8:38 pm

My DW and I are both 59 although I'm 6 months older. Our sex life began to decline about 10 yrs. ago when she started menopause. Now she has no desire whatsoever. She experiences no arousal and no lubrication. She is willing to give me OS every 3-4 days "to keep me on an even keel". No passion, no lingerie, no interest, no desire. Sheri Feldenhan (sp.?) in "For Women Only" says an "accommodating" wife can send her husband into depression.

She sees no reason for any change as this is "natural". I'm at my wits end.

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50'

Postby Gemma » Tue Feb 15, 2011 11:10 pm

phxcp wrote:My DW and I are both 59 although I'm 6 months older. Our sex life began to decline about 10 yrs. ago when she started menopause. Now she has no desire whatsoever. She experiences no arousal and no lubrication. She is willing to give me OS every 3-4 days "to keep me on an even keel". No passion, no lingerie, no interest, no desire. Sheri Feldenhan (sp.?) in "For Women Only" says an "accommodating" wife can send her husband into depression.

She sees no reason for any change as this is "natural". I'm at my wits end.


Hmmmm... What does your wife see as being natural? No desire? No passion? No interest? Feldenhan is correct. My husband is the most mentally stable person I have ever known and yet... what I put him through for so many years finally dragged him down and I was seeing the beginning signs of depression.

Ten years of decline is a long time. It is about time to become proactive and get to the root of the issues. No desire for sex? I am HD but I can sort of understand how a LD could have little or no desire. No passion or interest? Uhhh, no. There is no excuse whatsoever for that. When we love and care for our spouse we develop passion and interest to keep their intimacy needs met at all times. Anything less than that is pure selfishness. If you are not getting anywhere by discussing this with your wife, take it to your pastor and if pastor can't help take it to a therapist. Your being proactive sends a loud and clear message to your wife that her attitude is not acceptable... especially not acceptable for a Christian spouse. Staying proactive tells her that things. must. change.
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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50'

Postby Barbarah-Hephizibah » Wed Feb 16, 2011 2:41 pm

Gemma wrote:<snip> When we love and care for our spouse we develop passion and interest to keep their intimacy needs met at all times.

Gemma, What steps would you recommend for the developmet of passion?

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50'

Postby manygoodyears » Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:06 pm

Barbarah-Hephizibah wrote:
Gemma wrote:<snip> When we love and care for our spouse we develop passion and interest to keep their intimacy needs met at all times.

Gemma, What steps would you recommend for the developmet of passion?

I'm sure Gemma will have a better answer, but maybe it helps to think about it this way. Let's say I want to form a close personal friendship with my neighbor. And let's say my neighbor loves...polka. Now maybe I have no interest in quaint dances, much less ones involving accordian music. But because I have decided to become close friends with my neighbor, I am going to study polka, learn what I can, let him talk to me about his polka-fest experiences, and I may even go with him to a battle of the polka bands or some other such activity. In so doing, I will become more interested. It may not be a native interest for me, but because of my commitment to my friendship with my neighbor, I will invest time & energy in things polka-ish. I will be able to converse about polka, distinguish a polka from a waltz, and I may even start following polka news on the internet. I may even develop feelings for...polka. A passion for polka? That may be a stretch, but who knows? There's no biological or genetic reason why I can't develop a passion for polka....it's all in my head.

It happens because of a commitment, and the activities that follow from that commitment. The marriage commitment is, or should be, stronger and deeper than the friendship-with-my-neighbor commitment.

Thoughts? Does the analogy help?

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50'

Postby Barbarah-Hephizibah » Fri Feb 18, 2011 9:20 pm

manygoodyears wrote:
Barbarah-Hephizibah wrote:
Gemma wrote:<snip> When we love and care for our spouse we develop passion and interest to keep their intimacy needs met at all times.

Gemma, What steps would you recommend for the developmet of passion?

I'm sure Gemma will have a better answer, but maybe it helps to think about it this way. Let's say I want to form a close personal friendship with my neighbor. And let's say my neighbor loves...polka. Now maybe I have no interest in quaint dances, much less ones involving accordian music. But because I have decided to become close friends with my neighbor, I am going to study polka, learn what I can, let him talk to me about his polka-fest experiences, and I may even go with him to a battle of the polka bands or some other such activity. In so doing, I will become more interested. It may not be a native interest for me, but because of my commitment to my friendship with my neighbor, I will invest time & energy in things polka-ish. I will be able to converse about polka, distinguish a polka from a waltz, and I may even start following polka news on the internet. I may even develop feelings for...polka. A passion for polka? That may be a stretch, but who knows? There's no biological or genetic reason why I can't develop a passion for polka....it's all in my head.

It happens because of a commitment, and the activities that follow from that commitment. The marriage commitment is, or should be, stronger and deeper than the friendship-with-my-neighbor commitment.

Thoughts? Does the analogy help?

Thanks for taking the time to answer. And, my thoughts, commitment doesn’t necessarily develop passion. I think passion is awakened.

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50'

Postby soxfan1 » Wed Feb 23, 2011 11:46 am

Gemma wrote:
soxfan1 wrote: The Tuesday piano lessons are going to be a big help! :D Also, we have two malls within 15 minutes of our home. Drop them there and they can have no problem staying there all day!


Do both kids take their piano lesson at the same time or back-to-back? IOW- Will they be gone for 1 hour or 2? That's better than nothing but ....

...the shopping mall??? Yes, do it, use it. Once a week you and your wife can drop the kids off and then have at least a half day all to yourselves. I wonder what you can do in that time :wink: ?


No sooner did I post about the piano lessons, the girl giving the lessons stopped. Things are actually LESS frequent now. We've ML a grand total of TWICE in 2011 and it's almost March. Example, we were engaged on Valentine's Day and EVERY year since we were married, we M'dL on that day. This is the first time since 1987 that we didn't. We went out for dinner a few days after, and actually M'dL after. Of course we had to wait until after midnight. And wouldn't you know, no sooner after our whopping 10 minute session, our 11 YO came in telling us she had to go to the bathroom. Phew! :shock:

I'm at the point of praying every day that God would remove my sexual desire. I try not to look at my wife in the shower or when she's changing for fear of getting aroused. Anytime I want to talk about it, she accuses me of being selfish and having only one thing on my mind. If wanting to ML more than once a month means I'm selfish, then wow! Besides, talking about it won't make the kids sleep the night, won't make the condo bigger, etc.

If it were out and out refusal, I could address that, but this is stuff that is out of our control

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50'

Postby lovemykitty » Wed Feb 23, 2011 1:29 pm

soxfan1 wrote: And wouldn't you know, no sooner after our whopping 10 minute session, our 11 YO came in telling us she had to go to the bathroom. Phew! :shock:


A hook-and-eye latch on your bedroom door is easy to install and can do wonders for your sense of security. Plus, 11 year-olds should be taught to knock before coming into someone else's bedroom. A little talk about mom and dad's private space should be all it takes...

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50'

Postby hiswifeslover » Thu Feb 24, 2011 4:52 pm

We are in our mid 50s. Her desire/willingness is still increasing slowly. My abilities and drive are decreasing slowly. Watch out got blood pressure meds. I suppose there are other medications that have an impact. I went through a multi-month phase where I could get erect but not hold it long enough and so I rarely was able to orgasm. But with changes in meds, things are about what they were. As you get older, everything decays at some rate and it may be different for some compared to others. I can see a clear difference from when I was in my 30s but if I look back 10 years, it's not very dramatic.

HWL

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50'

Postby lovemykitty » Thu Feb 24, 2011 6:19 pm

hiswifeslover wrote: I went through a multi-month phase where I could get erect but not hold it long enough and so I rarely was able to orgasm. But with changes in meds, things are about what they were. As you get older, everything decays at some rate and it may be different for some compared to others.


There's a little blue pill for that :D

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Re: sexual activity of married couples in their 40's and 50'

Postby Balkie » Mon Apr 04, 2011 1:33 pm

It is hard to say. I think my wife 42 is having a decrease in sex drive even though she is in the best shape of her life. Kind of thought getting in shape would reverse the downward pattern in drive; no go. I'm 41 and I probably have a slightly lower sex drive then I did in my 30's. We have sex at least once a month, I would prefer 2x a week or maybe 3x, but you learn to live with what you can get.


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